English
VACATIONwasapproaching.Theschoolmaster,alwayssevere,grewsevererandmoreexactingthanever,forhewantedtheschooltomakeagoodshowingon"Examination"day.
Hisrodandhisferulewereseldomidlenow—atleastamongthesmallerpupils.
Onlythebiggestboys,andyoungladiesofeighteenandtwenty,escapedlashing.
Mr.Dobbins'lashingswereveryvigorousones,too;foralthoughhecarried,underhiswig,aperfectlybaldandshinyhead,hehadonlyreachedmiddleage,andtherewasnosignoffeeblenessinhismuscle.
Asthegreatdayapproached,allthetyrannythatwasinhimcametothesurface;heseemedtotakeavindictivepleasureinpunishingtheleastshortcomings.
Theconsequencewas,thatthesmallerboysspenttheirdaysinterrorandsufferingandtheirnightsinplottingrevenge.
Theythrewawaynoopportunitytodothemasteramischief.Buthekeptaheadallthetime.
Theretributionthatfollowedeveryvengefulsuccesswassosweepingandmajesticthattheboysalwaysretiredfromthefieldbadlyworsted.
Atlasttheyconspiredtogetherandhituponaplanthatpromisedadazzlingvictory.
Theysworeinthesign–painter'sboy,toldhimthescheme,andaskedhishelp.
Hehadhisownreasonsforbeingdelighted,forthemasterboardedinhisfather'sfamilyandhadgiventheboyamplecausetohatehim.
Themaster'swifewouldgoonavisittothecountryinafewdays,andtherewouldbenothingtointerferewiththeplan;themasteralwayspreparedhimselfforgreatoccasionsbygettingprettywellfuddled,andthesign–painter'sboysaidthatwhenthedominiehadreachedtheproperconditiononExaminationEveninghewould"managethething"whilehenappedinhischair;thenhewouldhavehimawakenedattherighttimeandhurriedawaytoschool.
Inthefulnessoftimetheinterestingoccasionarrived.
Ateightintheeveningtheschoolhousewasbrilliantlylighted,andadornedwithwreathsandfestoonsoffoliageandflowers.
Themastersatthronedinhisgreatchairuponaraisedplatform,withhisblackboardbehindhim.Hewaslookingtolerablymellow.
Threerowsofbenchesoneachsideandsixrowsinfrontofhimwereoccupiedbythedignitariesofthetownandbytheparentsofthepupils.
Tohisleft,backoftherowsofcitizens,wasaspacioustemporaryplatformuponwhichwereseatedthescholarswhoweretotakepartintheexercisesoftheevening;rowsofsmallboys,washedanddressedtoanintolerablestateofdiscomfort;rowsofgawkybigboys;snowbanksofgirlsandyoungladiescladinlawnandmuslinandconspicuouslyconsciousoftheirbarearms,theirgrandmothers'ancienttrinkets,theirbitsofpinkandblueribbonandtheflowersintheirhair.
Alltherestofthehousewasfilledwithnon–participatingscholars.
Theexercisesbegan.Averylittleboystoodupandsheepishlyrecited,"You'dscarceexpectoneofmyagetospeakinpubliconthestage,"etc.—accompanyinghimselfwiththepainfullyexactandspasmodicgestureswhichamachinemighthaveused—supposingthemachinetobeatrifleoutoforder.
Buthegotthroughsafely,thoughcruellyscared,andgotafineroundofapplausewhenhemadehismanufacturedbowandretired.
Alittleshamefacedgirllisped,"Maryhadalittlelamb,"etc.,performedacompassion–inspiringcurtsy,gothermeedofapplause,andsatdownflushedandhappy.
TomSawyersteppedforwardwithconceitedconfidenceandsoaredintotheunquenchableandindestructible"Givemelibertyorgivemedeath"speech,withfinefuryandfranticgesticulation,andbrokedowninthemiddleofit.
Aghastlystage–frightseizedhim,hislegsquakedunderhimandhewasliketochoke.
True,hehadthemanifestsympathyofthehousebuthehadthehouse'ssilence,too,whichwasevenworsethanitssympathy.
Themasterfrowned,andthiscompletedthedisaster.
Tomstruggledawhileandthenretired,utterlydefeated.
Therewasaweakattemptatapplause,butitdiedearly.
"TheBoyStoodontheBurningDeck"followed;also"TheAssyrianCameDown,"andotherdeclamatorygems.
Thentherewerereadingexercises,andaspellingfight.
ThemeagreLatinclassrecitedwithhonor.
Theprimefeatureoftheeveningwasinorder,now—original"compositions"bytheyoungladies.
Eachinherturnsteppedforwardtotheedgeoftheplatform,clearedherthroat,helduphermanuscript(tiedwithdaintyribbon),andproceededtoread,withlaboredattentionto"expression"andpunctuation.
Thethemeswerethesamethathadbeenilluminateduponsimilaroccasionsbytheirmothersbeforethem,theirgrandmothers,anddoubtlessalltheirancestorsinthefemalelineclearbacktotheCrusades.
"Friendship"wasone;"MemoriesofOtherDays";"ReligioninHistory";"DreamLand";"TheAdvantagesofCulture";"FormsofPoliticalGovernmentComparedandContrasted";"Melancholy";"FilialLove";"HeartLongings,"etc.,etc.
Aprevalentfeatureinthesecompositionswasanursedandpettedmelancholy;anotherwasawastefulandopulentgushof"finelanguage";anotherwasatendencytoluginbytheearsparticularlyprizedwordsandphrasesuntiltheywerewornentirelyout;andapeculiaritythatconspicuouslymarkedandmarredthemwastheinveterateandintolerablesermonthatwaggeditscrippledtailattheendofeachandeveryoneofthem.
Nomatterwhatthesubjectmightbe,abrain–rackingeffortwasmadetosquirmitintosomeaspectorotherthatthemoralandreligiousmindcouldcontemplatewithedification.
Theglaringinsincerityofthesesermonswasnotsufficienttocompassthebanishmentofthefashionfromtheschools,anditisnotsufficientto–day;itneverwillbesufficientwhiletheworldstands,perhaps.
Thereisnoschoolinallourlandwheretheyoungladiesdonotfeelobligedtoclosetheircompositionswithasermon;andyouwillfindthatthesermonofthemostfrivolousandtheleastreligiousgirlintheschoolisalwaysthelongestandthemostrelentlesslypious.Butenoughofthis.Homelytruthisunpalatable.
Letusreturntothe"Examination."Thefirstcompositionthatwasreadwasoneentitled"Isthis,then,Life?"Perhapsthereadercanendureanextractfromit:
"Inthecommonwalksoflife,withwhatdelightful
emotionsdoestheyouthfulmindlookforwardtosome
anticipatedsceneoffestivity!Imaginationisbusy
sketchingrose–tintedpicturesofjoy.Infancy,the
voluptuousvotaryoffashionseesherselfamidthe
festivethrong,'theobservedofallobservers.'Her
gracefulform,arrayedinsnowyrobes,iswhirling
throughthemazesofthejoyousdance;hereyeis
brightest,herstepislightestinthegayassembly.
"Insuchdeliciousfanciestimequicklyglidesby,
andthewelcomehourarrivesforherentranceinto
theElysianworld,ofwhichshehashadsuchbright
dreams.Howfairy–likedoeseverythingappearto
herenchantedvision!Eachnewsceneismorecharming
thanthelast.Butafterawhileshefindsthat
beneaththisgoodlyexterior,allisvanity,the
flatterywhichoncecharmedhersoul,nowgrates
harshlyuponherear;theball–roomhaslostits
charms;andwithwastedhealthandimbitteredheart,
sheturnsawaywiththeconvictionthatearthly
pleasurescannotsatisfythelongingsofthesoul!"
Andsoforthandsoon.Therewasabuzzofgratificationfromtimetotimeduringthereading,accompaniedbywhisperedejaculationsof"Howsweet!""Howeloquent!""Sotrue!"
etc.,andafterthethinghadclosedwithapeculiarlyafflictingsermontheapplausewasenthusiastic.
Thenaroseaslim,melancholygirl,whosefacehadthe"interesting"palenessthatcomesofpillsandindigestion,andreada"poem."Twostanzasofitwilldo:
"AMISSOURIMAIDEN'SFAREWELLTOALABAMA
"Alabama,good–bye!Ilovetheewell!
ButyetforawhiledoIleavetheenow!
Sad,yes,sadthoughtsoftheemyheartdothswell,
Andburningrecollectionsthrongmybrow!
ForIhavewanderedthroughthyflowerywoods;
HaveroamedandreadnearTallapoosa'sstream;
HavelistenedtoTallassee'swarringfloods,
AndwooedonCoosa'ssideAurora'sbeam.
"YetshameInottobearano'er–fullheart,
Norblushtoturnbehindmytearfuleyes;
'TisfromnostrangerlandInowmustpart,
'TistonostrangersleftIyieldthesesighs.
WelcomeandhomewereminewithinthisState,
WhosevalesIleave—whosespiresfadefastfromme
Andcoldmustbemineeyes,andheart,andtete,
When,dearAlabama!theyturncoldonthee!"
Therewereveryfewtherewhoknewwhat"tete"meant,butthepoemwasverysatisfactory,nevertheless.
Nextappearedadark–complexioned,black–eyed,black–hairedyounglady,whopausedanimpressivemoment,assumedatragicexpression,andbegantoreadinameasured,solemntone:
"AVISION
"Darkandtempestuouswasnight.Aroundthe
throneonhighnotasinglestarquivered;but
thedeepintonationsoftheheavythunder
constantlyvibratedupontheear;whilstthe
terrificlightningrevelledinangrymood
throughthecloudychambersofheaven,seeming
toscornthepowerexertedoveritsterrorby
theillustriousFranklin!Eventheboisterous
windsunanimouslycameforthfromtheirmystic
homes,andblusteredaboutasiftoenhanceby
theiraidthewildnessofthescene.
"Atsuchatime,sodark,sodreary,forhuman
sympathymyveryspiritsighed;butinsteadthereof,
"'Mydearestfriend,mycounsellor,mycomforter
andguide—Myjoyingrief,mysecondbliss
injoy,'cametomyside.Shemovedlikeoneof
thosebrightbeingspicturedinthesunnywalks
offancy'sEdenbytheromanticandyoung,a
queenofbeautyunadornedsavebyherown
transcendentloveliness.Sosoftwasherstep,it
failedtomakeevenasound,andbutforthe
magicalthrillimpartedbyhergenialtouch,as
otherunobtrusivebeauties,shewouldhaveglided
awayun–perceived—unsought.Astrangesadness
resteduponherfeatures,likeicytearsupon
therobeofDecember,asshepointedtothe
contendingelementswithout,andbademecontemplate
thetwobeingspresented."
Thisnightmareoccupiedsometenpagesofmanuscriptandwoundupwithasermonsodestructiveofallhopetonon–Presbyteriansthatittookthefirstprize.
Thiscompositionwasconsideredtobetheveryfinesteffortoftheevening.
Themayorofthevillage,indeliveringtheprizetotheauthorofit,madeawarmspeechinwhichhesaidthatitwasbyfarthemost"eloquent"thinghehadeverlistenedto,andthatDanielWebsterhimselfmightwellbeproudofit.
Itmayberemarked,inpassing,thatthenumberofcompositionsinwhichtheword"beauteous"wasover–fondled,andhumanexperiencereferredtoas"life'spage,"wasuptotheusualaverage.
Nowthemaster,mellowalmosttothevergeofgeniality,puthischairaside,turnedhisbacktotheaudience,andbegantodrawamapofAmericaontheblackboard,toexercisethegeographyclassupon.
Buthemadeasadbusinessofitwithhisunsteadyhand,andasmotheredtitterrippledoverthehouse.
Heknewwhatthematterwas,andsethimselftorightit.
Hespongedoutlinesandremadethem;butheonlydistortedthemmorethanever,andthetitteringwasmorepronounced.
Hethrewhisentireattentionuponhiswork,now,asifdeterminednottobeputdownbythemirth.
Hefeltthatalleyeswerefasteneduponhim;heimaginedhewassucceeding,andyetthetitteringcontinued;itevenmanifestlyincreased.Andwellitmight.
Therewasagarretabove,piercedwithascuttleoverhishead;anddownthroughthisscuttlecameacat,suspendedaroundthehaunchesbyastring;shehadaragtiedaboutherheadandjawstokeepherfrommewing;assheslowlydescendedshecurvedupwardandclawedatthestring,sheswungdownwardandclawedattheintangibleair.
Thetitteringrosehigherandhigher—thecatwaswithinsixinchesoftheabsorbedteacher'shead—down,down,alittlelower,andshegrabbedhiswigwithherdesperateclaws,clungtoit,andwassnatchedupintothegarretinaninstantwithhertrophystillinherpossession!
Andhowthelightdidblazeabroadfromthemaster'sbaldpate—forthesign–painter'sboyhadGILDEDit!
Thatbrokeupthemeeting.Theboyswereavenged.Vacationhadcome.
NOTE:—Thepretended"compositions"quotedinthischapteraretakenwithoutalterationfromavolumeentitled"ProseandPoetry,byaWestern
Lady"—buttheyareexactlyandpreciselyaftertheschoolgirlpattern,andhencearemuchhappierthananymereimitationscouldbe.
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