English
THEYwasfetchingaverynice-lookingoldgentlemanalong,andanice-lookingyoungerone,withhisrightarminasling.
And,mysouls,howthepeopleyelledandlaughed,andkeptitup.
ButIdidn’tseenojokeaboutit,andIjudgeditwouldstrainthedukeandthekingsometoseeany.Ireckonedthey’dturnpale.Butno,naryapaledidTHEYturn.
Thedukeheneverletonhesuspicionedwhatwasup,butjustwentagoo-gooingaround,happyandsatisfied,likeajugthat’sgooglingoutbuttermilk;andasfortheking,hejustgazedandgazeddownsorrowfulonthemnew-comerslikeitgivehimthestomach-acheinhisveryhearttothinktherecouldbesuchfraudsandrascalsintheworld.Oh,hedoneitadmirable.
Lotsoftheprincipalpeoplegetheredaroundtheking,tolethimseetheywasonhisside.
Thatoldgentlemanthathadjustcomelookedallpuzzledtodeath.
Prettysoonhebeguntospeak,andIseestraightoffhepronouncedLIKEanEnglishman–nottheking’sway,thoughtheking’sWASprettygoodforanimitation.
Ican’tgivetheoldgent’swords,norIcan’timitatehim;butheturnedaroundtothecrowd,andsays,aboutlikethis:
“ThisisasurprisetomewhichIwasn’tlookingfor;andI’llacknowledge,candidandfrank,Iain’tverywellfixedtomeetitandanswerit;formybrotherandmehashadmisfortunes;he’sbrokehisarm,andourbaggagegotputoffatatownaboveherelastnightinthenightbyamistake.
IamPeterWilks’brotherHarvey,andthisishisbrotherWilliam,whichcan’thearnorspeak–andcan’tevenmakesignstoamounttomuch,now’the’sonlygotonehandtoworkthemwith.
Wearewhowesayweare;andinadayortwo,whenIgetthebaggage,Icanproveit.
ButuptillthenIwon’tsaynothingmore,butgotothehotelandwait.”
Sohimandthenewdummystartedoff;andthekinghelaughs,andblethersout:
“Brokehisarm–VERYlikely,AIN’Tit?–andveryconvenient,too,forafraudthat’sgottomakesigns,andain’tlearnthow.Losttheirbaggage!That’sMIGHTYgood!
–andmightyingenious–undertheCIRCUMSTANCES!
Sohelaughedagain;andsodideverybodyelse,exceptthreeorfour,ormaybehalfadozen.
Oneofthesewasthatdoctor;anotheronewasasharplookinggentleman,withacarpet-bagoftheoldfashionedkindmadeoutofcarpet-stuff,thathadjustcomeoffofthesteamboatandwastalkingtohiminalowvoice,andglancingtowardsthekingnowandthenandnoddingtheirheads–itwasLeviBell,thelawyerthatwasgoneuptoLouisville;andanotheronewasabigroughhuskythatcomealongandlistenedtoalltheoldgentlemansaid,andwaslisteningtothekingnow.
Andwhenthekinggotdonethishuskyupandsays:
“Say,lookyhere;ifyouareHarveyWilks,when’dyoucometothistown?”
“Thedaybeforethefuneral,friend,”saystheking.
“Butwhattimeo’day?”
“Intheevenin’–‘boutanhourertwobeforesundown.”
“HOW’Dyoucome?”
“IcomedownontheSusanPowellfromCincinnati.”
“Well,then,how’dyoucometobeupatthePintintheMORNIN’–inacanoe?”
“Iwarn’tupatthePintinthemornin’.”
“It’salie.”
Severalofthemjumpedforhimandbeggedhimnottotalkthatwaytoanoldmanandapreacher.
“Preacherbehanged,he’safraudandaliar.HewasupatthePintthatmornin’.Iliveupthere,don’tI?
Well,Iwasupthere,andhewasupthere.Iseehimthere.
Hecomeinacanoe,alongwithTimCollinsandaboy.”
Thedoctorheupandsays:
“Wouldyouknowtheboyagainifyouwastoseehim,Hines?”
“IreckonIwould,butIdon’tknow.Why,yonderheis,now.Iknowhimperfectlyeasy.”
Itwasmehepointedat.Thedoctorsays:
“Neighbors,Idon’tknowwhetherthenewcoupleisfraudsornot;butifTHESEtwoain’tfrauds,Iamanidiot,that’sall.
Ithinkit’sourdutytoseethattheydon’tgetawayfromheretillwe’velookedintothisthing.
Comealong,Hines;comealong,therestofyou.
We’lltakethesefellowstothetavernandaffrontthemwitht’othercouple,andIreckonwe’llfindoutSOMETHINGbeforewegetthrough.”
Itwasnutsforthecrowd,thoughmaybenotfortheking’sfriends;soweallstarted.Itwasaboutsundown.
Thedoctorheledmealongbythehand,andwasplentykindenough,butheneverletgomyhand.
Weallgotinabigroominthehotel,andlitupsomecandles,andfetchedinthenewcouple.First,thedoctorsays:
“Idon’twishtobetoohardonthesetwomen,butIthinkthey’refrauds,andtheymayhavecomplicesthatwedon’tknownothingabout.
Iftheyhave,won’tthecomplicesgetawaywiththatbagofgoldPeterWilksleft?Itain’tunlikely.
Ifthesemenain’tfrauds,theywon’tobjecttosendingforthatmoneyandlettinguskeepittilltheyprovethey’reallright–ain’tthatso?”
Everybodyagreedtothat.SoIjudgedtheyhadourganginaprettytightplacerightattheoutstart.Butthekingheonlylookedsorrowful,andsays:
“Gentlemen,Iwishthemoneywasthere,forIain’tgotnodispositiontothrowanythinginthewayofafair,open,out-and-outinvestigationo’thismisablebusiness;but,alas,themoneyain’tthere;youk’nsendandsee,ifyouwantto.”
“Whereisit,then?”
“Well,whenmyniecegiveittometokeepforherItookandhiditinsideo’thestrawticko’mybed,notwishin’tobankitforthefewdayswe’dbehere,andconsiderin’thebedasafeplace,wenotbein’usedtoniggers,andsuppos’n’‘emhonest,likeservantsinEngland.
Theniggersstoleittheverynextmornin’afterIhadwentdownstairs;andwhenIsold‘emIhadn’tmissedthemoneyyit,sotheygotcleanawaywithit.
Myservantherek’ntellyou‘boutit,gentlemen.”
Thedoctorandseveralsaid“Shucks!”andIseenobodydidn’taltogetherbelievehim.
OnemanaskedmeifIseetheniggersstealit.
Isaidno,butIseethemsneakingoutoftheroomandhustlingaway,andIneverthoughtnothing,onlyIreckonedtheywasafraidtheyhadwakedupmymasterandwastryingtogetawaybeforehemadetroublewiththem.Thatwasalltheyaskedme.Thenthedoctorwhirlsonmeandsays:
“AreYOUEnglish,too?”
Isaysyes;andhimandsomeotherslaughed,andsaid,“Stuff!”
Well,thentheysailedinonthegeneralinvestigation,andtherewehadit,upanddown,hourin,hourout,andnobodyneversaidawordaboutsupper,noreverseemedtothinkaboutit–andsotheykeptitup,andkeptitup;anditWAStheworstmixed-upthingyoueversee.
Theymadethekingtellhisyarn,andtheymadetheoldgentlemantellhis’n;andanybodybutalotofprejudicedchuckleheadswouldaSEENthattheoldgentlemanwasspinningtruthandt’otheronelies.
AndbyandbytheyhadmeuptotellwhatIknowed.
Thekinghegivemealeft-handedlookoutofthecornerofhiseye,andsoIknowedenoughtotalkontherightside.
IbeguntotellaboutSheffield,andhowwelivedthere,andallabouttheEnglishWilkses,andsoon;butIdidn’tgetprettyfurtillthedoctorbeguntolaugh;andLeviBell,thelawyer,says:
“Setdown,myboy;Iwouldn’tstrainmyselfifIwasyou.Ireckonyouain’tusedtolying,itdon’tseemtocomehandy;whatyouwantispractice.Youdoitprettyawkward.”
Ididn’tcarenothingforthecompliment,butIwasgladtobeletoff,anyway.
Thedoctorhestartedtosaysomething,andturnsandsays:
“Ifyou’dbeenintownatfirst,LeviBell–”Thekingbrokeinandreachedouthishand,andsays:
“Why,isthismypoordeadbrother’soldfriendthathe’swrotesooftenabout?”
Thelawyerandhimshookhands,andthelawyersmiledandlookedpleased,andtheytalkedrightalongawhile,andthengottoonesideandtalkedlow;andatlastthelawyerspeaksupandsays:
“That‘llfixit.I’lltaketheorderandsendit,alongwithyourbrother’s,andthenthey’llknowit’sallright.”
Sotheygotsomepaperandapen,andthekinghesetdownandtwistedhisheadtooneside,andchawedhistongue,andscrawledoffsomething;andthentheygivethepentotheduke–andthenforthefirsttimethedukelookedsick.Buthetookthepenandwrote.
Sothenthelawyerturnstothenewoldgentlemanandsays:
“Youandyourbrotherpleasewritealineortwoandsignyournames.”
Theoldgentlemanwrote,butnobodycouldn’treadit.Thelawyerlookedpowerfulastonished,andsays:
“Well,itbeatsME–andsnakedalotofoldlettersoutofhispocket,andexaminedthem,andthenexaminedtheoldman’swriting,andthenTHEMagain;andthensays:“TheseoldlettersisfromHarveyWilks;andhere’sTHESEtwohandwritings,andanybodycanseetheydidn’twritethem”(thekingandthedukelookedsoldandfoolish,Itellyou,toseehowthelawyerhadtookthemin),“andhere’sTHISoldgentleman’shandwriting,andanybodycantell,easyenough,HEdidn’twritethem–factis,thescratcheshemakesain’tproperlyWRITINGatall.
Now,here’ssomelettersfrom–”
Thenewoldgentlemansays:
“Ifyouplease,letmeexplain.Nobodycanreadmyhandbutmybrotherthere–sohecopiesforme.It’sHIShandyou’vegotthere,notmine.”
“WELL!”saysthelawyer,“thisISastateofthings.I’vegotsomeofWilliam’sletters,too;soifyou’llgethimtowritealineorsowecancom–”
“HeCAN’Twritewithhislefthand,”saystheoldgentleman.
“Ifhecouldusehisrighthand,youwouldseethathewrotehisownlettersandminetoo.
Lookatboth,please–they’rebythesamehand.”
Thelawyerdoneit,andsays:
“Ibelieveit’sso–andifitain’tso,there’saheapstrongerresemblancethanI’dnoticedbefore,anyway.Well,well,well!
Ithoughtwewasrightonthetrackofaslution,butit’sgonetograss,partly.
Butanyway,onethingisproved–THESEtwoain’teitherof‘emWilkses”–andhewaggedhisheadtowardsthekingandtheduke.
Well,whatdoyouthink?Thatmuleheadedoldfoolwouldn’tgiveinTHEN!Indeedhewouldn’t.Saiditwarn’tnofairtest.
SaidhisbrotherWilliamwasthecussedestjokerintheworld,andhadn’ttriedtowrite–HEseeWilliamwasgoingtoplayoneofhisjokestheminuteheputthepentopaper.
AndsohewarmedupandwentwarblingrightalongtillhewasactulybeginningtobelievewhathewassayingHIM-SELF;butprettysoonthenewgentlemanbrokein,andsays:
“I’vethoughtofsomething.Isthereanybodyherethathelpedtolayoutmybr–helpedtolayoutthelatePeterWilksforburying?”
“Yes,”sayssomebody,“meandAbTurnerdoneit.We’rebothhere.”
Thentheoldmanturnstowardstheking,andsays:
“Perapsthisgentlemancantellmewhatwastattooedonhisbreast?”
Blamedifthekingdidn’thavetobraceupmightyquick,orhe’dasqusheddownlikeabluffbankthattheriverhascutunder,ittookhimsosudden;and,mindyou,itwasathingthatwascalculatedtomakemostANYBODYsqushtogetfetchedsuchasolidoneasthatwithoutanynotice,becausehowwasHEgoingtoknowwhatwastattooedontheman?
Hewhitenedalittle;hecouldn’thelpit;anditwasmightystillinthere,andeverybodybendingalittleforwardsandgazingathim.
SaysItomyself,NOWhe’llthrowupthesponge–thereain’tnomoreuse.Well,didhe?
Abodycan’thardlybelieveit,buthedidn’t.
Ireckonhethoughthe’dkeepthethinguptillhetiredthempeopleout,sothey’dthinout,andhimandthedukecouldbreaklooseandgetaway.
Anyway,hesetthere,andprettysoonhebeguntosmile,andsays:
“Mf!It’saVERYtoughquestion,AIN’Tit!
YES,sir,Ik’ntellyouwhat’stattooedonhisbreast.
It’sjestasmall,thin,bluearrow–that’swhatitis;andifyoudon’tlookclost,youcan’tseeit.NOWwhatdoyousay–hey?”
Well,Ineverseeanythinglikethatoldblisterforcleanout-and-outcheek.
ThenewoldgentlemanturnsbrisktowardsAbTurnerandhispard,andhiseyelightsuplikehejudgedhe’dgotthekingTHIStime,andsays:
“There–you’veheardwhathesaid!WasthereanysuchmarkonPeterWilks’breast?”
Bothofthemspokeupandsays:
“Wedidn’tseenosuchmark.”
“Good!”saystheoldgentleman.
“Now,whatyouDIDseeonhisbreastwasasmalldimP,andaB(whichisaninitialhedroppedwhenhewasyoung),andaW,withdashesbetweenthem,so:P–B–W”–andhemarkedthemthatwayonapieceofpaper.“Come,ain’tthatwhatyousaw?”
Bothofthemspokeupagain,andsays:
“No,weDIDN’T.Weneverseenanymarksatall.”
Well,everybodyWASinastateofmindnow,andtheysingsout:
“ThewholeBILIN’of‘m’sfrauds!Le’sduck‘em!le’sdrown‘em!le’sride‘emonarail!”
andeverybodywaswhoopingatonce,andtherewasarattlingpowwow.
Butthelawyerhejumpsonthetableandyells,andsays:
“Gentlemen–gentleMEN!Hearmejustaword–justaSINGLEword–ifyouPLEASE!There’sonewayyet–let’sgoanddigupthecorpseandlook.”
Thattookthem.
“Hooray!”theyallshouted,andwasstartingrightoff;butthelawyerandthedoctorsungout:
“Holdon,holdon!Collarallthesefourmenandtheboy,andfetchTHEMalong,too!”
“We’lldoit!”theyallshouted;“andifwedon’tfindthemmarkswe’lllynchthewholegang!”
IWASscared,now,Itellyou.Buttherewarn’tnogettingaway,youknow.
Theygrippedusall,andmarchedusrightalong,straightforthegraveyard,whichwasamileandahalfdowntheriver,andthewholetownatourheels,forwemadenoiseenough,anditwasonlynineintheevening.
AswewentbyourhouseIwishedIhadn’tsentMaryJaneoutoftown;becausenowifIcouldtipherthewinkshe’dlightoutandsaveme,andblowonourdead-beats.
Well,weswarmedalongdowntheriverroad,justcarryingonlikewildcats;andtomakeitmorescarytheskywasdarkingup,andthelightningbeginningtowinkandflitter,andthewindtoshiveramongsttheleaves.
ThiswasthemostawfultroubleandmostdangersomeIeverwasin;andIwaskinderstunned;everythingwasgoingsodifferentfromwhatIhadallowedfor;steadofbeingfixedsoIcouldtakemyowntimeifIwantedto,andseeallthefun,andhaveMaryJaneatmybacktosavemeandsetmefreewhentheclose-fitcome,herewasnothingintheworldbetwixtmeandsuddendeathbutjustthemtattoo-marks.
Iftheydidn’tfindthem–
Icouldn’tbeartothinkaboutit;andyet,somehow,Icouldn’tthinkaboutnothingelse.
Itgotdarkeranddarker,anditwasabeautifultimetogivethecrowdtheslip;butthatbighuskyhadmebythewrist–Hines–andabodymightaswelltrytogiveGoliartheslip.
Hedraggedmerightalong,hewassoexcited,andIhadtoruntokeepup.
Whentheygottheretheyswarmedintothegraveyardandwashedoveritlikeanoverflow.
Andwhentheygottothegravetheyfoundtheyhadaboutahundredtimesasmanyshovelsastheywanted,butnobodyhadn’tthoughttofetchalantern.
Buttheysailedintodigginganywaybytheflickerofthelightning,andsentamantothenearesthouse,ahalfamileoff,toborrowone.
Sotheydugandduglikeeverything;anditgotawfuldark,andtherainstarted,andthewindswishedandswushedalong,andthelightningcomebriskerandbrisker,andthethunderboomed;butthempeoplenevertooknonoticeofit,theywassofullofthisbusiness;andoneminuteyoucouldseeeverythingandeveryfaceinthatbigcrowd,andtheshovelfulsofdirtsailingupoutofthegrave,andthenextsecondthedarkwipeditallout,andyoucouldn’tseenothingatall.
Atlasttheygotoutthecoffinandbeguntounscrewthelid,andthensuchanothercrowdingandshoulderingandshovingastherewas,toscrougeinandgetasight,youneversee;andinthedark,thatway,itwasawful.
Hineshehurtmywristdreadfulpullingandtuggingso,andIreckonhecleanforgotIwasintheworld,hewassoexcitedandpanting.
Allofasuddenthelightningletgoaperfectsluiceofwhiteglare,andsomebodysingsout:
“Bythelivingjingo,here’sthebagofgoldonhisbreast!”
Hinesletoutawhoop,likeeverybodyelse,anddroppedmywristandgiveabigsurgetobusthiswayinandgetalook,andthewayIlitoutandshinnedfortheroadinthedarkthereain’tnobodycantell.
Ihadtheroadalltomyself,andIfairlyflew–leastways,Ihaditalltomyselfexceptthesoliddark,andthenow-and-thenglares,andthebuzzingoftherain,andthethrashingofthewind,andthesplittingofthethunder;andsureasyouarebornIdidclipitalong!
WhenIstruckthetownIseetherewarn’tnobodyoutinthestorm,soIneverhuntedfornobackstreets,buthumpeditstraightthroughthemainone;andwhenIbeguntogettowardsourhouseIaimedmyeyeandsetit.
Nolightthere;thehousealldark–whichmademefeelsorryanddisappointed,Ididn’tknowwhy.
Butatlast,justasIwassailingby,FLASHcomesthelightinMaryJane’swindow!
andmyheartswelledupsudden,liketobust;andthesamesecondthehouseandallwasbehindmeinthedark,andwasn’tevergoingtobebeforemenomoreinthisworld.
SheWASthebestgirlIeversee,andhadthemostsand.
TheminuteIwasfarenoughabovethetowntoseeIcouldmakethetowhead,Ibeguntolooksharpforaboattoborrow,andthefirsttimethelightningshowedmeonethatwasn’tchainedIsnatcheditandshoved.
Itwasacanoe,andwarn’tfastenedwithnothingbutarope.
Thetowheadwasarattlingbigdistanceoff,awayoutthereinthemiddleoftheriver,butIdidn’tlosenotime;andwhenIstrucktheraftatlastIwassofaggedIwouldajustlaiddowntoblowandgaspifIcouldaffordedit.ButIdidn’t.AsIsprungaboardIsungout:
“Outwithyou,Jim,andsetherloose!Glorybetogoodness,we’reshutofthem!”
Jimlitout,andwasa-comingformewithbotharmsspread,hewassofullofjoy;butwhenIglimpsedhiminthelightningmyheartshotupinmymouthandIwentoverboardbackwards;forIforgothewasoldKingLearandadrowndedA-raballinone,anditmostscaredtheliversandlightsoutofme.
ButJimfishedmeout,andwasgoingtohugmeandblessme,andsoon,hewassogladIwasbackandwewasshutofthekingandtheduke,butIsays:
“Notnow;haveitforbreakfast,haveitforbreakfast!Cutlooseandletherslide!”
Sointwosecondsawaywewenta-slidingdowntheriver,anditDIDseemsogoodtobefreeagainandallbyourselvesonthebigriver,andnobodytobotherus.
Ihadtoskiparoundabit,andjumpupandcrackmyheelsafewtimes–Icouldn’thelpit;butaboutthethirdcrackInoticedasoundthatIknowedmightywell,andheldmybreathandlistenedandwaited;andsureenough,whenthenextflashbustedoutoverthewater,heretheycome!
–andjustalayingtotheiroarsandmakingtheirskiffhum!Itwasthekingandtheduke.
SoIwiltedrightdownontotheplanksthen,andgiveup;anditwasallIcoulddotokeepfromcrying.
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