English
THEnewswasallovertownintwominutes,andyoucouldseethepeopletearingdownontherunfromeverywhichway,someofthemputtingontheircoatsastheycome.
Prettysoonwewasinthemiddleofacrowd,andthenoiseofthetrampingwaslikeasoldiermarch.
Thewindowsanddooryardswasfull;andeveryminutesomebodywouldsay,overafence:
“IsitTHEM?”
Andsomebodytrottingalongwiththegangwouldanswerbackandsay:
“Youbetitis.”
Whenwegottothehousethestreetinfrontofitwaspacked,andthethreegirlswasstandinginthedoor.
MaryJaneWASred-headed,butthatdon’tmakenodifference,shewasmostawfulbeautiful,andherfaceandhereyeswasalllituplikeglory,shewassogladheruncleswascome.
Thekinghespreadhisarms,andMarsyJaneshejumpedforthem,andthehare-lipjumpedfortheduke,andtheretheyHADit!
Everybodymost,leastwayswomen,criedforjoytoseethemmeetagainatlastandhavesuchgoodtimes.
Thenthekinghehunchedthedukeprivate–Iseehimdoit–andthenhelookedaroundandseethecoffin,overinthecornerontwochairs;sothenhimandtheduke,withahandacrosseachother’sshoulder,andt’otherhandtotheireyes,walkedslowandsolemnoverthere,everybodydroppingbacktogivethemroom,andallthetalkandnoisestopping,peoplesaying“Sh!”
andallthementakingtheirhatsoffanddroopingtheirheads,soyoucouldaheardapinfall.
Andwhentheygottheretheybentoverandlookedinthecoffin,andtookonesight,andthentheybustouta-cryingsoyoucouldaheardthemtoOrleans,most;andthentheyputtheirarmsaroundeachother’snecks,andhungtheirchinsovereachother’sshoulders;andthenforthreeminutes,ormaybefour,Ineverseetwomenleakthewaytheydone.
And,mindyou,everybodywasdoingthesame;andtheplacewasthatdampIneverseeanythinglikeit.
Thenoneofthemgotononesideofthecoffin,andt’otheront’otherside,andtheykneeleddownandrestedtheirforeheadsonthecoffin,andletontoprayalltothemselves.
Well,whenitcometothatitworkedthecrowdlikeyouneverseeanythinglikeit,andeverybodybrokedownandwenttosobbingrightoutloud–thepoorgirls,too;andeverywoman,nearly,wentuptothegirls,withoutsayingaword,andkissedthem,solemn,ontheforehead,andthenputtheirhandontheirhead,andlookeduptowardsthesky,withthetearsrunningdown,andthenbustedoutandwentoffsobbingandswabbing,andgivethenextwomanashow.
Ineverseeanythingsodisgusting.
Well,byandbythekinghegetsupandcomesforwardalittle,andworkshimselfupandslobbersoutaspeech,allfulloftearsandflapdoodleaboutitsbeingasoretrialforhimandhispoorbrothertolosethediseased,andtomissseeingdiseasedaliveafterthelongjourneyoffourthousandmile,butit’satrialthat’ssweetenedandsanctifiedtousbythisdearsympathyandtheseholytears,andsohethanksthemoutofhisheartandoutofhisbrother’sheart,becauseoutoftheirmouthstheycan’t,wordsbeingtooweakandcold,andallthatkindofrotandslush,tillitwasjustsickening;andthenheblubbersoutapiousgoody-goodyAmen,andturnshimselflooseandgoestocryingfittobust.
Andtheminutethewordswereoutofhismouthsomebodyoverinthecrowdstruckupthedoxolojer,andeverybodyjoinedinwithalltheirmight,anditjustwarmedyouupandmadeyoufeelasgoodaschurchlettingout.
Musicisagoodthing;andafterallthatsoul-butterandhogwashIneverseeitfreshenupthingsso,andsoundsohonestandbully.
Thenthekingbeginstoworkhisjawagain,andsayshowhimandhisnieceswouldbegladifafewofthemainprincipalfriendsofthefamilywouldtakesupperherewiththemthisevening,andhelpsetupwiththeashesofthediseased;andsaysifhispoorbrotherlayingyondercouldspeakheknowswhohewouldname,fortheywasnamesthatwasverydeartohim,andmentionedofteninhisletters;andsohewillnamethesame,towit,asfollows,vizz.:–Rev.Mr.Hobson,andDeaconLotHovey,andMr.BenRucker,andAbnerShackleford,andLeviBell,andDr.Robinson,andtheirwives,andthewidowBartley.
Rev.HobsonandDr.Robinsonwasdowntotheendofthetowna-huntingtogether–thatis,Imeanthedoctorwasshippingasickmantot’otherworld,andthepreacherwaspintinghimright.
LawyerBellwasawayuptoLouisvilleonbusiness.
Buttherestwasonhand,andsotheyallcomeandshookhandswiththekingandthankedhimandtalkedtohim;andthentheyshookhandswiththedukeanddidn’tsaynothing,butjustkepta-smilingandbobbingtheirheadslikeapasselofsapheadswhilsthemadeallsortsofsignswithhishandsandsaid“Goo-goo–goo-goo-goo”allthetime,likeababythatcan’ttalk.
Sothekingheblatteredalong,andmanagedtoinquireaboutprettymucheverybodyanddogintown,byhisname,andmentionedallsortsoflittlethingsthathappenedonetimeoranotherinthetown,ortoGeorge’sfamily,ortoPeter.
AndhealwaysletonthatPeterwrotehimthethings;butthatwasalie:hegoteveryblessedoneofthemoutofthatyoungflatheadthatwecanoeduptothesteamboat.
ThenMaryJaneshefetchedtheletterherfatherleftbehind,andthekinghereaditoutloudandcriedoverit.
Itgivethedwelling-houseandthreethousanddollars,gold,tothegirls;anditgivethetanyard(whichwasdoingagoodbusiness),alongwithsomeotherhousesandland(worthaboutseventhousand),andthreethousanddollarsingoldtoHarveyandWilliam,andtoldwherethesixthousandcashwashiddowncellar.
Sothesetwofraudssaidthey’dgoandfetchitup,andhaveeverythingsquareandaboveboard;andtoldmetocomewithacandle.
Weshutthecellardoorbehindus,andwhentheyfoundthebagtheyspiltitoutonthefloor,anditwasalovelysight,allthemyaller-boys.My,thewaytheking’seyesdidshine!
Heslapsthedukeontheshoulderandsays:
“Oh,THISain’tbullynornoth’n!Oh,no,Ireckonnot!Why,Biljy,itbeatstheNonesuch,DON’Tit?”
Thedukealloweditdid.Theypawedtheyallerboys,andsiftedthemthroughtheirfingersandletthemjingledownonthefloor;andthekingsays:
“Itain’tnousetalkin’;bein’brotherstoarichdeadmanandrepresentativesoffurrinheirsthat’sgotleftisthelineforyouandme,Bilge.
Thishyercomesoftrust’ntoProvidence.It’sthebestway,inthelongrun.
I’vetried‘emall,andther’ain’tnobetterway.”
Mosteverybodywouldabeensatisfiedwiththepile,andtookitontrust;butno,theymustcountit.Sotheycountsit,anditcomesoutfourhundredandfifteendollarsshort.Saystheking:
“Dernhim,Iwonderwhathedonewiththatfourhundredandfifteendollars?”
Theyworriedoverthatawhile,andransackedallaroundforit.Thenthedukesays:
“Well,hewasaprettysickman,andlikelyhemadeamistake–Ireckonthat’sthewayofit.Thebestway’stoletitgo,andkeepstillaboutit.Wecanspareit.”
“Oh,shucks,yes,wecanSPAREit.Idon’tk’yernoth’n‘boutthat–it’stheCOUNTI’mthinkin’about.
Wewanttobeawfulsquareandopenandabove-boardhere,youknow.
Wewanttolugthish-yermoneyupstairsandcountitbeforeeverybody–thenther’ain’tnoth’nsuspicious.
Butwhenthedeadmansaysther’ssixthous’ndollars,youknow,wedon’twantto–”
“Holdon,”saystheduke.“Le’smakeupthedeffisit,”andhebeguntohauloutyaller-boysoutofhispocket.
“It’samostamaz’n’goodidea,duke–youHAVEgotarattlin’cleverheadonyou,”saystheking.
“BlestiftheoldNonesuchain’taheppin’usoutagin,”andHEbeguntohauloutyaller-jacketsandstackthemup.
Itmostbustedthem,buttheymadeupthesixthousandcleanandclear.
“Say,”saystheduke,“Igotanotheridea.Le’sgoupstairsandcountthismoney,andthentakeandGIVEITTOTHEGIRLS.”
“Goodland,duke,lemmehugyou!It’sthemostdazzlingidea‘ateveramanstruck.
Youhavecert’nlygotthemostastonishin’headIeversee.
Oh,thisisthebossdodge,ther’ain’tnomistake‘boutit.
Let‘emfetchalongtheirsuspicionsnowiftheywantto–this‘lllay‘emout.”
Whenwegotup-stairseverybodygetheredaroundthetable,andthekinghecounteditandstackeditup,threehundreddollarsinapile–twentyelegantlittlepiles.
Everybodylookedhungryatit,andlickedtheirchops.
Thentheyrakeditintothebagagain,andIseethekingbegintoswellhimselfupforanotherspeech.Hesays:
“Friendsall,mypoorbrotherthatlaysyonderhasdonegenerousbythemthat’sleftbehindinthevaleofsorrers.
Hehasdonegenerousbytheseyerpoorlittlelambsthathelovedandsheltered,andthat’sleftfatherlessandmotherless.
Yes,andwethatknowedhimknowsthathewouldadoneMOREgenerousby‘emifhehadn’tbenafeardo’woundin’hisdearWilliamandme.Now,WOULDN’The?
Ther’ain’tnoquestion‘boutitinMYmind.
Well,then,whatkindo’brotherswoulditbethat‘dstandinhiswayatsechatime?
Andwhatkindo’uncleswoulditbethat‘drob–yes,ROB–sechpoorsweetlambsasthese‘athelovedsoatsechatime?
IfIknowWilliam–andITHINKIdo–he–well,I’lljestaskhim.”
Heturnsaroundandbeginstomakealotofsignstothedukewithhishands,andthedukehelooksathimstupidandleatherheadedawhile;thenallofasuddenheseemstocatchhismeaning,andjumpsfortheking,goo-gooingwithallhismightforjoy,andhugshimaboutfifteentimesbeforeheletsup.
Thenthekingsays,“Iknowedit;IreckonTHAT‘llconvinceanybodythewayHEfeelsaboutit.
Here,MaryJane,Susan,Joanner,takethemoney–takeitALL.
It’sthegiftofhimthatlaysyonder,coldbutjoyful.”
MaryJaneshewentforhim,Susanandthehare-lipwentfortheduke,andthensuchanotherhuggingandkissingIneverseeyet.
Andeverybodycrowdedupwiththetearsintheireyes,andmostshookthehandsoffofthemfrauds,sayingallthetime:
“YouDEARgoodsouls!–howLOVELY!–howCOULDyou!”
Well,then,prettysoonallhandsgottotalkingaboutthediseasedagain,andhowgoodhewas,andwhatalosshewas,andallthat;andbeforelongabigiron-jawedmanworkedhimselfintherefromoutside,andstooda-listeningandlooking,andnotsayinganything;andnobodysayinganythingtohimeither,becausethekingwastalkingandtheywasallbusylistening.
Thekingwassaying–inthemiddleofsomethinghe’dstartedinon–
”–theybein’particklerfriendso’thediseased.
That’swhythey’reinvitedherethisevenin’;buttomorrowwewantALLtocome–everybody;forherespectedeverybody,helikedeverybody,andsoit’sfittenthathisfuneralorgiessh’dbepublic.”
Andsohewenta-mooningonandon,likingtohearhimselftalk,andeverylittlewhilehefetchedinhisfuneralorgiesagain,tillthedukehecouldn’tstanditnomore;sohewritesonalittlescrapofpaper,“OBSEQUIES,youoldfool,”andfoldsitup,andgoestogoo-gooingandreachingitoverpeople’sheadstohim.
Thekinghereadsitandputsitinhispocket,andsays:
“PoorWilliam,afflictedasheis,hisHEART’Saluzright.Asksmetoinviteeverybodytocometothefuneral–wantsmetomake‘emallwelcome.Butheneedn’taworried–itwasjestwhatIwasat.”
Thenheweavesalongagain,perfectlyca’m,andgoestodroppinginhisfuneralorgiesagaineverynowandthen,justlikehedonebefore.Andwhenhedoneitthethirdtimehesays:
“Isayorgies,notbecauseit’sthecommonterm,becauseitain’t–obsequiesbein’thecommonterm–butbecauseorgiesistherightterm.
Obsequiesain’tusedinEnglandnomorenow–it’sgoneout.WesayorgiesnowinEngland.
Orgiesisbetter,becauseitmeansthethingyou’reaftermoreexact.
It’sawordthat’smadeupout’ntheGreekORGO,outside,open,abroad;andtheHebrewJEESUM,toplant,coverup;henceinTER.
So,yousee,funeralorgiesisanopenerpublicfuneral.”
HewastheWORSTIeverstruck.Well,theironjawedmanhelaughedrightinhisface.Everybodywasshocked.Everybodysays,“Why,DOCTOR!”andAbnerShacklefordsays:
“Why,Robinson,hain’tyouheardthenews?ThisisHarveyWilks.”
Thekinghesmiledeager,andshovedouthisflapper,andsays:
“Isitmypoorbrother’sdeargoodfriendandphysician?I–”
“Keepyourhandsoffofme!”saysthedoctor.“YOUtalklikeanEnglishman,DON’Tyou?It’stheworstimitationIeverheard.YOUPeterWilks’sbrother!You’reafraud,that’swhatyouare!”
Well,howtheyalltookon!Theycrowdedaroundthedoctorandtriedtoquiethimdown,andtriedtoexplaintohimandtellhimhowHarvey‘dshowedinfortywaysthatheWASHarvey,andknowedeverybodybyname,andthenamesoftheverydogs,andbeggedandBEGGEDhimnottohurtHarvey’sfeelingsandthepoorgirl’sfeelings,andallthat.
Butitwarn’tnouse;hestormedrightalong,andsaidanymanthatpretendedtobeanEnglishmanandcouldn’timitatethelingonobetterthanwhathedidwasafraudandaliar.
Thepoorgirlswashangingtothekingandcrying;andallofasuddenthedoctorupsandturnsonTHEM.Hesays:
“Iwasyourfather’sfriend,andI’myourfriend;andIwarnyouasafriend,andanhonestonethatwantstoprotectyouandkeepyououtofharmandtrouble,toturnyourbacksonthatscoundrelandhavenothingtodowithhim,theignoranttramp,withhisidioticGreekandHebrew,ashecallsit.
Heisthethinnestkindofanimpostor–hascomeherewithalotofemptynamesandfactswhichhepickedupsomewheres,andyoutakethemforPROOFS,andarehelpedtofoolyourselvesbythesefoolishfriendshere,whooughttoknowbetter.
MaryJaneWilks,youknowmeforyourfriend,andforyourunselfishfriend,too.
Nowlistentome;turnthispitifulrascalout–IBEGyoutodoit.Willyou?”
MaryJanestraightenedherselfup,andmy,butshewashandsome!Shesays:
“HEREismyanswer.”Shehoveupthebagofmoneyandputitintheking’shands,andsays,“Takethissixthousanddollars,andinvestformeandmysistersanywayyouwantto,anddon’tgiveusnoreceiptforit.”
Thensheputherarmaroundthekingononeside,andSusanandthehare-lipdonethesameontheother.
Everybodyclappedtheirhandsandstompedonthefloorlikeaperfectstorm,whilstthekinghelduphisheadandsmiledproud.Thedoctorsays:
“Allright;IwashMYhandsofthematter.ButIwarnyouallthatatime’scomingwhenyou’regoingtofeelsickwheneveryouthinkofthisday.”Andawayhewent.
“Allright,doctor,”saystheking,kindermockinghim;“we’lltryandget‘emtosendforyou;”whichmadethemalllaugh,andtheysaiditwasaprimegoodhit.
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