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WELL,alldayhimandthekingwashardatit,riggingupastageandacurtainandarowofcandlesforfootlights;andthatnightthehousewasjamfullofmeninnotime.
Whentheplacecouldn’tholdnomore,thedukehequittendingdoorandwentaroundthebackwayandcomeontothestageandstoodupbeforethecurtainandmadealittlespeech,andpraisedupthistragedy,andsaiditwasthemostthrillingestonethateverwas;andsohewentonabraggingaboutthetragedy,andaboutEdmundKeantheElder,whichwastoplaythemainprincipalpartinit;andatlastwhenhe’dgoteverybody’sexpectationsuphighenough,herolledupthecurtain,andthenextminutethekingcomea-prancingoutonallfours,naked;andhewaspaintedallover,ringstreaked-and-striped,allsortsofcolors,assplendidasarainbow.
And–butnevermindtherestofhisoutfit;itwasjustwild,butitwasawfulfunny.
Thepeoplemostkilledthemselveslaughing;andwhenthekinggotdonecaperingandcaperedoffbehindthescenes,theyroaredandclappedandstormedandhawhawedtillhecomebackanddoneitoveragain,andafterthattheymadehimdoitanothertime.
Well,itwouldmakeacowlaughtoseetheshinesthatoldidiotcut.
Thenthedukeheletsthecurtaindown,andbowstothepeople,andsaysthegreattragedywillbeperformedonlytwonightsmore,onaccountsofpressingLondonengagements,wheretheseatsisallsoldalreadyforitinDruryLane;andthenhemakesthemanotherbow,andsaysifhehassucceededinpleasingthemandinstructingthem,hewillbedeeplyobleegediftheywillmentionittotheirfriendsandgetthemtocomeandseeit.
Twentypeoplesingsout:
“What,isitover?IsthatALL?”
Thedukesaysyes.Thentherewasafinetime.Everybodysingsout,“Sold!”
androseupmad,andwasa-goingforthatstageandthemtragedians.
Butabig,finelookingmanjumpsuponabenchandshouts:
“Holdon!Justaword,gentlemen.”Theystoppedtolisten.“Wearesold–mightybadlysold.
Butwedon’twanttobethelaughingstockofthiswholetown,Ireckon,andneverhearthelastofthisthingaslongaswelive.NO.
Whatwewantistogooutofherequiet,andtalkthisshowup,andselltheRESTofthetown!Thenwe’llallbeinthesameboat.Ain’tthatsensible?”(“Youbetitis!–thejedgeisright!”everybodysingsout.)
“Allright,then–notawordaboutanysell.
Goalonghome,andadviseeverybodytocomeandseethetragedy.”
Nextdayyoucouldn’thearnothingaroundthattownbuthowsplendidthatshowwas.
Housewasjammedagainthatnight,andwesoldthiscrowdthesameway.
Whenmeandthekingandthedukegothometotheraftweallhadasupper;andbyandby,aboutmidnight,theymadeJimandmebackheroutandfloatherdownthemiddleoftheriver,andfetchherinandhideherabouttwomilebelowtown.
Thethirdnightthehousewascrammedagain–andtheywarn’tnew-comersthistime,butpeoplethatwasattheshowtheothertwonights.
Istoodbythedukeatthedoor,andIseethateverymanthatwentinhadhispocketsbulging,orsomethingmuffledupunderhiscoat–andIseeitwarn’tnoperfumery,neither,notbyalongsight.
Ismeltsicklyeggsbythebarrel,androttencabbages,andsuchthings;andifIknowthesignsofadeadcatbeingaround,andIbetIdo,therewassixty-fourofthemwentin.
Ishovedinthereforaminute,butitwastoovariousforme;Icouldn’tstandit.
Well,whentheplacecouldn’tholdnomorepeoplethedukehegiveafellowaquarterandtoldhimtotenddoorforhimaminute,andthenhestartedaroundforthestagedoor,Iafterhim;buttheminuteweturnedthecornerandwasinthedarkhesays:
“Walkfastnowtillyougetawayfromthehouses,andthenshinfortheraftlikethedickenswasafteryou!”
Idoneit,andhedonethesame.Westrucktheraftatthesametime,andinlessthantwosecondswewasglidingdownstream,alldarkandstill,andedgingtowardsthemiddleoftheriver,nobodysayingaword.
Ireckonedthepoorkingwasinforagaudytimeofitwiththeaudience,butnothingofthesort;prettysoonhecrawlsoutfromunderthewigwam,andsays:
“Well,how’dtheoldthingpanoutthistime,duke?”Hehadn’tbeenup-townatall.
Wenevershowedalighttillwewasabouttenmilebelowthevillage.
Thenwelitupandhadasupper,andthekingandthedukefairlylaughedtheirboneslooseoverthewaythey’dservedthempeople.Thedukesays:
“Greenhorns,flatheads!Iknewthefirsthousewouldkeepmumandlettherestofthetowngetropedin;andIknewthey’dlayforusthethirdnight,andconsideritwasTHEIRturnnow.
Well,itIStheirturn,andI’dgivesomethingtoknowhowmuchthey’dtakeforit.
IWOULDjustliketoknowhowthey’reputtingintheiropportunity.
Theycanturnitintoapicniciftheywantto–theybroughtplentyprovisions.”
Themrapscallionstookinfourhundredandsixtyfivedollarsinthatthreenights.
Ineverseemoneyhauledinbythewagon-loadlikethatbefore.
Byandby,whentheywasasleepandsnoring,Jimsays:
“Don’tits’priseyoudewaydemkingscarrieson,Huck?”
“No,”Isays,“itdon’t.”
“Whydon’tit,Huck?”
“Well,itdon’t,becauseit’sinthebreed.Ireckonthey’reallalike,”
“But,Huck,desekingso’ournisreglarrapscallions;dat’sjistwhatdeyis;dey’sreglarrapscallions.”
“Well,that’swhatI’ma-saying;allkingsismostlyrapscallions,asfurasIcanmakeout.”
“Isdatso?”
“Youreadaboutthemonce–you’llsee.LookatHenrytheEight;this‘n’saSunday-schoolSuperintendenttoHIM.
AndlookatCharlesSecond,andLouisFourteen,andLouisFifteen,andJamesSecond,andEdwardSecond,andRichardThird,andfortymore;besidesallthemSaxonheptarchiesthatusedtoriparoundsoinoldtimesandraiseCain.
My,yououghttoseenoldHenrytheEightwhenhewasinbloom.HeWASablossom.
Heusedtomarryanewwifeeveryday,andchopoffherheadnextmorning.
Andhewoulddoitjustasindifferentasifhewasorderingupeggs.‘FetchupNellGwynn,’hesays.Theyfetchherup.Nextmorning,‘Chopoffherhead!’Andtheychopitoff.
‘FetchupJaneShore,’hesays;andupshecomes,Nextmorning,‘Chopoffherhead’–andtheychopitoff.‘RingupFairRosamun.’FairRosamunanswersthebell.Nextmorning,‘Chopoffherhead.’
Andhemadeeveryoneofthemtellhimataleeverynight;andhekeptthatuptillhehadhoggedathousandandonetalesthatway,andthenheputthemallinabook,andcalleditDomesdayBook–whichwasagoodnameandstatedthecase.
Youdon’tknowkings,Jim,butIknowthem;andthisoldripofournisoneofthecleanestI’vestruckinhistory.
Well,Henryhetakesanotionhewantstogetupsometroublewiththiscountry.Howdoeshegoatit–givenotice?–givethecountryashow?No.
AllofasuddenheheavesalltheteainBostonHarboroverboard,andwhacksoutadeclarationofindependence,anddaresthemtocomeon.
ThatwasHISstyle–henevergiveanybodyachance.
Hehadsuspicionsofhisfather,theDukeofWellington.Well,whatdidhedo?Askhimtoshowup?
No–drowndedhiminabuttofmamsey,likeacat.
S’posepeopleleftmoneylayingaroundwherehewas–whatdidhedo?Hecollaredit.
S’posehecontractedtodoathing,andyoupaidhim,anddidn’tsetdownthereandseethathedoneit–whatdidhedo?Healwaysdonetheotherthing.S’poseheopenedhismouth–whatthen?
Ifhedidn’tshutituppowerfulquickhe’dlosealieeverytime.
That’sthekindofabugHenrywas;andifwe’dahadhimalong‘steadofourkingshe’dafooledthattownaheapworsethanourndone.
Idon’tsaythatournislambs,becausetheyain’t,whenyoucomerightdowntothecoldfacts;buttheyain’tnothingtoTHAToldram,anyway.
AllIsayis,kingsiskings,andyougottomakeallowances.
Takethemallaround,they’reamightyornerylot.It’sthewaythey’reraised.”
“ButdisonedoSMELLsolikedenation,Huck.”
“Well,theyalldo,Jim.Wecan’thelpthewayakingsmells;historydon’ttellnoway.”
“Nowdeduke,he’satolerblelikelymaninsomeways.”
“Yes,aduke’sdifferent.Butnotverydifferent.Thisone’samiddlinghardlotforaduke.Whenhe’sdrunkthereain’tnonear-sightedmancouldtellhimfromaking.”
“Well,anyways,Idoan’hankerfornomo’unum,Huck.DeseisallIkinstan’.”
“It’sthewayIfeel,too,Jim.Butwe’vegotthemonourhands,andwegottorememberwhattheyare,andmakeallowances.SometimesIwishwecouldhearofacountrythat’soutofkings.”
WhatwastheusetotellJimthesewarn’trealkingsanddukes?Itwouldn’tadonenogood;and,besides,itwasjustasIsaid:youcouldn’ttellthemfromtherealkind.
Iwenttosleep,andJimdidn’tcallmewhenitwasmyturn.Heoftendonethat.
WhenIwakedupjustatdaybreakhewassittingtherewithhisheaddownbetwixthisknees,moaningandmourningtohimself.Ididn’ttakenoticenorleton.Iknowedwhatitwasabout.
Hewasthinkingabouthiswifeandhischildren,awayupyonder,andhewaslowandhomesick;becausehehadn’teverbeenawayfromhomebeforeinhislife;andIdobelievehecaredjustasmuchforhispeopleaswhitefolksdoesfortheir’n.
Itdon’tseemnatural,butIreckonit’sso.
Hewasoftenmoaningandmourningthatwaynights,whenhejudgedIwasasleep,andsaying,“Po’little‘Lizabeth!po’littleJohnny!
it’smightyhard;Ispec’Iain’tevergwynetoseeyounomo’,nomo’!”Hewasamightygoodnigger,Jimwas.
ButthistimeIsomehowgottotalkingtohimabouthiswifeandyoungones;andbyandbyhesays:
“Whatmakesmefeelsobaddistime‘uzbekaseIhearsumpnoveryonderondebanklikeawhack,eraslam,whileago,enitminemeerdetimeItreatmylittle‘Lizabethsoornery.
Shewarn’ton’y‘boutfo’yearole,enshetuckdesk’yarletfever,enhadapowfulroughspell;butshegotwell,enonedayshewasa-stannin’aroun’,enIsaystoher,Isays:
”’Shetdedo’.’
“Sheneverdoneit;jis’stooddah,kinersmilin’upatme.Itmakememad;enIsaysagin,mightyloud,Isays:
”’Doan’youhearme?Shetdedo’!’
“Shejisstooddesameway,kinersmilin’up.Iwasa-bilin’!Isays:
”’IlayIMAKEyoumine!’
“EnwiddatIfetch’heraslapsidedeheaddatsonthera-sprawlin’.
DenIwentintodeyutherroom,en‘uzgone‘bouttenminutes;enwhenIcomebackdahwasdatdo’a-stannin’openYIT,endatchilestannin’mos’rightinit,a-lookin’downandmournin’,endetearsrunnin’down.My,butIWUZmad!
Iwasa-gwynefordechile,butjis’den–itwasado’datopeninnerds–jis’den,‘longcomedewindenslamitto,behinedechile,ker-BLAM!–enmylan’,dechilenevermove’!
Mybreffmos’hopouterme;enIfeelso–so–Idoan’knowHOWIfeel.
Icropeout,alla-tremblin’,encropearoun’enopendedo’easyenslow,enpokemyheadinbehinedechile,sof’enstill,enalluvasuddenIsaysPOW!jis’asloudasIcouldyell.SHENEVERBUDGE!
Oh,Huck,Ibustouta-cryin’engrabherupinmyarms,ensay,‘Oh,depo’littlething!
DeLordGodAmightyfogivepo’oleJim,kazehenevergwynetofogivehisselfaslong’shelive!’
Oh,shewasplumbdeefendumb,Huck,plumbdeefendumb–enI’dbenatreat’nherso!”
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