English
June20th.—Eighto’clock.Thesunisshininginaclearsky.
Ihavenotbeennearmybed—Ihavenotonceclosedmywearywakefuleyes.
FromthesamewindowatwhichIlookedoutintothedarknessoflastnight,Ilookoutnowatthebrightstillnessofthemorning.
IcountthehoursthathavepassedsinceIescapedtotheshelterofthisroombymyownsensations—andthosehoursseemlikeweeks.
Howshortatime,andyethowlongtoME—sinceIsankdowninthedarkness,here,onthefloor—drenchedtotheskin,crampedineverylimb,coldtothebones,auseless,helpless,panic-strickencreature.
IhardlyknowwhenIrousedmyself.IhardlyknowwhenIgropedmywaybacktothebedroom,andlightedthecandle,andsearched(withastrangeignorance,atfirst,ofwheretolookforthem)fordryclothestowarmme.
Thedoingofthesethingsisinmymind,butnotthetimewhentheyweredone.
CanIevenrememberwhenthechilled,crampedfeelingleftme,andthethrobbingheatcameinitsplace?
Surelyitwasbeforethesunrose?Yes,Iheardtheclockstrikethree.
Irememberthetimebythesuddenbrightnessandclearness,thefeverishstrainandexcitementofallmyfacultieswhichcamewithit.
Iremembermyresolutiontocontrolmyself,towaitpatientlyhourafterhour,tillthechanceofferedofremovingLaurafromthishorribleplace,withoutthedangerofimmediatediscoveryandpursuit.
Irememberthepersuasionsettlingitselfinmymindthatthewordsthosetwomenhadsaidtoeachotherwouldfurnishus,notonlywithourjustificationforleavingthehouse,butwithourweaponsofdefenceagainstthemaswell.
Irecalltheimpulsethatawakenedinmetopreservethosewordsinwriting,exactlyastheywerespoken,whilethetimewasmyown,andwhilemymemoryvividlyretainedthem.
AllthisIrememberplainly:thereisnoconfusioninmyheadyet.
Thecominginherefromthebedroom,withmypenandinkandpaper,beforesunrise—thesittingdownatthewidely-openedwindowtogetalltheairIcouldtocoolme—theceaselesswriting,fasterandfaster,hotterandhotter,drivingonmoreandmorewakefully,allthroughthedreadfulintervalbeforethehousewasastiragain—howclearlyIrecallit,fromthebeginningbycandle-light,totheendonthepagebeforethis,inthesunshineofthenewday!
WhydoIsitherestill?WhydoIwearymyhoteyesandmyburningheadbywritingmore?Whynotliedownandrestmyself,andtrytoquenchthefeverthatconsumesme,insleep?
Idarenotattemptit.Afearbeyondallotherfearshasgotpossessionofme.
Iamafraidofthisheatthatparchesmyskin.
IamafraidofthecreepingandthrobbingthatIfeelinmyhead.
IfIliedownnow,howdoIknowthatImayhavethesenseandthestrengthtoriseagain?
Oh,therain,therain—thecruelrainthatchilledmelastnight!
Nineo’clock.Wasitninestruck,oreight?Nine,surely?Iamshiveringagain—shivering,fromheadtofoot,inthesummerair.HaveIbeensittinghereasleep?Idon’tknowwhatIhavebeendoing.
Oh,myGod!amIgoingtobeill?
Ill,atsuchatimeasthis!
Myhead—Iamsadlyafraidofmyhead.Icanwrite,butthelinesallruntogether.Iseethewords.Laura—IcanwriteLaura,andseeIwriteit.Eightornine—whichwasit?
Socold,socold—oh,thatrainlastnight!—andthestrokesoftheclock,thestrokesIcan’tcount,keepstrikinginmyhead——
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[AtthisplacetheentryintheDiaryceasestobelegible.
Thetwoorthreelineswhichfollowcontainfragmentsofwordsonly,mingledwithblotsandscratchesofthepen.
Thelastmarksonthepaperbearsomeresemblancetothefirsttwoletters(LandA)ofthenameofLadyGlyde.
OnthenextpageoftheDiary,anotherentryappears.Itisinaman’shandwriting,large,bold,andfirmlyregular,andthedateis“Junethe21st.”Itcontainstheselines—]
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