English
SoendedmyeventfulfirstdayatLimmeridgeHouse.
MissHalcombeandIkeptoursecret.Afterthediscoveryofthelikenessnofreshlightseemeddestinedtobreakoverthemysteryofthewomaninwhite.
AtthefirstsafeopportunityMissHalcombecautiouslyledherhalf-sistertospeakoftheirmother,ofoldtimes,andofAnneCatherick.
MissFairlie’srecollectionsofthelittlescholaratLimmeridgewere,however,onlyofthemostvagueandgeneralkind.
Sherememberedthelikenessbetweenherselfandhermother’sfavouritepupil,assomethingwhichhadbeensupposedtoexistinpasttimes;butshedidnotrefertothegiftofthewhitedresses,ortothesingularformofwordsinwhichthechildhadartlesslyexpressedhergratitudeforthem.
SherememberedthatAnnehadremainedatLimmeridgeforafewmonthsonly,andhadthenleftittogobacktoherhomeinHampshire;butshecouldnotsaywhetherthemotheranddaughterhadeverreturned,orhadeverbeenheardofafterwards.
Nofurthersearch,onMissHalcombe’spart,throughthefewlettersofMrs.Fairlie’swritingwhichshehadleftunread,assistedinclearinguptheuncertaintiesstilllefttoperplexus.
WehadidentifiedtheunhappywomanwhomIhadmetinthenight-timewithAnneCatherick—wehadmadesomeadvance,atleast,towardsconnectingtheprobablydefectiveconditionofthepoorcreature’sintellectwiththepeculiarityofherbeingdressedallinwhite,andwiththecontinuance,inhermatureryears,ofherchildishgratitudetowardsMrs.Fairlie—andthere,sofarasweknewatthattime,ourdiscoverieshadended.
Thedayspassedon,theweekspassedon,andthetrackofthegoldenautumnwounditsbrightwayvisiblythroughthegreensummerofthetrees.Peaceful,fast-flowing,happytime!
mystoryglidesbyyounowasswiftlyasyouonceglidedbyme.
Ofallthetreasuresofenjoymentthatyoupouredsofreelyintomyheart,howmuchisleftmethathaspurposeandvalueenoughtobewrittenonthispage?
Nothingbutthesaddestofallconfessionsthatamancanmake—theconfessionofhisownfolly.
Thesecretwhichthatconfessiondisclosesshouldbetoldwithlittleeffort,forithasindirectlyescapedmealready.
Thepoorweakwords,whichhavefailedtodescribeMissFairlie,havesucceededinbetrayingthesensationssheawakenedinme.Itissowithusall.
Ourwordsaregiantswhentheydousaninjury,anddwarfswhentheydousaservice.
Ilovedher.
Ah!howwellIknowallthesadnessandallthemockerythatiscontainedinthosethreewords.
Icansighovermymournfulconfessionwiththetenderestwomanwhoreadsitandpitiesme.
Icanlaughatitasbitterlyasthehardestmanwhotossesitfromhimincontempt.Ilovedher!
Feelforme,ordespiseme,Iconfessitwiththesameimmovableresolutiontoownthetruth.
Wastherenoexcuseforme?Therewassomeexcusetobefound,surely,intheconditionsunderwhichmytermofhiredservicewaspassedatLimmeridgeHouse.
Mymorninghourssucceededeachothercalmlyinthequietandseclusionofmyownroom.
Ihadjustworkenoughtodo,inmountingmyemployer’sdrawings,tokeepmyhandsandeyespleasurablyemployed,whilemymindwasleftfreetoenjoythedangerousluxuryofitsownunbridledthoughts.
Aperiloussolitude,foritlastedlongenoughtoenervate,notlongenoughtofortifyme.
Aperiloussolitude,foritwasfollowedbyafternoonsandeveningsspent,dayafterdayandweekafterweekaloneinthesocietyoftwowomen,oneofwhompossessedalltheaccomplishmentsofgrace,wit,andhigh-breeding,theotherallthecharmsofbeauty,gentleness,andsimpletruth,thatcanpurifyandsubduetheheartofman.
Notadaypassed,inthatdangerousintimacyofteacherandpupil,inwhichmyhandwasnotclosetoMissFairlie’s;mycheek,aswebenttogetheroverhersketch-book,almosttouchinghers.
Themoreattentivelyshewatchedeverymovementofmybrush,themorecloselyIwasbreathingtheperfumeofherhair,andthewarmfragranceofherbreath.
Itwaspartofmyservicetoliveintheverylightofhereyes—atonetimetobebendingoverher,soclosetoherbosomastotrembleatthethoughtoftouchingit;atanother,tofeelherbendingoverme,bendingsoclosetoseewhatIwasabout,thathervoicesanklowwhenshespoketome,andherribbonsbrushedmycheekinthewindbeforeshecoulddrawthemback.
Theeveningswhichfollowedthesketchingexcursionsoftheafternoonvaried,ratherthanchecked,theseinnocent,theseinevitablefamiliarities.
Mynaturalfondnessforthemusicwhichsheplayedwithsuchtenderfeeling,suchdelicatewomanlytaste,andhernaturalenjoymentofgivingmeback,bythepracticeofherart,thepleasurewhichIhadofferedtoherbythepracticeofmine,onlywoveanothertiewhichdrewuscloserandclosertooneanother.
Theaccidentsofconversation;thesimplehabitswhichregulatedevensuchalittlethingasthepositionofourplacesattable;theplayofMissHalcombe’sever-readyraillery,alwaysdirectedagainstmyanxietyasteacher,whileitsparkledoverherenthusiasmaspupil;theharmlessexpressionofpoorMrs.Vesey’sdrowsyapproval,whichconnectedMissFairlieandmeastwomodelyoungpeoplewhoneverdisturbedher—everyoneofthesetrifles,andmanymore,combinedtofoldustogetherinthesamedomesticatmosphere,andtoleadusbothinsensiblytothesamehopelessend.
Ishouldhaverememberedmyposition,andhaveputmyselfsecretlyonmyguard.Ididso,butnottillitwastoolate.
Allthediscretion,alltheexperience,whichhadavailedmewithotherwomen,andsecuredmeagainstothertemptations,failedmewithher.
Ithadbeenmyprofession,foryearspast,tobeinthisclosecontactwithyounggirlsofallages,andofallordersofbeauty.
Ihadacceptedthepositionaspartofmycallinginlife;Ihadtrainedmyselftoleaveallthesympathiesnaturaltomyageinmyemployer’souterhall,ascoollyasIleftmyumbrellatherebeforeIwentupstairs.
Ihadlongsincelearnttounderstand,composedlyandasamatterofcourse,thatmysituationinlifewasconsideredaguaranteeagainstanyofmyfemalepupilsfeelingmorethanthemostordinaryinterestinme,andthatIwasadmittedamongbeautifulandcaptivatingwomenmuchasaharmlessdomesticanimalisadmittedamongthem.
ThisguardianexperienceIhadgainedearly;thisguardianexperiencehadsternlyandstrictlyguidedmestraightalongmyownpoornarrowpath,withoutoncelettingmestrayaside,totherighthandortotheleft.
AndnowIandmytrustytalismanwerepartedforthefirsttime.
Yes,myhardly-earnedself-controlwasascompletelylosttomeasifIhadneverpossessedit;losttome,asitislosteverydaytoothermen,inothercriticalsituations,wherewomenareconcerned.
Iknow,now,thatIshouldhavequestionedmyselffromthefirst.
Ishouldhaveaskedwhyanyroominthehousewasbetterthanhometomewhensheenteredit,andbarrenasadesertwhenshewentoutagain—whyIalwaysnoticedandrememberedthelittlechangesinherdressthatIhadnoticedandrememberedinnootherwoman’sbefore—whyIsawher,heardher,andtouchedher(whenweshookhandsatnightandmorning)asIhadneverseen,heard,andtouchedanyotherwomaninmylife?
Ishouldhavelookedintomyownheart,andfoundthisnewgrowthspringingupthere,andpluckeditoutwhileitwasyoung.
Whywasthiseasiest,simplestworkofself-culturealwaystoomuchforme?
Theexplanationhasbeenwrittenalreadyinthethreewordsthatweremanyenough,andplainenough,formyconfession.Ilovedher.
Thedayspassed,theweekspassed;itwasapproachingthethirdmonthofmystayinCumberland.
Thedeliciousmonotonyoflifeinourcalmseclusionflowedonwithme,likeasmoothstreamwithaswimmerwhoglidesdownthecurrent.
Allmemoryofthepast,allthoughtofthefuture,allsenseofthefalsenessandhopelessnessofmyownposition,layhushedwithinmeintodeceitfulrest.
LulledbytheSyren-songthatmyownheartsungtome,witheyesshuttoallsight,andearsclosedtoallsoundofdanger,Idriftednearerandnearertothefatalrocks.
Thewarningthatarousedmeatlast,andstartledmeintosudden,self-accusingconsciousnessofmyownweakness,wastheplainest,thetruest,thekindestofallwarnings,foritcamesilentlyfromHER.
Wehadpartedonenightasusual.Nowordhadfallenfrommylips,atthattimeoratanytimebeforeit,thatcouldbetrayme,orstartleherintosuddenknowledgeofthetruth.
Butwhenwemetagaininthemorning,achangehadcomeoverher—achangethattoldmeall.
Ishrankthen—Ishrinkstill—frominvadingtheinnermostsanctuaryofherheart,andlayingitopentoothers,asIhavelaidopenmyown.
Letitbeenoughtosaythatthetimewhenshefirstsurprisedmysecretwas,Ifirmlybelieve,thetimewhenshefirstsurprisedherown,andthetime,also,whenshechangedtowardsmeintheintervalofonenight.
Hernature,tootruthfultodeceiveothers,wastoonobletodeceiveitself.
WhenthedoubtthatIhadhushedasleepfirstlaiditswearyweightonherheart,thetruefaceownedall,andsaid,initsownfrank,simplelanguage—Iamsorryforhim;Iamsorryformyself.
Itsaidthis,andmore,whichIcouldnottheninterpret.
Iunderstoodbuttoowellthechangeinhermanner,togreaterkindnessandquickerreadinessininterpretingallmywishes,beforeothers—toconstraintandsadness,andnervousanxietytoabsorbherselfinthefirstoccupationshecouldseizeon,wheneverwehappenedtobelefttogetheralone.
Iunderstoodwhythesweetsensitivelipssmiledsorarelyandsorestrainedlynow,andwhytheclearblueeyeslookedatme,sometimeswiththepityofanangel,sometimeswiththeinnocentperplexityofachild.Butthechangemeantmorethanthis.
Therewasacoldnessinherhand,therewasanunnaturalimmobilityinherface,therewasinallhermovementsthemuteexpressionofconstantfearandclingingself-reproach.
ThesensationsthatIcouldtracetoherselfandtome,theunacknowledgedsensationsthatwewerefeelingincommon,werenotthese.
Therewerecertainelementsofthechangeinherthatwerestillsecretlydrawingustogether,andothersthatwere,assecretly,beginningtodriveusapart.
Inmydoubtandperplexity,inmyvaguesuspicionofsomethinghiddenwhichIwaslefttofindbymyownunaidedefforts,IexaminedMissHalcombe’slooksandmannerforenlightenment.
Livinginsuchintimacyasours,noseriousalterationcouldtakeplaceinanyoneofuswhichdidnotsympatheticallyaffecttheothers.
ThechangeinMissFairliewasreflectedinherhalf-sister.
AlthoughnotawordescapedMissHalcombewhichhintedatanalteredstateoffeelingtowardsmyself,herpenetratingeyeshadcontractedanewhabitofalwayswatchingme.
Sometimesthelookwaslikesuppressedanger,sometimeslikesuppresseddread,sometimeslikeneither—likenothing,inshort,whichIcouldunderstand.
Aweekelapsed,leavingusallthreestillinthispositionofsecretconstrainttowardsoneanother.
Mysituation,aggravatedbythesenseofmyownmiserableweaknessandforgetfulnessofmyself,nowtoolateawakenedinme,wasbecomingintolerable.
IfeltthatImustcastofftheoppressionunderwhichIwasliving,atonceandforever—yethowtoactforthebest,orwhattosayfirst,wasmorethanIcouldtell.
FromthispositionofhelplessnessandhumiliationIwasrescuedbyMissHalcombe.
Herlipstoldmethebitter,thenecessary,theunexpectedtruth;herheartykindnesssustainedmeundertheshockofhearingit;hersenseandcourageturnedtoitsrightuseaneventwhichthreatenedtheworstthatcouldhappen,tomeandtoothers,inLimmeridgeHouse.
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