English
TheregimentwithitsofficerswastobetransportedinshipsprovidedbyHisMajesty’sgovernmentfortheoccasion:andintwodaysafterthefestiveassemblyatMrs.O’Dowd’sapartments,inthemidstofcheeringfromalltheEastIndiashipsintheriver,andthemilitaryonshore,thebandplaying“GodSavetheKing,”theofficerswavingtheirhats,andthecrewshurrahinggallantly,thetransportswentdowntheriverandproceededunderconvoytoOstend.
MeanwhilethegallantJoshadagreedtoescorthissisterandtheMajor’swife,thebulkofwhosegoodsandchattels,includingthefamousbirdofparadiseandturban,werewiththeregimentalbaggage:sothatourtwoheroinesdroveprettymuchunencumberedtoRamsgate,wheretherewereplentyofpacketsplying,inoneofwhichtheyhadaspeedypassagetoOstend.
ThatperiodofJos’slifewhichnowensuedwassofullofincident,thatitservedhimforconversationformanyyearsafter,andeventhetiger-huntstorywasputasideformorestirringnarrativeswhichhehadtotellaboutthegreatcampaignofWaterloo.
Assoonashehadagreedtoescorthissisterabroad,itwasremarkedthatheceasedshavinghisupperlip.
AtChathamhefollowedtheparadesanddrillswithgreatassiduity.
Helistenedwiththeutmostattentiontotheconversationofhisbrotherofficers(ashecalledtheminafterdayssometimes),andlearnedasmanymilitarynamesashecould.
InthesestudiestheexcellentMrs.O’Dowdwasofgreatassistancetohim;andonthedayfinallywhentheyembarkedonboardtheLovelyRose,whichwastocarrythemtotheirdestination,hemadehisappearanceinabraidedfrock-coatandducktrousers,withaforagingcapornamentedwithasmartgoldband.
Havinghiscarriagewithhim,andinformingeverybodyonboardconfidentiallythathewasgoingtojointheDukeofWellington’sarmy,folksmistookhimforagreatpersonage,acommissary-general,oragovernmentcourierattheveryleast.
Hesufferedhugelyonthevoyage,duringwhichtheladieswerelikewiseprostrate;butAmeliawasbroughttolifeagainasthepacketmadeOstend,bythesightofthetransportsconveyingherregiment,whichenteredtheharbouralmostatthesametimewiththeLovelyRose.
Joswentinacollapsedstatetoaninn,whileCaptainDobbinescortedtheladies,andthenbusiedhimselfinfreeingJos’scarriageandluggagefromtheshipandthecustom-house,forMr.Joswasatpresentwithoutaservant,Osborne’smanandhisownpamperedmenialhavingconspiredtogetheratChatham,andrefusedpoint-blanktocrossthewater.
Thisrevolt,whichcameverysuddenly,andonthelastday,soalarmedMr.Sedley,junior,thathewasonthepointofgivinguptheexpedition,butCaptainDobbin(whomadehimselfimmenselyofficiousinthebusiness,Jossaid),ratedhimandlaughedathimsoundly:themustachiosweregrowninadvance,andJosfinallywaspersuadedtoembark.
Inplaceofthewell-bredandwell-fedLondondomestics,whocouldonlyspeakEnglish,DobbinprocuredforJos’spartyaswarthylittleBelgianservantwhocouldspeaknolanguageatall;butwho,byhisbustlingbehaviour,andbyinvariablyaddressingMr.Sedleyas“Mylord,”speedilyacquiredthatgentleman’sfavour.
TimesarealteredatOstendnow;oftheBritonswhogothither,veryfewlooklikelords,oractlikethosemembersofourhereditaryaristocracy.
Theyseemforthemostpartshabbyinattire,dingyoflinen,loversofbilliardsandbrandy,andcigarsandgreasyordinaries.
Butitmaybesaidasarule,thateveryEnglishmanintheDukeofWellington’sarmypaidhisway.
Theremembranceofsuchafactsurelybecomesanationofshopkeepers.
Itwasablessingforacommerce-lovingcountrytobeoverrunbysuchanarmyofcustomers:andtohavesuchcreditablewarriorstofeed.
Andthecountrywhichtheycametoprotectisnotmilitary.
Foralongperiodofhistorytheyhaveletotherpeoplefightthere.
WhenthepresentwriterwenttosurveywitheagleglancethefieldofWaterloo,weaskedtheconductorofthediligence,aportlywarlike-lookingveteran,whetherhehadbeenatthebattle.
“Passibete”—suchananswerandsentimentasnoFrenchmanwouldownto—washisreply.
But,ontheotherhand,thepostilionwhodroveuswasaViscount,asonofsomebankruptImperialGeneral,whoacceptedapennyworthofbeerontheroad.Themoralissurelyagoodone.
Thisflat,flourishing,easycountrynevercouldhavelookedmorerichandprosperousthaninthatopeningsummerof1815,whenitsgreenfieldsandquietcitieswereenlivenedbymultipliedred-coats:whenitswidechausseesswarmedwithbrilliantEnglishequipages:whenitsgreatcanal-boats,glidingbyrichpasturesandpleasantquaintoldvillages,byoldchateauxlyingamongstoldtrees,wereallcrowdedwithwell-to-doEnglishtravellers:whenthesoldierwhodrankatthevillageinn,notonlydrank,butpaidhisscore;andDonald,theHighlander,billetedintheFlemishfarm-house,rockedthebaby’scradle,whileJeanandJeannettewereoutgettinginthehay.
Asourpaintersarebentonmilitarysubjectsjustnow,Ithrowoutthisasagoodsubjectforthepencil,toillustratetheprincipleofanhonestEnglishwar.
AlllookedasbrilliantandharmlessasaHydeParkreview.
Meanwhile,Napoleonscreenedbehindhiscurtainoffrontier-fortresses,waspreparingfortheoutbreakwhichwastodrivealltheseorderlypeopleintofuryandblood;andlaysomanyofthemlow.
Everybodyhadsuchaperfectfeelingofconfidenceintheleader(fortheresolutefaithwhichtheDukeofWellingtonhadinspiredinthewholeEnglishnationwasasintenseasthatmorefranticenthusiasmwithwhichatonetimetheFrenchregardedNapoleon),thecountryseemedinsoperfectastateoforderlydefence,andthehelpathandincaseofneedsonearandoverwhelming,thatalarmwasunknown,andourtravellers,amongwhomtwowerenaturallyofaverytimidsort,were,likealltheothermultipliedEnglishtourists,entirelyatease.
Thefamousregiment,withsomanyofwhoseofficerswehavemadeacquaintance,wasdraftedincanalboatstoBrugesandGhent,thencetomarchtoBrussels.
Josaccompaniedtheladiesinthepublicboats;thewhichalloldtravellersinFlandersmustrememberfortheluxuryandaccommodationtheyafforded.
Soprodigiouslygoodwastheeatinganddrinkingonboardthesesluggishbutmostcomfortablevessels,thattherearelegendsextantofanEnglishtraveller,who,comingtoBelgiumforaweek,andtravellinginoneoftheseboats,wassodelightedwiththefaretherethathewentbackwardsandforwardsfromGhenttoBrugesperpetuallyuntiltherailroadswereinvented,whenhedrownedhimselfonthelasttripofthepassage-boat.
Jos’sdeathwasnottobeofthissort,buthiscomfortwasexceeding,andMrs.O’DowdinsistedthatheonlywantedhersisterGlorvinatomakehishappinesscomplete.
HesateontheroofofthecabinalldaydrinkingFlemishbeer,shoutingforIsidor,hisservant,andtalkinggallantlytotheladies.
Hiscouragewasprodigious.“Boneyattackus!”hecried.
“Mydearcreature,mypoorEmmy,don’tbefrightened.There’snodanger.
TheallieswillbeinParisintwomonths,Itellyou;whenI’lltakeyoutodineinthePalaisRoyal,byJove!
TherearethreehundredthousandRooshians,Itellyou,nowenteringFrancebyMayenceandtheRhine—threehundredthousandunderWittgensteinandBarclaydeTolly,mypoorlove.
Youdon’tknowmilitaryaffairs,mydear.
Ido,andItellyouthere’snoinfantryinFrancecanstandagainstRooshianinfantry,andnogeneralofBoney’sthat’sfittoholdacandletoWittgenstein.
ThentherearetheAustrians,theyarefivehundredthousandifaman,andtheyarewithintenmarchesofthefrontierbythistime,underSchwartzenbergandPrinceCharles.
ThentherearetheProoshiansunderthegallantPrinceMarshal.
ShowmeacavalrychieflikehimnowthatMuratisgone.Hey,Mrs.O’Dowd?
Doyouthinkourlittlegirlhereneedbeafraid?Isthereanycauseforfear,Isidor?Hey,sir?Getsomemorebeer.”
Mrs.O’Dowdsaidthather“Glorvinawasnotafraidofanymanalive,letaloneaFrenchman,”andtossedoffaglassofbeerwithawinkwhichexpressedherlikingforthebeverage.
Havingfrequentlybeeninpresenceoftheenemy,or,inotherwords,facedtheladiesatCheltenhamandBath,ourfriend,theCollector,hadlostagreatdealofhispristinetimidity,andwasnow,especiallywhenfortifiedwithliquor,astalkativeasmightbe.
Hewasratherafavouritewiththeregiment,treatingtheyoungofficerswithsumptuosity,andamusingthembyhismilitaryairs.
Andasthereisonewell-knownregimentofthearmywhichtravelswithagoatheadingthecolumn,whilstanotherisledbyadeer,Georgesaidwithrespecttohisbrother-in-law,thathisregimentmarchedwithanelephant.
SinceAmelia’sintroductiontotheregiment,Georgebegantoberatherashamedofsomeofthecompanytowhichhehadbeenforcedtopresenther;anddetermined,ashetoldDobbin(withwhatsatisfactiontothelatteritneednotbesaid),toexchangeintosomebetterregimentsoon,andtogethiswifeawayfromthosedamnedvulgarwomen.
Butthisvulgarityofbeingashamedofone’ssocietyismuchmorecommonamongmenthanwomen(exceptverygreatladiesoffashion,who,tobesure,indulgeinit);andMrs.Amelia,anaturalandunaffectedperson,hadnoneofthatartificialshamefacednesswhichherhusbandmistookfordelicacyonhisownpart.
ThusMrs.O’Dowdhadacock’splumeinherhat,andaverylarge“repayther”onherstomach,whichsheusedtoringonalloccasions,narratinghowithadbeenpresentedtoherbyherfawther,asshestiptintothecar’geafterhermar’ge;andtheseornaments,withotheroutwardpeculiaritiesoftheMajor’swife,gaveexcruciatingagoniestoCaptainOsborne,whenhiswifeandtheMajor’scameincontact;whereasAmeliawasonlyamusedbythehonestlady’seccentricities,andnotintheleastashamedofhercompany.
Astheymadethatwell-knownjourney,whichalmosteveryEnglishmanofmiddlerankhastravelledsince,theremighthavebeenmoreinstructive,butfewmoreentertaining,companionsthanMrs.MajorO’Dowd.“Talkaboutkenalboats;mydear!
YeshouldseethekenalboatsbetweenDublinandBallinasloe.
It’stheretherapidtravellingis;andthebeautifulcattle.
Suremefawthergotagooldmedal(andhisExcellencyhimselfeatasliceofit,andsaidneverwasfinermateinhisloif)forafour-year-oldheifer,thelikeofwhichyeneversawinthiscountryanyday.”
AndJosownedwithasigh,“thatforgoodstreakybeef,reallymingledwithfatandlean,therewasnocountrylikeEngland.”
“ExceptIreland,whereallyourbestmatecomesfrom,”saidtheMajor’slady;proceeding,asisnotunusualwithpatriotsofhernation,tomakecomparisonsgreatlyinfavourofherowncountry.
TheideaofcomparingthemarketatBrugeswiththoseofDublin,althoughshehadsuggesteditherself,causedimmensescornandderisiononherpart.
“I’llthankyetellmewhattheymeanbythatoldgazaboonthetopofthemarket-place,”saidshe,inaburstofridiculefittohavebroughttheoldtowerdown.
TheplacewasfullofEnglishsoldieryastheypassed.
Englishbugleswoketheminthemorning;atnightfalltheywenttobedtothenoteoftheBritishfifeanddrum:allthecountryandEuropewasinarms,andthegreatesteventofhistorypending:andhonestPeggyO’Dowd,whomitconcernedaswellasanother,wentonprattlingaboutBallinafad,andthehorsesinthestablesatGlenmalony,andtheclar’tdrunkthere;andJosSedleyinterposedaboutcurryandriceatDumdum;andAmeliathoughtaboutherhusband,andhowbestsheshouldshowherloveforhim;asifthesewerethegreattopicsoftheworld.
ThosewholiketolaydowntheHistory-book,andtospeculateuponwhatMIGHThavehappenedintheworld,butforthefataloccurrenceofwhatactuallydidtakeplace(amostpuzzling,amusing,ingenious,andprofitablekindofmeditation),havenodoubtoftenthoughttothemselveswhataspeciallybadtimeNapoleontooktocomebackfromElba,andtoletloosehiseaglefromGulfSanJuantoNotreDame.
Thehistoriansonoursidetellusthatthearmiesofthealliedpowerswereallprovidentiallyonawar-footing,andreadytobeardownatamoment’snoticeupontheElbanEmperor.
TheaugustjobbersassembledatVienna,andcarvingoutthekingdomsofEuropeaccordingtotheirwisdom,hadsuchcausesofquarrelamongthemselvesasmighthavesetthearmieswhichhadovercomeNapoleontofightagainsteachother,butforthereturnoftheobjectofunanimoushatredandfear.
ThismonarchhadanarmyinfullforcebecausehehadjobbedtohimselfPoland,andwasdeterminedtokeepit:anotherhadrobbedhalfSaxony,andwasbentuponmaintaininghisacquisition:Italywastheobjectofathird’ssolicitude.
Eachwasprotestingagainsttherapacityoftheother;andcouldtheCorsicanbuthavewaitedinprisonuntilallthesepartieswerebytheears,hemighthavereturnedandreignedunmolested.
Butwhatwouldhavebecomeofourstoryandallourfriends,then?
Ifallthedropsinitweredriedup,whatwouldbecomeofthesea?
Inthemeanwhilethebusinessoflifeandliving,andthepursuitsofpleasure,especially,wentonasifnoendweretobeexpectedtothem,andnoenemyinfront.
WhenourtravellersarrivedatBrussels,inwhichtheirregimentwasquartered,agreatpieceofgoodfortune,asallsaid,theyfoundthemselvesinoneofthegayestandmostbrilliantlittlecapitalsinEurope,andwherealltheVanityFairboothswerelaidoutwiththemosttemptinglivelinessandsplendour.
Gamblingwashereinprofusion,anddancinginplenty:feastingwastheretofillwithdelightthatgreatgourmandofaJos:therewasatheatrewhereamiraculousCatalaniwasdelightingallhearers:beautifulrides,allenlivenedwithmartialsplendour;arareoldcity,withstrangecostumesandwonderfularchitecture,todelighttheeyesoflittleAmelia,whohadneverbeforeseenaforeigncountry,andfillherwithcharmingsurprises:sothatnowandforafewweeks’spaceinafinehandsomelodging,whereoftheexpenseswerebornebyJosandOsborne,whowasflushofmoneyandfullofkindattentionstohiswife—foraboutafortnight,Isay,duringwhichherhoneymoonended,Mrs.AmeliawasaspleasedandhappyasanylittlebrideoutofEngland.
Everydayduringthishappytimetherewasnoveltyandamusementforallparties.
Therewasachurchtosee,orapicture-gallery—therewasaride,oranopera.
Thebandsoftheregimentsweremakingmusicatallhours.
ThegreatestfolksofEnglandwalkedinthePark—therewasaperpetualmilitaryfestival.
George,takingouthiswifetoanewjauntorjunketeverynight,wasquitepleasedwithhimselfasusual,andsworehewasbecomingquiteadomesticcharacter.AndajauntorajunketwithHIM!
Wasitnotenoughtosetthislittleheartbeatingwithjoy?
Herlettershometohermotherwerefilledwithdelightandgratitudeatthisseason.
Herhusbandbadeherbuylaces,millinery,jewels,andgimcracksofallsorts.
Oh,hewasthekindest,best,andmostgenerousofmen!
Thesightoftheverygreatcompanyoflordsandladiesandfashionablepersonswhothrongedthetown,andappearedineverypublicplace,filledGeorge’strulyBritishsoulwithintensedelight.
Theyflungoffthathappyfrigidityandinsolenceofdemeanourwhichoccasionallycharacterisesthegreatathome,andappearinginnumberlesspublicplaces,condescendedtominglewiththerestofthecompanywhomtheymetthere.
OnenightatapartygivenbythegeneralofthedivisiontowhichGeorge’sregimentbelonged,hehadthehonourofdancingwithLadyBlancheThistlewood,LordBareacres’daughter;hebustledforicesandrefreshmentsforthetwonobleladies;hepushedandsqueezedforLadyBareacres’carriage;hebraggedabouttheCountesswhenhegothome,inawaywhichhisownfathercouldnothavesurpassed.
Hecalledupontheladiesthenextday;herodebytheirsideinthePark;heaskedtheirpartytoagreatdinneratarestaurateur’s,andwasquitewildwithexultationwhentheyagreedtocome.
OldBareacres,whohadnotmuchprideandalargeappetite,wouldgoforadinneranywhere.
“Ihopetherewillbenowomenbesidesourownparty,”LadyBareacressaid,afterreflectingupontheinvitationwhichhadbeenmade,andacceptedwithtoomuchprecipitancy.
“GraciousHeaven,Mamma—youdon’tsupposethemanwouldbringhiswife,”shriekedLadyBlanche,whohadbeenlanguishinginGeorge’sarmsinthenewlyimportedwaltzforhoursthenightbefore.
“Themenarebearable,buttheirwomen—”
“Wife,justmarried,dev’lishprettywoman,Ihear,”theoldEarlsaid.
“Well,mydearBlanche,”saidthemother,“Isuppose,asPapawantstogo,wemustgo;butweneedn’tknowtheminEngland,youknow.”
Andso,determinedtocuttheirnewacquaintanceinBondStreet,thesegreatfolkswenttoeathisdinneratBrussels,andcondescendingtomakehimpayfortheirpleasure,showedtheirdignitybymakinghiswifeuncomfortable,andcarefullyexcludingherfromtheconversation.
Thisisaspeciesofdignityinwhichthehigh-bredBritishfemalereignssupreme.
Towatchthebehaviourofafineladytootherandhumblerwomen,isaverygoodsportforaphilosophicalfrequenterofVanityFair.
Thisfestival,onwhichhonestGeorgespentagreatdealofmoney,wastheverydismallestofalltheentertainmentswhichAmeliahadinherhoneymoon.
Shewrotethemostpiteousaccountsofthefeasthometohermamma:howtheCountessofBareacreswouldnotanswerwhenspokento;howLadyBlanchestaredatherwithhereye-glass;andwhatarageCaptainDobbinwasinattheirbehaviour;andhowmylord,astheycameawayfromthefeast,askedtoseethebill,andpronounceditad—-baddinner,andd—-dear.
ButthoughAmeliatoldallthesestories,andwrotehomeregardingherguests’rudeness,andherowndiscomfiture,oldMrs.Sedleywasmightilypleasednevertheless,andtalkedaboutEmmy’sfriend,theCountessofBareacres,withsuchassiduitythatthenewshowhissonwasentertainingpeersandpeeressesactuallycametoOsborne’searsintheCity.
ThosewhoknowthepresentLieutenant-GeneralSirGeorgeTufto,K.C.B.,andhaveseenhim,astheymayonmostdaysintheseason,paddedandinstays,struttingdownPallMallwitharicketyswaggeronhishigh-heeledlacqueredboots,leeringunderthebonnetsofpassers-by,orridingashowychestnut,andoglingbroughamsintheParks—thosewhoknowthepresentSirGeorgeTuftowouldhardlyrecognisethedaringPeninsularandWaterlooofficer.
Hehasthickcurlingbrownhairandblackeyebrowsnow,andhiswhiskersareofthedeepestpurple.
Hewaslight-hairedandbaldin1815,andstouterinthepersonandinthelimbs,whichespeciallyhaveshrunkverymuchoflate.
Whenhewasaboutseventyyearsofage(heisnownearlyeighty),hishair,whichwasveryscarceandquitewhite,suddenlygrewthick,andbrown,andcurly,andhiswhiskersandeyebrowstooktheirpresentcolour.
Ill-naturedpeoplesaythathischestisallwool,andthathishair,becauseitnevergrows,isawig.
TomTufto,withwhosefatherhequarrelledeversomanyyearsago,declaresthatMademoiselledeJaisey,oftheFrenchtheatre,pulledhisgrandpapa’shairoffinthegreen-room;butTomisnotoriouslyspitefulandjealous;andtheGeneral’swighasnothingtodowithourstory.
Oneday,assomeofourfriendsofthe—thweresaunteringintheflower-marketofBrussels,havingbeentoseetheHoteldeVille,whichMrs.MajorO’Dowddeclaredwasnotnearsolargeorhandsomeasherfawther’smansionofGlenmalony,anofficerofrank,withanorderlybehindhim,rodeuptothemarket,anddescendingfromhishorse,cameamongsttheflowers,andselectedtheveryfinestbouquetwhichmoneycouldbuy.
Thebeautifulbundlebeingtiedupinapaper,theofficerremounted,givingthenosegayintothechargeofhismilitarygroom,whocarrieditwithagrin,followinghischief,whorodeawayingreatstateandself-satisfaction.
“YoushouldseetheflowersatGlenmalony,”Mrs.O’Dowdwasremarking.
“MefawtherhasthreeScotchgarnerswithninehelpers.
Wehaveanacreofhot-houses,andpinesascommonaspaysinthesayson.
Ourgreepsweighssixpoundseverybunchof‘em,anduponmehonourandconscienceIthinkourmagnoliasisasbigastaykettles.”
Dobbin,whoneverusedto“drawout”Mrs.O’DowdasthatwickedOsbornedelightedindoing(muchtoAmelia’sterror,whoimploredhimtospareher),fellbackinthecrowd,crowingandsputteringuntilhereachedasafedistance,whenheexplodedamongsttheastonishedmarket-peoplewithshrieksofyellinglaughter.
“Hwhat’sthatgawkygugglingabout?”saidMrs.O’Dowd.“Isithisnosebleedn?
Healwaysusedtosay‘twashisnosebleedn,tillhemusthavepompedallthebloodoutof‘um.
An’tthemagnoliasatGlenmalonyasbigastaykettles,O’Dowd?”
”’Deedthentheyare,andbigger,Peggy,”theMajorsaid.Whentheconversationwasinterruptedinthemannerstatedbythearrivaloftheofficerwhopurchasedthebouquet.
“Devlishfinehorse—whoisit?”Georgeasked.
“YoushouldseemebrotherMolloyMalony’shorse,Molasses,thatwonthecopattheCurragh,”theMajor’swifewasexclaiming,andwascontinuingthefamilyhistory,whenherhusbandinterruptedherbysaying—
“It’sGeneralTufto,whocommandsthe——cavalrydivision”;addingquietly,“heandIwerebothshotinthesamelegatTalavera.”
“Whereyougotyourstep,”saidGeorgewithalaugh.“GeneralTufto!Then,mydear,theCrawleysarecome.”
Amelia’sheartfell—sheknewnotwhy.Thesundidnotseemtoshinesobright.
Thetalloldroofsandgableslookedlesspicturesqueallofasudden,thoughitwasabrilliantsunset,andoneofthebrightestandmostbeautifuldaysattheendofMay.
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