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IfthereisanyexhibitioninallVanityFairwhichSatireandSentimentcanvisitarminarmtogether;whereyoulightonthestrangestcontrastslaughableandtearful:whereyoumaybegentleandpathetic,orsavageandcynicalwithperfectpropriety:itisatoneofthosepublicassemblies,acrowdofwhichareadvertisedeverydayinthelastpageoftheTimesnewspaper,andoverwhichthelateMr.GeorgeRobinsusedtopresidewithsomuchdignity.
ThereareveryfewLondonpeople,asIfancy,whohavenotattendedatthesemeetings,andallwithatasteformoralizingmusthavethought,withasensationandinterestnotalittlestartlingandqueer,ofthedaywhentheirturnshallcometoo,andMr.HammerdownwillsellbytheordersofDiogenes’assignees,orwillbeinstructedbytheexecutors,tooffertopubliccompetition,thelibrary,furniture,plate,wardrobe,andchoicecellarofwinesofEpicurusdeceased.
Evenwiththemostselfishdisposition,theVanityFairian,ashewitnessesthissordidpartoftheobsequiesofadepartedfriend,can’tbutfeelsomesympathiesandregret.
MyLordDives’sremainsareinthefamilyvault:thestatuariesarecuttinganinscriptionveraciouslycommemoratinghisvirtues,andthesorrowsofhisheir,whoisdisposingofhisgoods.
WhatguestatDives’stablecanpassthefamiliarhousewithoutasigh?
—thefamiliarhouseofwhichthelightsusedtoshinesocheerfullyatseveno’clock,ofwhichthehall-doorsopenedsoreadily,ofwhichtheobsequiousservants,asyoupassedupthecomfortablestair,soundedyournamefromlandingtolanding,untilitreachedtheapartmentwherejollyoldDiveswelcomedhisfriends!
Whatanumberofthemhehad;andwhatanoblewayofentertainingthem.
Howwittypeopleusedtobeherewhoweremorosewhentheygotoutofthedoor;andhowcourteousandfriendlymenwhoslanderedandhatedeachothereverywhereelse!
Hewaspompous,butwithsuchacookwhatwouldonenotswallow?
hewasratherdull,perhaps,butwouldnotsuchwinemakeanyconversationpleasant?
WemustgetsomeofhisBurgundyatanyprice,themournerscryathisclub.
“IgotthisboxatoldDives’ssale,”Pinchersays,handingitround,“oneofLouisXV’smistresses—prettything,isitnot?
—sweetminiature,”andtheytalkofthewayinwhichyoungDivesisdissipatinghisfortune.
Howchangedthehouseis,though!Thefrontispatchedoverwithbills,settingforththeparticularsofthefurnitureinstaringcapitals.
Theyhavehungashredofcarpetoutofanupstairswindow—ahalfdozenofportersareloungingonthedirtysteps—thehallswarmswithdingyguestsoforientalcountenance,whothrustprintedcardsintoyourhand,andoffertobid.
Oldwomenandamateurshaveinvadedtheupperapartments,pinchingthebed-curtains,pokingintothefeathers,shampooingthemattresses,andclappingthewardrobedrawerstoandfro.
Enterprisingyounghousekeepersaremeasuringthelooking-glassesandhangingstoseeiftheywillsuitthenewmenage(SnobwillbragforyearsthathehaspurchasedthisorthatatDives’ssale),andMr.Hammerdownissittingonthegreatmahoganydining-tables,inthedining-roombelow,wavingtheivoryhammer,andemployingalltheartificesofeloquence,enthusiasm,entreaty,reason,despair;shoutingtohispeople;satirizingMr.Davidsforhissluggishness;inspiritingMr.Mossintoaction;imploring,commanding,bellowing,untildowncomesthehammerlikefate,andwepasstothenextlot.
ODives,whowouldeverhavethought,aswesatroundthebroadtablesparklingwithplateandspotlesslinen,tohaveseensuchadishattheheadofitasthatroaringauctioneer?
Itwasratherlateinthesale.Theexcellentdrawing-roomfurniturebythebestmakers;therareandfamouswinesselected,regardlessofcost,andwiththewell-knowntasteofthepurchaser;therichandcompletesetoffamilyplatehadbeensoldonthepreviousdays.
Certainofthebestwines(whichallhadagreatcharacteramongamateursintheneighbourhood)hadbeenpurchasedforhismaster,whoknewthemverywell,bythebutlerofourfriendJohnOsborne,Esquire,ofRussellSquare.
AsmallportionofthemostusefularticlesoftheplatehadbeenboughtbysomeyoungstockbrokersfromtheCity.
Andnowthepublicbeinginvitedtothepurchaseofminorobjects,ithappenedthattheoratoronthetablewasexpatiatingonthemeritsofapicture,whichhesoughttorecommendtohisaudience:itwasbynomeanssoselectornumerousacompanyashadattendedthepreviousdaysoftheauction.
“No.369,”roaredMr.Hammerdown.“Portraitofagentlemanonanelephant.
Who’llbidforthegentlemanontheelephant?
Liftupthepicture,Blowman,andletthecompanyexaminethislot.”
Along,pale,military-lookinggentleman,seateddemurelyatthemahoganytable,couldnothelpgrinningasthisvaluablelotwasshownbyMr.Blowman.
“TurntheelephanttotheCaptain,Blowman.
Whatshallwesay,sir,fortheelephant?”
buttheCaptain,blushinginaveryhurriedanddiscomfitedmanner,turnedawayhishead.
“Shallwesaytwentyguineasforthisworkofart?—fifteen,five,nameyourownprice.Thegentlemanwithouttheelephantisworthfivepound.”
“Iwonderitain’tcomedownwithhim,”saidaprofessionalwag,“he’sanyhowapreciousbigone”;atwhich(fortheelephant-riderwasrepresentedasofaverystoutfigure)therewasageneralgiggleintheroom.
“Don’tbetryingtodeprecatethevalueofthelot,Mr.Moss,”Mr.Hammerdownsaid;“letthecompanyexamineitasaworkofart—theattitudeofthegallantanimalquiteaccordingtonatur’;thegentlemaninanankeenjacket,hisguninhishand,isgoingtothechase;inthedistanceabanyhanntreeandapagody,mostlikelyresemblancesofsomeinterestingspotinourfamousEasternpossessions.
Howmuchforthislot?
Come,gentlemen,don’tkeepmehereallday.”
Someonebidfiveshillings,atwhichthemilitarygentlemanlookedtowardsthequarterfromwhichthissplendidofferhadcome,andtheresawanotherofficerwithayoungladyonhisarm,whobothappearedtobehighlyamusedwiththescene,andtowhom,finally,thislotwasknockeddownforhalfaguinea.
Heatthetablelookedmoresurprisedanddiscomposedthaneverwhenhespiedthispair,andhisheadsankintohismilitarycollar,andheturnedhisbackuponthem,soastoavoidthemaltogether.
OfalltheotherarticleswhichMr.Hammerdownhadthehonourtoofferforpubliccompetitionthatdayitisnotourpurposetomakemention,saveofoneonly,alittlesquarepiano,whichcamedownfromtheupperregionsofthehouse(thestategrandpianohavingbeendisposedofpreviously);thistheyoungladytriedwitharapidandskilfulhand(makingtheofficerblushandstartagain),andforit,whenitsturncame,heragentbegantobid.
Buttherewasanoppositionhere.TheHebrewaide-de-campintheserviceoftheofficeratthetablebidagainsttheHebrewgentlemanemployedbytheelephantpurchasers,andabriskbattleensuedoverthislittlepiano,thecombatantsbeinggreatlyencouragedbyMr.Hammerdown.
Atlast,whenthecompetitionhadbeenprolongedforsometime,theelephantcaptainandladydesistedfromtherace;andthehammercomingdown,theauctioneersaid:—”Mr.Lewis,twenty-five,”andMr.Lewis’schiefthusbecametheproprietorofthelittlesquarepiano.
Havingeffectedthepurchase,hesateupasifhewasgreatlyrelieved,andtheunsuccessfulcompetitorscatchingaglimpseofhimatthismoment,theladysaidtoherfriend,
“Why,Rawdon,it’sCaptainDobbin.”
IsupposeBeckywasdiscontentedwiththenewpianoherhusbandhadhiredforher,orperhapstheproprietorsofthatinstrumenthadfetcheditaway,decliningfarthercredit,orperhapsshehadaparticularattachmentfortheonewhichshehadjusttriedtopurchase,recollectingitinolddays,whensheusedtoplayuponit,inthelittlesitting-roomofourdearAmeliaSedley.
ThesalewasattheoldhouseinRussellSquare,wherewepassedsomeeveningstogetheratthebeginningofthisstory.GoodoldJohnSedleywasaruinedman.
HisnamehadbeenproclaimedasadefaulterontheStockExchange,andhisbankruptcyandcommercialexterminationhadfollowed.
Mr.Osborne’sbutlercametobuysomeofthefamousportwinetotransfertothecellarsovertheway.
Asforonedozenwell-manufacturedsilverspoonsandforksatperoz.,andonedozendessertdittoditto,therewerethreeyoungstockbrokers(Messrs.Dale,Spiggot,andDale,ofThreadneedleStreet,indeed),who,havinghaddealingswiththeoldman,andkindnessesfromhimindayswhenhewaskindtoeverybodywithwhomhedealt,sentthislittlesparoutofthewreckwiththeirlovetogoodMrs.Sedley;andwithrespecttothepiano,asithadbeenAmelia’s,andasshemightmissitandwantonenow,andasCaptainWilliamDobbincouldnomoreplayuponitthanhecoulddanceonthetightrope,itisprobablethathedidnotpurchasetheinstrumentforhisownuse.
Inaword,itarrivedthateveningatawonderfulsmallcottageinastreetleadingfromtheFulhamRoad—oneofthosestreetswhichhavethefinestromanticnames—(thiswascalledSt.AdelaideVillas,Anna-MariaRoadWest),wherethehouseslooklikebaby-houses;wherethepeople,lookingoutofthefirst-floorwindows,mustinfallibly,asyouthink,sitwiththeirfeetintheparlours;wheretheshrubsinthelittlegardensinfrontbloomwithaperennialdisplayoflittlechildren’spinafores,littleredsocks,caps,&c.(polyandriapolygynia);whenceyouhearthesoundofjinglingspinetsandwomensinging;wherelittleporterpotshangontherailingssunningthemselves;whitherofeveningsyouseeCityclerkspaddingwearily:hereitwasthatMr.Clapp,theclerkofMr.Sedley,hadhisdomicile,andinthisasylumthegoodoldgentlemanhidhisheadwithhiswifeanddaughterwhenthecrashcame.
JosSedleyhadactedasamanofhisdispositionwould,whentheannouncementofthefamilymisfortunereachedhim.
HedidnotcometoLondon,buthewrotetohismothertodrawuponhisagentsforwhatevermoneywaswanted,sothathiskindbroken-spiritedoldparentshadnopresentpovertytofear.
Thisdone,Joswentonattheboarding-houseatCheltenhamprettymuchasbefore.
Hedrovehiscurricle;hedrankhisclaret;heplayedhisrubber;hetoldhisIndianstories,andtheIrishwidowconsoledandflatteredhimasusual.
Hispresentofmoney,needfulasitwas,madelittleimpressiononhisparents;andIhaveheardAmeliasaythatthefirstdayonwhichshesawherfatherliftuphisheadafterthefailurewasonthereceiptofthepacketofforksandspoonswiththeyoungstockbrokers’love,overwhichheburstoutcryinglikeachild,beinggreatlymoreaffectedthanevenhiswife,towhomthepresentwasaddressed.
EdwardDale,thejuniorofthehouse,whopurchasedthespoonsforthefirm,was,infact,verysweetuponAmelia,andofferedforherinspiteofall.
HemarriedMissLouisaCutts(daughterofHighamandCutts,theeminentcornfactors)withahandsomefortunein1820;andisnowlivinginsplendour,andwithanumerousfamily,athiselegantvilla,MuswellHill.
Butwemustnotlettherecollectionsofthisgoodfellowcauseustodivergefromtheprincipalhistory.
IhopethereaderhasmuchtoogoodanopinionofCaptainandMrs.CrawleytosupposethattheyeverwouldhavedreamedofpayingavisittosoremoteadistrictasBloomsbury,iftheythoughtthefamilywhomtheyproposedtohonourwithavisitwerenotmerelyoutoffashion,butoutofmoney,andcouldbeserviceabletotheminnopossiblemanner.
Rebeccawasentirelysurprisedatthesightofthecomfortableoldhousewhereshehadmetwithnosmallkindness,ransackedbybrokersandbargainers,anditsquietfamilytreasuresgivenuptopublicdesecrationandplunder.
Amonthafterherflight,shehadbethoughtherofAmelia,andRawdon,withahorse-laugh,hadexpressedaperfectwillingnesstoseeyoungGeorgeOsborneagain.
“He’saveryagreeableacquaintance,Beck,”thewagadded.
“I’dliketosellhimanotherhorse,Beck.
I’dliketoplayafewmoregamesatbilliardswithhim.
He’dbewhatIcallusefuljustnow,Mrs.C.—ha,ha!”
bywhichsortofspeechitisnottobesupposedthatRawdonCrawleyhadadeliberatedesiretocheatMr.Osborneatplay,butonlywishedtotakethatfairadvantageofhimwhichalmosteverysportinggentlemaninVanityFairconsiderstobehisduefromhisneighbour.
Theoldauntwaslongin“coming-to.”Amonthhadelapsed.
RawdonwasdeniedthedoorbyMr.Bowls;hisservantscouldnotgetalodgmentinthehouseatParkLane;hislettersweresentbackunopened.
MissCrawleyneverstirredout—shewasunwell—andMrs.Buteremainedstillandneverlefther.
CrawleyandhiswifebothofthemauguredevilfromthecontinuedpresenceofMrs.Bute.
“Gad,IbegintoperceivenowwhyshewasalwaysbringingustogetheratQueen’sCrawley,”Rawdonsaid.
“Whatanartfullittlewoman!”ejaculatedRebecca.
“Well,Idon’tregretit,ifyoudon’t,”theCaptaincried,stillinanamorousrapturewithhiswife,whorewardedhimwithakissbywayofreply,andwasindeednotalittlegratifiedbythegenerousconfidenceofherhusband.
“Ifhehadbutalittlemorebrains,”shethoughttoherself,“Imightmakesomethingofhim”;butsheneverlethimperceivetheopinionshehadofhim;listenedwithindefatigablecomplacencytohisstoriesofthestableandthemess;laughedatallhisjokes;feltthegreatestinterestinJackSpatterdash,whosecab-horsehadcomedown,andBobMartingale,whohadbeentakenupinagambling-house,andTomCinqbars,whowasgoingtoridethesteeplechase.
Whenhecamehomeshewasalertandhappy:whenhewentoutshepressedhimtogo:whenhestayedathome,sheplayedandsangforhim,madehimgooddrinks,superintendedhisdinner,warmedhisslippers,andsteepedhissoulincomfort.
Thebestofwomen(Ihaveheardmygrandmothersay)arehypocrites.
Wedon’tknowhowmuchtheyhidefromus:howwatchfultheyarewhentheyseemmostartlessandconfidential:howoftenthosefranksmileswhichtheywearsoeasily,aretrapstocajoleoreludeordisarm—Idon’tmeaninyourmerecoquettes,butyourdomesticmodels,andparagonsoffemalevirtue.
Whohasnotseenawomanhidethedulnessofastupidhusband,orcoaxthefuryofasavageone?
Weacceptthisamiableslavishness,andpraiseawomanforit:wecallthisprettytreacherytruth.
Agoodhousewifeisofnecessityahumbug;andCornelia’shusbandwashoodwinked,asPotipharwas—onlyinadifferentway.
Bytheseattentions,thatveteranrake,RawdonCrawley,foundhimselfconvertedintoaveryhappyandsubmissivemarriedman.Hisformerhauntsknewhimnot.
Theyaskedabouthimonceortwiceathisclubs,butdidnotmisshimmuch:inthoseboothsofVanityFairpeopleseldomdomisseachother.
Hissecludedwifeeversmilingandcheerful,hislittlecomfortablelodgings,snugmeals,andhomelyevenings,hadallthecharmsofnoveltyandsecrecy.
Themarriagewasnotyetdeclaredtotheworld,orpublishedintheMorningPost.
Allhiscreditorswouldhavecomerushingonhiminabody,hadtheyknownthathewasunitedtoawomanwithoutfortune.
“Myrelationswon’tcryfieuponme,”Beckysaid,withratherabitterlaugh;andshewasquitecontentedtowaituntiltheoldauntshouldbereconciled,beforesheclaimedherplaceinsociety.
SoshelivedatBrompton,andmeanwhilesawnoone,oronlythosefewofherhusband’smalecompanionswhowereadmittedintoherlittledining-room.Thesewereallcharmedwithher.
Thelittledinners,thelaughingandchatting,themusicafterwards,delightedallwhoparticipatedintheseenjoyments.
MajorMartingaleneverthoughtaboutaskingtoseethemarriagelicence,CaptainCinqbarswasperfectlyenchantedwithherskillinmakingpunch.
AndyoungLieutenantSpatterdash(whowasfondofpiquet,andwhomCrawleywouldofteninvite)wasevidentlyandquicklysmittenbyMrs.Crawley;butherowncircumspectionandmodestyneverforsookherforamoment,andCrawley’sreputationasafire-eatingandjealouswarriorwasafurtherandcompletedefencetohislittlewife.
Therearegentlemenofverygoodbloodandfashioninthiscity,whoneverhaveenteredalady’sdrawing-room;sothatthoughRawdonCrawley’smarriagemightbetalkedaboutinhiscounty,where,ofcourse,Mrs.Butehadspreadthenews,inLondonitwasdoubted,ornotheeded,ornottalkedaboutatall.Helivedcomfortablyoncredit.
Hehadalargecapitalofdebts,whichlaidoutjudiciously,willcarryamanalongformanyyears,andonwhichcertainmenabouttowncontrivetoliveahundredtimesbetterthanevenmenwithreadymoneycando.
IndeedwhoistherethatwalksLondonstreets,butcanpointoutahalf-dozenofmenridingbyhimsplendidly,whileheisonfoot,courtedbyfashion,bowedintotheircarriagesbytradesmen,denyingthemselvesnothing,andlivingonwhoknowswhat?
WeseeJackThriftlessprancinginthepark,ordartinginhisbroughamdownPallMall:weeathisdinnersservedonhismiraculousplate.
“Howdidthisbegin,”wesay,“orwherewillitend?”
“Mydearfellow,”IheardJackoncesay,“IowemoneyineverycapitalinEurope.”
Theendmustcomesomeday,butinthemeantimeJackthrivesasmuchasever;peoplearegladenoughtoshakehimbythehand,ignorethelittledarkstoriesthatarewhisperedeverynowandthenagainsthim,andpronouncehimagood-natured,jovial,recklessfellow.
TruthobligesustoconfessthatRebeccahadmarriedagentlemanofthisorder.
Everythingwasplentifulinhishousebutreadymoney,ofwhichtheirmenageprettyearlyfeltthewant;andreadingtheGazetteoneday,andcomingupontheannouncementof“LieutenantG.OsbornetobeCaptainbypurchase,viceSmith,whoexchanges,”RawdonutteredthatsentimentregardingAmelia’slover,whichendedinthevisittoRussellSquare.
WhenRawdonandhiswifewishedtocommunicatewithCaptainDobbinatthesale,andtoknowparticularsofthecatastrophewhichhadbefallenRebecca’soldacquaintances,theCaptainhadvanished;andsuchinformationastheygotwasfromastrayporterorbrokerattheauction.
“Lookatthemwiththeirhookedbeaks,”Beckysaid,gettingintothebuggy,herpictureunderherarm,ingreatglee.“They’relikevulturesafterabattle.”
“Don’tknow.Neverwasinaction,mydear.AskMartingale;hewasinSpain,aide-de-camptoGeneralBlazes.”
“Hewasaverykindoldman,Mr.Sedley,”Rebeccasaid;“I’mreallysorryhe’sgonewrong.”
“Ostockbrokers—bankrupts—usedtoit,youknow,”Rawdonreplied,cuttingaflyoffthehorse’sear.
“Iwishwecouldhaveaffordedsomeoftheplate,Rawdon,”thewifecontinuedsentimentally.
“Five-and-twentyguineaswasmonstrouslydearforthatlittlepiano.
WechoseitatBroadwood’sforAmelia,whenshecamefromschool.Itonlycostfive-and-thirtythen.”
“What-d’-ye-call’em—’Osborne,’willcryoffnow,Isuppose,sincethefamilyissmashed.Howcutupyourprettylittlefriendwillbe;hey,Becky?”
“Idaresayshe’llrecoverit,”Beckysaidwithasmile—andtheydroveonandtalkedaboutsomethingelse.
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