“Sheisfadeandinsipid,”andaddssomemorekindremarksinthisstrain,whichIshouldneverhaverepeatedatall,butthattheyareintruthprodigiouslycomplimentarytotheyoungladywhomtheyconcern.
Hasthebelovedreader,inhisexperienceofsociety,neverheardsimilarremarksbygood-naturedfemalefriends;whoalwayswonderwhatyouCANseeinMissSmiththatissofascinating;orwhatCOULDinduceMajorJonestoproposeforthatsillyinsignificantsimperingMissThompson,whohasnothingbutherwax-dollfacetorecommendher?
thesedearMoralistsask,andhintwiselythatthegiftsofgenius,theaccomplishmentsofthemind,themasteryofMangnall’sQuestions,andaladylikeknowledgeofbotanyandgeology,theknackofmakingpoetry,thepowerofrattlingsonatasintheHerz-manner,andsoforth,arefarmorevaluableendowmentsforafemale,thanthosefugitivecharmswhichafewyearswillinevitablytarnish.
Butthoughvirtueisamuchfinerthing,andthosehaplesscreatureswhosufferunderthemisfortuneofgoodlooksoughttobecontinuallyputinmindofthefatewhichawaitsthem;andthough,verylikely,theheroicfemalecharacterwhichladiesadmireisamoregloriousandbeautifulobjectthanthekind,fresh,smiling,artless,tenderlittledomesticgoddess,whommenareinclinedtoworship—yetthelatterandinferiorsortofwomenmusthavethisconsolation—thatthemendoadmirethemafterall;andthat,inspiteofallourkindfriends’warningsandprotests,wegooninourdesperateerrorandfolly,andshalltotheendofthechapter.
Indeed,formyownpart,thoughIhavebeenrepeatedlytoldbypersonsforwhomIhavethegreatestrespect,thatMissBrownisaninsignificantchit,andMrs.Whitehasnothingbutherpetitminoischiffonne,andMrs.Blackhasnotawordtosayforherself;yetIknowthatIhavehadthemostdelightfulconversationswithMrs.Black(ofcourse,mydearMadam,theyareinviolable):IseeallthemeninaclusterroundMrs.White’schair:alltheyoungfellowsbattlingtodancewithMissBrown;andsoIamtemptedtothinkthattobedespisedbyhersexisaverygreatcomplimenttoawoman.
Forinstance,therewasscarcelyanypointuponwhichtheMissesOsborne,George’ssisters,andtheMesdemoisellesDobbinagreedsowellasintheirestimateofherverytriflingmerits:andtheirwonderthattheirbrotherscouldfindanycharmsinher.
“Wearekindtoher,”theMissesOsbornesaid,apairoffineblack-browedyoungladieswhohadhadthebestofgovernesses,masters,andmilliners;andtheytreatedherwithsuchextremekindnessandcondescension,andpatronisedhersoinsufferably,thatthepoorlittlethingwasinfactperfectlydumbintheirpresence,andtoalloutwardappearanceasstupidastheythoughther.
Theytookhertotheancientconcertsbywayofatreat,andtotheoratorio,andtoSt.Paul’stoseethecharitychildren,whereinsuchterrorwassheofherfriends,shealmostdidnotdarebeaffectedbythehymnthechildrensang.
Theirhousewascomfortable;theirpapa’stablerichandhandsome;theirsocietysolemnandgenteel;theirself-respectprodigious;theyhadthebestpewattheFoundling:alltheirhabitswerepompousandorderly,andalltheiramusementsintolerablydullanddecorous.
MissOsborneandMissMariaOsborne,andMissWirt,thevestalgoverness,askedeachotherwithincreasedwonder,“WhatcouldGeorgefindinthatcreature?”
HowisitthatAmelia,whohadsuchanumberoffriendsatschool,andwassobelovedthere,comesoutintotheworldandisspurnedbyherdiscriminatingsex?
Mydearsir,therewerenomenatMissPinkerton’sestablishmentexcepttheolddancing-master;andyouwouldnothavehadthegirlsfalloutaboutHIM?
WhenGeorge,theirhandsomebrother,ranoffdirectlyafterbreakfast,anddinedfromhomehalf-a-dozentimesaweek,nowondertheneglectedsistersfeltalittlevexation.
WhenyoungBullock(ofthefirmofHulker,Bullock&Co.,Bankers,LombardStreet),whohadbeenmakinguptoMissMariathelasttwoseasons,actuallyaskedAmeliatodancethecotillon,couldyouexpectthattheformeryoungladyshouldbepleased?
“She’sengagedtomybrotherGeorge;there’snotmuchinher,butshe’sthebest-naturedandmostunaffectedyoungcreature:athomewe’reallsofondofher.”Deargirl!
MissWirtandthesetwoaffectionateyoungwomensoearnestlyandfrequentlyimpresseduponGeorgeOsborne’smindtheenormityofthesacrificehewasmaking,andhisromanticgenerosityinthrowinghimselfawayuponAmelia,thatI’mnotsurebutthathereallythoughthewasoneofthemostdeservingcharactersintheBritisharmy,andgavehimselfuptobelovedwithagooddealofeasyresignation.
Somehow,althoughhelefthomeeverymorning,aswasstated,anddinedabroadsixdaysintheweek,whenhissistersbelievedtheinfatuatedyouthtobeatMissSedley’sapron-strings:hewasNOTalwayswithAmelia,whilsttheworldsupposedhimatherfeet.
Certainitisthatonmoreoccasionsthanone,whenCaptainDobbincalledtolookforhisfriend,MissOsborne(whowasveryattentivetotheCaptain,andanxioustohearhismilitarystories,andtoknowaboutthehealthofhisdearMamma),wouldlaughinglypointtotheoppositesideofthesquare,andsay,“Oh,youmustgototheSedleys’toaskforGeorge;WEneverseehimfrommorningtillnight.”
AtwhichkindofspeechtheCaptainwouldlaughinratheranabsurdconstrainedmanner,andturnofftheconversation,likeaconsummatemanoftheworld,tosometopicofgeneralinterest,suchastheOpera,thePrince’slastballatCarltonHouse,ortheweather—thatblessingtosociety.
“Whataninnocentitis,thatpetofyours,”MissMariawouldthensaytoMissJane,upontheCaptain’sdeparture.“DidyouseehowheblushedatthementionofpoorGeorgeonduty?”
“Modesty!Awkwardnessyoumean,Jane.Idon’twantFredericktotrampleaholeinmymuslinfrock,asCaptainDobbindidinyoursatMrs.Perkins’.”
Thefactis,whenCaptainDobbinblushedso,andlookedsoawkward,herememberedacircumstanceofwhichhedidnotthinkitwasnecessarytoinformtheyoungladies,viz.,thathehadbeencallingatMr.Sedley’shousealready,onthepretenceofseeingGeorge,ofcourse,andGeorgewasn’tthere,onlypoorlittleAmelia,withratherasadwistfulface,seatednearthedrawing-roomwindow,who,aftersomeverytriflingstupidtalk,venturedtoask,wasthereanytruthinthereportthattheregimentwassoontobeorderedabroad;andhadCaptainDobbinseenMr.Osbornethatday?
Soshegavehimherhandkindlyandgratefully:andhecrossedthesquare;andshewaitedandwaited,butGeorgenevercame.
IbelieveGeorgewasplayingbilliardswithCaptainCannoninSwallowStreetatthetimewhenAmeliawasaskingCaptainDobbinabouthim;forGeorgewasajollysociablefellow,andexcellentinallgamesofskill.
Once,afterthreedaysofabsence,MissAmeliaputonherbonnet,andactuallyinvadedtheOsbornehouse.“What!leaveourbrothertocometous?”saidtheyoungladies.“Haveyouhadaquarrel,Amelia?Dotellus!”No,indeed,therehadbeennoquarrel.“Whocouldquarrelwithhim?”
Andthisdayshewassoperfectlystupidandawkward,thattheMissesOsborneandtheirgoverness,whostaredafterherasshewentsadlyaway,wonderedmorethaneverwhatGeorgecouldseeinpoorlittleAmelia.
Ofcoursetheydid.Howwasshetobarethattimidlittleheartfortheinspectionofthoseyoungladieswiththeirboldblackeyes?
IknowtheMissesOsbornewereexcellentcriticsofaCashmereshawl,orapinksatinslip;andwhenMissTurnerhadhersdyedpurple,andmadeintoaspencer;andwhenMissPickfordhadhererminetippettwistedintoamuffandtrimmings,Iwarrantyouthechangesdidnotescapethetwointelligentyoungwomenbeforementioned.
Buttherearethings,lookyou,ofafinertexturethanfurorsatin,andallSolomon’sglories,andallthewardrobeoftheQueenofSheba—thingswhereofthebeautyescapestheeyesofmanyconnoisseurs.
Andtherearesweetmodestlittlesoulsonwhichyoulight,fragrantandbloomingtenderlyinquietshadyplaces;andtherearegarden-ornaments,asbigasbrasswarming-pans,thatarefittostarethesunitselfoutofcountenance.
MissSedleywasnotofthesunflowersort;andIsayitisoutoftherulesofallproportiontodrawavioletofthesizeofadoubledahlia.
No,indeed;thelifeofagoodyounggirlwhoisinthepaternalnestasyet,can’thavemanyofthosethrillingincidentstowhichtheheroineofromancecommonlylaysclaim.
Snaresorshotmaytakeofftheoldbirdsforagingwithout—hawksmaybeabroad,fromwhichtheyescapeorbywhomtheysuffer;buttheyoungonesinthenesthaveaprettycomfortableunromanticsortofexistenceinthedownandthestraw,tillitcomestotheirturn,too,togetonthewing.
WhileBeckySharpwasonherownwinginthecountry,hoppingonallsortsoftwigs,andamidamultiplicityoftraps,andpeckingupherfoodquiteharmlessandsuccessful,AmelialaysnuginherhomeofRussellSquare;ifshewentintotheworld,itwasundertheguidanceoftheelders;nordiditseemthatanyevilcouldbefallherorthatopulentcheerycomfortablehomeinwhichshewasaffectionatelysheltered.
Mammahadhermorningduties,andherdailydrive,andthedelightfulroundofvisitsandshoppingwhichformstheamusement,ortheprofessionasyoumaycallit,oftherichLondonlady.
PapaconductedhismysteriousoperationsintheCity—astirringplaceinthosedays,whenwarwasragingalloverEurope,andempireswerebeingstaked;whenthe“Courier”newspaperhadtensofthousandsofsubscribers;whenonedaybroughtyouabattleofVittoria,anotheraburningofMoscow,oranewsman’shornblowingdownRussellSquareaboutdinner-time,announcedsuchafactas—”BattleofLeipsic—sixhundredthousandmenengaged—totaldefeatoftheFrench—twohundredthousandkilled.”
OldSedleyonceortwicecamehomewithaverygraveface;andnowonder,whensuchnewsasthiswasagitatingalltheheartsandalltheStocksofEurope.
MeanwhilematterswentoninRussellSquare,Bloomsbury,justasifmattersinEuropewerenotintheleastdisorganised.
TheretreatfromLeipsicmadenodifferenceinthenumberofmealsMr.Sambotookintheservants’hall;thealliespouredintoFrance,andthedinner-bellrangatfiveo’clockjustasusual.
Idon’tthinkpoorAmeliacaredanythingaboutBrienneandMontmirail,orwasfairlyinterestedinthewaruntiltheabdicationoftheEmperor;whensheclappedherhandsandsaidprayers—oh,howgrateful!
andflungherselfintoGeorgeOsborne’sarmswithallhersoul,totheastonishmentofeverybodywhowitnessedthatebullitionofsentiment.
Thefactis,peacewasdeclared,Europewasgoingtobeatrest;theCorsicanwasoverthrown,andLieutenantOsborne’sregimentwouldnotbeorderedonservice.
Hewashersunandmoon;andIbelieveshethoughtthegrandilluminationandballattheMansionHouse,giventothesovereigns,wereespeciallyinhonourofGeorgeOsborne.
Wehavetalkedofshift,self,andpoverty,asthosedismalinstructorsunderwhompoorMissBeckySharpgothereducation.
Now,lovewasMissAmeliaSedley’slasttutoress,anditwasamazingwhatprogressouryoungladymadeunderthatpopularteacher.
Inthecourseoffifteenoreighteenmonths’dailyandconstantattentiontothiseminentfinishinggoverness,whatadealofsecretsAmelialearned,whichMissWirtandtheblack-eyedyoungladiesovertheway,whicholdMissPinkertonofChiswickherself,hadnocognizanceof!
MissMariaOsborne,itistrue,was“attached”toMr.FrederickAugustusBullock,ofthefirmofHulker,Bullock&Bullock;butherswasamostrespectableattachment,andshewouldhavetakenBullockSeniorjustthesame,hermindbeingfixed—asthatofawell-bredyoungwomanshouldbe—uponahouseinParkLane,acountryhouseatWimbledon,ahandsomechariot,andtwoprodigioustallhorsesandfootmen,andafourthoftheannualprofitsoftheeminentfirmofHulker&Bullock,allofwhichadvantageswererepresentedinthepersonofFrederickAugustus.
Hadorangeblossomsbeeninventedthen(thosetouchingemblemsoffemalepurityimportedbyusfromFrance,wherepeople’sdaughtersareuniversallysoldinmarriage),MissMaria,Isay,wouldhaveassumedthespotlesswreath,andsteppedintothetravellingcarriagebythesideofgouty,old,bald-headed,bottle-nosedBullockSenior;anddevotedherbeautifulexistencetohishappinesswithperfectmodesty—onlytheoldgentlemanwasmarriedalready;soshebestowedheryoungaffectionsonthejuniorpartner.
TheotherdayIsawMissTrotter(thatwas),arrayedinthem,tripintothetravellingcarriageatSt.George’s,HanoverSquare,andLordMethuselahhobbledinafter.
ThiswasnotthesortoflovethatfinishedAmelia’seducation;andinthecourseofayearturnedagoodyounggirlintoagoodyoungwoman—tobeagoodwifepresently,whenthehappytimeshouldcome.
Thisyoungperson(perhapsitwasveryimprudentinherparentstoencourageher,andabetherinsuchidolatryandsillyromanticideas)loved,withallherheart,theyoungofficerinHisMajesty’sservicewithwhomwehavemadeabriefacquaintance.
Sheneverhadseenamansobeautifulorsoclever:suchafigureonhorseback:suchadancer:suchaheroingeneral.TalkofthePrince’sbow!whatwasittoGeorge’s?
NotamongstallthebeauxattheOpera(andtherewerebeauxinthosedayswithactualoperahats)wasthereanyonetoequalhim.
MissPinkertonwouldhavetriedtocheckthisblinddevotionverylikely,hadshebeenAmelia’sconfidante;butnotwithmuchsuccess,dependuponit.
Somearemadetoscheme,andsometolove;andIwishanyrespectedbachelorthatreadsthismaytakethesortthatbestlikeshim.
Whileunderthisoverpoweringimpression,MissAmelianeglectedhertwelvedearfriendsatChiswickmostcruelly,assuchselfishpeoplecommonlywilldo.
Shehadbutthissubject,ofcourse,tothinkabout;andMissSaltirewastoocoldforaconfidante,andshecouldn’tbringhermindtotellMissSwartz,thewoolly-hairedyoungheiressfromSt.Kitt’s.
ShehadlittleLauraMartinhomefortheholidays;andmybeliefis,shemadeaconfidanteofher,andpromisedthatLaurashouldcomeandlivewithherwhenshewasmarried,andgaveLauraagreatdealofinformationregardingthepassionoflove,whichmusthavebeensingularlyusefulandnoveltothatlittleperson.Alas,alas!
toomuchtoherselfsometimes—notthatsheeverdoubted;for,tobesure,GeorgemustbeattheHorseGuards;andhecan’talwaysgetleavefromChatham;andhemustseehisfriendsandsisters,andmingleinsocietywhenintown(he,suchanornamenttoeverysociety!)
Iknowwhereshekeptthatpacketshehad—andcanstealinandoutofherchamberlikeIachimo—likeIachimo?No—thatisabadpart.
ButifOsborne’swereshortandsoldierlikeletters,itmustbeconfessed,thatwereMissSedley’sletterstoMr.Osbornetobepublished,weshouldhavetoextendthisnoveltosuchamultiplicityofvolumesasnotthemostsentimentalreadercouldsupport;thatshenotonlyfilledsheetsoflargepaper,butcrossedthemwiththemostastonishingperverseness;thatshewrotewholepagesoutofpoetry-bookswithouttheleastpity;thatsheunderlinedwordsandpassageswithquiteafranticemphasis;and,infine,gavetheusualtokensofhercondition.
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