English
SirPittCrawleywasaphilosopherwithatasteforwhatiscalledlowlife.
HisfirstmarriagewiththedaughterofthenobleBinkiehadbeenmadeundertheauspicesofhisparents;andasheoftentoldLadyCrawleyinherlifetimeshewassuchaconfoundedquarrelsomehigh-bredjadethatwhenshediedhewashangedifhewouldevertakeanotherofhersort,atherladyship’sdemisehekepthispromise,andselectedforasecondwifeMissRoseDawson,daughterofMr.JohnThomasDawson,ironmonger,ofMudbury.
WhatahappywomanwasRosetobemyLadyCrawley!
Letussetdowntheitemsofherhappiness.
Inthefirstplace,shegaveupPeterButt,ayoungmanwhokeptcompanywithher,andinconsequenceofhisdisappointmentinlove,tooktosmuggling,poaching,andathousandotherbadcourses.
Thenshequarrelled,asindutybound,withallthefriendsandintimatesofheryouth,who,ofcourse,couldnotbereceivedbymyLadyatQueen’sCrawley—nordidshefindinhernewrankandabodeanypersonswhowerewillingtowelcomeher.Whoeverdid?
SirHuddlestonFuddlestonhadthreedaughterswhoallhopedtobeLadyCrawley.
SirGilesWapshot’sfamilywereinsultedthatoneoftheWapshotgirlshadnotthepreferenceinthemarriage,andtheremainingbaronetsofthecountywereindignantattheircomrade’smisalliance.
Nevermindthecommoners,whomwewillleavetogrumbleanonymously.
SirPittdidnotcare,ashesaid,abrassfardenforanyoneofthem.
HehadhisprettyRose,andwhatmoreneedamanrequirethantopleasehimself?
Soheusedtogetdrunkeverynight:tobeathisprettyRosesometimes:toleaveherinHampshirewhenhewenttoLondonfortheparliamentarysession,withoutasinglefriendinthewideworld.
EvenMrs.ButeCrawley,theRector’swife,refusedtovisither,asshesaidshewouldnevergivethepastoatradesman’sdaughter.
AstheonlyendowmentswithwhichNaturehadgiftedLadyCrawleywerethoseofpinkcheeksandawhiteskin,andasshehadnosortofcharacter,nortalents,noropinions,noroccupations,noramusements,northatvigourofsoulandferocityoftemperwhichoftenfallstothelotofentirelyfoolishwomen,herholduponSirPitt’saffectionswasnotverygreat.
Herrosesfadedoutofhercheeks,andtheprettyfreshnessleftherfigureafterthebirthofacoupleofchildren,andshebecameameremachineinherhusband’shouseofnomoreusethanthelateLadyCrawley’sgrandpiano.
Beingalight-complexionedwoman,sheworelightclothes,asmostblondeswill,andappeared,inpreference,indraggledsea-green,orslatternlysky-blue.
Sheworkedthatworsteddayandnight,orotherpieceslikeit.
ShehadcounterpanesinthecourseofafewyearstoallthebedsinCrawley.
Shehadasmallflower-garden,forwhichshehadratheranaffection;butbeyondthisnootherlikeordisliking.
Whenherhusbandwasrudetohershewasapathetic:wheneverhestruckhershecried.
Shehadnotcharacterenoughtotaketodrinking,andmoanedabout,slipshodandincurl-papersallday.OVanityFair—VanityFair!
Thismighthavebeen,butforyou,acheerylass—PeterButtandRoseahappymanandwife,inasnugfarm,withaheartyfamily;andanhonestportionofpleasures,cares,hopesandstruggles—butatitleandacoachandfouraretoysmorepreciousthanhappinessinVanityFair:andifHarrytheEighthorBluebeardwerealivenow,andwantedatenthwife,doyousupposehecouldnotgettheprettiestgirlthatshallbepresentedthisseason?
Thelanguiddulnessoftheirmammadidnot,asitmaybesupposed,awakenmuchaffectioninherlittledaughters,buttheywereveryhappyintheservants’hallandinthestables;andtheScotchgardenerhavingluckilyagoodwifeandsomegoodchildren,theygotalittlewholesomesocietyandinstructioninhislodge,whichwastheonlyeducationbestoweduponthemuntilMissSharpcame.
HerengagementwasowingtotheremonstrancesofMr.PittCrawley,theonlyfriendorprotectorLadyCrawleyeverhad,andtheonlyperson,besidesherchildren,forwhomsheentertainedalittlefeebleattachment.
Mr.PitttookafterthenobleBinkies,fromwhomhewasdescended,andwasaverypoliteandpropergentleman.
Whenhegrewtoman’sestate,andcamebackfromChristchurch,hebegantoreformtheslackeneddisciplineofthehall,inspiteofhisfather,whostoodinaweofhim.
Hewasamanofsuchrigidrefinement,thathewouldhavestarvedratherthanhavedinedwithoutawhiteneckcloth.
Once,whenjustfromcollege,andwhenHorrocksthebutlerbroughthimaletterwithoutplacingitpreviouslyonatray,hegavethatdomesticalook,andadministeredtohimaspeechsocutting,thatHorrockseveraftertrembledbeforehim;thewholehouseholdbowedtohim:LadyCrawley’scurl-paperscameoffearlierwhenhewasathome:SirPitt’smuddygaitersdisappeared;andifthatincorrigibleoldmanstilladheredtootheroldhabits,heneverfuddledhimselfwithrum-and-waterinhisson’spresence,andonlytalkedtohisservantsinaveryreservedandpolitemanner;andthosepersonsremarkedthatSirPittneversworeatLadyCrawleywhilehissonwasintheroom.
Itwashewhotaughtthebutlertosay,“Myladyisserved,”andwhoinsistedonhandingherladyshipintodinner.
Heseldomspoketoher,butwhenhediditwaswiththemostpowerfulrespect;andheneverletherquittheapartmentwithoutrisinginthemoststatelymannertoopenthedoor,andmakinganelegantbowatheregress.
AtEtonhewascalledMissCrawley;andthere,Iamsorrytosay,hisyoungerbrotherRawdonusedtolickhimviolently.
Butthoughhispartswerenotbrilliant,hemadeupforhislackoftalentbymeritoriousindustry,andwasneverknown,duringeightyearsatschool,tobesubjecttothatpunishmentwhichitisgenerallythoughtnonebutacherubcanescape.
Atcollegehiscareerwasofcoursehighlycreditable.
Andherehepreparedhimselfforpubliclife,intowhichhewastobeintroducedbythepatronageofhisgrandfather,LordBinkie,bystudyingtheancientandmodernoratorswithgreatassiduity,andbyspeakingunceasinglyatthedebatingsocieties.
Butthoughhehadafinefluxofwords,anddeliveredhislittlevoicewithgreatpomposityandpleasuretohimself,andneveradvancedanysentimentoropinionwhichwasnotperfectlytriteandstale,andsupportedbyaLatinquotation;yethefailedsomehow,inspiteofamediocritywhichoughttohaveinsuredanymanasuccess.
Hedidnotevengettheprizepoem,whichallhisfriendssaidhewassureof.
AfterleavingcollegehebecamePrivateSecretarytoLordBinkie,andwasthenappointedAttachetotheLegationatPumpernickel,whichposthefilledwithperfecthonour,andbroughthomedespatches,consistingofStrasburgpie,totheForeignMinisteroftheday.
AfterremainingtenyearsAttache(severalyearsafterthelamentedLordBinkie’sdemise),andfindingtheadvancementslow,heatlengthgaveupthediplomaticserviceinsomedisgust,andbegantoturncountrygentleman.
HewroteapamphletonMaltonreturningtoEngland(forhewasanambitiousman,andalwayslikedtobebeforethepublic),andtookastrongpartintheNegroEmancipationquestion.
ThenhebecameafriendofMr.Wilberforce’s,whosepoliticsheadmired,andhadthatfamouscorrespondencewiththeReverendSilasHornblower,ontheAshanteeMission.
HewasinLondon,ifnotfortheParliamentsession,atleastinMay,forthereligiousmeetings.
Inthecountryhewasamagistrate,andanactivevisitorandspeakeramongthosedestituteofreligiousinstruction.
HewassaidtobepayinghisaddressestoLadyJaneSheepshanks,LordSouthdown’sthirddaughter,andwhosesister,LadyEmily,wrotethosesweettracts,“TheSailor’sTrueBinnacle,”and“TheApplewomanofFinchleyCommon.”
MissSharp’saccountsofhisemploymentatQueen’sCrawleywerenotcaricatures.
Hesubjectedtheservantstheretothedevotionalexercisesbeforementioned,inwhich(andsomuchthebetter)hebroughthisfathertojoin.
HepatronisedanIndependentmeeting-houseinCrawleyparish,muchtotheindignationofhisuncletheRector,andtotheconsequentdelightofSirPitt,whowasinducedtogohimselfonceortwice,whichoccasionedsomeviolentsermonsatCrawleyparishchurch,directedpoint-blankattheBaronet’soldGothicpewthere.
HonestSirPitt,however,didnotfeeltheforceofthesediscourses,ashealwaystookhisnapduringsermon-time.
Mr.Crawleywasveryearnest,forthegoodofthenationandoftheChristianworld,thattheoldgentlemanshouldyieldhimuphisplaceinParliament;butthistheelderconstantlyrefusedtodo.
Bothwereofcoursetooprudenttogiveupthefifteenhundredayearwhichwasbroughtinbythesecondseat(atthisperiodfilledbyMr.Quadroon,withcarteblancheontheSlavequestion);indeedthefamilyestatewasmuchembarrassed,andtheincomedrawnfromtheboroughwasofgreatusetothehouseofQueen’sCrawley.
IthadneverrecoveredtheheavyfineimposeduponWalpoleCrawley,firstbaronet,forpeculationintheTapeandSealingWaxOffice.
SirWalpolewasajollyfellow,eagertoseizeandtospendmoney(alieniappetens,suiprofusus,asMr.Crawleywouldremarkwithasigh),andinhisdaybelovedbyallthecountyfortheconstantdrunkennessandhospitalitywhichwasmaintainedatQueen’sCrawley.
Thecellarswerefilledwithburgundythen,thekennelswithhounds,andthestableswithgallanthunters;now,suchhorsesasQueen’sCrawleypossessedwenttoplough,orranintheTrafalgarCoach;anditwaswithateamoftheseveryhorses,onanoff-day,thatMissSharpwasbroughttotheHall;forboorashewas,SirPittwasasticklerforhisdignitywhileathome,andseldomdroveoutbutwithfourhorses,andthoughhedinedoffboiledmutton,hadalwaysthreefootmentoserveit.
Ifmereparsimonycouldhavemadeamanrich,SirPittCrawleymighthavebecomeverywealthy—ifhehadbeenanattorneyinacountrytown,withnocapitalbuthisbrains,itisverypossiblethathewouldhaveturnedthemtogoodaccount,andmighthaveachievedforhimselfaveryconsiderableinfluenceandcompetency.
Buthewasunluckilyendowedwithagoodnameandalargethoughencumberedestate,bothofwhichwentrathertoinjurethantoadvancehim.
Hehadatasteforlaw,whichcosthimmanythousandsyearly;andbeingagreatdealtooclevertoberobbed,ashesaid,byanysingleagent,allowedhisaffairstobemismanagedbyadozen,whomheallequallymistrusted.
Hewassuchasharplandlord,thathecouldhardlyfindanybutbankrupttenants;andsuchaclosefarmer,astogrudgealmosttheseedtotheground,whereuponrevengefulNaturegrudgedhimthecropswhichshegrantedtomoreliberalhusbandmen.
Hespeculatedineverypossibleway;heworkedmines;boughtcanal-shares;horsedcoaches;tookgovernmentcontracts,andwasthebusiestmanandmagistrateofhiscounty.
Ashewouldnotpayhonestagentsathisgranitequarry,hehadthesatisfactionoffindingthatfouroverseersranaway,andtookfortuneswiththemtoAmerica.
Forwantofproperprecautions,hiscoal-minesfilledwithwater:thegovernmentflunghiscontractofdamagedbeefuponhishands:andforhiscoach-horses,everymailproprietorinthekingdomknewthathelostmorehorsesthananymaninthecountry,fromunderfeedingandbuyingcheap.
Indispositionhewassociable,andfarfrombeingproud;nay,heratherpreferredthesocietyofafarmerorahorse-dealertothatofagentleman,likemylord,hisson:hewasfondofdrink,ofswearing,ofjokingwiththefarmers’daughters:hewasneverknowntogiveawayashillingortodoagoodaction,butwasofapleasant,sly,laughingmood,andwouldcuthisjokeanddrinkhisglasswithatenantandsellhimupthenextday;orhavehislaughwiththepoacherhewastransportingwithequalgoodhumour.
HispolitenessforthefairsexhasalreadybeenhintedatbyMissRebeccaSharp—inaword,thewholebaronetage,peerage,commonageofEngland,didnotcontainamorecunning,mean,selfish,foolish,disreputableoldman.
Thatblood-redhandofSirPittCrawley’swouldbeinanybody’spocketexcepthisown;anditiswithgriefandpain,that,asadmirersoftheBritisharistocracy,wefindourselvesobligedtoadmittheexistenceofsomanyillqualitiesinapersonwhosenameisinDebrett.
OnegreatcausewhyMr.Crawleyhadsuchaholdovertheaffectionsofhisfather,resultedfrommoneyarrangements.
TheBaronetowedhissonasumofmoneyoutofthejointureofhismother,whichhedidnotfinditconvenienttopay;indeedhehadanalmostinvinciblerepugnancetopayinganybody,andcouldonlybebroughtbyforcetodischargehisdebts.
MissSharpcalculated(forshebecame,asweshallhearspeedily,inductedintomostofthesecretsofthefamily)thatthemerepaymentofhiscreditorscostthehonourableBaronetseveralhundredsyearly;butthiswasadelighthecouldnotforego;hehadasavagepleasureinmakingthepoorwretcheswait,andinshiftingfromcourttocourtandfromtermtotermtheperiodofsatisfaction.
What’sthegoodofbeinginParliament,hesaid,ifyoumustpayyourdebts?
Hence,indeed,hispositionasasenatorwasnotalittleusefultohim.
VanityFair—VanityFair!Herewasaman,whocouldnotspell,anddidnotcaretoread—whohadthehabitsandthecunningofaboor:whoseaiminlifewaspettifogging:whoneverhadataste,oremotion,orenjoyment,butwhatwassordidandfoul;andyethehadrank,andhonours,andpower,somehow:andwasadignitaryoftheland,andapillarofthestate.
Hewashighsheriff,androdeinagoldencoach.
Greatministersandstatesmencourtedhim;andinVanityFairhehadahigherplacethanthemostbrilliantgeniusorspotlessvirtue.
SirPitthadanunmarriedhalf-sisterwhoinheritedhermother’slargefortune,andthoughtheBaronetproposedtoborrowthismoneyofheronmortgage,MissCrawleydeclinedtheoffer,andpreferredthesecurityofthefunds.
Shehadsignified,however,herintentionofleavingherinheritancebetweenSirPitt’ssecondsonandthefamilyattheRectory,andhadonceortwicepaidthedebtsofRawdonCrawleyinhiscareeratcollegeandinthearmy.
MissCrawleywas,inconsequence,anobjectofgreatrespectwhenshecametoQueen’sCrawley,forshehadabalanceatherbanker’swhichwouldhavemadeherbelovedanywhere.
Whatadignityitgivesanoldlady,thatbalanceatthebanker’s!
Howtenderlywelookatherfaultsifsheisarelative(andmayeveryreaderhaveascoreofsuch),whatakindgood-naturedoldcreaturewefindher!
HowthejuniorpartnerofHobbsandDobbsleadshersmilingtothecarriagewiththelozengeuponit,andthefatwheezycoachman!
How,whenshecomestopayusavisit,wegenerallyfindanopportunitytoletourfriendsknowherstationintheworld!
Wesay(andwithperfecttruth)IwishIhadMissMacWhirter’ssignaturetoachequeforfivethousandpounds.Shewouldn’tmissit,saysyourwife.
Sheismyaunt,sayyou,inaneasycarelessway,whenyourfriendasksifMissMacWhirterisanyrelative.
Yourwifeisperpetuallysendingherlittletestimoniesofaffection,yourlittlegirlsworkendlessworstedbaskets,cushions,andfootstoolsforher.
Whatagoodfirethereisinherroomwhenshecomestopayyouavisit,althoughyourwifelacesherstayswithoutone!
Thehouseduringherstayassumesafestive,neat,warm,jovial,snugappearancenotvisibleatotherseasons.
Youyourself,dearsir,forgettogotosleepafterdinner,andfindyourselfallofasudden(thoughyouinvariablylose)veryfondofarubber.
Whatgooddinnersyouhave—gameeveryday,Malmsey-Madeira,andnoendoffishfromLondon.
Eventheservantsinthekitchenshareinthegeneralprosperity;and,somehow,duringthestayofMissMacWhirter’sfatcoachman,thebeerisgrownmuchstronger,andtheconsumptionofteaandsugarinthenursery(wherehermaidtakeshermeals)isnotregardedintheleast.Isitso,orisitnotso?Iappealtothemiddleclasses.Ah,graciouspowers!
Iwishyouwouldsendmeanoldaunt—amaidenaunt—anauntwithalozengeonhercarriage,andafrontoflightcoffee-colouredhair—howmychildrenshouldworkworkbagsforher,andmyJuliaandIwouldmakehercomfortable!Sweet—sweetvision!Foolish—foolishdream!
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