English
TotheeyesofMr.JeremiahCruncher,sittingonhisstoolinFleet-streetwithhisgrislyurchinbesidehim,avastnumberandvarietyofobjectsinmovementwereeverydaypresented.
WhocouldsituponanythinginFleet-streetduringthebusyhoursoftheday,andnotbedazedanddeafenedbytwoimmenseprocessions,oneevertendingwestwardwiththesun,theotherevertendingeastwardfromthesun,bothevertendingtotheplainsbeyondtherangeofredandpurplewherethesungoesdown!
Withhisstrawinhismouth,Mr.Crunchersatwatchingthetwostreams,liketheheathenrusticwhohasforseveralcenturiesbeenondutywatchingonestream—savingthatJerryhadnoexpectationoftheireverrunningdry.
Norwouldithavebeenanexpectationofahopefulkind,sinceasmallpartofhisincomewasderivedfromthepilotageoftimidwomen(mostlyofafullhabitandpastthemiddletermoflife)fromTellson’ssideofthetidestotheoppositeshore.
Briefassuchcompanionshipwasineveryseparateinstance,Mr.Cruncherneverfailedtobecomesointerestedintheladyastoexpressastrongdesiretohavethehonourofdrinkingherverygoodhealth.
Anditwasfromthegiftsbestoweduponhimtowardstheexecutionofthisbenevolentpurpose,thatherecruitedhisfinances,asjustnowobserved.
Timewas,whenapoetsatuponastoolinapublicplace,andmusedinthesightofmen.
Mr.Cruncher,sittingonastoolinapublicplace,butnotbeingapoet,musedaslittleaspossible,andlookedabouthim.
Itfelloutthathewasthusengagedinaseasonwhencrowdswerefew,andbelatedwomenfew,andwhenhisaffairsingeneralweresounprosperousastoawakenastrongsuspicioninhisbreastthatMrs.Crunchermusthavebeen“flopping”insomepointedmanner,whenanunusualconcoursepouringdownFleet-streetwestward,attractedhisattention.
Lookingthatway,Mr.Crunchermadeoutthatsomekindoffuneralwascomingalong,andthattherewaspopularobjectiontothisfuneral,whichengendereduproar.
“YoungJerry,”saidMr.Cruncher,turningtohisoffspring,“it’saburyin’.”
“Hooroar,father!”criedYoungJerry.
Theyounggentlemanutteredthisexultantsoundwithmysterioussignificance.Theeldergentlemantookthecrysoill,thathewatchedhisopportunity,andsmotetheyounggentlemanontheear.
“Whatd’yemean?Whatareyouhooroaringat?
Whatdoyouwanttoconweytoyourownfather,youyoungRip?ThisboyisagettingtoomanyforME!”saidMr.Cruncher,surveyinghim.“Himandhishooroars!
Don’tletmehearnomoreofyou,oryoushallfeelsomemoreofme.D’yehear?”
“Iwarn’tdoingnoharm,”YoungJerryprotested,rubbinghischeek.
“Dropitthen,”saidMr.Cruncher;“Iwon’thavenoneofYOURnoharms.Getatopofthatthereseat,andlookatthecrowd.”
Hissonobeyed,andthecrowdapproached;theywerebawlingandhissingroundadingyhearseanddingymourningcoach,inwhichmourningcoachtherewasonlyonemourner,dressedinthedingytrappingsthatwereconsideredessentialtothedignityoftheposition.
Thepositionappearedbynomeanstopleasehim,however,withanincreasingrabblesurroundingthecoach,deridinghim,makinggrimacesathim,andincessantlygroaningandcallingout:“Yah!Spies!Tst!Yaha!Spies!”
withmanycomplimentstoonumerousandforcibletorepeat.
FuneralshadatalltimesaremarkableattractionforMr.Cruncher;healwaysprickeduphissenses,andbecameexcited,whenafuneralpassedTellson’s.
Naturally,therefore,afuneralwiththisuncommonattendanceexcitedhimgreatly,andheaskedofthefirstmanwhoranagainsthim:
“Whatisit,brother?What’sitabout?”
“Idon’tknow,”saidtheman.“Spies!Yaha!Tst!Spies!”
Heaskedanotherman.“Whoisit?”
“Idon’tknow,”returnedtheman,clappinghishandstohismouthnevertheless,andvociferatinginasurprisingheatandwiththegreatestardour,“Spies!Yaha!Tst,tst!Spi—ies!”
Atlength,apersonbetterinformedonthemeritsofthecase,tumbledagainsthim,andfromthispersonhelearnedthatthefuneralwasthefuneralofoneRogerCly.
“WasHeaspy?”askedMr.Cruncher.
“OldBaileyspy,”returnedhisinformant.“Yaha!Tst!Yah!OldBaileySpi—i—ies!”
“Why,tobesure!”exclaimedJerry,recallingtheTrialatwhichhehadassisted.“I’veseenhim.Dead,ishe?”
“Deadasmutton,”returnedtheother,“andcan’tbetoodead.Have‘emout,there!Spies!Pull‘emout,there!Spies!”
Theideawassoacceptableintheprevalentabsenceofanyidea,thatthecrowdcaughtitupwitheagerness,andloudlyrepeatingthesuggestiontohave‘emout,andtopull‘emout,mobbedthetwovehiclessocloselythattheycametoastop.
Onthecrowd’sopeningthecoachdoors,theonemournerscuffledoutofhimselfandwasintheirhandsforamoment;buthewassoalert,andmadesuchgooduseofhistime,thatinanothermomenthewasscouringawayupabye-street,aftersheddinghiscloak,hat,longhatband,whitepocket-handkerchief,andothersymbolicaltears.
These,thepeopletoretopiecesandscatteredfarandwidewithgreatenjoyment,whilethetradesmenhurriedlyshutuptheirshops;foracrowdinthosetimesstoppedatnothing,andwasamonstermuchdreaded.
Theyhadalreadygotthelengthofopeningthehearsetotakethecoffinout,whensomebrightergeniusproposedinstead,itsbeingescortedtoitsdestinationamidstgeneralrejoicing.
Practicalsuggestionsbeingmuchneeded,thissuggestion,too,wasreceivedwithacclamation,andthecoachwasimmediatelyfilledwitheightinsideandadozenout,whileasmanypeoplegotontheroofofthehearseascouldbyanyexerciseofingenuitystickuponit.
AmongthefirstofthesevolunteerswasJerryCruncherhimself,whomodestlyconcealedhisspikyheadfromtheobservationofTellson’s,inthefurthercornerofthemourningcoach.
Theofficiatingundertakersmadesomeprotestagainstthesechangesintheceremonies;but,theriverbeingalarminglynear,andseveralvoicesremarkingontheefficacyofcoldimmersioninbringingrefractorymembersoftheprofessiontoreason,theprotestwasfaintandbrief.
Theremodelledprocessionstarted,withachimney-sweepdrivingthehearse—advisedbytheregulardriver,whowasperchedbesidehim,undercloseinspection,forthepurpose—andwithapieman,alsoattendedbyhiscabinetminister,drivingthemourningcoach.
Abear-leader,apopularstreetcharacterofthetime,wasimpressedasanadditionalornament,beforethecavalcadehadgonefardowntheStrand;andhisbear,whowasblackandverymangy,gavequiteanUndertakingairtothatpartoftheprocessioninwhichhewalked.
Thus,withbeer-drinking,pipe-smoking,song-roaring,andinfinitecaricaturingofwoe,thedisorderlyprocessionwentitsway,recruitingateverystep,andalltheshopsshuttingupbeforeit.
ItsdestinationwastheoldchurchofSaintPancras,faroffinthefields.
Itgotthereincourseoftime;insistedonpouringintotheburial-ground;finally,accomplishedtheintermentofthedeceasedRogerClyinitsownway,andhighlytoitsownsatisfaction.
Thedeadmandisposedof,andthecrowdbeingunderthenecessityofprovidingsomeotherentertainmentforitself,anotherbrightergenius(orperhapsthesame)conceivedthehumourofimpeachingcasualpassers-by,asOldBaileyspies,andwreakingvengeanceonthem.
ChasewasgiventosomescoresofinoffensivepersonswhohadneverbeenneartheOldBaileyintheirlives,intherealisationofthisfancy,andtheywereroughlyhustledandmaltreated.
Thetransitiontothesportofwindow-breaking,andthencetotheplunderingofpublic-houses,waseasyandnatural.
Atlast,afterseveralhours,whensundrysummer-houseshadbeenpulleddown,andsomearea-railingshadbeentornup,toarmthemorebelligerentspirits,arumourgotaboutthattheGuardswerecoming.
Beforethisrumour,thecrowdgraduallymeltedaway,andperhapstheGuardscame,andperhapstheynevercame,andthiswastheusualprogressofamob.
Mr.Cruncherdidnotassistattheclosingsports,buthadremainedbehindinthechurchyard,toconferandcondolewiththeundertakers.
Theplacehadasoothinginfluenceonhim.
Heprocuredapipefromaneighbouringpublic-house,andsmokedit,lookinginattherailingsandmaturelyconsideringthespot.
“Jerry,”saidMr.Cruncher,apostrophisinghimselfinhisusualway,“youseethatthereClythatday,andyouseewithyourowneyesthathewasayoung‘unandastraightmade‘un.”
Havingsmokedhispipeout,andruminatedalittlelonger,heturnedhimselfabout,thathemightappear,beforethehourofclosing,onhisstationatTellson’s.
Whetherhismeditationsonmortalityhadtouchedhisliver,orwhetherhisgeneralhealthhadbeenpreviouslyatallamiss,orwhetherhedesiredtoshowalittleattentiontoaneminentman,isnotsomuchtothepurpose,asthathemadeashortcalluponhismedicaladviser—adistinguishedsurgeon—onhiswayback.
YoungJerryrelievedhisfatherwithdutifulinterest,andreportedNojobinhisabsence.
Thebankclosed,theancientclerkscameout,theusualwatchwasset,andMr.Cruncherandhissonwenthometotea.
“Now,Itellyouwhereitis!”saidMr.Crunchertohiswife,onentering.
“If,asahonesttradesman,mywentursgoeswrongto-night,Ishallmakesurethatyou’vebeenprayingagainme,andIshallworkyouforitjustthesameasifIseenyoudoit.”
ThedejectedMrs.Crunchershookherhead.
“Why,you’reatitaforemyface!”saidMr.Cruncher,withsignsofangryapprehension.
“Iamsayingnothing.”
“Well,then;don’tmeditatenothing.Youmightaswellflopasmeditate.Youmayaswellgoagainmeonewayasanother.Dropitaltogether.”
“Yes,Jerry.”
“Yes,Jerry,”repeatedMr.Crunchersittingdowntotea.“Ah!ItISyes,Jerry.That’saboutit.Youmaysayyes,Jerry.”
Mr.Cruncherhadnoparticularmeaninginthesesulkycorroborations,butmadeuseofthem,aspeoplenotunfrequentlydo,toexpressgeneralironicaldissatisfaction.
“Youandyouryes,Jerry,”saidMr.Cruncher,takingabiteoutofhisbread-and-butter,andseemingtohelpitdownwithalargeinvisibleoysteroutofhissaucer.“Ah!Ithinkso.Ibelieveyou.”
“Youaregoingoutto-night?”askedhisdecentwife,whenhetookanotherbite.
“Yes,Iam.”
“MayIgowithyou,father?”askedhisson,briskly.
“No,youmayn’t.I’magoing—asyourmotherknows—afishing.That’swhereI’mgoingto.Goingafishing.”
“Yourfishing-rodgetsraytherrusty;don’tit,father?”
“Neveryoumind.”
“Shallyoubringanyfishhome,father?”
“IfIdon’t,you’llhaveshortcommons,to-morrow,”returnedthatgentleman,shakinghishead;“that’squestionsenoughforyou;Iain’tagoingout,tillyou’vebeenlongabed.”
HedevotedhimselfduringtheremainderoftheeveningtokeepingamostvigilantwatchonMrs.Cruncher,andsullenlyholdingherinconversationthatshemightbepreventedfrommeditatinganypetitionstohisdisadvantage.
Withthisview,heurgedhissontoholdherinconversationalso,andledtheunfortunatewomanahardlifebydwellingonanycausesofcomplainthecouldbringagainsther,ratherthanhewouldleaveherforamomenttoherownreflections.
Thedevoutestpersoncouldhaverenderednogreaterhomagetotheefficacyofanhonestprayerthanhedidinthisdistrustofhiswife.
Itwasasifaprofessedunbelieveringhostsshouldbefrightenedbyaghoststory.
“Andmindyou!”saidMr.Cruncher.“Nogamesto-morrow!
IfI,asahonesttradesman,succeedinprovidingajinteofmeatortwo,noneofyournottouchingofit,andstickingtobread.
IfI,asahonesttradesman,amabletoprovidealittlebeer,noneofyourdeclaringonwater.WhenyougotoRome,doasRomedoes.
Romewillbeauglycustomertoyou,ifyoudon’t.I’myourRome,youknow.”
Thenhebegangrumblingagain:
“Withyourflyingintothefaceofyourownwittlesanddrink!
Idon’tknowhowscarceyoumayn’tmakethewittlesanddrinkhere,byyourfloppingtricksandyourunfeelingconduct.
Lookatyourboy:heISyour’n,ain’the?He’sasthinasalath.
Doyoucallyourselfamother,andnotknowthatamother’sfirstdutyistoblowherboyout?”
ThistouchedYoungJerryonatenderplace;whoadjuredhismothertoperformherfirstduty,and,whateverelseshedidorneglected,aboveallthingstolayespecialstressonthedischargeofthatmaternalfunctionsoaffectinglyanddelicatelyindicatedbyhisotherparent.
ThustheeveningworeawaywiththeCruncherfamily,untilYoungJerrywasorderedtobed,andhismother,laidundersimilarinjunctions,obeyedthem.
Mr.Cruncherbeguiledtheearlierwatchesofthenightwithsolitarypipes,anddidnotstartuponhisexcursionuntilnearlyoneo’clock.
Towardsthatsmallandghostlyhour,heroseupfromhischair,tookakeyoutofhispocket,openedalockedcupboard,andbroughtforthasack,acrowbarofconvenientsize,aropeandchain,andotherfishingtackleofthatnature.
Disposingthesearticlesabouthiminskilfulmanner,hebestowedapartingdefianceonMrs.Cruncher,extinguishedthelight,andwentout.
YoungJerry,whohadonlymadeafeintofundressingwhenhewenttobed,wasnotlongafterhisfather.
Undercoverofthedarknesshefollowedoutoftheroom,followeddownthestairs,followeddownthecourt,followedoutintothestreets.
Hewasinnouneasinessconcerninghisgettingintothehouseagain,foritwasfulloflodgers,andthedoorstoodajarallnight.
Impelledbyalaudableambitiontostudytheartandmysteryofhisfather’shonestcalling,YoungJerry,keepingasclosetohousefronts,walls,anddoorways,ashiseyeswereclosetooneanother,heldhishonouredparentinview.
ThehonouredparentsteeringNorthward,hadnotgonefar,whenhewasjoinedbyanotherdiscipleofIzaakWalton,andthetwotrudgedontogether.
Withinhalfanhourfromthefirststarting,theywerebeyondthewinkinglamps,andthemorethanwinkingwatchmen,andwereoutuponalonelyroad.
Anotherfishermanwaspickeduphere—andthatsosilently,thatifYoungJerryhadbeensuperstitious,hemighthavesupposedthesecondfollowerofthegentlecrafttohave,allofasudden,splithimselfintotwo.
Thethreewenton,andYoungJerrywenton,untilthethreestoppedunderabankoverhangingtheroad.
Uponthetopofthebankwasalowbrickwall,surmountedbyanironrailing.
Intheshadowofbankandwallthethreeturnedoutoftheroad,andupablindlane,ofwhichthewall—there,risentosomeeightortenfeethigh—formedoneside.
Crouchingdowninacorner,peepingupthelane,thenextobjectthatYoungJerrysaw,wastheformofhishonouredparent,prettywelldefinedagainstawateryandcloudedmoon,nimblyscalinganirongate.
Hewassoonover,andthenthesecondfishermangotover,andthenthethird.
Theyalldroppedsoftlyonthegroundwithinthegate,andlaytherealittle—listeningperhaps.
Then,theymovedawayontheirhandsandknees.
ItwasnowYoungJerry’sturntoapproachthegate:whichhedid,holdinghisbreath.
Crouchingdownagaininacornerthere,andlookingin,hemadeoutthethreefishermencreepingthroughsomerankgrass!
andallthegravestonesinthechurchyard—itwasalargechurchyardthattheywerein—lookingonlikeghostsinwhite,whilethechurchtoweritselflookedonEketheghostofamonstrousgiant.
Theydidnotcreepfar,beforetheystoppedandstoodupright.Andthentheybegantofish.
Theyfishedwithaspade,atfirst.Presentlythehonouredparentappearedtobeadjustingsomeinstrumentlikeagreatcorkscrew.
Whatevertoolstheyworkedwith,theyworkedhard,untiltheawfulstrikingofthechurchclocksoterrifiedYoungJerry,thathemadeoff,withhishairasstiffashisfather’s.
But,hislong-cherisheddesiretoknowmoreaboutthesematters,notonlystoppedhiminhisrunningaway,butluredhimbackagain.
Theywerestillfishingperseveringly,whenhepeepedinatthegateforthesecondtime;but,nowtheyseemedtohavegotabite.
Therewasascrewingandcomplainingsounddownbelow,andtheirbentfigureswerestrained,asifbyaweight.
Byslowdegreestheweightbrokeawaytheearthuponit,andcametothesurface.
YoungJerryverywellknewwhatitwouldbe;but,whenhesawit,andsawhishonouredparentabouttowrenchitopen,hewassofrightened,beingnewtothesight,thathemadeoffagain,andneverstoppeduntilhehadrunamileormore.
Hewouldnothavestoppedthen,foranythinglessnecessarythanbreath,itbeingaspectralsortofracethatheran,andonehighlydesirabletogettotheendof.
Hehadastrongideathatthecoffinhehadseenwasrunningafterhim;and,picturedashoppingonbehindhim,boltupright,uponitsnarrowend,alwaysonthepointofovertakinghimandhoppingonathisside—perhapstakinghisarm—itwasapursuertoshun.
Itwasaninconsistentandubiquitousfiendtoo,for,whileitwasmakingthewholenightbehindhimdreadful,hedartedoutintotheroadwaytoavoiddarkalleys,fearfulofitscominghoppingoutofthemlikeadropsicalboy’s-Kitewithouttailandwings.
Ithidindoorwaystoo,rubbingitshorribleshouldersagainstdoors,anddrawingthemuptoitsears,asifitwerelaughing.
Itgotintoshadowsontheroad,andlaycunninglyonitsbacktotriphimup.
Allthistimeitwasincessantlyhoppingonbehindandgainingonhim,sothatwhentheboygottohisowndoorhehadreasonforbeinghalfdead.
Andeventhenitwouldnotleavehim,butfollowedhimupstairswithabumponeverystair,scrambledintobedwithhim,andbumpeddown,deadandheavy,onhisbreastwhenhefellasleep.
Fromhisoppressedslumber,YoungJerryinhisclosetwasawakenedafterdaybreakandbeforesunrise,bythepresenceofhisfatherinthefamilyroom.
Somethinghadgonewrongwithhim;atleast,soYoungJerryinferred,fromthecircumstanceofhisholdingMrs.Cruncherbytheears,andknockingthebackofherheadagainstthehead-boardofthebed.
“ItoldyouIwould,”saidMr.Cruncher,“andIdid.”
“Jerry,Jerry,Jerry!”hiswifeimplored.
“Youopposeyourselftotheprofitofthebusiness,”saidJerry,“andmeandmypartnerssuffer.Youwastohonourandobey;whythedevildon’tyou?”
“Itrytobeagoodwife,Jerry,”thepoorwomanprotested,withtears.
“Isitbeingagoodwifetoopposeyourhusband’sbusiness?Isithonouringyourhusbandtodishonourhisbusiness?Isitobeyingyourhusbandtodisobeyhimonthevitalsubjectofhisbusiness?”
“Youhadn’ttakentothedreadfulbusinessthen,Jerry.”
“It’senoughforyou,”retortedMr.Cruncher,“tobethewifeofahonesttradesman,andnottooccupyyourfemalemindwithcalculationswhenhetooktohistradeorwhenhedidn’t.
Ahonouringandobeyingwifewouldlethistradealonealtogether.Callyourselfareligiouswoman?
Ifyou’reareligiouswoman,givemeairreligiousone!
Youhavenomorenat’ralsenseofdutythanthebedofthishereThamesriverhasofapile,andsimilarlyitmustbeknockedintoyou.”
Thealtercationwasconductedinalowtoneofvoice,andterminatedinthehonesttradesman’skickingoffhisclay-soiledboots,andlyingdownathislengthonthefloor.
Aftertakingatimidpeepathimlyingonhisback,withhisrustyhandsunderhisheadforapillow,hissonlaydowntoo,andfellasleepagain.
Therewasnofishforbreakfast,andnotmuchofanythingelse.
Mr.Cruncherwasoutofspirits,andoutoftemper,andkeptanironpot-lidbyhimasaprojectileforthecorrectionofMrs.Cruncher,incaseheshouldobserveanysymptomsofhersayingGrace.
Hewasbrushedandwashedattheusualhour,andsetoffwithhissontopursuehisostensiblecalling.
YoungJerry,walkingwiththestoolunderhisarmathisfather’ssidealongsunnyandcrowdedFleet-street,wasaverydifferentYoungJerryfromhimofthepreviousnight,runninghomethroughdarknessandsolitudefromhisgrimpursuer.
Hiscunningwasfreshwiththeday,andhisqualmsweregonewiththenight—inwhichparticularsitisnotimprobablethathehadcompeersinFleet-streetandtheCityofLondon,thatfinemorning.
“Father,”saidYoungJerry,astheywalkedalong:takingcaretokeepatarm’slengthandtohavethestoolwellbetweenthem:“what’saResurrection-Man?”
Mr.Crunchercametoastoponthepavementbeforeheanswered,“HowshouldIknow?”
“Ithoughtyouknowedeverything,father,”saidtheartlessboy.
“Hem!Well,”returnedMr.Cruncher,goingonagain,andliftingoffhishattogivehisspikesfreeplay,“he’satradesman.”
“What’shisgoods,father?”askedthebriskYoungJerry.
“Hisgoods,”saidMr.Cruncher,afterturningitoverinhismind,“isabranchofScientificgoods.”
“Persons’bodies,ain’tit,father?”askedthelivelyboy.
“Ibelieveitissomethingofthatsort,”saidMr.Cruncher.
“Oh,father,IshouldsoliketobeaResurrection-ManwhenI’mquitegrowedup!”
Mr.Cruncherwassoothed,butshookhisheadinadubiousandmoralway.
“Itdependsuponhowyoudewelopyourtalents.
Becarefultodewelopyourtalents,andnevertosaynomorethanyoucanhelptonobody,andthere’snotellingatthepresenttimewhatyoumaynotcometobefitfor.”
AsYoungJerry,thusencouraged,wentonafewyardsinadvance,toplantthestoolintheshadowoftheBar,Mr.Cruncheraddedtohimself:“Jerry,youhonesttradesman,there’shopeswotthatboywillyetbeablessingtoyou,andarecompensetoyouforhismother!”
Share this article to
FINISH