English
IfSydneyCartonevershoneanywhere,hecertainlynevershoneinthehouseofDoctorManette.
Hehadbeenthereoften,duringawholeyear,andhadalwaysbeenthesamemoodyandmoroseloungerthere.
Whenhecaredtotalk,hetalkedwell;but,thecloudofcaringfornothing,whichovershadowedhimwithsuchafataldarkness,wasveryrarelypiercedbythelightwithinhim.
Andyethedidcaresomethingforthestreetsthatenvironedthathouse,andforthesenselessstonesthatmadetheirpavements.
Manyanighthevaguelyandunhappilywanderedthere,whenwinehadbroughtnotransitorygladnesstohim;manyadrearydaybreakrevealedhissolitaryfigurelingeringthere,andstilllingeringtherewhenthefirstbeamsofthesunbroughtintostrongrelief,removedbeautiesofarchitectureinspiresofchurchesandloftybuildings,asperhapsthequiettimebroughtsomesenseofbetterthings,elseforgottenandunattainable,intohismind.
Oflate,theneglectedbedintheTempleCourthadknownhimmorescantilythanever;andoftenwhenhehadthrownhimselfuponitnolongerthanafewminutes,hehadgotupagain,andhauntedthatneighbourhood.
OnadayinAugust,whenMr.Stryver(afternotifyingtohisjackalthat“hehadthoughtbetterofthatmarryingmatter”)hadcarriedhisdelicacyintoDevonshire,andwhenthesightandscentofflowersintheCitystreetshadsomewaifsofgoodnessinthemfortheworst,ofhealthforthesickliest,andofyouthfortheoldest,Sydney’sfeetstilltrodthosestones.
Frombeingirresoluteandpurposeless,hisfeetbecameanimatedbyanintention,and,intheworkingoutofthatintention,theytookhimtotheDoctor’sdoor.
Hewasshownup-stairs,andfoundLucieatherwork,alone.
Shehadneverbeenquiteathereasewithhim,andreceivedhimwithsomelittleembarrassmentasheseatedhimselfnearhertable.
But,lookingupathisfaceintheinterchangeofthefirstfewcommon-places,sheobservedachangeinit.
“Ifearyouarenotwell,Mr.Carton!”
“No.ButthelifeIlead,MissManette,isnotconducivetohealth.Whatistobeexpectedof,orby,suchprofligates?”
“Isitnot—forgiveme;Ihavebegunthequestiononmylips—apitytolivenobetterlife?”
“Godknowsitisashame!”
“Thenwhynotchangeit?”
Lookinggentlyathimagain,shewassurprisedandsaddenedtoseethatthereweretearsinhiseyes.Thereweretearsinhisvoicetoo,asheanswered:
“Itistoolateforthat.IshallneverbebetterthanIam.Ishallsinklower,andbeworse.”
Heleanedanelbowonhertable,andcoveredhiseyeswithhishand.Thetabletrembledinthesilencethatfollowed.
Shehadneverseenhimsoftened,andwasmuchdistressed.Heknewhertobeso,withoutlookingather,andsaid:
“Prayforgiveme,MissManette.IbreakdownbeforetheknowledgeofwhatIwanttosaytoyou.Willyouhearme?”
“Ifitwilldoyouanygood,Mr.Carton,ifitwouldmakeyouhappier,itwouldmakemeveryglad!”
“Godblessyouforyoursweetcompassion!”
Heunshadedhisfaceafteralittlewhile,andspokesteadily.
“Don’tbeafraidtohearme.Don’tshrinkfromanythingIsay.Iamlikeonewhodiedyoung.Allmylifemighthavebeen.”
“No,Mr.Carton.Iamsurethatthebestpartofitmightstillbe;Iamsurethatyoumightbemuch,muchworthierofyourself.”
“Sayofyou,MissManette,andalthoughIknowbetter—althoughinthemysteryofmyownwretchedheartIknowbetter—Ishallneverforgetit!”
Shewaspaleandtrembling.Hecametoherreliefwithafixeddespairofhimselfwhichmadetheinterviewunlikeanyotherthatcouldhavebeenholden.
“Ifithadbeenpossible,MissManette,thatyoucouldhavereturnedtheloveofthemanyouseebeforeyourself—flungaway,wasted,drunken,poorcreatureofmisuseasyouknowhimtobe—hewouldhavebeenconsciousthisdayandhour,inspiteofhishappiness,thathewouldbringyoutomisery,bringyoutosorrowandrepentance,blightyou,disgraceyou,pullyoudownwithhim.
Iknowverywellthatyoucanhavenotendernessforme;Iaskfornone;Iameventhankfulthatitcannotbe.”
“Withoutit,canInotsaveyou,Mr.Carton?CanInotrecallyou—forgivemeagain!—toabettercourse?CanIinnowayrepayyourconfidence?
Iknowthisisaconfidence,”shemodestlysaid,afteralittlehesitation,andinearnesttears,“Iknowyouwouldsaythistonooneelse.
CanIturnittonogoodaccountforyourself,Mr.Carton?”
Heshookhishead.
“Tonone.No,MissManette,tonone.
Ifyouwillhearmethroughaverylittlemore,allyoucaneverdoformeisdone.
Iwishyoutoknowthatyouhavebeenthelastdreamofmysoul.
InmydegradationIhavenotbeensodegradedbutthatthesightofyouwithyourfather,andofthishomemadesuchahomebyyou,hasstirredoldshadowsthatIthoughthaddiedoutofme.
SinceIknewyou,IhavebeentroubledbyaremorsethatIthoughtwouldneverreproachmeagain,andhaveheardwhispersfromoldvoicesimpellingmeupward,thatIthoughtweresilentforever.
Ihavehadunformedideasofstrivingafresh,beginninganew,shakingoffslothandsensuality,andfightingouttheabandonedfight.
Adream,alladream,thatendsinnothing,andleavesthesleeperwherehelaydown,butIwishyoutoknowthatyouinspiredit.”
“Willnothingofitremain?OMr.Carton,thinkagain!Tryagain!”
“No,MissManette;allthroughit,Ihaveknownmyselftobequiteundeserving.
AndyetIhavehadtheweakness,andhavestilltheweakness,towishyoutoknowwithwhatasuddenmasteryyoukindledme,heapofashesthatIam,intofire—afire,however,inseparableinitsnaturefrommyself,quickeningnothing,lightingnothing,doingnoservice,idlyburningaway.”
“Sinceitismymisfortune,Mr.Carton,tohavemadeyoumoreunhappythanyouwerebeforeyouknewme—”
“Don’tsaythat,MissManette,foryouwouldhavereclaimedme,ifanythingcould.youwillnotbethecauseofmybecomingworse.”
“Sincethestateofyourmindthatyoudescribe,is,atallevents,attributabletosomeinfluenceofmine—thisiswhatImean,ifIcanmakeitplain—canIusenoinfluencetoserveyou?
HaveInopowerforgood,withyou,atall?”
“TheutmostgoodthatIamcapableofnow,MissManette,Ihavecomeheretorealise.
Letmecarrythroughtherestofmymisdirectedlife,theremembrancethatIopenedmyhearttoyou,lastofalltheworld;andthattherewassomethingleftinmeatthistimewhichyoucoulddeploreandpity.”
“WhichIentreatedyoutobelieve,againandagain,mostfervently,withallmyheart,wascapableofbetterthings,Mr.Carton!”
“Entreatmetobelieveitnomore,MissManette.
Ihaveprovedmyself,andIknowbetter.Idistressyou;Idrawfasttoanend.
Willyouletmebelieve,whenIrecallthisday,thatthelastconfidenceofmylifewasreposedinyourpureandinnocentbreast,andthatitliestherealone,andwillbesharedbynoone?”
“Ifthatwillbeaconsolationtoyou,yes.”
“Notevenbythedearestoneevertobeknowntoyou?”
“Mr.Carton,”sheanswered,afteranagitatedpause,“thesecretisyours,notmine;andIpromisetorespectit.”
“Thankyou.Andagain,Godblessyou.”
Heputherhandtohislips,andmovedtowardsthedoor.
“Beundernoapprehension,MissManette,ofmyeverresumingthisconversationbysomuchasapassingword.Iwillneverrefertoitagain.
IfIweredead,thatcouldnotbesurerthanitishenceforth.
Inthehourofmydeath,Ishallholdsacredtheonegoodremembrance—andshallthankandblessyouforit—thatmylastavowalofmyselfwasmadetoyou,andthatmyname,andfaults,andmiseriesweregentlycarriedinyourheart.Mayitotherwisebelightandhappy!”
Hewassounlikewhathehadevershownhimselftobe,anditwassosadtothinkhowmuchhehadthrownaway,andhowmuchheeverydaykeptdownandperverted,thatLucieManetteweptmournfullyforhimashestoodlookingbackather.
“Becomforted!”hesaid,“Iamnotworthsuchfeeling,MissManette.
Anhourortwohence,andthelowcompanionsandlowhabitsthatIscornbutyieldto,willrendermelessworthsuchtearsasthose,thananywretchwhocreepsalongthestreets.Becomforted!
But,withinmyself,Ishallalwaysbe,towardsyou,whatIamnow,thoughoutwardlyIshallbewhatyouhaveheretoforeseenme.
ThelastsupplicationbutoneImaketoyou,is,thatyouwillbelievethisofme.”
“Iwill,Mr.Carton.”
“Mylastsupplicationofall,isthis;andwithit,IwillrelieveyouofavisitorwithwhomIwellknowyouhavenothinginunison,andbetweenwhomandyouthereisanimpassablespace.
Itisuselesstosayit,Iknow,butitrisesoutofmysoul.
Foryou,andforanydeartoyou,Iwoulddoanything.
Ifmycareerwereofthatbetterkindthattherewasanyopportunityorcapacityofsacrificeinit,Iwouldembraceanysacrificeforyouandforthosedeartoyou.
Trytoholdmeinyourmind,atsomequiettimes,asardentandsincereinthisonething.
Thetimewillcome,thetimewillnotbelongincoming,whennewtieswillbeformedaboutyou—tiesthatwillbindyouyetmoretenderlyandstronglytothehomeyousoadorn—thedearesttiesthatwillevergraceandgladdenyou.
OMissManette,whenthelittlepictureofahappyfather’sfacelooksupinyours,whenyouseeyourownbrightbeautyspringingupanewatyourfeet,thinknowandthenthatthereisamanwhowouldgivehislife,tokeepalifeyoulovebesideyou!”
Hesaid,“Farewell!”saidalast“Godblessyou!”andlefther.
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