English
Bythistimetheappetitesoftheguestsseemedtobenearlysatisfied,andevenBrunohadtheresolutiontosay,whentheProfessorofferedhimafourthsliceofplum-pudding,“Ithinksthreehelpingsisenough!”
SuddenlytheProfessorstartedasifhehadbeenelectrified.
“Why,Ihadnearlyforgottenthemostimportantpartoftheentertainment!
TheOtherProfessoristoreciteaTaleofaPig—ImeanaPig-Tale,”hecorrectedhimself.
“IthasIntroductoryVersesatthebeginning,andattheend.”
“Itca’n’thaveIntroductoryVersesattheend,canit?”saidSylvie.
“Waittillyouhearit,”saidtheProfessor:“thenyou’llsee.
Imnotsureithasn’tsomeinthemiddle,aswell.”
Hereherosetohisfeet,andtherewasaninstantsilencethroughtheBanqueting-Hall:theyevidentlyexpectedaspeech.
“Ladies,andgentlemen,”theProfessorbegan,“theOtherProfessorissokindastoreciteaPoem.Thetitleofitis’ThePig-Tale’.Heneverreciteditbefore!”(Generalcheeringamongtheguests.)“Hewillneverreciteitagain!”
(Franticexcitement,andwildcheeringalldownthehall,theProfessorhimselfmountingthetableinhothaste,toleadthecheering,andwavinghisspectaclesinonehandandaspoonintheother.)
ThentheOtherProfessorgotup,andbegan:
LittleBirdsaredining
Warilyandwell,
Hidinmossycell:
Hid,Isay,bywaiters
Gorgeousintheirgaiters—
I’veaTaletotell.
LittleBirdsarefeeding
Justiceswithjam,
Richinfrizzledham:
Rich,Isay,inoysters
Hauntingshadycloisters—
ThatiswhatIam.
LittleBirdsareteaching
Tigressestosmile,
Innocentofguile:
Smile,Isay,notsmirkle—
Mouthasemicircle,
That’stheproperstyle.
LittleBirdsaresleeping
Allamongthepins,
Wheretheloserwins:
Where,Isay,hesneezes
Whenandhowhepleases—
SotheTalebegins.
TherewasaPigthatsatalone
BesidearuinedPump:
Bydayandnighthemadehismoan—
Itwouldhavestirredaheartofstone
Toseehimwringhishoofsandgroan,
Becausehecouldnotjump.
AcertainCamelheardhimshout—
ACamelwithahump.
”Oh,isitGrief,orisitGout?
Whatisthisbellowingabout?”
ThatPigreplied,withquiveringsnout,
“BecauseIcannotjump!”
ThatCamelscannedhim,dreamy-eyed.
“Methinksyouaretooplump.
IneverknewaPigsowide—
Thatwobbledsofromsidetoside—
Whocould,howevermuchhetried,
Dosuchathingasjump!
“Yetmarkthosetrees,twomilesaway,
Allclusteredinaclump:
Ifyoucouldtrottheretwiceaday,
Noreverpauseforrestorplay,
Inthefarfuture—Whocansay—
Youmaybefittojump.”
ThatCamelpassed,andlefthimthere,
BesidetheruinedPump.
Oh,horridwasthatPig’sdespair!
Hisshrieksofanguishfilledtheair.
Hewrunghishoofs,herenthishair,
Becausehecouldnotjump.
TherewasaFrogthatwanderedby—
Asleekandshininglump:
Inspectedhimwithfishyeye,
Andsaid“OPig,whatmakesyoucry?”
AndbitterwasthatPig’sreply,
“BecauseIcannotjump!”
ThatFroghegrinnedagrinofglee,
Andhithischestathump.
”OPig,”hesaid,“beruledbyme,
Andyoushallseewhatyoushallsee.
Thisminute,foratriflingfee,
I’llteachyouhowtojump!
“Youmaybefaintfrommanyafall,
Andbruisedbymanyabump:
But,ifyouperseverethroughall,
Andpracticefirstonsomethingsmall,
Concludingwithaten-footwall,
You’llfindthatyoucanjump!”
ThatPiglookedupwithjoyfulstart:
“OhFrog,youareatrump!
Yourwordshavehealedmyinwardsmart—
Come,nameyourfeeanddoyourpart:
Bringcomforttoabrokenheart
Byteachingmetojump!”
“Myfeeshallbeamutton-chop,
MygoalthisruinedPump.
Observewithwhatanairyflop
Iplantmyselfuponthetop!
Nowbendyourkneesandtakeahop,
Forthat’sthewaytojump!”
UprosethatPig,andrushed,fullwhack,
AgainsttheruinedPump:
Rolledoverlikeanemptysack
Andsettleddownuponhisback
Whileallhisbonesatoncewent“Crack!”
Itwasafataljump.
WhentheOtherProfessorhadrecitedthisVerse,hewentacrosstothefire-place,andputhisheadupthechimney.
Indoingthis,helosthisbalance,andfellheadfirstintotheemptygrate,andgotsofirmlyfixedtherethatitwassometimebeforehecouldbedraggedoutagain.
Brunohadhadtimetosay“Ithoughthewantedtoseehowmanypeopleswasupthechimbley.”
AndSylviehadsaid“Chimney—notchimbley.”
AndBrunohadsaid“Don’ttalk‘ubbish!”
Allthis,whiletheOtherProfessorwasbeingextracted.
“Youmusthaveblackedyourface!”theEmpresssaidanxiously.“Letmesendforsomesoap?”
“Thanks,no,”saidtheOtherProfessor,keepinghisfaceturnedaway.“Black’squitearespectablecolour.Besides,soapwouldbenousewithoutwater—”
Keepinghisbackwellturnedawayfromtheaudience,hewentonwiththeIntroductoryVerses:
LittleBirdsarewriting
Interestingbooks,
Tobereadbycooks:
Read,Isay,notroasted—
Letterpress,whentoasted,
Losesitsgoodlooks.
LittleBirdsareplaying
Bagpipesontheshore,
Wherethetouristssnore:
”Thanks!”theycry.“‘Tisthrilling!
Take,ohtakethisshilling!
Letushavenomore!”
LittleBirdsarebathing
Crocodilesincream,
Likeahappydream:
Like,butnotsolasting—
Crocodiles,whenfasting,
Arenotalltheyseem!
ThatCamelpassed,asDaygrewdim
AroundtheruinedPump.
”Obrokenheart!Obrokenlimb!
Itneeds”,thatCamelsaidtohim
”Somethingmorefairy-likeandslim,
Toexecuteajump!”
ThatPiglaystillasanystone
Andcouldnotstirastump:
Norever,ifthetruthwereknown
Washeagainobservedtomoan
Noreverwringhishoofsandgroan,
Becausehecouldnotjump.
ThatFrogmadenoremark,forhe
Wasdismalasadump:
Heknewtheconsequencemustbe
Thathewouldnevergethisfee—
Andstillhesits,inmiserie
UponthatruinedPump!
“It’samiserablestory!”saidBruno.“Itbeginsmiserably,anditendsmiserablier.IthinkIshallcry.Sylvie,pleaselendmeyourhandkerchief.”
“Ihaven’tgotitwithme,”Sylviewhispered
‘ThenIwo’n’tcry,”saidBrunomanfully.
TherearemoreIntroductoryVersestocome,”saidtheOtherProfessor,“butI’mhungry.”
Hesatdown,cutalargesliceofcake,putitonBruno’splate,andgazedathisownemptyplateinastonishment
“Wheredidyougetthatcake?”SylviewhisperedtoBruno.
“Hegiveditme,”saidBruno.
“Butyoushouldn’taskforthings!Youknowyoushouldn’t!”
“Ididn’task,”saidBruno,takingafreshmouthful:“hegiveditme.”
Sylvieconsideredthisforamoment:thenshesawherwayoutofit.“Well,then,askhimtogivemesome!”
“Youseemtoenjoythatcake?”theProfessorremarked.
“Doosthatmean‘munch’?”BrunowhisperedtoSylvie.
Sylvienodded.“Itmeans‘tomunch’and‘toliketomunch’.”
BrunosmiledattheProfessor.“Idoosenjoyit,”hesaid.
TheOtherProfessorcaughttheword.“AndIhopeyou’reenjoyingyourself,littleMan?”heenquired.
Bruno’slookofhorrorquitestartledhim.“No,indeedIaren’t!”hesaid.
TheOtherProfessorlookedthoroughlypuzzled.“Well,well!”hesaid.“Trysomecowslipwine!”AndhefilledaglassandhandedittoBruno.“Drinkthis,mydear,andyou’llbequiteanotherman!”
“WhoshallIbe?”saidBruno,pausingintheactofputtingittohislips.
“Don’tasksomanyquestions!”Sylvieinterposed,anxioustosavethepooroldmanfromfurtherbewilderment.“SupposewegettheProfessortotellusastory.”
Brunoadoptedtheideawithenthusiasm.Pleasedo.hecriedeagerly.“Sumfinabouttigers—andbumble-bees—androbin-redbreasts,ooknows!”
“Whyshouldyoualwayshavelivethingsinstories?saidtheProfessor.“Whydon’tyouhaveevents,orcircumstances?”
“Oh,pleaseinventastorylikethat!”criedBruno.
TheProfessorbeganfluentlyenough.“Onceacoincidencewastakingawalkwithalittleaccident,andtheymetanexplanation—averyoldexplanation—sooldthatitwasquitedoubledup,andlookedmorelikeaconundrum—”hebrokeoffsuddenly.
“Pleasegoon!”bothchildrenexclaimed.
TheProfessormadeacandidconfession.“It’saverydifficultsorttoinvent,Ifind.SupposeBrunotellsonefirst.”
Brunowasonlytoohappytoadoptthesuggestion.
“OncetherewereaPig,andaAccordion,andtwojarsofOrange-marmalade—”
“Thedramatispersonae,”murmuredtheProfessor.“Well,whatthen?”
“So,whenthePigplayedontheAccordion,”Brunowenton,“oneoftheJarsofOrange-marmaladedidn’tlikethetune,andtheotherJarofOrange-marmaladedidlikethetune—IknowIshallgetconfusedamongthoseJarsofOrange-marmalade,Sylvie!”hewhisperedanxiously.
“IwillnowrecitetheotherIntroductoryVerses,”saidtheOtherProfessor.
LittleBirdsarechoking
Baronetswithbun,
Taughttofireagun:
Taught,Isay,tosplinter
Salmoninthewinter—
Merelyforthefun.
LittleBirdsarehiding
Crimesincarpet-bags,
Blessedbyhappystags:
Blessed,Isay,thoughbeaten—
Sinceourfriendsareeaten
Whenthememoryflags.
LittleBirdsaretasting
Gratitudeandgold,
Palewithsuddencold:
Pale,Isay,andwrinkled—
Whenthebellshavetinkled,
AndtheTaleistold.
“Thenextthingtobedone”,theProfessorcheerfullyremarkedtotheLordChancellor,assoonastheapplause,causedbytherecitalofthePig-Tale,hadcometoanend,“istodrinktheEmperor’shealth,isitnot?”
“Undoubtedly!”theLordChancellorrepliedwithmuchsolemnity,asherosetohisfeettogivethenecessarydirectionsfortheceremony.“Fillyourglasses!”hethundered.Alldidso,instantly.“DrinktheEmperor’shealth!”
AgeneralgurglingresoundedallthroughtheHall.“ThreecheersfortheEmperor!”
Thefaintestpossiblesoundfollowedthisannouncement:andtheChancellor,withadmirablepresenceofmind,instantlyproclaimed“AspeechfromtheEmperor!”
TheEmperorhadbegunhisspeechalmostbeforethewordswereuttered.
“HoweverunwillingtobeEmperor—sinceyouallwishmetobeEmperor—youknowhowbadlythelateWardenmanagedthings—withsuchenthusiasmasyouhaveshown—hepersecutedyou—hetaxedyoutooheavily—youknowwhoisfittestmantobeEmperor—mybrotherhadnosense—”
Howlongthiscuriousspeechmighthavelasteditisimpossibletosay,forjustatthismomentahurricaneshookthepalacetoitsfoundations,burstingopenthewindows,extinguishingsomeofthelamps,andfillingtheairwithcloudsofdust,whichtookstrangeshapesintheair,andseemedtoformwords.
Butthestormsubsidedassuddenlyasithadrisen—thecasementsswungintotheirplacesagain:thedustvanished:allwasasithadbeenaminuteago—withtheexceptionoftheEmperorandEmpress,overwhomhadcomeawondrouschange.
Thevacantstare,themeaninglesssmile,hadpassedaway:allcouldseethatthesetwostrangebeingshadreturnedtotheirsenses.
TheEmperorcontinuedhisspeechasiftherehadbeennointerruption.
“Andwehavebehaved—mywifeandI—liketwoarrantKnaves.Wedeservenobettername.
Whenmybrotherwentaway,youlostthebestWardenyoueverhad.
AndI’vebeendoingmybest,wretchedhypocritethatIam,tocheatyouintomakingmeanEmperor.Me!
Onethathashardlygotthewitstobeshoe-black!”
TheLordChancellorwrunghishandsindespair.“Heismad,goodpeople!”hewasbeginning.
Butbothspeechesstoppedsuddenly—and,inthedeadsilencethatfollowed,aknockingwasheardattheouterdoor.
“Whatisit?”wasthegeneralcry.Peoplebeganrunninginandout.
TheexcitementincreasedeverymomentTheLordChancellor,forgettingalltherulesofCourtceremony,ranfullspeeddownthehall,andinaminutereturned,paleandgaspingforbreath.
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