English
‘InScience—infact,inmostthings—itisusuallybesttobeginatthebeginning.
Insomethings,ofcourse,it’sbettertobeginattheotherend.
Forinstance,ifyouwantedtopaintadoggreen,itmightbebesttobeginwiththetail,asitdoesn’tbiteatthatend.Andso—”
“MayIhelpoo?”Brunointerrupted.
“Helpmetodowhat?”saidthepuzzledProfessor,lookingupforamoment,butkeepinghisfingeronthebookhewasreadingfrom,soasnottolosehisplace.
“Topaintadoggreen!”criedBruno.“Oocanbeginwizitsmouf,andI’ll—”
“No,no!”saidtheProfessor.“Wehaven’tgottotheExperimentsyet.
Andso”,returningtohisnote-book,“I’llgiveyoutheAxiomsofScience.
AfterthatIshallexhibitsomeSpecimens.ThenIshallexplainaProcessortwo.
AndIshallconcludewithafewExperiments.
AnAxiom,youknow,isathingthatyouacceptwithoutcontradiction.
Forinstance,ifIweretosay‘Hereweare’‘,thatwouldbeacceptedwithoutanycontradiction,andit’sanicesortofremarktobeginaconversationwith.SoitwouldbeanAxiom.
Oragain,supposingIweretosay,‘Herewearenot!’,thatwouldbe—”
“—afib!”criedBruno.
“Oh,Bruno!”saidSylvieinawarningwhisper.“OfcourseitwouldbeanAxiom,iftheProfessorsaidit!”
“—thatwouldbeaccepted,ifpeoplewerecivil,”continuedtheProfessor;“soitwouldbeanotherAxiom.”
“ItmightbeanAxledum,”Brunosaid:“butitwouldn’tbetrue!”
“IgnoranceofAxioms”,theLecturercontinued,“isagreatdrawbackinlife.
Itwastessomuchtimetohavetosaythemoverandoveragain.
Forinstance,taketheAxiom,’Nothingisgreaterthanitself’;thatis,’Nothingcancontainitself.’
Howoftenyouhearpeoplesay‘Hewassoexcited,hewasquiteunabletocontainhimself.’Why,ofcoursehewasunable!
Theexcitementhadnothingtodowithit!”
“Isay,lookhere,youknow!”saidtheEmperor,whowasgettingalittlerestless.“HowmanyAxiomsareyougoingtogiveus?Atthisrate,wesha’n’tgettotheExperimentstillto-morrow-week!”
“Oh,soonerthanthat,Iassureyou!”theProfessorreplied,lookingupinalarm.“Thereareonly,”(hereferredtohisnotesagain)“onlytwomore,thatarereallynecessary.”
“Read‘emout,andgetontotheSpecimens,”grumbledtheEmperor.
“TheFirstAxiom”,theProfessorreadoutinagreathurry,“consistsofthesewords,’Whateveris,is.’
AndtheSecondconsistsofthesewords,’Whateverisn’t,isn’t.’WewillnowgoontotheSpecimens.
ThefirsttraycontainsCrystalsandotherThings.”
Hedrewittowardshim,andagainreferredtohisnotebook.
“Someofthelabels—owingtoinsufficientadhesion—”Herehestoppedagain,andcarefullyexaminedthepagewithhiseyeglass.
“Ica’n’treadtherestofthesentence,”hesaidatlast,“butitmeansthatthelabelshavecomeloose,andtheThingshavegotmixed—”
“Letmestick‘emonagain!”criedBrunoeagerly,andbeganlickingthem,likepostage-stamps,anddabbingthemdownupontheCrystalsandtheotherThings.
ButtheProfessorhastilymovedthetrayoutofhisreach.
“TheymightgetfixedtothewrongSpecimens,youknow!”hesaid.
“Ooshouldn’thaveanywrongpeppermintsinthetray!”Brunoboldlyreplied.“Shouldhe,Sylvie?”
ButSylvieonlyshookherhead.
TheProfessorheardhimnot.Hehadtakenuponeofthebottles,andwascarefullyreadingthelabelthroughhiseye-glass.
“OurfirstSpecimen”heannounced,asheplacedthebottleinfrontoftheotherThings,“is—thatis,itiscalled—”herehetookitup,andexaminedthelabelagain,asifhethoughtitmighthavechangedsincehelastsawit,“iscalledAquaPura—commonwater—thefluidthatcheers—”
“Hip!Hip!Hip!”theHead-Cookbeganenthusiastically.
“—butnotinebriates!”theProfessorwentonquickly,butonlyjustintimetocheckthe“Hooroar!”whichwasbeginning.
“OursecondSpecimen”,hewenton,carefullyopeningasmalljar,“is—”hereheremovedthelid,andalargebeetleinstantlydartedout,andwithanangrybuzzwentstraightoutofthePavilion,“—is—orrather,Ishouldsay,”lookingsadlyintotheemptyjar,“itwas—acuriouskindofBlueBeetle.
Didanyonehappentoremark—asitwentpast—threebluespotsundereachwing?”
Nobodyhadremarkedthem.
“Ah,well!”theProfessorsaidwithasigh.“It’sapity.
Unlessyouremarkthatkindofthingatthemoment,it’sveryapttogetoverlooked!
ThenextSpecimen,atanyrate,willnotflyaway!
Itis—inshort,orperhaps,morecorrectly,atlength—anElephant.
Youwillobserve—”HerehebeckonedtotheGardenertocomeupontheplatform,andwithhishelpbeganputtingtogetherwhatlookedlikeanenormousdog-kennel,withshorttubesprojectingoutofitonbothsides.
“Butwe’veseenElephantsbefore,”theEmperorgrumbled.
“Yes,butnotthroughaMegaloscope!”theProfessoreagerlyreplied.
“Youknowyouca’n’tseeaFlea,properly,withoutamagnifying-glass—whatwecallaMicroscope.
Well,justinthesameway,youca’n’tseeanElephant,properly—withoutaminimifying-glass.
There’soneineachoftheselittletubes.
AndthisisaMegaloscopeTheGardenerwillnowbringinthenextSpecimen.
Pleaseopenbothcurtains,downattheendthere,andmakewayfortheElephant!”
TherewasageneralrushtothesidesofthePavilionandalleyeswereturnedtotheopenend,watchingforthereturnoftheGardener,whohadgoneawaysinging“HethoughthesawanElephantThatpracticedonaFife!”
Therewassilenceforaminute:andthenhisharshvoicewasheardagaininthedistance.“Helookedagain—comeupthen!
Helookedagain,andfounditwas—woeback!
andfounditwasAletterfromhis—makewaythere!He’sa-coming!”
Andinmarchedorwaddled—itishardtosaywhichistherightword—anElephant,onitshind-legs,andplayingonanenormousfifewhichitheldwithitsfore-feet.
TheProfessorhastilythrewopenalargedoorattheendoftheMegaloscope,andthehugeanimal,atasignalfromtheGardener,droppedthefife,andobedientlytrottedintothemachine,thedoorofwhichwasatonceshutbytheProfessor.
“TheSpecimenisnowreadyforobservation!”heproclaimed.
“ItisexactlythesizeofthecommonMouse—MusCommunis!”
Therewasageneralrushtothetubes,andthespectatorswatchedwithdelighttheminikincreature,asitplayfullycoileditstrunkroundtheProfessor’sextendedfinger,finallytakingitsstanduponthepalmofhishandwhilehecarefullylifteditout,andcarrieditofftoexhibittotheImperialparty.
“Isn’titadarling?”criedBruno.“MayIstrokeit,please?I’lltouchitwellygently!”
TheEmpressinspecteditsolemnlywithhereye-glass.“Itisverysmall,”shesaidinadeepvoice.“Smallerthanelephantsusuallyare,Ibelieve?”
TheProfessorgaveastartofdelightedsurprise.“Why,that’strue!”hemurmuredtohimself.
Thenlouder,turningtotheaudience,“HerImperialHighnesshasmadearemarkwhichisperfectlysensible!”
Andawildcheerarosefromthatvastmultitude.
“ThenextSpecimen”,theProfessorproclaimed,aftercarefullyplacingthelittleelephantinthetray,amongtheCrystalsandotherthings,“isaFlea,whichwewillenlargeforthepurposesofobservation.”
Takingasmallpill-boxfromthetray,headvancedtotheMegaloscope,andreversedallthetubes.“TheSpecimenisready!”
hecried,withhiseyeatoneofthetubes,whilehecarefullyemptiedthepill-boxthroughalittleholeattheside.
“ItisnowthesizeoftheCommonHorse—EquisCommunis!
Therewasanothergeneralrush,tolookthroughthetubes,andthePavilionrangwithshoutsofdelight;throughwhichtheProfessor’sanxioustonescouldscarcelybeheard.“KeepthedooroftheMicroscopeshut!”hecried.
“Ifthecreatureweretoescape,thissize,itwould—”Butthemischiefwasdone.
Thedoorhadswungopen,andinanothermomenttheMonsterhadgotout,andwastramplingdowntheterrified,shriekingspectators.
ButtheProfessor’spresenceofminddidnotdeserthim.“Undrawthosecurtains!”heshouted.Itwasdone.TheMonstergathereditslegstogether,andinonetremendousboundvanishedintothesky.
“Whereisit?”saidtheEmperor,rubbinghiseyes.
“InthenextProvince,Ifancy,”theProfessorreplied.
“Thatjumpwouldtakeitatleastfivemiles!
ThenextthingistoexplainaProcessortwo.
ButIfindthereishardlyroomenoughtooperate—thesmalleranimalisratherinmyway—”
“Whodoeshemean?”BrunowhisperedtoSylvie.
“Hemeansyou!”Sylviewhisperedback.“Hush!”
“Bekindenoughtomove—angularly—tothiscorner,”theProfessorsaid,addressinghimselftoBruno.
Brunohastilymovedhischairinthedirectionindicated.“DidImoveangrilyenough?”heinquired.ButtheProfessorwasoncemoreabsorbedinhisLecture,whichhewasreadingfromhisnote-book.
“Iwillnowexplaintheprocessof—thenameisblotted,I’msorrytosay.
Itwillbeillustratedbyanumberof—of—”hereheexaminedthepagesforsometime,andatlastsaid“Itseemstobeeither‘Experiments’or‘Specimens’”
“LetitbeExperiments,”saidtheEmperor.“We’veseenplentyofSpecimens.”
“Certainly,certainly!”theProfessorassented.“WewillhavesomeExperiments.”
“MayIdothem?”Brunoeagerlyasked.
“Ohdearno!”TheProfessorlookeddismayed.“Ireallydon’tknowwhatwouldhappenifyoudidthem!”
“Nornobodydoosn’tknowwhat’llhappenifoodoosthem!”Brunoretorted.
“OurFirstExperimentrequiresaMachine.Ithastwoknobs—onlytwo—youcancountthem,ifyoulike.”
TheHead-Cooksteppedforwards,countedthem,andretiredsatisfied.
“Nowyoumightpressthosetwoknobstogether—butthat’snotthewaytodoit.OryoumightturntheMachineupside-down—butthat’snotthewaytodoit!”
“Whatarethewaytodoit?”saidBruno,whowaslisteningveryattentively.
TheProfessorsmiledbenignantly.“Ah,yes!”
hesaid,inavoiceliketheheadingofachapter.“TheWayToDoIt!Permitme!”
andinamomenthehadwhiskedBrunouponthetable.
“Idividemysubject”,hebegan,“intothreeparts—”
“IthinkI’llgetdown!”BrunowhisperedtoSylvie.“Itaren’tnicetobedivided!”
“Hehasn’tgotaknife,sillyboy!”Sylviewhisperedinreply.“Standstill!You’llbreakallthebottles!”
“Thefirstpartistotakeholdoftheknobs,”puttingthemintoBruno’shands.
“Thesecondpartis—”Hereheturnedthehandle,and,withaloud“Oh!”
,Brunodroppedboththeknobs,andbeganrubbinghiselbows.
TheProfessorchuckledindelight.“Ithadasensibleeffect.Hadn’tit?”heenquired.
“No,ithadn’tasensibleeffect!”Brunosaidindignantly.“Itwereverysillyindeed.Itjingledmyelbows,anditbangedmyback,anditcrinkledmyhair,anditbuzzedamongmybones!”
“I’msureitdidn’t!”saidSylvie.“You’reonlyinventing,”
“Oodoesn’tknownuffinaboutit!”Brunoreplied.“Oowasn’ttheretosee.Nobodyca’n’tgoamongmybones.Thereisn’troom!”
“OurSecondExperiment”,theProfessorannounced,asBrunoreturnedtohisplace,stillthoughtfullyrubbinghiselbows,“istheproductionofthatseldom-seen-butgreatly-to-be-admiredphenomenon,BlackLight!
YouhaveseenWhiteLight,RedLight,GreenLight,andsoon:butnever,tillthiswonderfulday,haveanyeyesbutmineseenBlackLight!
Thisbox”,carefullyliftingituponthetable,andcoveringitwithaheapofblankets,“isquitefullofit.
ThewayImadeitwasthis—Itookalightedcandleintoadarkcupboardandshutthedoor.
OfcoursethecupboardwasthenfullofYellowLight.
ThenItookabottleofBlackink,andpoureditoverthecandle:and,tomydelight,everyatomoftheYellowLightturnedBlack!
Thatwasindeedtheproudestmomentofmylife!ThenIfilledaboxwithit.
Andnow—wouldanyoneliketogetundertheblanketsandseeit?”
Deadsilencefollowedthisappeal:butatlastBrunosaid“I’llgetunder,ifitwon’tjinglemyelbows.”
Satisfiedonthispoint,Brunocrawledundertheblankets,and,afteraminuteortwo,crawledoutagain,veryhotanddusty,andwithhishairinthewildestconfusion.
“Whatdidyouseeinthebox?”Sylvieeagerlyenquired.
“Isawnuffin!”Brunosadlyreplied.“Itweretoodark!”
Hehasdescribedtheappearanceofthethingexactly!”
theProfessorexclaimedwithenthusiasm.
“BlackLightandNothing,looksoextremelyalike,atfirstsight,thatIdon’twonderhefailedtodistinguishthem!
WewillnowproceedtotheThirdExperiment.”
TheProfessorcamedown,andledthewaytowhereaposthadbeendrivenfirmlyintotheground.
Toonesideofthepostwasfastenedachain,withanironweighthookedontotheendofit,andfromtheothersideprojectedapieceofwhalebone,witharingattheendofit.
“ThisisamostinterestingExperiment!”theProfessorannounced.
“Itwillneedtime,I’mafraid:butthatisatriflingdisadvantage.Nowobserve.
IfIweretounhookthisweight,andletgo,itwouldfalltotheground.Youdonotdenythat?”
Nobodydeniedit.
“Andinthesameway,ifIweretobendthispieceofwhaleboneroundthepost—thus—andputtheringoverthishook—thus—itstaysbent:but,ifIunhookit,itstraightensitselfagain.Youdonotdenythat?”
Again,nobodydeniedit.
“Well,now,supposeweleftthingsjustastheyare,foralongtime.
Theforceofthewhalebonewouldgetexhausted,youknow,anditwouldstaybent,evenwhenyouunhookedit.
Now,whyshouldn’tthesamethinghappenwiththeweight?
Thewhalebonegetssousedtobeingbent,thatitca’n’tstraightenitselfanymore.
Whyshouldn’ttheweightgetsousedtobeingheldup,thatitca’n’tfallanymore?That’swhatIwanttoknow!”
“That’swhatwewanttoknow!”echoedthecrowd.
“Howlongmustwewait?”grumbledtheEmperor.
TheProfessorlookedathiswatch.“Well,Ithinkathousandyearswilldotobeginwith,”hesaid.
“Thenwewillcautiouslyunhooktheweight:and,ifitstillshows(asperhapsitwill)aslighttendencytofall,wewillhookitontothechainagain,andleaveitforanotherthousandyears.”
HeretheEmpressexperiencedoneofthoseflashesofCommonSensewhichwerethesurpriseofallaroundher.“Meanwhilethere’llbetimeforanotherExperiment,”shesaid.
“Therewillindeed!”criedthedelightedProfessor.“Letusreturntotheplatform,andproceedtotheFourthExperiment!”
“ForthisconcludingExperiment,IwilltakeacertainAlkali,orAcid—Iforgetwhich.
Nowyou’llseewhatwillhappenwhenImixitwithSome—”herehetookupabottle,andlookedatitdoubtfully,“—whenImixitwith—withSomething—”
HeretheEmperorinterrupted.“What’sthenameofthestuff?”heasked.
“Idon’trememberthename,”saidtheProfessor:“andthelabelhascomeoff.”
Heemptieditquicklyintotheotherbottle,and,withatremendousbang,bothbottlesflewtopieces,upsettingallthemachines,andfillingthePavilionwiththickblacksmoke.
Isprangtomyfeetinterror,and—andfoundmyselfstandingbeforemysolitaryhearth,wherethepoker,droppingatlastfromthehandofthesleeper,hadknockedoverthetongsandtheshovel,andhadupsetthekettle,fillingtheairwithcloudsofsteam.
Withawearysigh,Ibetookmyselftobed.
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