MeinHerrunrolledthemanuscript,but,tomygreatsurprise,insteadofreadingit,hebegantosingit,inarichmellowvoicethatseemedtoringthroughtheroom. “Onethousandpoundsperannuum CriedTottles.“AndItellyou,flat, Tosay‘theHusbandneedstheWife’ Isnotthewaytorepresentit. ThecrowningjoyofWoman’slife IsMan!”saidTottles(andhemeantit). TheblissfulHoney-moonispast: ThePairhavesettleddownatlast: Mamma-in-lawtheirhomewillshare Andmaketheirhappinesshercare. Goit,mychildren!”(Andtheywentit). “Iratherthinkthiskindoffun Wo’n’tlast!”saidTottles(andhemeantit). Theytookalittlecountry-box— Theylivedalifeofdouble-knocks Acquaintancesbegantocallso: TheirLondonhousewasmuchthesame (Ittookthreehundred,clear,torentit): CriedhappyTottles(andhemeantit). “Contentedwithafrugallot” (HealwaysusedthatphraseatGunter’s) Heboughtahandylittleyacht— Adozenserviceablehunters— thefishingofaHighlandLoch— Asailing-boattocircumventit— “ThesoundingofthatGaelic‘och’ Beatsme!”saidTottles(andhemeantit). Here,withoneofthoseconvulsivestartsthatwakeoneupintheveryactofdroppingofftosleep,IbecameconsciousthatthedeepmusicaltonesthatthrilledmedidnotbelongtoMeinHerr,buttotheFrenchCount. Theoldmanwasstillconningthemanuscript. “Ibegyourpardonforkeepingyouwaiting!”hesaid.‘’IwasjustmakingsurethatIknewtheEnglishforallthewords.Iamquitereadynow.”AndhereadmethefollowingLegend: “InacitythatstandsintheverycentreofAfrica,andisrarelyvisitedbythecasualtourist,thepeoplehadalwaysboughteggs—adailynecessaryinaclimatewhereegg-flipwastheusualdiet—fromaMerchantwhocametotheirgatesonceaweek. Andthepeoplealwaysbidwildlyagainsteachother:sotherewasquitealivelyauctioneverytimetheMerchantcame,andthelastegginhisbasketusedtofetchthevalueoftwoorthreecamels,orthereabouts.Andeggsgotdearereveryweek. Andstilltheydranktheiregg-flip,andwonderedwherealltheirmoneywentto. “Andtherecameadaywhentheyputtheirheadstogether.Andtheyunderstoodwhatdonkeystheyhadbeen. “Andnextday,whentheMerchantcame,onlyoneManwentforth.Andhesaid‘Oh,thouofthehook-noseandthegoggle-eyes,thouofthemeasurelessbeard,howmuchforthatlotofeggs?’ “AndtheMerchantansweredhim‘Icouldlettheehavethatlotattenthousandpiastresthedozen’. “AndtheManchuckledinwardly,andsaid’TenpiastresthedozenIofferthee,andnomore,ohdescendantofadistinguishedgrandfather!’ “AndtheMerchantstrokedhisbeard,andsaid‘Hum!Iwillawaitthecomingofthyfriends.’Sohewaited.AndtheManwaitedwithhim.Andtheywaitedbothtogether.” “Themanuscriptbreaksoffhere,”saidMeinHerr,asherolleditupagain;“butitwasenoughtoopenoureyes. Wesawwhatsimpletonswehadbeen—buyingourScholarsmuchasthoseignorantsavagesboughttheireggs—andtheruinoussystemwasabandoned. Ifonlywecouldhaveabandoned,alongwithit,alltheotherfashionswehadborrowedfromyou,insteadofcarryingthemtotheirlogicalresults!Butitwasnottobe. Whatruinedmycountry,anddrovemefrommyhome,wastheintroduction—intotheArmy,ofallplaces—ofyourtheoryofPoliticalDichotomy!” “ShallItroubleyoutoomuch,”Isaid,“ifIaskyoutoexplainwhatyoumeanby‘theTheoryofPoliticalDichotomy’?” “Notroubleatall!”wasMeinHerr’smostcourteousreply. “Iquiteenjoytalking,whenIgetsogoodalistener. Whatstartedthething,withus,wasthereportbroughttous,byoneofourmosteminentstatesmen,whohadstayedsometimeinEngland,ofthewayaffairsweremanagedthere. Itwasapoliticalnecessity(soheassuredus,andwebelievedhim,thoughwehadneverdiscoveredittillthatmoment)thatthereshouldbetwoParties,ineveryaffairandoneverysubject. InPolitics,thetwoParties,whichyouhadfounditnecessarytoinstitute,werecalled,hetoldus,‘Whigs’and‘Tories’.” “Thatmusthavebeensometimeago?”Iremarked. “Itwassometimeago,”headmitted.“AndthiswasthewaytheaffairsoftheBritishNationweremanaged. (YouwillcorrectmeifImisrepresentit. Idobutrepeatwhatourtravelertoldus.) ThesetwoParties—whichwereinchronichostilitytoeachother—tookturnsinconductingtheGovernment;andtheParty,thathappenednottobeinpower,wascalledthe‘Opposition’,Ibelieve?” “Thatistherightname,”Isaid.“Therehavealways,solongaswehavehadaParliamentatall,twoParties,one‘in’,andone‘out’.” “Well,thefunctionofthe‘Ins’(ifImaysocallthem)wastodothebesttheycouldforthenationalwelfare—insuchthingsasmakingwarorpeace,commercial,treaties,andsoforth?” “Andthefunctionofthe‘Outs’was(soourtravelerassuredus,thoughwewereveryincredulousatfirst)topreventthe‘Ins’fromsucceedinginanyofthesethings?” “Tocriticizeandtoamendtheirproceedings,”Icorrectedhim. “ItwouldbeunpatriotictohindertheGovernmentindoingwhatwasforthegoodoftheNation! WehavealwaysheldaPatriottobethegreatestofheroes,andanunpatrioticspirittobeoneoftheworstofhumanills!” “Excusemeforamoment,”theoldgentlemancourteouslyreplied,takingouthispocket-book. “Ihaveafewmemorandahere,ofacorrespondenceIhadwithourtourist,and,ifyouwillallowme,I’lljustrefreshmymemory—althoughIquiteagreewithyou—itis,asyousay,oneoftheworstofhumanills—”And,hereMeinHerrbegansingingagain: Butoh,theworstofhumanills (PoorTottlesfound)are“littlebills”! And,withnobalanceintheBank, Whatwonderthathisspiritssank? Still,asthemoneyflowedaway, Hewonderedhowonearthshespentit. “Youcostmetwentypoundsaday, Atleast!”criedTottles(andhemeantit). Shesighed.“ThoseDrawingRooms,youknow! Ireallyneverthoughtaboutit: Mammadeclaredweoughttogo— WeshouldbeNobodieswithoutit. Thatdiamond-circletformybrow— Iquitebelievedthatshehadsentit, UntiltheBillcameinjustnow—” “Viper!”criedTottles(andhemeantit). PoorMrs.T.couldbearnomore, Butfaintedflatuponthefloor. Mamma-in-law,withanguishwild Seeks,allinvain,torouseherchild. “Quick!Takethisboxofsmelling-salts! Don’tscoldher,James,oryou’llrepentit, She’sadeargirl,withallherfaults—” “Sheis!”groanedTottles(andhemeantit). “Iwasadonkey”,Tottlescried, “Tochooseyourdaughterformybride! ’Twasyouthatbiduscutadash! ’Tisyouhavebroughtustothissmash! Youdon’tsuggestonesinglething Thatcaninanywaypreventit-” “Thenwhat’stheuseofarguing?” “Shutup!”criedTottles(andhemeantit). OncemoreIstartedintowakefulness,andrealizedthatMeinHerrwasnotthesinger.Hewasstillconsultinghismemoranda. “Itisexactlywhatmyfriendtoldme,”heresumed,afterconningovervariouspapers. “‘Unpatriotic’istheverywordIhadused,inwritingtohim,and‘hinder’istheverywordheusedinhisreply! Allowmetoreadyouaportionofhisletter: “‘Icanassureyou,’hewrites,‘thatunpatrioticasyoumaythinkit,therecognizedfunctionoftheOpposition’istohinderineverymannernotforbiddenbytheLaw,theactionoftheGovernment. Thisprocessiscalled‘LegitimateObstruction’:andthegreatesttriumphthe‘Opposition’caneverenjoy,iswhentheyareabletopointoutthat,owingtotheir‘Obstruction’theGovernmenthavefailedineverythingtheyhavetriedtodoforthegoodoftheNation!’” “Yourfriendhasnotputitquitecorrectly,”Isaid. “TheOppositionwouldnodoubtbegladtopointoutthatthegovernmenthadfailedthroughtheirownfault;butnotthattheyhadfailedonaccountofObstruction!” “Youthinkso?”hegentlyreplied. “Allowmenowtoreadtoyouthisnewspaper-cutting,whichmyfriendenclosedinhisletter. Itispartofthereportofapublicspeech,madebyaStatesmanwhowasatthetimeamemberofthe‘Opposition’: “‘AtthecloseoftheSession,hethoughttheyhadnoreasontobediscontentedwiththefortunesofthecampaign. Theyhadroutedtheenemyateverypoint.Butthepursuitmustbecontinued. Theyhadonlytofollowupadisorderedanddispiritedfoe.’” “Nowtowhatportionofyournationalhistorywouldyouguessthatthespeakerwasreferring?” “Really,thenumberofsuccessfulwarswehavewagedduringthelastcentury”,Ireplied,withaglowofBritishpride,“isfartoogreatformetoguess,withanychanceofsuccess,whichitwaswewerethenengagedin. However,Iwillname‘India’asthemostprobable. TheMutinywasnodoubt,allbutcrushed,atthetimethatspeechwasmade. Whatafine,manly,patrioticspeechitmusthavebeen!” Iexclaimedinanoutburstofenthusiasm. “Youthinkso?”hereplied,inatoneofgentlepity. “Yetmyfriendtellsmethatthe‘disorderedanddispiritedfoe’simplymeanttheStatesmenwhohappenedtobeinpoweratthemoment;thatthe‘pursuit’simplymeant‘Obstruction’;andthatthewords‘theyhadroutedtheenemy’simplymeantthatthe‘Opposition’hadsucceededinhinderingtheGovernmentfromdoinganyoftheworkwhichtheNationhadempoweredthemtodo!” Ithoughtitbesttosaynothing. “Itseemedqueertous,justatfirst,”heresumed,aftercourteouslywaitingaminuteformetospeak:“but,whenoncewehadmasteredtheidea,ourrespectforyourNationwassogreatthatwecarrieditintoeverydepartmentoflife! Itwas‘thebeginningoftheend’withus. Mycountryneverheldupitsheadagain!” Andthepooroldgentlemansigheddeeply. “Letuschangethesubject,”Isaid.“Donotdistressyourself,Ibeg!” “No,no!”hesaid,withanefforttorecoverhimself.“Ihadratherfinishmystory! Thenextstep(afterreducingourGovernmenttoimpotence,andputtingastoptoallusefullegislation,whichdidnottakeuslongtodo)wastointroducewhatwecalled‘thegloriousBritishPrincipleofDichotomy’intoAgriculture. Wepersuadedmanyofthewell-to-dofarmerstodividetheirstaffoflabourersintotwoParties,andtosetthemoneagainsttheother. Theywerecalled,likeourpoliticalParties,the‘Ins’andthe‘Outs’:thebusinessofthe‘Ins’wastodoasmuchofploughing,sowing,orwhatevermightbeneeded,astheycouldmanageinaday,andatnighttheywerepaidaccordingtotheamounttheyhaddone:thebusinessofthe‘Outs’wastohinderthem,andtheywerepaidfortheamounttheyhadhindered. Thefarmersfoundtheyhadtopayonlyhalfasmuchwagesastheydidbefore,andtheydidn’tobservethattheamountofworkdonewasonlyaquarterasmuchaswasdonebefore:sotheytookitupquiteenthusiastically,atfirst.” “Andafterwards?”Ienquired. “Well,afterwardstheydidn’tlikeitquitesowell. Inaveryshorttime,thingssettleddownintoaregularroutine.Noworkatallwasdone. Sothe‘Ins’gotnowages,andthe‘Outs’gotfullpay. Andthefarmersneverdiscovered,tillmostofthemwereruined,thattherascalshadagreedtomanageitso,andhadsharedthepaybetweenthem! Whilethethinglasted,therewerefunnysightstobeseen! Why,I’veoftenwatchedaploughmanwithtwohorsesharnessedtotheplough,doinghisbesttogetitforwards;whiletheopposition-ploughman,withthreedonkeysharnessedattheotherend,wasdoinghisbesttogetitbackwards! Andtheploughnevermovinganinch,eitherway!” “Butweneverdidanythinglikethat!”Iexclaimed. “Simplybecauseyouwerelesslogicalthanwewere,”repliedMeinHerr. “Thereissometimesanadvantageinbeingadonk—Excuseme!Nopersonalallusionintended.Allthishappenedlongago,youknow!” “DidtheDichotomy-Principlesucceedinanydirection?”Ienquired. “Innone,”MeinHerrcandidlyconfessed.“IthadaveryshorttrialinCommerce. Theshop-keeperswouldn’ttakeitup,afteroncetryingtheplanofhavinghalftheattendantsbusyinfoldingupandcarryingawaythegoodswhichtheotherhalfweretryingtospreadoutuponthecounters.TheysaidthePublicdidn’tlikeit!” “Idon’twonderatit,”Iremarked. “Well,wetried‘theBritishPrinciple’forsomeyears. Andtheendofitallwas”Hisvoicesuddenlydropped,almosttoawhisper;andlargetearsbegantorolldownhischeeks. “—theendwasthatwegotinvolvedinawar;andtherewasagreatbattle,inwhichwefarout-numberedtheenemy. Butwhatcouldoneexpect,whenonlyhalfofoursoldierswerefighting,andtheotherhalfpullingthemback? Itendedinacrushingdefeat—anutterrout. ThiscausedaRevolution;andmostoftheGovernmentwerebanished. ImyselfwasaccusedofTreason,forhavingsostronglyadvocated‘theBritishPrinciple’. Mypropertywasallforfeited,and—and—Iwasdrivenintoexile! ‘Nowthemischief’sdone,’theysaid,‘perhapsyou’llkindlyleavethecountry?’ Itnearlybrokemyheart,butIhadtogo!” Themelancholytonebecameawail:thewailbecameachant:thechantbecameasong—thoughwhetheritwasMeinHerrthatwassinging,thistime,orsomebodyelse,Icouldnotfeelcertain. “Andnowthemischief’sdone,perhaps You’llkindlygoandpackyourtraps? Sincetwo(yourdaughterandyourson) AreCompany,butthreearenone. Acourseofsavingwe’llbegin: Whenchangeisneeded,I’llinventit: Don’tthinktoputyourfingerin Thispie!”criedTottles(andhemeantit). Themusicseemedtodieaway.MeinHerrwasagainspeakinginhisordinaryvoice.“Nowtellmeonethingmore,”hesaid. “AmIrightinthinkingthatinyourUniversities,thoughamanmayresidesomethirtyorfortyyears,youexaminehim,onceforall,attheendofthefirstthreeorfour?” “Thatisso,undoubtedly,”Iadmitted. “Practically,then,youexamineamanatthebeginningofhiscareer!” theoldmansaidtohimselfratherthantome. “Andwhatguaranteehaveyouthatheretainstheknowledgeforwhichyouhaverewardedhim—beforehand,asweshouldsay?” “None,”Iadmitted,feelingalittlepuzzledatthedriftofhisremarks.“Howdoyousecurethatobject?” “Byexamininghimattheendofhisthirtyorfortyyears—notatthebeginning,”hegentlyreplied. “Onanaverage,theknowledgethenfoundisaboutone-fifthofwhatitwasatfirst—theprocessofforgettinggoingonataverysteadyuniformrate—andhe,whoforgetsleast,getsmosthonour,andmostrewards.” “Thenyougivehimthemoneywhenheneedsitnolonger?Andyoumakehimlivemostofhislifeonnothing!” “Hardlythat.Hegiveshisorderstothetradesmen:theysupplyhim,forforty,sometimesfiftyyears,attheirownrisk:thenhegetshisFellowship—whichpayshiminoneyearasmuchasyourFellowshipspayinfifty—andthenhecaneasilypayallhisbills,withinterest.” “ButsupposehefailstogethisFellowship?Thatmustoccasionallyhappen.” “Thatoccasionallyhappens.”ItwasMeinHerr’sturn,now,tomakeadmissions. “Andwhatbecomesofthetradesmen?” “Theycalculateaccordingly.Whenamanappearstobegettingalarminglyignorant,orstupid,theywillsometimesrefusetosupplyhimanylonger. Youhavenoideawithwhatenthusiasmamanwillbegintorubuphistensciencesorlanguages,whenhisbutcherhascutsupplyofbeefandmutton!” Theyoungmenwhohavejustcome,brimmingoverwithknowledge. Youwouldthinkitacurioussight,”hewenton,“toseemereboysexaminingsucholdmen. Ihaveknownamansettoexaminehisowngrandfather. Itwasalittlepainfulforbothofthem,nodoubt.Thegentlemanwasasbaldasacoot—” “Howbaldwouldthatbe?”I’venoideawhyIaskedthisquestion.IfeltIwasgettingfoolish. 
