English
Onthefollowingday,ArthurandIreachedtheHallingoodtime,asonlyafewoftheguests—itwastobeapartyofeighteen—hadasyetarrived;andtheseweretalkingwiththeEarl,leavingustheopportunityofafewwordsapartwithourhostess.
“Whoisthatverylearned-lookingmanwiththelargespectacles?”Arthurenquired.“Ihaven’tmethimherebefore,haveI?”
“No,he’sanewfriendofours,”saidLadyMuriel:“aGerman,Ibelieve.Heissuchadearoldthing!
AndquitethemostlearnedmanIevermet—withoneexception,ofcourse!”
sheaddedhumbly,asArthurdrewhimselfupwithanairofoffendeddignity.
“Andtheyoungladyinblue,justbeyondhim,talkingtothatforeign-lookingman.Isshelearned,too?”
“Idon’tknow,”saidLadyMuriel.“ButI’mtoldshe’sawonderfulpiano-forte-player.Ihopeyou’llhearhertonight.
Iaskedthatforeignertotakeherin,becausehe’sverymusical,too.
He’saFrenchCount,Ibelieve;andhesingssplendidly!”
“Science—music—singing—youhaveindeedgotacompleteparty!”saidArthur.“Ifeelquiteaprivilegedperson,meetingallthesestars.Idolovemusic!”
“Butthepartyisn’tquitecomplete!”saidLadyMuriel.
“Youhaven’tbroughtusthosetwobeautifulchildren,”shewenton,turningtome.
“Hebroughtthemheretotea,youknow,onedaylastsummer,”againaddressingArthur:“andtheyaresuchdarlings!”
“Theyare,indeed,”Iassented.
“Butwhyhaven’tyoubroughtthemwithyou?Youpromisedmyfatheryouwould.”
“I’mverysorry,”Isaid;“butreallyitwasimpossibletobringthemwithme.”
HereImostcertainlymeanttoconcludethesentence:anditwaswithafeelingofutteramazement,whichIcannotadequatelydescribe,thatIheardmyselfgoingonspeaking.
“—buttheyaretojoinmehereinthecourseoftheevening”werethewords,utteredinmyvoice,andseemingtocomefrommylips.
“I’msoglad!”LadyMurieljoyfullyreplied.“Ishallenjoyintroducingthemtosomeofmyfriendshere!Whendoyouexpectthem?”
Itookrefugeinsilence.Theonlyhonestreplywouldravebeen“Thatwasnotmyremark.Ididn’tsayit,anditisn’ttrue!”
ButIhadnotthemoralcouragetomakesuchaconfession.
Thecharacterofa“lunatic”isnot,Ibelieve,verydifficulttoacquire:butitisamazinglydifficulttogetridof:anditseemedquitecertainthatanysuchspeechasthatwouldquitejustifytheissueofawrit“delunaticoinquirendo”.
LadyMurielevidentlythoughtIhadfailedtohearherquestion,andturnedtoArthurwitharemarkonsomeothersubject;andIhadtimetorecoverfrommyshockofsurprise—ortoawakeoutofmymomentary“eerie”condition,whicheveritwas.
Whenthingsaroundmeseemedoncemoretobereal,Arthurwassaying“I’mafraidthere’snohelpforit:theymustbefiniteinnumber.”
“Ishouldbesorrytohavetobelieveit,”saidLadyMuriel.
“Yet,whenonecomestothinkofit,therearenonewmelodies,now-a-days.
Whatpeopletalkofas‘thelastnewsong’alwaysrecallstomesometuneI’veknownasachild!”
“Thedaymustcome—iftheworldlastslongenough—”saidArthur,“wheneverypossibletunewillhavebeencomposedeverypossiblepunperpetrated—”(LadyMurielwrungherhands,likeatragedy-queen)“andworsethanthat,everypossiblebookwritten!Forthenumberofwordsisfinite.”
“It’llmakeverylittledifferencetotheauthors,”Isuggested.“Insteadofsaying’whatbookshallIwrite?’anauthorwillaskhimself’whichbookshallIwrite?’Amereverbaldistinction!”
LadyMurielgavemeanapprovingsmile.“Butlunaticswouldalwayswritenewbooks,surely?”shewenton.Theycouldn’twritethesamebooksoveragain!”
“True,”saidArthur.“Buttheirbookswouldcometoanend,also.Thenumberoflunaticbooksisasfiniteasthenumberoflunatics.”
“Andthatnumberisbecominggreatereveryyear,”saidapompousman,whomIrecognizedastheself-appointedshowmanonthedayofthepicnic.
“Sotheysay,”repliedArthur.“And,whenninetypercentofusarelunatics,”(heseemedtobeinawildlynonsensicalmood)“theasylumswillbeputtotheirproperuse.”
“Andthatis?”thepompousmangravelyenquired.
“Toshelterthesane!”saidArthur.“Weshallbarourselvesin.
Thelunaticswillhaveitalltheirownway,outside.
They’lldoitalittlequeerly,nodoubt.
Railway-collisionswillbealwayshappening:steamersalwaysblowingup:mostofthetownswillbeburntdown:mostoftheshipssunk—”
“Andmostofthemenkilled!”murmuredthepompousman,whowasevidentlyhopelesslybewildered.
Certainly,”Arthurassented.“Tillatlasttherewillbefewerlunaticsthansanemen.Thenwecomeout:theygoin:andthingsreturntotheirnormalcondition!”
Thepompousmanfrowneddarkly,andbithislip,andfoldedhisarms,vainlytryingtothinkitout.“Heisjesting!”
hemutteredtohimselfatlast,inatoneofwitheringcontempt,ashestalkedaway.
Bythistimetheotherguestshadarrived;anddinnerwasannounced.
ArthurofcoursetookdownLadyMuriel:andIwaspleasedtofindmyselfseatedatherotherside,withasevere-lookingoldlady(whomIhadnotmetbefore,andwhosenameIhad,asisusualinintroductions,entirelyfailedtocatch,merelygatheringthatitsoundedlikeacompound-name)asmypartnerforthebanquet.
Sheappeared,however,tobeacquaintedwithArthur,andconfidedtomeinalowvoiceheropinionthathewas“averyargumentativeyoungman”.
Arthur,forhispart,seemedwellinclinedtoshowhimselfworthyofthecharactershehadgivenhim,and,hearinghersay“Inevertakewinewithmysoup!”
(thiswasnotaconfidencetome,butwaslauncheduponSociety,asamatterofgeneralinterest),heatoncechallengedacombatbyaskingher“whenwouldyousaythatpropertycommenceinaplateofsoup?”
“Thisismysoup,”shesternlyreplied:“andwhatisbeforeyouisyours.”
“Nodoubt,”saidArthur:“butwhendidIbegintoownit?
Uptothemomentofitsbeingputintotheplate,itwasthepropertyofourhost:whilebeingofferedroundthetable,itwas,letussay,heldintrustbythewaiter:diditbecomeminewhenIacceptedit?Orwhenitwasplacedbeforeme?OrwhenItookthefirstspoonful?”
“Heisaveryargumentativeyoungman!”wasalltheoldladywouldsay:butshesaiditaudibly,thistime,feelingthatSocietyhadarighttoknowit.
Arthursmiledmischievously.“Ishouldn’tmindbettingyouashilling”,hesaid,“thattheEminentBarristernextyou”(Itcertainlyispossibletosaywordssoastomakethembeginwithcapitals!)“ca’n’tanswerme!”
“Ineverbet,”shesternlyreplied.
“Notevensixpennypointsatwhist?”
“Never!”sherepeated.“Whistisinnocentenough:butwhistplayedformoney!”Sheshuddered.
Arthurbecameseriousagain.“I’mafraidIca’n’ttakethatview,”hesaid.
“Iconsiderthattheintroductionofsmallstakesforcard-playingwasoneofthemostmoralactsSocietyeverdid,asSociety.”
“Howwasitso?”saidLadyMuriel.
“BecauseittookCards,onceforall,outofthecategoryofgamesatwhichcheatingispossible.
LookatthewayCroquetisdemoralizingSociety.
Ladiesarebeginningtocheatatit,terribly:and,ifthey’refoundout,theyonly,laugh,andcallitfun.
Butwhenthere’smoneyatstakethatisoutofthequestion.Theswindlerisnotacceptedasawit.
Whenamansitsdowntocards,andcheatshisfriendsoutoftheirmoney,hedoesn’tgetmuchfunoutofit—unlesshethinksitfuntobekickeddownstairs!”
“Ifallgentlementhoughtasbadlyofladiesasyoudo,”myneighbourremarkedwithsomebitterness,“therewouldbeveryfew—veryfew—”.
Sheseemeddoubtfulhowtoendhersentence,butatlasttook“honeymoons”asasafeword.
“Onthecontrary,”saidArthur,themischievoussmilereturningtohisface,“ifonlypeoplewouldadoptmytheory,thenumberofhoneymoons—quiteofanewkind—wouldbegreatlyincreased!”
“Maywehearaboutthisnewkindofhoneymoon?”saidLadyMuriel.
“LetXbethegentleman,”Arthurbegan,inaslightlyraisedvoice,ashenowfoundhimselfwithanaudienceofsix,including“MeinHerr”,whowasseatedattheothersideofmypolynomialpartner.
“LetXbethegentleman,andYtheladytowhomhethinksofproposing.
HeappliesforanExperimentalHoneymoon.Itisgranted.
Forthwiththeyoungcoupleaccompaniedbythegreat-auntofY,toactaschaperone—startforamonth’stour,duringwhichtheyhavemanyamoonlight-walk,andmanyatête-á-têteconversation,andeachcanformamorecorrectestimateoftheother’scharacter,infourweeks,thanwouldhavebeenpossibleinasmanyyears,whenmeetingundertheordinaryrestrictionsofSociety.
AnditisonlyaftertheirreturnthatXfinallydecideswhetherhewill,orwillnot,putthemomentousquestiontoY!”
“Inninecasesoutoften”,thepompousmanproclaimed,“hewoulddecidetobreakitoff!”
“Theninninecasesoutoften,”Arthurrejoined,“anunsuitablematchwouldbeprevented,andbothpartiessavedfrommisery!”
“Theonlyreallyunsuitablematches”,theoldladyremarked,“arethosemadewithoutsufficientMoney.Lovemaycomeafterwards.Moneyisneededtobeginwith!”
ThisremarkwascastlooseuponSociety,asasortofgeneralchallenge;and,assuch,itwasatonceacceptedbyseveralofthosewithinhearing:Moneybecamethekeynoteoftheconversationforsometime:andafitfulechoofitwasagainheard,whenthedesserthadbeenplaceduponthetable,theservantshadlefttheroom,andtheEarlhadstartedthewineinitswelcomeprogressroundthetable.
“I’mverygladtoseeyoukeepuptheoldcustoms,”IsaidtoLadyMurielasIfilledherglass.
“It’sreallydelightfultoexperience,oncemore,thepeacefulfeelingthatcomesoveronewhenthewaitershavelefttheroom—whenonecanconversewithoutthefeelingofbeingoverheard,andwithouthavingdishesconstantlythrustoverone’sshoulder.
Howmuchmoresociableitistobeabletopouroutthewinefortheladies,andtohandthedishestothosewhowishforthem!”
“Inthatcase,kindlysendthosepeachesdownhere,”saidafatred-facedman,whowasseatedbeyondourpompousfriend.“I’vebeenwishingforthem—diagonally—forsometime!”
“Yes,itisaghastlyinnovation”,LadyMurielreplied,“lettingthewaiterscarryroundthewineatdessert.
Foronething,theyalwaystakeitthewrongwayround—whichofcoursebringsbadlucktoeverybodypresent!”
“Bettergothewrongwaythannotgoatall!”saidourhost.“Wouldyoukindlyhelpyourself?”(Thiswastothefatred-facedman.)“Youarenotateetotaler,Ithink?”
“IndeedbutIam!”hereplied,ashepushedonthebottles.
“NearlytwiceasmuchmoneyisspentinEnglandonDrink,asonanyotherarticleoffood.Readthiscard.”
(Whatfaddistevergoesaboutwithoutapocketfuloftheappropriateliterature?)
“Thestripesofdifferentcoloursrepresenttheamountsspentofvariousarticlesoffood.Lookatthehighestthree.
Moneyspentonbutterandoncheese,thirty-fivemillions:onbread,seventymillions:onintoxicatingliquors,onehundredandthirty-sixmillions!
IfIhadmyway,Iwouldcloseeverypublic-houseintheland!Lookatthatcard,andreadthemotto.That’swhereallthemoneygoesto!”
“HaveyouseentheAnti-TeetotalCard?”Arthurinnocentlyenquired.
“No,Sir,Ihavenot!”theoratorsavagelyreplied.“Whatisitlike?”
“Almostexactlylikethisone.Thecolouredstripesarethesame.
Only,insteadofthewords‘Moneyspenton’,ithas‘Incomesderivedfromsaleof’;and,insteadof‘That’swhereallthemoneygoesto’,itsmottois’That’swhereallthemoneycomesfrom!’”
Thered-facedmanscowled,butevidentlyconsideredArthurbeneathhisnotice.SoLadyMurieltookupthecudgels.
“Doyouholdthetheory”,sheenquired,“thatpeoplecanpreachteetotalismmoreeffectuallybybeingteetotalersthemselves?”
“CertainlyIdo!”repliedthered-facedman.
“Now,hereisacaseinpoint,”unfoldinganewspaper-cutting:“letmereadyouthisletterfromateetotaler.TotheEditor.
Sir,Iwasonceamoderatedrinker,andknewamanwhodranktoexcess.Iwenttohim.‘Giveupthisdrink,’Isaid.‘Itwillruinyourhealth!’
‘Youdrink,’hesaid:‘whyshouldn’tI?’
‘Yes,’Isaid,‘butIknowwhentoleaveoff.’Heturnedawayfromme.
‘Youdrinkinyourway,’hesaid:‘letmedrinkinmine.Beoff!’
ThenIsawthat,todoanygoodwithhim,Imustforsweardrink.
Fromthathourlhaven’ttouchedadrop!”
“There!Whatdoyousaytothat?”Helookedroundtriumphantly,whilethecuttingwashandedroundforinspection.
“Howverycurious!”exclaimedArthurwhenithadreachedhim.“Didyouhappentoseealetter,lastweek,aboutearlyrising?Itwasstrangelylikethisone.”
Thered-facedman’scuriositywasroused.“Wherediditappear?”heasked.
“Letmereadittoyou,”saidArthur.Hetooksomepapersfromhispocket,openedoneofthem,andreadasfollows.TotheEditor.
Sir,Iwasonceamoderatesleeper,andknewamanwhoslepttoexcess.Ipleadedwithhim.Giveupthislyinginbed,’Isaid.‘Itwillruinyourhealth!’
Yougotobed,’hesaid:‘whyshouldn’tI?’
‘Yes,’Isaid,butIknowwhentogetupinthemorning.’Heturnedawayfromme.
‘Yousleepinyourway,’hesaid:‘letmesleepinmine.Beoff!’
ThenIsawthattodoanygoodwithhim,Imustforswearsleep.FromthathourIhaven’tbeentobed!”
Arthurfoldedandpocketedhispaper,andpassedonthenewspaper-cutting.Noneofusdaredtolaugh,thered-facedmanwasevidentlysoangry.“Yourparalleldoesn’trunonallfours!”hesnarled.
“Moderatedrinkersneverdoso!”Arthurquietlyreplied.Eventhesternoldladylaughedatthis.
“Butitneedsmanyotherthingstomakeaperfectdinner!”saidLadyMuriel,evidentlyanxioustochangethesubject.“MeinHerr!Whatisyourideaofaperfectdinnerparty?”
Theoldmanlookedaroundsmilingly,andhisgiganticspectaclesseemedmoregiganticthanever.“Aperfectdinner-party?”herepeated.“First,itmustbepresidedoverbyourpresenthostess!”
“Thatofcourse!”shegailyinterposed.“Butwhatelse,MeinHerr?”
“IcanbuttellyouwhatIhaveseen,”saidMeinHerr,inmineown—inthecountryIhavetraveledin.”
Hepausedforafullminute,andgazedsteadilyattheceiling—withsodreamyanexpressiononhisface,thatIfearedhewasgoingoffintoareverie,whichseemedtobehisnormalstate.
However,afteraminute,hesuddenlybeganagain.
“Thatwhichchieflycausesthefailureofadinner-partyistherunning-short—notofmeat,noryetofdrink,butofconversation.”
“InanEnglishdinner-party”,Iremarked,“Ihaveneverknownsmall-talkrunshort!”
“Pardonme,”MeinHerrrespectfullyreplied,“Ididnotsay‘small-talk’.Isaid‘conversation’.
Allsuchtopicsastheweather,orpolitics,orlocalgossip,areamongus.Theyareeithervapidorcontroversial.
Whatweneedforconversationisatopicofinterestandofnovelty.
Tosecurethesethingswehavetriedvariousplans—Moving-Pictures,Wild-Creatures,Moving-Guests,andaRevolving-Humorist.
Butthislastisonlyadaptedtosmallparties.”
“LetushaveitinfourseparateChapters,please!”
saidLadyMuriel,whowasevidentlydeeplyinterested—asindeed,mostofthepartywere,bythistime:and,alldownthetable,talkhadceased,andheadswereleaningforwards,eagertocatchfragmentsofMeinHerr’soration.
“ChapterOne!Moving-Pictures!”wasproclaimedinthesilveryvoiceofourhostess.
“Thedining-tableisshapedlikeacircularring,”MeinHerrbegan,inlowdreamytones,which,however,wereperfectlyaudibleinthesilence.
“Theguestsareseatedattheinnersideaswellastheouter,havingascendedtotheirplacesbyawinding-staircase,fromtheroombelow.
Alongthemiddleofthetablerunsalittlerailway;andthereisanendlesstrainoftrucks,workedroundbymachinery;andoneachtrucktherearetwopictures,leaningbacktoback.
Thetrainmakestwocircuitsduringdinner;and,whenithasbeenonceround,thewaitersturnthepicturesroundineachtruck,makingemfacetheotherway.Thuseveryguestseeseverypicture!”
Hepaused,andthesilenceseemeddeaderthanever.LadyMuriellookedaghast.
“Really,ifthisgoeson,”sheexclaimed,“Ishallhavetodropapin!Oh,it’smyfault,isit?”
(InanswertoanappealinglookfromMeinHerr.)“Iwasforgettingmyduty.ChapterTwo!Wild-Creatures!”
“WefoundtheMoving-Picturesalittlemonotonous,”saidMeinHerr.
“Peopledidn’tcaretotalkArtthroughawholedinner;sowetriedWild-Creatures.
Amongtheflowers,whichwelaid(justasyoudo)aboutthetable,weretobeseen,hereamouse,thereabeetle;hereaspider”(LadyMurielshuddered),“thereawasp;hereatoad,thereasnake”;(”Father!”saidLadyMuriel,plaintively.“Didyouhearthat?”);“sowehadplentytotalkabout!”
“Andwhenyougotstung—”theoldladybegan.“Theywereallchained-up,dearMadam!”
Andtheoldladygaveasatisfiednod.
Therewasnosilencetofollow,thistime.“ThirdChapter!”LadyMurielproclaimedatonce.“Moving-Guests!”
“EventheWild-Creaturesprovedmonotonous,”theoratorproceeded.
“Soweleftthegueststochoosetheirownsubjects;and,toavoidmonotony,wechangedthem.
wemadethetableoftworings;andtheinnerringmovedslowlyround,allthetime,alongwiththefloorinthemiddleandtheinnerrowofguests.
Thuseverydinnerguestwasbroughtface-to-facewitheveryouterguest.
Itwasalittleconfusing,sometimes,tohavetobeginastorytoonefriendandfinishittoanother;buteveryplanhasitsfaults,youknow.”
“FourthChapter!”LadyMurielhastenedtoannounce.“TheRevolving-Humorist!”
“Forasmallpartywefounditanexcellentplantohavearoundtable,withaholecutinthemiddlelargeenoughtoholdoneguest.Hereweplacedourbesttalker.
Herevolvedslowly,facingeveryotherguestinturn:andhetoldlivelyanecdotesthewholetime!”
“Ishouldn’tlikeit!”murmuredthepompousman.
“Itwouldmakemegiddy,revolvinglikethat!
Ishoulddeclineto—”hereitappearedtodawnuponhimthatperhapstheassumptionhewasmakingwasnotwarrantedbythecircumstances:hetookahastygulpofwine,andchokedhimself.
ButMeinHerrhadrelapsedintoreverie,andmadenofurtherremark.LadyMurielgavethesignal,andtheladieslefttheroom.
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