English
“FayfieldJunction!ChangeforElveston!”
Whatsubtlememorycouldtherebe,linkedtothesecommonplacewords,thatcausedsuchafloodofhappythoughtstofillmybrain?
IdismountedfromthecarriageinastateofjoyfulexcitementforwhichIcouldnotatfirstaccount.
True,Ihadtakenthisveryjourney,andatthesamehouroftheday,sixmonthsago;butmanythingshadhappenedsincethen,andanoldman’smemoryhasbutaslenderholdonrecentevents:Isought“themissinglink”invain.
SuddenlyIcaughtsightofabench—theonlyoneprovidedonthecheerlessplatform—withaladyseatedonit,andthewholeforgottensceneflasheduponmeasvividlyasifitwerehappeningoveragain.
“Yes,”Ithought.“Thisbareplatformis,forme,richwiththememoryofadearfriend!
Shewassittingonthatverybench,andinvitedmetoshareit,withsomequotationfromShakespeare—Iforgetwhat.
I’lltrytheEarl’splanfortheDramatizationofLife,andfancythatfiguretobeLadyMuriel;andIwo’n’tundeceivemyselftoosoon!”
SoIstrolledalongtheplatform,resolutely“makingbelieve”(aschildrensay)thatthecasualpassenger,seatedonthatbench,wastheLadyMurielIrememberedsowell.
Shewasfacingawayfromme,whichaidedtheelaboratecheateryIwaspracticingonmyself:but,thoughIwascareful,inpassingthespot,tolooktheotherway,inordertoprolongthepleasantillusion,itwasinevitablethat,whenIturnedtowalkbackagain,Ishouldseewhoitwas.ItwasLadyMurielherself!
Thewholescenenowreturnedvividlytomymemory;and,tomakethisrepetitionofitstrangerstill,therewasthesameoldman,whomIrememberedseeingsoroughlyorderedoff,bytheStation-Master,tomakeroomforhistitledpassenger.
Thesame,but“withadifference”:nolongertotteringfeeblyalongtheplatform,butactuallyseatedatLadyMuriel’sside,andinconversationwithher!
“Yes,putitinyourpurse,”shewassaying,“andrememberyou’retospenditallforMinnie.
Andmindyoubringhersomethingnice,that’lldoherrealgood!Andgivehermylove!”
Sointentwassheonsayingthesewords,that,althoughthesoundofmyfootstephadmadeherliftherheadandlookatme,shedidnotatfirstrecognizeme.
IraisedmyhatasIapproached,andthenthereflashedacrossherfaceagenuinelookofjoy,whichsoexactlyrecalledthesweetfaceofSylvie,whenlastwemetinKensingtonGardens,thatIfeltquitebewildered.
Ratherthandisturbthepooroldmanatherside,sherosefromherseat,andjoinedmeinmywalkupanddowntheplatform,andforaminuteortwoourconversationwasasutterlytrivialandcommonplaceasifweweremerelytwocasualguestsinaLondondrawing-room.
Eachofusseemedtoshrink,justatfirst,fromtouchingonthedeeperinterestswhichlinkedourlivestogether.
TheElvestontrainhaddrawnupattheplatform,whilewetalked;and,inobediencetotheStationMaster’sobsequioushintof“Thisway,myLady!Time’sup!”
,weweremakingthebestofourwaytowardstheendwhichcontainedthesolefirst-classcarriage,andwerejustpassingthenow-emptybench,whenLadyMurielnoticed,lyingonit,thepurseinwhichhergifthadjustbeensocarefullybestowed,theownerofwhich,allunconsciousofhisloss,wasbeinghelpedintoacarriageattheotherendofthetrain.Shepouncedonitinstantly.“Pooroldman!”
shecried.
“Hemustn’tgooff,andthinkhe’slostit!”
“Letmerunwithit!Icangoquickerthanyou!”Isaid.
Butshewasalreadyhalf-waydowntheplatformflying(”running”ismuchtoomundaneawordforsuchfairy-likemotion)atapacethatleftallpossibleeffortsofminehopelesslyintherear.
ShewasbackagainbeforeIhadwellcompletedmyaudaciousboastofspeedinrunning,andwassaying,quitedemurely,asweenteredourcarriage,“andyoureallythinkyoucouldhavedoneitquicker?”
“No,indeed!”Ireplied.“Iplead‘Guilty’ofgrossexaggeration,andthrowmyselfonthemercyoftheCourt!”
“TheCourtwilloverlookit—forthisonce!”Thenhermannersuddenlychangedfromplayfulnesstoananxiousgravity.
“Youarenotlookingyourbest!”shesaidwithananxiousglance.“Infact,Ithinkyoulookmoreofaninvalidthanwhenyouleftus.IverymuchdoubtifLondonagreeswithyou?”
“ItmaybetheLondonair,”Isaid,“oritmaybethehardwork—ormyratherlonelylife:anyhow,I’venotbeenfeelingverywell,lately.ButElvestonwillsoonsetmeupagain.
Arthur’sprescription—he’smydoctor,youknow,andIheardfromhimthismorning—is‘plentyofozone,andnewmilk,andpleasantsociety’!”
“Pleasantsociety?”saidLadyMuriel,withaprettymake-believeofconsideringthequestion.
“Well,reallyIdon’tknowwherewecanfindthatforyou!Wehavesofewneighbours.Butnewmilkwecanmanage.
DogetitofmyoldfriendMrs.Hunter,upthere,onthehill-side.Youmayrelyuponthequality.
AndherlittleBessiecomestoschooleveryday,andpassesyourlodgings.Soitwouldbeveryeasytosendit.”
“I’llfollowyouradvicewithpleasure,”Isaid;“andI’llgoandarrangeaboutitto-morrow.IknowArthurwillwantawalk.”
“You’llfinditquiteaneasywalk—underthreemiles,Ithink.”
“Well,nowthatwe’vesettledthatpoint,letmeretortyourownremarkuponyourself.Idon’tthinkyou’relookingquiteyourbest!”
“Idaresaynot,”sherepliedinalowvoice;andasuddenshadowseemedtooverspreadherface.“I’vehadsometroubleslately.
It’samatteraboutwhichI’vebeenlongwishingtoconsultyou,butIcouldn’teasilywriteaboutit.I’msogladtohavethisopportunity!”
“Doyouthink”,shebeganagain,afteraminute’ssilence,andwithavisibleembarrassmentofmannermostunusualinher,“thatapromise,deliberatelyandsolemnlygiven,isalwaysbindingexcept,ofcourse,whereitsfulfillmentwouldinvolvesomeactualsin?”
“Ica’n’tthinkofanyotherexceptionatthismoment,”Isaid.“Thatbranchofcasuistryisusually,Ibelieve,treatedasaquestionoftruthanduntruth—”
“Surelythatistheprinciple?”sheeagerlyinterrupted.“IalwaysthoughttheBible-teachingaboutitconsistedofsuchtexts‘lienotonetoanother’?”
“Ihavethoughtaboutthatpoint,”Ireplied;“anditseemstomethattheessenceoflyingistheintentionofdeceiving.
Ifyougiveapromise,fullyintendingtofulfillit,youarecertainlyactingtruthfullythen;and,ifyouafterwardsbreakit,thatdoesnotinvolveanydeceptionIcannotcallituntruthful.”
Anotherpauseofsilenceensued.LadyMuriel’sfacewashardtoread:shelookedpleased,Ithought,butalsopuzzled;andIfeltcurioustoknowwhetherherquestionhad,asIbegantosuspect,somebearingonthebreakingoffofherengagementwithCaptain(nowMajor)Lindon.
“Youhaverelievedmefromagreatfear,”shesaid“butthethingisofcoursewrong,somehow.Whattextswouldyouquote,toproveitwrong?”
“Anythatenforcethepaymentofdebts.IfApromisessomethingtoB,BhasaclaimuponA.AndA’ssin,ifhebreakshispromise,seemstomemoreanalogoustostealingthantolying.”
“It’sanewwayoflookingatit—tome,”shesaid;“butitseemsatrueway,also.
However,Iwo’n’tdealingeneralities,withanoldfriendlikeyou!Forweareoldfriendssomehow.
Doyouknow,Ithinkwebeganasoldfriends?’
shesaidwithaplayfulnessoftonethatillaccordedwiththetearsthatglistenedinhereyes.
“Thankyouverymuchforsayingso,”Ireplied.
“Iliketothinkofyouasanoldfriend,”(“—thoughyoudon’tlookit!”
wouldhavebeenthealmostnecessarysequence,withanyotherlady;butsheandIseemedtohavelongpassedoutofthetimewhencompliments,oranysuchtrivialities,werepossible).
Herethetrainpausedatastation,wheretwoorthreepassengersenteredthecarriage;sonomorewassaidtillwehadreachedourjourney’send.
OnourarrivalatElveston,shereadilyadoptedmysuggestionthatweshouldwalkuptogether;so,assoonasourluggagehadbeendulytakenchargeof—hersbytheservantwhometheratthestation,andminebyoneoftheporters—wesetouttogetheralongthefamiliarlanes,nowlinkedinmymemorywithsomanydelightfulassociations.
LadyMurielatoncerecommencedtheconversationatthepointwhereithadbeeninterrupted.
“YouknewofmyengagementtomycousinEric.Didyoualsohear—”
“Yes,”Iinterrupted,anxioustospareherthepainofgivinganydetails.“Iheardithadallcometoanend.”
“Iwouldliketotellyouhowithappened,”shesaid;“asthatistheverypointIwantyouradviceabout.
Ihadlongrealizedthatwewerenotinsympathyinreligiousbelief.
HisideasofChristianityareveryshadowy;andevenastotheexistenceofaGodhelivesinasortofdreamland.Butithasnotaffectedhislife!
Ifeelsure,now,thatthemostabsoluteAtheistmaybeleading,thoughwalkingblindfold,apureandnoblelife.
Andifyouknewhalfthegooddeeds—”shebrokeoffsuddenly,andturnedawayherhead.
“Ientirelyagreewithyou,”Isaid.“AndhavewenotourSaviour’sownpromisethatsuchalifeshallsurelyleadtothelight?”
“Yes,Iknowit,”shesaidinabrokenvoice,stillkeepingherheadturnedaway.“AndsoItoldhim.
Hesaidhewouldbelieve,formysake,ifhecould.
Andhewishedformysake,hecouldseethingsasIdid.Butthatisallwrong!”shewentonpassionately.
“Godcannotapprovesuchlowmotivesasthat!StillitwasnotIthatbrokeitoff.
Iknewhelovedme;andIhadpromised;and—’
“Thenitwashethatbrokeitoff?”
“Hereleasedmeunconditionally.”Shefacedmeagainnow,havingquiterecoveredherusualcalmnessofmanner.
“Thenwhatdifficultyremains?”
“Itisthis,thatIdon’tbelievehediditofhisownfreewill.
Now,supposinghediditagainsthiswill,merelytosatisfymyscruples,wouldnothisclaimonmeremainjustasstrongasever?
Andwouldnotmypromisebeasbindingasever?
Myfathersays‘no’;butIca’n’thelpfearingheisbiasedbyhisloveforme.AndI’veaskednooneelse.
Ihavemanyfriends—friendsforthebrightsunnyweather;notfriendsforthecloudsandstormsoflife;notoldfriendslikeyou!”
“Letmethinkalittle,”Isaid:andforsome.
minuteswewalkedoninsilence,while,painedtotheheartatseeingthebittertrialthathadcomeuponthispureandgentlesoul,Istroveinvaintoseemywaythroughthetangledskeinofconflictingmotives.
“Ifsheloveshimtruly”,(Iseemedatlasttograspthecluetotheproblem)“isnotthat,forherthevoiceofGod?
Mayshenothopethatsheissenttohim,evenasAnaniaswassenttoSaulinhisblindness,thathemayreceivehissight.
OncemoreIseemedtohearArthurwhisperingWhatknowestthou,Owife,whetherthoushaltsavethyhusband?”
andIbrokethesilencewiththewords“Ifyoustilllovehimtruly—”
“Idonot!”shehastilyinterrupted.“Atleast—notinthatway.
IbelieveIlovedhimwhenIpromised,butIwasveryyoung:itishardtoknow.
But,whateverthefeelingwas,itisdeadnow.
ThemotiveonhissideisLove:onmineitis—Duty!”
Againtherewasalongsilence.Thewholeskeinofthoughtwastangledworsethanever.Thistimeshebrokethesilence.“Don’tmisunderstandme!”shesaid.
“WhenIsaidmyheartwasnothis,Ididnotmeanitwasanyoneelse’s!
AtpresentIfeelboundtohim;and,tillIknowIamabsolutelyfree,inthesightofGod,toloveanyotherthanhim,I’llnevereventhinkofanyoneelse—inthatway,Imean.Iwoulddiesooner!”
Ihadneverimaginedmygentlefriendcapableofsuchpassionateutterances.
IventuredonnofurtherremarkuntilwehadnearlyarrivedattheHall-gate;but,thelongerIreflected,thecleareritbecametomethatnocallofDutydemandedthesacrifice—possiblyofthehappinessofalife—whichsheseemedreadytomake.
Itriedtomakethiscleartoheralso,addingsomewarningsonthedangersthatsurelyawaitedaunioninwhichmutuallovewaswanting.
“Theonlyargumentforit,worthconsidering,”Isaidinconclusion,“seemstobehissupposedreluctanceinreleasingyoufromyourpromise.
Ihavetriedtogivetothatargumentitsfullweight,andmyconclusionisthatitdoesnotaffecttherightsofthecase,orinvalidatethereleasehehasgivenyou.
Mybeliefisthatyouareentirelyfreetoactasnowseemsright.”
“Iamverygratefultoyou,”shesaidearnestly.“Believeit,please!Ica’n’tputitintoproperwords!”
andthesubjectwasdroppedbymutualconsentandIonlylearned,longafterwards,thatourdiscussionhadreallyservedtodispelthedoubtsthathadharassedhersolong.
WepartedattheHall-gate,andIfoundArthureagerlyawaitingmyarrival;and,beforewepartedforthenight,Ihadheardthewholestory—howhehadputoffhisjourneyfromdaytoday,feelingthathecouldnotgoawayfromtheplacetillhisfatehadbeenirrevocablysettledbytheweddingtakingplace:howthepreparationsforthewedding,andtheexcitementintheneighbourhood,hadsuddenlycometoanend,andhehadlearned(fromMajorLindon,whocalledtowishhimgood-bye)thattheengagementhadbeenbrokenoffbymutualconsent:howhehadinstantlyabandonedallhisplansforgoingabroad,andhaddecidedtostayonatElveston,forayearortwoatanyrate,tillhisnewly-awakenedhopesshouldprovetrueorfalse;andhow,sincethatmemorableday,hehadavoidedallmeetingswithLadyMuriel,fearingtobetrayhisfeelingsbeforehehadhadanysufficientevidenceastohowsheregardedhim.
“Butitisnearlysixweekssinceallthathappened,”hesaidinconclusion,“andwecanmeetintheordinaryway,now,withnoneedforanypainfulallusions.
Iwouldhavewrittentotellyouallthis:onlyIkepthopingfromdaytodaythat—thattherewouldbemoretotell!”
“Andhowshouldtherebemore,youfoolishfellow,”Ifondlyurged,“ifyouneverevengonearher?Doyouexpecttheoffertocomefromher?”
Arthurwasbetrayedintoasmile.“No,”hesaid,“Ihardlyexpectthat.ButI’madesperatecoward.Theresnodoubtaboutit!”
“Andwhatreasonshaveyouheardofforbreakingofftheengagement?”
“Agoodmany,”Arthurreplied,andproceededtocountthemonhisfingers.
“First,itwasfoundthatshewasdyingof—something;sohebrokeitoff.
Thenitwasfoundthathewasdyingof—someotherthing;soshebrokeitoff.
ThentheMajorturnedouttobeaconfirmedgamester;sotheEarlbrokeitoff.
ThentheEarlinsultedhim;sotheMajorbrokeitoff.
Itgotagooddealbrokenoff,allthingsconsidered!”
“Youhaveallthisontheverybestauthority,ofcourse?”
“Oh,certainly!Andcommunicatedinthestrictestconfidence!WhateverdefectsElvestonsocietysuffersfromwantofinformationisn’toneofthem!”
“Norreticence,either,itseems.But,seriously,doyouknowtherealreason?”
“No,I’mquiteinthedark.”
IdidnotfeelthatIhadanyrighttoenlightenhim;soIchangedthesubject,tothelessengrossingoneof“newmilk”,andweagreedthatIshouldwalkover,nextdaytoHunter’sfarm,Arthurundertakingtosetmepartoftheway,afterwhichhehadtoreturntokeepabusinessengagement.
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