English
LadyMurielwasthespeaker.And,forthemoment,thatwastheonlyfactIcouldclearlyrealize.
ButhowshecametobethereandhowIcametobethere—andhowtheglassofchampagnecametobethere—allthesewerequestionswhichIfeltitbettertothinkoutinsilence,andnotcommitmyselftoanystatementtillIunderstoodthingsalittlemoreclearly.
‘FirstaccumulateamassofFacts:andthenconstructaTheory.’That,Ibelieve,isthetrueScientificMethod.Isatup,rubbedmyeves,andbegantoaccumulateFacts.
Asmoothgrassyslope,bounded,attheupperend,byvenerableruinshalfburiedinivy,atthelower,byastreamseenthrougharchingtrees—adozengaily-dressedpeople,seatedinlittlegroupshereandthere—someopenhampers—thedebrisofapicnic—suchweretheFactsaccumulatedbytheScientificResearcher.
Andnow,whatdeep,far-reachingTheorywashetoconstructfromthem?TheResearcherfoundhimselfatfault.Yetstay!OneFacthadescapedhisnotice.
Whilealltherestweregroupedintwosandinthrees,Arthurwasalone:whilealltonguesweretalking,hiswassilent:whileallfacesweregay,hiswasgloomyanddespondent.HerewasaFactindeed!
TheResearcherfeltthataTheorymustbeconstructedwithoutdelay.
LadyMurielhadjustrisenandlefttheparty.Couldthatbethecauseofhisdespondency?TheTheoryhardlyrosetothedignityofaWorkingHypothesis.ClearlymoreFactswereneeded.
TheResearcherlookedroundhimoncemore:andnowtheFactsaccumulatedinsuchbewilderingprofusion,thattheTheorywaslostamongthem.
ForLadyMurielhadgonetomeetastrangegentleman,justvisibleinthedistance:andnowshewasreturningwithhim,bothofthemtalkingeagerlyandjoyfully,likeoldfriendswhohavebeenlongparted:andnowshewasmovingfromgrouptogroup,introducingthenewheroofthehour:andhe,young,tall,andhandsome,movedgracefullyatherside,withtheerectbearingandfirmtreadofasoldier.
Verily,theTheorylookedgloomyforArthur!
Hiseyecaughtmine,andhecrossedtome.
“Heisveryhandsome,”Isaid.
“Abominablyhandsome!”mutteredArthur:thensmiledathisownbitterwords.“Luckynooneheardmebutyou!”
“DoctorForester,”saidLadyMuriel,whohadjustjoinedus,“letmeintroducetoyoumycousinEricLindonCaptainLindon,Ishouldsay.”
Arthurshookoffhisill-temperinstantlyandcompletely,asheroseandgavetheyoungsoldierhishand.“Ihaveheardofyou,”hesaid.
“I’mverygladtomaketheacquaintanceofLadyMuriel’scousin.”
“Yes,that’sallI’mdistinguishedfor,asyet!”
saidEric(sowesoongottocallhim)withawinningsmile.
“AndIdoubt,”glancingatLadyMuriel,“ifitevenamountstoagood-conduct-badge!Butit’ssomethingtobeginwith.”
“Youmustcometomyfather,Eric,”saidLadyMuriel.“Ithinkhe’swanderingamongtheruins.”Andthepairmovedon.
ThegloomylookreturnedtoArthur’sface:andIcouldseeitwasonlytodistracthisthoughtsthathetookhisplaceatthesideofthemetaphysicalyounglady,andresumedtheirinterrupteddiscussion.
“TalkingofHerbertSpencer,”hebegan,“doyoureallyfindnologicaldifficultyinregardingNatureasaprocessofinvolution,passingfromdefinitecoherenthomogeneitytoindefiniteincoherentheterogeneity?”
AmusedasIwasattheingeniousjumblehehadmadeofSpencer’swords,IkeptasgraveafaceasIcould.
Nophysicaldifficulty,”sheconfidentlyreplied:“butIhaven’tstudiedLogicmuch.Wouldyoustatethedifficulty?”
“Well,”saidArthur,“doyouacceptitasself-evident?Isitasobvious,forinstance,asthat‘thingsthataregreaterthanthesamearegreaterthanoneanother’?”
“Tomymind,”shemodestlyreplied,“itseemsquiteasobvious.Igraspbothtruthsbyintuition.Butothermindsmayneedsomelogical—Iforgetthetechnicalterms.”
“Foracompletelogicalargument,”Arthurbeganwithadmirablesolemnity,“weneedtwoprimMisses—”
“Ofcourse!”sheinterrupted.“Irememberthatwordnow.Andtheyproduce—?”
“ADelusion,”saidArthur.
“Ye—es?”shesaiddubiously.“Idon’tseemtorememberthatsowell.Butwhatisthewholeargumentcalled?”
“ASillygism?
“Ah,yes!Iremembernow.ButIdon’tneedaSillygism,youknow,toprovethatmathematicalaxiomyoumentioned.”
“Nortoprovethat‘allanglesareequal’,Isuppose?”
“Why,ofcoursenot!Onetakessuchasimpletruthasthatforgranted!”
HereIventuredtointerpose,andtoofferheraplateofstrawberriesandcream.
Ifeltreallyuneasyatthethoughtthatshemightdetectthetrick:andIcontrived,unperceivedbyher,toshakemyheadreprovinglyatthepseudo-philosopher.
Equallyunperceivedbyher,Arthurslightlyraisedhisshoulders,andspreadhishandsabroad,aswhoshouldsay“WhatelsecanIsaytoher?”
andmovedaway,leavinghertodiscussherstrawberriesby‘involution,’oranyotherwayshepreferred.
Bythistimethecarriages,thatweretoconveytherevelerstotheirrespectivehomes,hadbeguntoassembleoutsidetheCastle-grounds:anditbecameevident—nowthatLadyMuriel’scousinhadjoinedourpartythattheproblem,howtoconveyfivepeopletoElveston,withacarriagethatwouldonlyholdfour,mustsomehowbesolved.
TheHonorableEricLindon,whowasatthismomentwalkingupanddownwithLadyMuriel,mighthavesolveditatonce,nodoubt,byannouncinghisintentionofreturningonfoot.
Ofthissolutiontheredidnotseemtobetheverysmallestprobability.
Thenextbestsolution,itseemedtome,wasthatIshouldwalkhome:andthisIatonceproposed.
“You’resureyoudon’tmind?’,saidtheEarl.“I’mafraidthecarriagewonttakeusall,andIdon’tliketosuggesttoErictodeserthiscousinsosoon.”
“Sofarfrommindingit,”Isaid,“Ishouldpreferit.Itwillgivemetimetosketchthisbeautifuloldruin.”
“I’llkeepyoucompany,”Arthursuddenlysaid.
And,inanswertowhatIsupposewasalookofsurpriseonmyface,hesaidinalowvoice,“Ireallywouldrather.
Ishallbequitedetropinthecarriage!”
“IthinkI’llwalktoo,”saidtheEarl.“You’llhavetobecontentwithEricasyourescort,”headded,toLadyMuriel,whohadjoineduswhilehewasspeaking.
“YoumustbeasentertainingasCerberus—’threegentlemenrolledintoone’—”LadyMurielsaidtohercompanion.“Itwillbeagrandmilitaryexploit!”
“AsortofForlornHope?”theCaptainmodestlysuggested.
“Youdopayprettycompliments!”laughedhisfaircousin.“Gooddaytoyou,gentlementhree—orratherdesertersthree!”Andthetwoyoungfolkenteredthecarriageandweredrivenaway.
“Howlongwillyoursketchtake?”saidArthur.
“Well,”Isaid,“Ishouldlikeanhourforit.Don’tyouthinkyouhadbettergowithoutme?I’llreturnbytrain.Iknowthere’soneinaboutanhour’stime.”
“Perhapsthatwouldbebest,”saidtheEarl.“TheStationisquiteclose.”
SoIwaslefttomyowndevices,andsoonfoundacomfortableseat,atthefootofatree,fromwhichIhadagoodviewoftheruins.
“Itisaverydrowsyday,”Isaidtomyself,idlyturningovertheleavesofthesketch-booktofindablankpage.
“Why,Ithoughtyouwereamileoffbythistime!”
For,tomysurprise,thetwowalkerswerebackagain.
“Icamebacktoremindyou,”Arthursaid,“thatthetrainsgoeverytenminutes—”
“Nonsense!”Isaid.“Itisn’ttheMetropolitanRailway!”
“ItistheMetropolitanRailway,”theEarlinsisted.“’ThisisapartofKensington.”
“Whydoyoutalkwithyoureyesshut?”saidArthur.“Wakeup!”
“Ithinkit’stheheatmakesmesodrowsy,”Isaid,hoping,butnotfeelingquitesure,thatIwastalkingsense.“AmIawakenow?”
“Ithinknot,“theEarljudiciallypronounced.“Whatdoyouthink,Doctor?He’sonlygotoneeyeopen!”
“Andhe’ssnoringlikeanything!”criedBruno.“Dowakeup,youdearoldthing!”
AndheandSylviesettowork,rollingtheheavyheadfromsidetoside,asifitsconnectionwiththeshoulderswasamatterofnosortofimportance.
AndatlasttheProfessoropenedhiseyes,andsatup,blinkingatuswitheyesofutterbewilderment.
“Wouldyouhavethekindnesstomention,”hesaid,addressingmewithhisusualold-fashionedcourtesy,“whereaboutswearejustnowandwhoweare,beginningwithme?”
Ithoughtitbesttobeginwiththechildren.“ThisisSylvie.Sir;andthisisBruno.”
“Ah,yes!Iknowthemwellenough!”theoldmanmurmured.“ItsmyselfI’mmostanxiousabout.Andperhapsyou’llbegoodenoughtomention,atthesametime,howIgothere?”
“Aharderproblemoccurstome,”Iventuredtosay:“andthatis,howyou’retogetbackagain.”
“True,true!”theProfessorreplied.“That’stheProblem,nodoubt.
ViewedasaProblem,outsideofoneself,itisamostinterestingone.
Viewedasaportionofone’sownbiography,itis,Imustadmit,verydistressing!”
Hegroaned,butinstantlyadded,withachuckle,“Astomyself,IthinkyoumentionedthatIam—”
“Oo’retheProfessor!”Brunoshoutedinhisear.“Didn’tooknowthat?Oo’vecomefromOutland!Andit’seversofarawayfromhere!”
TheProfessorleapttohisfeetwiththeagilityofaboy.“Thenthere’snotimetolose!”heexclaimedanxiously.
“I’lljustaskthisguilelesspeasant,withhisbraceofbucketsthatcontain(apparently)water,ifhe’llbesokindastodirectus.Guilelesspeasant!”heproceededinaloudervoice.“WouldyoutellusthewaytoOutland?”
Theguilelesspeasantturnedwithasheepishgrin.“Hey?”wasallhesaid.
“Theway—to—Outland!”theProfessorrepeated.
Theguilelesspeasantsetdownhisbucketsandconsidered.“Ahdunnot—”
“Ioughttomention,”theProfessorhastilyputin,“thatwhateveryousaywillbeusedinevidenceagainstyou.”
Theguilelesspeasantinstantlyresumedhisbuckets.“Thenahsaysnowt!”heansweredbriskly,andwalkedawayatagreatpace.
Thechildrengazedsadlyattherapidlyvanishingfigure.“Hegoesveryquick!”theProfessorsaidwithasigh.
“ButIknowthatwastherightthingtosay.I’vestudiedyourEnglishLaws.
However,let’saskthisnextmanthat’scoming.
Heisnotguileless,andheisnotapeasant—butIdon’tknowthateitherpointisofvitalimportance.”
Itwas,infact,theHonorableEricLindon,whohadapparentlyfulfilledhistaskofescortingLadyMurielhome,andwasnowstrollingleisurelyupanddowntheroadoutsidethehouse,enjoying;asolitarycigar.
“MightItroubleyou,Sir,totellusthenearestwaytoOutland!”
Oddityashewas,inoutwardappearance,theProfessorwas,inthatessentialnaturewhichnooutwarddisguisecouldconceal,athoroughgentleman.
And,assuch,EricLindonacceptedhiminstantly.
Hetookthecigarfromhismouth,anddelicatelyshookofftheash,whileheconsidered.
“Thenamesoundsstrangetome,”hesaid.“IdoubtifIcanhelpyou?’
“ItisnotveryfarfromFairyland,”theProfessorsuggested.
EricLindon’seye-browswereslightlyraisedatthesewords,andanamusedsmile,whichhecourteouslytriedtorepress,flittedacrosshishandsomeface:“Atriflecracked!”hemutteredtohimself.“Butwhatajollyoldpatriarchitis!”Thenheturnedtothechildren.“Andca’n’tyouhelphim,littlefolk?”
hesaid,withagentlenessoftonethatseemedtowintheirheartsatonce.“Surelyyouknowallaboutit?
‘HowmanymilestoBabylon?
Three-scoremilesandten.
CanIgettherebycandlelight?
Yes,andbackagain!’”
Tomysurprise,Brunoranforwardstohim,asifheweresomeoldfriendoftheirs,seizedthedisengagedhandandhungontoitwithbothofhisown:andtherestoodthistalldignifiedofficerinthemiddleoftheroad,gravelyswingingalittleboytoandfro,whileSylviestoodreadytopushhim,exactlyasifarealswinghadsuddenlybeenprovidedfortheirpastime.
“Wedon’twanttogettoBabylon,ooknow!”Brunoexplainedasheswung.
“Anditisn’tcandlelight:it’sdaylight!”Sylvieadded,givingtheswingapushofextravigor,whichnearlytookthewholemachineoffitsbalance.
BythistimeitwascleartomethatEricLindonwasquiteunconsciousofmypresence.
EventheProfessorandthechildrenseemedtohavelostsightofme:andIstoodinthemidstofthegroup,asunconcernedlyasaghost,seeingbutunseen.
“Howperfectlyisochronous!”theProfessorexclaimedwithenthusiasm.
Hehadhiswatchinhishand,andwascarefullycountingBruno’soscillations.
“Hemeasurestimequiteasaccuratelyasapendulum!”
“Yetevenpendulums,”thegood-naturedyoungsoldierobserved,ashecarefullyreleasedhishandfromBruno’sgrasp,“arenotajoyforever!
Come,that’senoughforonebout,littleman!’
Nexttimewemeet,youshallhaveanother.
Meanwhileyou’dbettertakethisoldgentlemantoQueerStreet,Number—”
“We’llfindit!”criedBrunoeagerly,astheydraggedtheProfessoraway.
“Wearemuchindebtedtoyou!”theProfessorsaid,lookingoverhisshoulder.
“Don’tmentionit!”repliedtheofficer,raisinghishatasapartingsalute.
“Whatnumberdidyousay!”theProfessorcalledfromthedistance.
Theofficermadeatrumpetofhistwohands.“Forty!”heshoutedinstentoriantones.“Andnotpiano,byanymeans!”headdedtohimself.
“It’samadworld,mymasters,amadworld!”
Helitanothercigar,andstrolledontowardshishotel.
“Whatalovelyevening!”Isaid,joininghimashepassedme.
“Lovelyindeed,”hesaid.“Wheredidyoucomefrom?Droppedfromtheclouds?”
“I’mstrollingyourway,”Isaid;andnofurtherexplanationseemednecessary.
“Haveacigar?”
“Thanks:I’mnotasmoker.”
“IsthereaLunaticAsylumnearhere?”
“NotthatIknowof.”
“Thoughttheremightbe.Metalunaticjustnow.QueeroldfishaseverIsaw!”
Andso,infriendlychat,wetookourhomewardways,andwishedeachother‘good-night’atthedoorofhishotel.
Lefttomyself,Ifeltthe‘eerie’feelingrushovermeagain,andsaw,standingatthedoorofNumberForty,thethreefiguresIknewsowell.
“Thenit’sthewronghouse?”Brunowassaying.
“No,no!It’stherighthouse,”theProfessorcheerfullyreplied:“butit’sthewrongstreet.That’swherewe’vemadeourmistake!Ourbestplan,now,willbeto—”
Itwasover.Thestreetwasempty,Commonplacelifewasaroundme,andthe‘eerie’feelinghadfled.
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