English
Yes,wewereinthegardenoncemore:and,toescapethathorriddiscordantvoice,wehurriedindoors,andfoundourselvesinthelibrary—Uggugblubbering,theProfessorstandingbywithabewilderedair,andmyLady,withherarmsclaspedroundherson’sneck,repeating,overandoveragain,“anddidtheygivehimnastylessonstolearn?Myownprettypet!”
“What’sallthisnoiseabout?”theVice-wardenangrilyenquired,ashestrodeintotheroom.“Andwhoputthehat-standhere?”
AndhehunghishatuponBruno,whowasstandinginthemiddleoftheroom,toomuchastonishedbythesuddenchangeofscenetomakeanyattemptatremovingit,thoughitcamedowntohisshoulders,makinghimlooksomethinglikeasmallcandlewithalargeextinguisheroverit.
TheProfessormildlyexplainedthatHisHighnesshadbeengraciouslypleasedtosayhewouldn’tdohislessons.
“Doyourlessonsthisinstant,youyoungcub!”thunderedtheVice-Warden.“Andtakethis!”andaresoundingboxontheearmadetheunfortunateProfessorreelacrosstheroom.
“Saveme!”falteredthepooroldman,ashesank,half-fainting,atmyLady’sfeet.
“Shaveyou?OfcourseIwill!”myLadyreplied,assheliftedhimintoachair,andpinnedananti-macassarroundhisneck.“Where’stherazor?”
TheVice-WardenmeanwhilehadgotholdofUggug,andwasbelabouringhimwithhisumbrella.“Wholeftthisloosenailinthefloor?”heshouted,“Hammeritin,Isay!
Hammeritin!”BlowafterblowfellonthewrithingUggug,tillhedroppedhowlingtothefloor.
Thenhisfatherturnedtothe‘shaving’scenewhichwasbeingenacted,androaredwithlaughter.“Excuseme,dear,Ica’n’thelpit!”hesaidassoonashecouldspeak.“Youaresuchanutterdonkey!Kissme,Tabby!”
AndheflunghisarmsroundtheneckoftheterrifiedProfessor,whoraisedawildshriek.,butwhetherhereceivedthethreatenedkissornotIwasunabletosee,asBruno,whohadbythistimereleasedhimselffromhisextinguisher,rushedheadlongoutoftheroom,followedbySylvie;andIwassofearfulofbeingleftaloneamongallthesecrazycreaturesthatIhurriedafterthem.
WemustgotoFather!”Sylviepanted,astheyrandownthegarden.“I’msurethingsareattheirworst!I’llasktheGardenertoletusoutagain.”
“Butweca’n’twalkalltheway!”Brunowhimpered.“HowIwisswehadacoach-and-four,likeUncle!”
And,shrillandwild,rangthroughtheairthefamiliarvoice:—
”HethoughthesawaCoach-and-Four
Thatstoodbesidehisbed:
Helookedagain,andfounditwas
ABearwithoutaHead.
‘Poorthing,’hesaid,‘poorsillything!
It’swaitingtobefed!’”
“No,Ica’n’tletyououtagain!”hesaid,beforethechildrencouldspeak.
“TheVice-wardengaveitme,hedid,forlettingyououtlasttime!Sobeoffwithyou!”
And,turningawayfromthem,hebegandiggingfranticallyinthemiddleofagravel-walk,singing,overandoveragain,“’Poorthing,’hesaid,‘poorsillything!It’swaitingtobefed!
’”butinamoremusicaltonethantheshrillscreechinwhichhehadbegun.
Themusicgrewfullerandricherateverymoment:othermanlyvoicesjoinedintherefrain:andsoonIheardtheheavythudthattoldmetheboathadtouchedthebeach,andtheharshgratingoftheshingleasthemendraggeditup.
Irousedmyself,and,afterlendingthemahandinhaulinguptheirboat,Ilingeredyetawhiletowatchthemdisembarkagoodlyassortmentofthehard-won‘treasuresofthedeep.’
WhenatlastIreachedourlodgingsIwastiredandsleepy,andgladenoughtosettledownagainintotheeasy-chair,whileArthurhospitablywenttohiscupboard,togetmeoutsomecakeandwine,withoutwhich,hedeclared,hecouldnot,asadoctor,permitmygoingtobed.
Andhowthatcupboard-doordidcreak!ItsurelycouldnotbeArthur,whowasopeningandshuttingitsooften,movingsorestlesslyabout,andmutteringlikethesoliloquyofatragedy-queen!
No,itwasafemalevoice.Alsothefigurehalf-hiddenbythecupboard-door—wasafemalefigure,massive,andinflowingrobes,
Coulditbethelandlady?Thedooropened,andastrangemanenteredtheroom.
“Whatisthatdonkeydoing?”hesaidtohimself,pausing,aghast,onthethreshold.
Thelady,thusrudelyreferredto,washiswife.
Shehadgotoneofthecupboardsopen,andstoodwithherbacktohim,smoothingdownasheetofbrownpaperononeoftheshelves,andwhisperingtoherself“So,so!Deftlydone!Craftilycontrived!”
Herlovinghusbandstolebehindherontiptoe,andtappedheronthehead.“Boh!”heplayfullyshoutedatherear.“NevertellmeagainIca’n’tsay‘boh’toagoose!”
MyLadywrungherhands.“Discovered!”shegroaned.“Yetno—heisoneofus!Revealitnot,ohMan!Letitbideitstime!”
“Revealwhatnot?”herhusbandtestilyreplied,draggingoutthesheetofbrownpaper.“Whatareyouhidinghere,myLady?Iinsistuponknowing!”
MyLadycastdownhereyes,andspokeinthelittlestoflittlevoices.“Don’tmakefunofit,Benjamin!”shepleaded.“It’s—it’s—don’tyouunderstand?It’saDAGGER!”
“Andwhat’sthatfor?”sneeredHisExcellency.
“We’veonlygottomakepeoplethinkhe’sdead!Wehaven’tgottokillhim!Andmadeoftin,too!”
hesnarled,contemptuouslybendingthebladeroundhisthumb.
Now,Madam,you’llbegoodenoughtoexplain.
First,whatdoyoucallmeBenjaminfor?”
“It’spartoftheConspiracy,Love!Onemusthaveanalias,youknow—”
“Oh,analias,isit?Well!Andnext,whatdidyougetthisdaggerfor?Come,noevasions!Youca’n’tdeceiveme!”
“Igotitfor—for—for—”thedetectedConspiratorstammered,tryingherbesttoputontheassassin-expressionthatshehadbeenpractisingatthelooking-glass.“For—”
“Forwhat,Madam!”
“Well,foreighteenpence,ifyoumustknow,dearest!That’swhatIgotitfor,onmy—”
“Nowdon’tsayyourWordandHonour!”groanedtheotherConspirator.“Why,theyaren’tworthhalfthemoney,puttogether!”
“Onmybirthday,”myLadyconcludedinameekwhisper.“Onemusthaveadagger,youknow.It’spartofthe—”
“Oh,don’ttalkofConspiracies!”herhusbandsavagelyinterrupted,ashetossedthedaggerintothecupboard.
“YouknowaboutasmuchhowtomanageaConspiracyasifyouwereachicken.
Why,thefirstthingistogetadisguise.Now,justlookatthis!”
Andwithpardonablepridehefittedonthecapandbells,andtherestoftheFool’sdress,andwinkedather,andputhistongueinhischeek.“Isthatthesortofthing,now.”hedemanded.
MyLady’seyesflashedwithallaConspirator’senthusiasm.“Theverything!”sheexclaimed,clappingherhands.“Youdolook,oh,suchaperfectFool!”
TheFoolsmiledadoubtfulsmile.Hewasnotquiteclearwhetheritwasacomplimentornot,toexpressitsoplainly.“YoumeanaJester?Yes,that’swhatIintended.
Andwhatdoyouthinkyourdisguiseistobe?”
Andheproceededtounfoldtheparcel,theladywatchinghiminrapture.
“Oh,howlovely!”shecried,whenatlastthedresswasunfolded.“Whatasplendiddisguise!AnEsquimauxpeasant-woman!”
“AnEsquimauxpeasant,indeed!”growledtheother.
“Here,putiton,andlookatyourselfintheglass.
Why,it’saBear,ca’n’tyouuseyoureyes?”
Hecheckedhimselfsuddenly,asaharshvoiceyelledthroughtheroom
”Helookedagain,andfounditwas
ABearwithoutaHead!”
ButitwasonlytheGardener,singingundertheopenwindow.
TheVice-Wardenstoleontip-toetothewindow,andcloseditnoiselessly,beforeheventuredtogoon.
“Yes,Lovey,aBear:butnotwithoutahead,Ihope!You’retheBear,andmetheKeeper.
Andifanyoneknowsus,they’llhavesharpeyes,that’sall!”
“Ishallhavetopractisethestepsabit,”myLadysaid,lookingoutthroughtheBear’smouth:“oneca’n’thelpbeingratherhumanjustatfirst,youknow.
Andofcourseyou’llsay‘Comeup,Bruin!’,won’tyou?”
“Yes,ofcourse,”repliedtheKeeper,layingholdofthechain,thathungfromtheBear’scollar,withonehand,whilewiththeotherhecrackedalittlewhip.
“Nowgoroundtheroominasortofadancingattitude.Verygood,mydear,verygood.Comeup,Bruin!Comeup,Isay!”
HeroaredoutthelastwordsforthebenefitofUggug,whohadjustcomeintotheroom,andwasnowstanding,withhishandsspreadout,andeyesandmouthwideopen,theverypictureofstupidamazement.“Oh,my!”wasallhecouldgaspout.
TheKeeperpretendedtobeadjustingthebear’scollar,whichgavehimanopportunityofwhispering,unheardbyUggug,“myfault,I’mafraid!Quiteforgottofastenthedoor.Plot’sruinedifhefindsitout!Keepitupaminuteortwolonger.Besavage!”
Then,whileseemingtopullitbackwithallhisstrength,heletitadvanceuponthescaredboy:myLady,withadmirablepresenceofmind,keptupwhatshenodoubtintendedforasavagegrowl,thoughitwasmorelikethepurringofacat:andUggugbackedoutoftheroomwithsuchhastethathetrippedoverthemat,andwasheardtofallheavilyoutside—anaccidenttowhichevenhisdotingmotherpaidnoheed,intheexcitementofthemoment.
TheVice-Wardenshutandboltedthedoor.“Offwiththedisguises!”hepanted.“There’snotamomenttolose.
He’ssuretofetchtheProfessor,andwecouldn’ttakehimin,youknow!”
Andinanotherminutethedisguiseswerestowedawayinthecupboard,thedoorunbolted,andthetwoConspiratorsseatedlovinglyside-by-sideonthesofa,earnestlydiscussingabooktheVice-Wardenhadhastilysnatchedoffthetable,whichprovedtobetheCity-DirectoryofthecapitalofOutland.
Thedooropened,veryslowlyandcautiously,andtheProfessorpeepedin,Uggug’sstupidfacebeingjustvisiblebehindhim.
“Itisabeautifularrangement!”theVice-wardenwassayingwithenthusiasm.“Yousee,mypreciousone,thattherearefifteenhousesinGreenStreet,beforeyouturnintoWestStreet.”
“Fifteenhouses!Isitpossible?”myLadyreplied.“Ithoughtitwasfourteen!”
And,sointentweretheyonthisinterestingquestion,thatneitherofthemevenlookeduptilltheProfessor,leadingUggugbythehand,stoodclosebeforethem.
MyLadywasthefirsttonoticetheirapproach.“Why,here’stheProfessor!”sheexclaimedinherblandesttones.“Andmypreciouschildtoo!Arelessonsover?”
“Astrangethinghashappened!”theProfessorbeganinatremblingtone.
“HisExaltedFatness”(thiswasoneofUggug’smanytitles)“tellsmehehasjustseen,inthisveryroom,aDancing-BearandaCourt-Jester!”
TheVice-Wardenandhiswifeshookwithwell-actedmerriment.
Notinthisroom,darling!”saidthefondmother.“We’vebeensittingherethishourormore,reading—,”hereshereferredtothebooklyingonherlap,“—readingthe—theCity-Directory.”
“Letmefeelyourpulse,myboy!”saidtheanxiousfather.“Nowputoutyourtongue.Ah,Ithoughtso!
He’salittlefeverish,Professor,andhashadabaddream.
Puthimtobedatonce,andgivehimacoolingdraught.”
“Iain’tbeendreaming!”hisExaltedFatnessremonstrated,astheProfessorledhimaway.
“Badgrammar,Sir!”hisfatherremarkedwithsomesternness.
“Kindlyattendtothatlittlematter,Professor,assoonasyouhavecorrectedthefeverishness.And,bytheway,Professor!”
(TheProfessorlefthisdistinguishedpupilstandingatthedoor,andmeeklyreturned.)
“Thereisarumourafloat,thatthepeoplewishtoelectan—inpointoffact,an—youunderstandthatImeanan—”
“NotanotherProfessor!”thepooroldmanexclaimedinhorror.
“No!Certainlynot!”theVice-Wardeneagerlyexplained.“MerelyanEmperor,youunderstand.”
“AnEmperor!”criedtheastonishedProfessor,holdinghisheadbetweenhishands,asifheexpectedittocometopieceswiththeshock.“WhatwilltheWarden—”
“Why,theWardenwillmostlikelybethenewEmperor!”myLadyexplained.“Wherecouldwefindabetter?Unless,perhaps—”sheglancedatherhusband.
“Whereindeed!”theProfessorferventlyresponded,quitefailingtotakethehint.
TheVice-Wardenresumedthethreadofhisdiscourse.
“ThereasonImentionedit,Professor,wastoaskyoutobesokindastopresideattheElection.
Youseeitwouldmakethethingrespectable—nosuspicionofanything,underhand—”
“IfearIca’n’t,yourExcellency!”theoldmanfaltered.“WhatwilltheWarden—”
“True,true!”theVice-Wardeninterrupted.“Yourposition,asCourt-Professor,makesitawkward,Iadmit.Well,well!ThentheElectionshallbeheldwithoutyou.”
“Betterso,thanifitwereheldwithinme!”
theProfessormurmuredwithabewilderedair,asifhehardlyknewwhathewassaying.
“Bed,IthinkyourHighnesssaid,andacooling-draught?”
AndhewandereddreamilybacktowhereUggugsulkilyawaitedhim.
Ifollowedthemoutoftheroom,anddownthepassage,theProfessormurmuringtohimself,allthetime,asakindofaidtohisfeeblememory,“C,C,C;Couch,Cooling-Draught,Correct-Grammar,”till,inturningacorner,hemetSylvieandBruno,sosuddenlythatthestartledProfessorletgoofhisfatpupil,whoinstantlytooktohisheels.
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