English
“It’smybrother!”theSub-wardenexclaimed,inawarningwhisper.“Speakout,andbequickaboutit!”
TheappealwasevidentlyaddressedtotheLordChancellor,whoinstantlyreplied,inashrillmonotone,likealittleboyrepeatingthealphabet,“AsIwasremarking,yourSub-Excellency,thisportentousmovement—”
“Youbegantoosoon!”theotherinterrupted,scarcelyabletorestrainhimselftoawhisper,sogreatwashisexcitement.“Hecouldn’thaveheardyou.Beginagain!”
“AsIwasremarking,”chantedtheobedientLordChancellor,“thisportentousmovementhasalreadyassumedthedimensionsofaRevolution!”
“AndwhatarethedimensionsofaRevolution?”
Thevoicewasgenialandmellow,andthefaceofthetalldignifiedoldman,whohadjustenteredtheroom,leadingSylviebythehand,andwithBrunoridingtriumphantlyonhisshoulder,wastoonobleandgentletohavescaredalessguiltyman:buttheLordChancellorturnedpaleinstantly,andcouldhardlyarticulatethewords“Thedimensionsyour—yourHighExcellency?I—I—scarcelycomprehend!”
“Well,thelength,breadth,andthickness,ifyoulikeitbetter!”Andtheoldmansmiled,half-contemptuously.
TheLordChancellorrecoveredhimselfwithagreateffort,andpointedtotheopenwindow.
“IfyourHighExcellencywilllistenforamomenttotheshoutsoftheexasperatedpopulace—”(“oftheexasperatedpopulace!”
theSub-Wardenrepeatedinaloudertone,astheLordChancellor,beinginastateofabjectterror,haddroppedalmostintoawhisper)“—youwillunderstandwhatitistheywant.”
Andatthatmomenttheresurgedintotheroomahoarseconfusedcry,inwhichtheonlyclearlyaudiblewordswere“Less—bread—More—taxes!”Theoldmanlaughedheartily.
“Whatintheworld—”hewasbeginning:buttheChancellorheardhimnot.“Somemistake!”
hemuttered,hurryingtothewindow,fromwhichheshortlyreturnedwithanairofrelief.“Nowlisten!”
heexclaimed,holdinguphishandimpressively.
Andnowthewordscamequitedistinctly,andwiththeregularityofthetickingofaclock,“More—bread—Lesstaxes!’”
“Morebread!”theWardenrepeatedinastonishment.
“Why,thenewGovernmentBakerywasopenedonlylastweek,andIgaveorderstosellthebreadatcost-priceduringthepresentscarcity!Whatcantheyexpectmore?”
“TheBakery’sclosed,y’reince!”theChancellorsaid,moreloudlyandclearlythanhehadspokenyet.
Hewasemboldenedbytheconsciousnessthathere,atleast,hehadevidencetoproduce:andheplacedintheWarden’shandsafewprintednotices,thatwerelyingready,withsomeopenledgers,onaside-table.
“Yes,yes,Isee!”theWardenmuttered,glancingcarelesslythroughthem.
“Ordercountermandedbymybrother,andsupposedtobemydoing!Rathersharppractice!It’sallright!”headdedinaloudertone.
“Mynameissignedtoit:soItakeitonmyself.Butwhatdotheymeanby‘LessTaxes’?Howcantheybeless?
Iabolishedthelastofthemamonthago!”
“It’sbeenputonagain,y’reince,andbyy’reince’sownorders!”,andotherprintednoticesweresubmittedforinspection.
TheWarden,whilstlookingthemover,glancedonceortwiceattheSub-Warden,whohadseatedhimselfbeforeoneoftheopenledgers,andwasquiteabsorbedinaddingitup;buthemerelyrepeated“It’sallright.Iacceptitasmydoing.”
“Andtheydosay,”theChancellorwentonsheepishly—lookingmuchmorelikeaconvictedthiefthananOfficerofState,“thatachangeofGovernment,bytheabolitionoftheSub-Warden—Imean,”hehastilyadded,onseeingtheWarden’slookofastonishment,“theabolitionoftheofficeofSub-Warden,andgivingthepresentholdertherighttoactasVice-WardenwhenevertheWardenisabsent—wouldappeaseallthisseedlingdiscontentImean,”headded,glancingatapaperheheldinhishand,“allthisseethingdiscontent!”
“Forfifteenyears,”putinadeepbutveryharshvoice,“myhusbandhasbeenactingasSub-Warden.Itistoolong!Itismuchtoolong!”
MyLadywasavastcreatureatalltimes:but,whenshefrownedandfoldedherarms,asnow,shelookedmoregiganticthanever,andmadeonetrytofancywhatahaystackwouldlooklike,ifoutoftemper.
“HewoulddistinguishhimselfasaVice!”myLadyproceeded,beingfartoostupidtoseethedoublemeaningofherwords.“TherehasbeennosuchViceinOutlandformanyalongyear,ashewouldbe!”
“Whatcoursewouldyousuggest,Sister?”theWardenmildlyenquired.
MyLadystamped,whichwasundignified:andsnorted,whichwasungraceful.“Thisisnojestingmatter!”shebellowed.
“Iwillconsultmybrother,saidtheWarden.“Brother!”
“—andsevenmakesahundredandninety-four,whichissixteenandtwo-pence,”theSub-Wardenreplied.“Putdowntwoandcarrysixteen.”
TheChancellorraisedhishandsandeyebrows,lostinadmiration.“Suchamanofbusiness!”hemurmured.
“Brother,couldIhaveawordwithyouinmyStudy?”theWardensaidinaloudertone.TheSub-Wardenrosewithalacrity,andthetwolefttheroomtogether.
MyLadyturnedtotheProfessor,whohaduncoveredtheurn,andwastakingitstemperaturewithhispocket-thermometer.“Professor!”
shebegan,soloudlyandsuddenlythatevenUggug,whohadgonetosleepinhischair,leftoffsnoringandopenedoneeye.
TheProfessorpocketedhisthermometerinamoment,claspedhishands,andputhisheadononesidewithameeksmile
“Youwereteachingmysonbeforebreakfast,Ibelieve?”myLadyloftilyremarked.“Ihopehestrikesyouashavingtalent?”
“Oh,verymuchsoindeed,myLady!”theProfessorhastilyreplied,unconsciouslyrubbinghisear,whilesomepainfulrecollectionseemedtocrosshismind.
“IwasveryforciblystruckbyHisMagnificence,Iassureyou!”
“Heisacharmingboy!”myLadyexclaimed.“Evenhissnoresaremoremusicalthanthoseofotherboys!”
Ifthatwereso,theProfessorseemedtothink,thesnoresofotherboysmustbesomethingtooawfultobeendured:buthewasacautiousman,andhesaidnothing.
“Andhe’ssoclever!”myLadycontinued.
“NoonewillenjoyyourLecturemorebytheway,haveyoufixedthetimeforityet?
You’venevergivenone,youknow:anditwaspromisedyearsago,beforeyou—
“Yes,yes,myLady,Iknow!PerhapsnextTuesdayorTuesdayweek—”
“Thatwilldoverywell,”saidmyLady,graciously.“OfcourseyouwilllettheOtherProfessorlectureaswell?”
“Ithinknot,myLady?theProfessorsaidwithsomehesitation.“Yousee,healwaysstandswithhisbacktotheaudience.Itdoesverywellforreciting;butforlecturing—”
“Youarequiteright,”saidmyLady.“And,nowIcometothinkofit,therewouldhardlybetimeformorethanoneLecture.
Anditwillgooffallthebetter,ifwebeginwithaBanquet,andaFancy-dressBall—”
“Itwillindeed!”theProfessorcried,withenthusiasm.
“IshallcomeasaGrass-hopper,”myLadycalmlyproceeded.“Whatshallyoucomeas,Professor?”
TheProfessorsmiledfeebly.“Ishallcomeas—asearlyasIcan,myLady!”
“Youmustn’tcomeinbeforethedoorsareopened,”saidmyLady.
“Ica’n’t,”saidtheProfessor.“Excusemeamoment.AsthisisLadySylvie’sbirthday,Iwouldliketo—”andherushedaway.
Brunobeganfeelinginhispockets,lookingmoreandmoremelancholyashedidso:thenheputhisthumbinhismouth,andconsideredforaminute:thenhequietlylefttheroom.
HehadhardlydonesobeforetheProfessorwasbackagain,quiteoutofbreath.
“Wishingyoumanyhappyreturnsoftheday,mydearchild!”
hewenton,addressingthesmilinglittlegirl,whohadruntomeethim.
“Allowmetogiveyouabirthday-present.It’sasecond-handpincushion,mydear.Anditonlycostfourpence-halfpenny!”
“Thankyou,it’sverypretty!”AndSylvierewardedtheoldmanwithaheartykiss.
“Andthepinstheygavemefornothing!”theProfessoraddedinhighglee.“Fifteenof‘em,andonlyonebent!”
“I’llmakethebentoneintoahook!”saidSylvie.“TocatchBrunowith,whenherunsawayfromhislessons!”
“Youca’n’tguesswhatmypresentis!”saidUggug,whohadtakenthebutter-dishfromthetable,andwasstandingbehindher,withawickedleeronhisface.
“No,Ica’n’tguess,”Sylviesaidwithoutlookingup.ShewasstillexaminingtheProfessor’spincushion.
“It’sthis!”criedthebadboy,exultingly,asheemptiedthedishoverher,andthen,withagrinofdelightathisowncleverness,lookedroundforapplause.
Sylviecolouredcrimson,assheshookoffthebutterfromherfrock:butshekeptherlipstightshut,andwalkedawaytothewindow,whereshestoodlookingoutandtryingtorecoverhertemper.
Uggug’striumphwasaveryshortone:theSub-Wardenhadreturned,justintimetobeawitnessofhisdearchild’splayfulness,andinanothermomentaskilfully-appliedboxontheearhadchangedthegrinofdelightintoahowlofpain.
“Mydarling!”criedhismother,enfoldinghiminherfatarms.“Didtheyboxhisearsfornothing?Apreciouspet!”
“It’snotfornothing!”growledtheangryfather.“Areyouaware,Madam,thatIpaythehouse-bills,outofafixedannualsum?Thelossofallthatwastedbutterfallsonme!Doyouhear,Madam!”
“Holdyourtongue,Sir!”MyLadyspokeveryquietly—almostinawhisper.
Buttherewassomethinginherlookwhichsilencedhim.“Don’tyouseeitwasonlyajoke?Andaverycleverone,too!
Heonlymeantthathelovednobodybuther!
And,insteadofbeingpleasedwiththecompliment,thespitefullittlethinghasgoneawayinahuff!”
TheSub-Wardenwasaverygoodhandatchangingasubject.Hewalkedacrosstothewindow.“Mydear,”hesaid,“isthatapigthatIseedownbelow,rootingaboutamongyourflower-beds?”
“Apig!”shriekedmyLady,rushingmadlytothewindow,andalmostpushingherhusbandout,inheranxietytoseeforherself.“Whosepigisit?Howdiditgetin?Where’sthatcrazyGardenergone?”
AtthismomentBrunore-enteredtheroom,andpassingUggug(whowasblubberinghisloudest,inthehopeofattractingnotice)asifhewasquiteusedtothatsortofthing,heranuptoSylvieandthrewhisarmsroundher.
“Iwenttomytoy-cupboard,”hesaidwithaverysorrowfulface,“toseeifthereweresomefinfitforapresentforoo!Andthereisn’tnuffin!They’sallbroken,everyone!
AndIhaven’tgotnomoneyleft,tobuyooabirthday-present!AndIca’n’tgiveoonuffinbutthis!”
(“This”wasaveryearnesthugandakiss.)
“Oh,thankyou,darling!”criedSylvie.“Ilikeyourpresentbestofall!”(Butifso,whydidshegiveitbacksoquickly?)
HisSub-Excellencyturnedandpattedthetwochildrenontheheadwithhislongleanhands.“Goaway,dears!”hesaid.“There’sbusinesstotalkover.“
SylvieandBrunowentawayhandinhand:but,onreachingthedoor,SylviecamebackagainandwentuptoUggugtimidly.
“Idon’tmindaboutthebutter,”shesaid,“andI—I’msorryhehurtyou!”
Andshetriedtoshakehandswiththelittleruffian:butUggugonlyblubberedlouder,andwouldn’tmakefriends.Sylvielefttheroomwithasigh.
TheSub-Wardenglaredangrilyathisweepingson.“Leavetheroom,Sirrah!”hesaid,asloudashedared.
Hiswifewasstillleaningoutofthewindow,andkeptrepeating“Ica’n’tseethatpig!Whereisit?”
“It’smovedtotherightnowit’sgonealittletotheleft,”saidtheSub-Warden:buthehadhisbacktothewindow,andwasmakingsignalstotheLordChancellor,pointingtoUggugandthedoor,withmanyacunningnodandwink.
TheChancellorcaughthismeaningatlast,and,crossingtheroom,tookthatinterestingchildbytheearthenextmomentheandUggugwereoutoftheroom,andthedoorshutbehindthem:butnotbeforeonepiercingyellhadrungthroughtheroom,andreachedtheearsofthefondmother.
“Whatisthathideousnoise?”shefiercelyasked,turninguponherstartledhusband.
“It’ssomehyaena—orother,”repliedtheSub-Warden,lookingvaguelyuptotheceiling,asifthatwaswheretheyusuallyweretobefound.“Letustobusiness,mydear.HerecomestheWarden.”
Andhepickedupfromthefloorawanderingscrapofmanuscript,onwhichIjustcaughtthewords‘afterwhichElectiondulyholdenthesaidSibimetandTabikathiswifemayattheirpleasureassumeImperial—’before,withaguiltylook,hecrumpleditupinhishand.
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