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Hebecameawarethatthefurnaceroarofthebattlewasgrowinglouder.
Greatblowncloudshadfloatedtothestillheightsofairbeforehim.Thenoise,too,wasapproaching.
Thewoodsfilteredmenandthefieldsbecamedotted.
Asheroundedahillock,heperceivedthattheroadwaywasnowacryingmassofwagons,teams,andmen.
Fromtheheavingtangleissuedexhortations,commands,imprecations.Fearwassweepingitallalong.
Thecrackingwhipsbitandhorsesplungedandtugged.
Thewhite-toppedwagonsstrainedandstumbledintheirexertionslikefatsheep.
Theyouthfeltcomfortedinameasurebythissight.Theywereallretreating.
Perhaps,then,hewasnotsobadafterall.
Heseatedhimselfandwatchedtheterror-strickenwagons.Theyfledlikesoft,ungainlyanimals.
Alltheroarersandlashersservedtohelphimtomagnifythedangersandhorrorsoftheengagementthathemighttrytoprovetohimselfthatthethingwithwhichmencouldchargehimwasintruthasymmetricalact.
Therewasanamountofpleasuretohiminwatchingthewildmarchofthisvindication.
Presentlythecalmheadofaforward-goingcolumnofinfantryappearedintheroad.Itcameswiftlyon.
Avoidingtheobstructionsgaveitthesinuousmovementofaserpent.
Themenattheheadbuttedmuleswiththeirmusketstocks.
Theyproddedteamstersindifferenttoallhowls.
Themenforcedtheirwaythroughpartsofthedensemassbystrength.Thebluntheadofthecolumnpushed.
Theravingteamsterssworemanystrangeoaths.
Thecommandstomakewayhadtheringofagreatimportanceinthem.
Themenweregoingforwardtotheheartofthedin.
Theyweretoconfronttheeagerrushoftheenemy.
Theyfelttheprideoftheironwardmovementwhentheremainderofthearmyseemedtryingtodribbledownthisroad.
Theytumbledteamsaboutwithafinefeelingthatitwasnomattersolongastheircolumngottothefrontintime.
Thisimportancemadetheirfacesgraveandstern.
Andthebacksoftheofficerswereveryrigid.
Astheyouthlookedatthemtheblackweightofhiswoereturnedtohim.
Hefeltthathewasregardingaprocessionofchosenbeings.
Theseparationwasasgreattohimasiftheyhadmarchedwithweaponsofflameandbannersofsunlight.Hecouldneverbelikethem.Hecouldhaveweptinhislongings.
Hesearchedaboutinhismindforanadequatemaledictionfortheindefinitecause,thethinguponwhichmenturnthewordsoffinalblame.
It—whateveritwas—wasresponsibleforhim,hesaid.Therelaythefault.
Thehasteofthecolumntoreachthebattleseemedtotheforlornyoungmantobesomethingmuchfinerthanstoutfighting.
Heroes,hethought,couldfindexcusesinthatlongseethinglane.
Theycouldretirewithperfectself-respectandmakeexcusestothestars.
Hewonderedwhatthosemenhadeatenthattheycouldbeinsuchhastetoforcetheirwaytogrimchancesofdeath.
Ashewatchedhisenvygrewuntilhethoughtthathewishedtochangeliveswithoneofthem.
Hewouldhavelikedtohaveusedatremendousforce,hesaid,throwoffhimselfandbecomeabetter.
Swiftpicturesofhimself,apart,yetinhimself,cametohim—abluedesperatefigureleadingluridchargeswithonekneeforwardandabrokenbladehigh—ablue,determinedfigurestandingbeforeacrimsonandsteelassault,gettingcalmlykilledonahighplacebeforetheeyesofall.
Hethoughtofthemagnificentpathosofhisdeadbody.
Thesethoughtsupliftedhim.Hefeltthequiverofwardesire.
Inhisears,heheardtheringofvictory.
Heknewthefrenzyofarapidsuccessfulcharge.
Themusicofthetramplingfeet,thesharpvoices,theclankingarmsofthecolumnnearhimmadehimsoarontheredwingsofwar.Forafewmomentshewassublime.
Hethoughtthathewasabouttostartforthefront.
Indeed,hesawapictureofhimself,dust-stained,haggard,panting,flyingtothefrontatthepropermomenttoseizeandthrottlethedark,leeringwitchofcalamity.
Thenthedifficultiesofthethingbegantodragathim.Hehesitated,balancingawkwardlyononefoot.
Hehadnorifle;hecouldnotfightwithhishands,saidheresentfullytohisplan.Well,riflescouldbehadforthepicking.Theywereextraordinarilyprofuse.
Also,hecontinued,itwouldbeamiracleifhefoundhisregiment.Well,hecouldfightwithanyregiment.
Hestartedforwardslowly.Hesteppedasifheexpectedtotreaduponsomeexplosivething.Doubtsandhewerestruggling.
Hewouldtrulybeawormifanyofhiscomradesshouldseehimreturningthus,themarksofhisflightuponhim.
Therewasareplythattheintentfightersdidnotcareforwhathappenedrearwardsavingthatnohostilebayonetsappearedthere.
Inthebattle-blurhisfacewould,inaway,behidden,likethefaceofacowledman.
Butthenhesaidthathistirelessfatewouldbringforth,whenthestrifelulledforamoment,amantoaskofhimanexplanation.
Inimaginationhefeltthescrutinyofhiscompanionsashepainfullylaboredthroughsomelies.
Eventually,hiscourageexpendeditselfupontheseobjections.Thedebatesdrainedhimofhisfire.
Hewasnotcastdownbythisdefeatofhisplan,for,uponstudyingtheaffaircarefully,hecouldnotbutadmitthattheobjectionswereveryformidable.
Furthermore,variousailmentshadbeguntocryout.
Intheirpresencehecouldnotpersistinflyinghighwiththewingsofwar;theyrendereditalmostimpossibleforhimtoseehimselfinaheroiclight.Hetumbledheadlong.
Hediscoveredthathehadascorchingthirst.
Hisfacewassodryandgrimythathethoughthecouldfeelhisskincrackle.
Eachboneofhisbodyhadanacheinit,andseeminglythreatenedtobreakwitheachmovement.Hisfeetwereliketwosores.Also,hisbodywascallingforfood.
Itwasmorepowerfulthanadirecthunger.
Therewasadull,weight-likefeelinginhisstomach,and,whenhetriedtowalk,hisheadswayedandhetottered.Hecouldnotseewithdistinctness.
Smallpatchesofgreenmistfloatedbeforehisvision.
Whilehehadbeentossedbymanyemotions,hehadnotbeenawareofailments.Nowthebesethimandmadeclamor.
Ashewasatlastcompelledtopayattentiontothem,hiscapacityforself-hatewasmultiplied.
Indespair,hedeclaredthathewasnotlikethoseothers.
Henowconcededittobeimpossiblethatheshouldeverbecomeahero.Hewasacravenloon.
Thosepicturesofglorywerepiteousthings.
Hegroanedfromhisheartandwentstaggeringoff.
Acertainmothlikequalitywithinhimkepthiminthevicinityofthebattle.Hehadagreatdesiretosee,andtogetnews.Hewishedtoknowwhowaswinning.
Hetoldhimselfthat,despitehisunprecedentedsuffering,hehadneverlosthisgreedforavictory,yet,hesaid,inahalf-apologeticmannertohisconscience,hecouldnotbutknowthatadefeatforthearmythistimemightmeanmanyfavorablethingsforhim.
Theblowsoftheenemywouldsplinterregimentsintofragments.
Thus,manymenofcourage,heconsidered,wouldbeobligedtodesertthecolorsandscurrylikechickens.Hewouldappearasoneofthem.
Theywouldbesullenbrothersindistress,andhecouldtheneasilybelievehehadnotrunanyfartherorfasterthanthey.
Andifhehimselfcouldbelieveinhisvirtuousperfection,heconceivedthattherewouldbesmalltroubleinconvincingallothers.
Hesaid,asifinexcuseforthishope,thatpreviouslythearmyhadencounteredgreatdefeatsandinafewmonthshadshakenoffallbloodandtraditionofthem,emergingasbrightandvaliantasanewone;thrustingoutofsightthememoryofdisaster,andappearingwiththevalorandconfidenceofunconqueredlegions.
Theshrillingvoicesofthepeopleathomewouldpipedismallyforatime,butvariousgeneralwereusuallycompelledtolistentotheseditties.
Heofcoursefeltnocompunctionsforproposingageneralasasacrifice.
Hecouldnottellwhothechosenforthebarbsmightbe,sohecouldcenternodirectsympathyuponhim.
Thepeoplewereafarandhedidnotconceivepublicopiniontobeaccurateatlongrange.
Itwasquiteprobabletheywouldhitthewrongmanwho,afterhehadrecoveredfromhisamazementwouldperhapsspendtherestofhisdaysinwritingrepliestothesongsofhisallegedfailure.
Itwouldbeveryunfortunate,nodoubt,butinthiscaseageneralwasofnoconsequencetotheyouth.
Inadefeattherewouldbearoundaboutvindicationofhimself.
Hethoughtitwouldprove,inamanner,thathehadfledearlybecauseofhissuperiorpowersofperception.
Aseriousprophetuponpredictingafloodshouldbethefirstmantoclimbatree.
Thiswoulddemonstratethathewasindeedaseer.
Amoralvindicationwasregardedbytheyouthasaveryimportantthing.
Withoutsalve,hecouldnot,hethough,werethesorebadgeofhisdishonorthroughlife.
Withhisheartcontinuallyassuringhimthathewasdespicable,hecouldnotexistwithoutmakingit,throughhisactions,apparenttoallmen.
Ifthearmyhadgonegloriouslyonhewouldbelost.
Ifthedinmeantthatnowhisarmy’sflagsweretiltedforwardhewasacondemnedwretch.
Hewouldbecompelledtodoomhimselftoisolation.
Ifthemenwereadvancing,theirindifferentfeetweretramplinguponhischancesforasuccessfullife.
Asthesethoughtswentrapidlythroughhismind,heturneduponthemandtriedtothrustthemaway.Hedenouncedhimselfasavillain.
Hesaidthathewasthemostunutterablyselfishmaninexistence.
Hismindpicturedthesoldierswhowouldplacetheirdefiantbodiesbeforethespearoftheyellingbattlefiend,andashesawtheirdrippingcorpsesonanimaginedfield,hesaidthathewastheirmurderer.
Againhethoughtthathewishedhewasdead.Hebelievedthatheenviedacorpse.
Thinkingoftheslain,heachievedagreatcontemptforsomeofthem,asiftheywereguiltyforthusbecominglifeless.
Theymighthavebeenkilledbyluckychances,hesaid,beforetheyhadhadopportunitiestofleeorbeforetheyhadbeenreallytested.
Yettheywouldreceivelaurelsfromtradition.
Hecriedoutbitterlythattheircrownswerestolenandtheirrobesofgloriousmemorieswereshams.
However,hestillsaidthatitwasagreatpityhewasnotasthey.
Adefeatofthearmyhadsuggesteditselftohimasameansofescapefromtheconsequencesofhisfall.
Heconsidered,now,however,thatitwasuselesstothinkofsuchapossibility.
Hiseducationhadbeenthatsuccessforthatmightbluemachinewascertain;thatitwouldmakevictoriesasacontrivanceturnsoutbuttons.
Hepresentlydiscardedallhisspeculationsintheotherdirection.Hereturnedtothecreedofsoldiers.
Whenheperceivedagainthatitwasnotpossibleforthearmytobedefeated,hetriedtobethinkhimofafinetalewhichhecouldtakebacktohisregiment,andwithitturntheexpectedshaftsofderision.
But,ashemortallyfearedtheseshafts,itbecameimpossibleforhimtoinventatalehefelthecouldtrust.
Heexperimentedwithmanyschemes,butthrewthemasideonebyoneasflimsy.
Hewasquicktoseevulnerableplacesinthemall.
Furthermore,hewasmuchafraidthatsomearrowofscornmightlayhimmentallylowbeforehecouldraisehisprotectingtale.
Heimaginedthewholeregimentsaying:“Where’sHenryFleming?Herun,didn’t‘e?Oh,my!”
Herecalledvariouspersonswhowouldbequitesuretoleavehimnopeaceaboutit.
Theywoulddoubtlessquestionhimwithsneers,andlaughathisstammeringhesitation.
Inthenextengagementtheywouldtrytokeepwatchofhimtodiscoverwhenhewouldrun.
Whereverhewentincamp,hewouldencounterinsolentandlingeringlycruelstares.Asheimaginedhimselfpassingnearacrowdofcomrades,hecouldhearonesay,“Therehegoes!”
Then,asiftheheadsweremovedbyonemuscle,allthefaceswereturnedtowardhimwithwide,derisivegrins.
Heseemedtohearsomeonemakeahumorousremarkinalowtone.
Atittheothersallcrowedandcackled.Hewasaslangphrase.
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