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Asitwouldbe,bynomeans,seemlyinahumbleauthortokeepsomightyapersonageasabeadlewaiting,withhisbacktothefire,andtheskirtsofhiscoatgatheredupunderhisarms,untilsuchtimeasitmightsuithispleasuretorelievehim;andasitwouldstilllessbecomehisstation,orhisgallantrytoinvolveinthesameneglectaladyonwhomthatbeadlehadlookedwithaneyeoftendernessandaffection,andinwhoseearhehadwhisperedsweetwords,which,comingfromsuchaquarter,mightwellthrillthebosomofmaidormatronofwhatsoeverdegree;thehistorianwhosepentracesthesewords—trustingthatheknowshisplace,andthatheentertainsabecomingreverenceforthoseuponearthtowhomhighandimportantauthorityisdelegated—hastenstopaythemthatrespectwhichtheirpositiondemands,andtotreatthemwithallthatduteousceremonywhichtheirexaltedrank,and(byconsequence)greatvirtues,imperativelyclaimathishands.
Towardsthisend,indeed,hehadpurposedtointroduce,inthisplace,adissertationtouchingthedivinerightofbeadles,andelucidativeoftheposition,thatabeadlecandonowrong:whichcouldnotfailtohavebeenbothpleasurableandprofitabletotheright-mindedreaderbutwhichheisunfortunatelycompelled,bywantoftimeandspace,topostponetosomemoreconvenientandfittingopportunity;onthearrivalofwhich,hewillbepreparedtoshow,thatabeadleproperlyconstituted:thatistosay,aparochialbeadle,attachedtoaparochailworkhouse,andattendinginhisofficialcapacitytheparochialchurch:is,inrightandvirtueofhisoffice,possessedofalltheexcellencesandbestqualitiesofhumanity;andthattononeofthoseexcellences,canmerecompanies’beadles,orcourt-of-lawbeadles,orevenchapel-of-easebeadles(savethelast,andtheyinaverylowlyandinferiordegree),laytheremotestsustainableclaim.
Mr.Bumblehadre-countedtheteaspoons,re-weighedthesugar-tongs,madeacloserinspectionofthemilk-pot,andascertainedtoanicetytheexactconditionofthefurniture,downtotheveryhorse-hairseatsofthechairs;andhadrepeatedeachprocessfullhalfadozentimes;beforehebegantothinkthatitwastimeforMrs.Corneytoreturn.
Thinkingbegetsthinking;astherewerenosoundsofMrs.Corney’sapproach,itoccuredtoMr.Bumblethatitwouldbeaninnocentandvirtuouswayofspendingthetime,ifhewerefurthertoallayhiscuriousitybyacursoryglanceattheinteriorofMrs.Corney’schestofdrawers.
Havinglistenedatthekeyhole,toassurehimselfthatnobodywasapproachingthechamber,Mr.Bumble,beginningatthebottom,proceededtomakehimselfacquaintedwiththecontentsofthethreelongdrawers:which,beingfilledwithvariousgarmentsofgoodfashionandtexture,carefullypreservedbetweentwolayersofoldnewspapers,speckledwithdriedlavender:seemedtoyieldhimexceedingsatisfaction.
Arriving,incourseoftime,attheright-handcornerdrawer(inwhichwasthekey),andbeholdingthereinasmallpadlockedbox,which,beingshaken,gaveforthapleasantsound,asofthechinkingofcoin,Mr.Bumblereturnedwithastatelywalktothefireplace;and,resuminghisoldattitude,said,withagraveanddeterminedair,‘I’lldoit!’
Hefollowedupthisremarkabledeclaration,byshakinghisheadinawaggishmannerfortenminutes,asthoughhewereremonstratingwithhimselfforbeingsuchapleasantdog;andthen,hetookaviewofhislegsinprofile,withmuchseemingpleasureandinterest.
Hewasstillplacidlyengagedinthislattersurvey,whenMrs.Corney,hurryingintotheroom,threwherself,inabreathlessstate,onachairbythefireside,andcoveringhereyeswithonehand,placedtheotheroverherheart,andgaspedforbreath.
‘Mrs.Corney,’saidMr.Bumble,stoopingoverthematron,‘whatisthis,ma’am?Hasanythinghappened,ma’am?
Prayanswerme:I’mon—on—’Mr.Bumble,inhisalarm,couldnotimmediatelythinkoftheword‘tenterhooks,’sohesaid‘brokenbottles.’
‘Oh,Mr.Bumble!’criedthelady,‘Ihavebeensodreadfullyputout!’
‘Putout,ma’am!’exclaimedMr.Bumble;‘whohasdaredto—?Iknow!’saidMr.Bumble,checkinghimself,withnativemajesty,‘thisisthemwiciouspaupers!’
‘It’sdreadfultothinkof!’saidthelady,shuddering.
‘Thendon’tthinkofit,ma’am,’rejoinedMr.Bumble.
‘Ican’thelpit,’whimperedthelady.
‘Thentakesomething,ma’am,’saidMr.Bumblesoothingly.‘Alittleofthewine?’
‘Notfortheworld!’repliedMrs.Corney.‘Icouldn’t,—oh!
Thetopshelfintheright-handcorner—oh!’
Utteringthesewords,thegoodladypointed,distractedly,tothecupboard,andunderwentaconvulsionfrominternalspasms.
Mr.Bumblerushedtothecloset;and,snatchingapintgreen-glassbottlefromtheshelfthusincoherentlyindicated,filledatea-cupwithitscontents,andheldittothelady’slips.
‘I’mbetternow,’saidMrs.Corney,fallingback,afterdrinkinghalfofit.
Mr.Bumbleraisedhiseyespiouslytotheceilinginthankfulness;and,bringingthemdownagaintothebrimofthecup,liftedittohisnose.
‘Peppermint,’exclaimedMrs.Corney,inafaintvoice,smilinggentlyonthebeadleasshespoke.‘Tryit!There’salittle—alittlesomethingelseinit.’
Mr.Bumbletastedthemedicinewithadoubtfullook;smackedhislips;tookanothertaste;andputthecupdownempty.
‘It’sverycomforting,’saidMrs.Corney.
‘Verymuchsoindeed,ma’am,’saidthebeadle.Ashespoke,hedrewachairbesidethematron,andtenderlyinquiredwhathadhappenedtodistressher.
‘Nothing,’repliedMrs.Corney.‘Iamafoolish,excitable,weakcreetur.’
‘Notweak,ma’am,’retortedMr.Bumble,drawinghischairalittlecloser.‘Areyouaweakcreetur,Mrs.Corney?’
‘Weareallweakcreeturs,’saidMrs.Corney,layingdownageneralprinciple.
‘Soweare,’saidthebeadle.
Nothingwassaidoneitherside,foraminuteortwoafterwards.
Bytheexpirationofthattime,Mr.BumblehadillustratedthepositionbyremovinghisleftarmfromthebackofMrs.Corney’schair,whereithadpreviouslyrested,toMrs.Corney’sapron-string,roundwhichitgraduallybecameentwined.
‘Weareallweakcreeturs,’saidMr.Bumble.
Mrs.Corneysighed.
‘Don’tsigh,Mrs.Corney,’saidMr.Bumble.
‘Ican’thelpit,’saidMrs.Corney.Andshesighedagain.
‘Thisisaverycomfortableroom,ma’am,’saidMr.Bumblelookinground.‘Anotherroom,andthis,ma’am,wouldbeacompletething.’
‘Itwouldbetoomuchforone,’murmuredthelady.
‘Butnotfortwo,ma’am,’rejoinedMr.Bumble,insoftaccents.‘Eh,Mrs.Corney?’
Mrs.Corneydroopedherhead,whenthebeadlesaidthis;thebeadledroopedhis,togetaviewofMrs.Corney’sface.
Mrs.Corney,withgreatpropriety,turnedherheadaway,andreleasedherhandtogetatherpocket-handkerchief;butinsensiblyreplaceditinthatofMr.Bumble.
‘Theboardallowsyoucoals,don’tthey,Mrs.Corney?’inquiredthebeadle,affectionatelypressingherhand.
‘Andcandles,’repliedMrs.Corney,slightlyreturningthepressure.
‘Coals,candles,andhouse-rentfree,’saidMr.Bumble.‘Oh,Mrs.Corney,whatanAngelyouare!’
Theladywasnotproofagainstthisburstoffeeling.ShesankintoMr.Bumble’sarms;andthatgentlemaninhisagitation,imprintedapassionatekissuponherchastenose.
‘Suchporochialperfection!’exclaimedMr.Bumble,rapturously.‘YouknowthatMr.Sloutisworseto-night,myfascinator?’
‘Yes,’repliedMrs.Corney,bashfully.
‘Hecan’tliveaweek,thedoctorsays,’pursuedMr.Bumble.
‘Heisthemasterofthisestablishment;hisdeathwillcauseawacancy;thatwacancymustbefilledup.
Oh,Mrs.Corney,whataprospectthisopens!
Whataopportunityforajiningofheartsandhousekeepings!’
Mrs.Corneysobbed.
‘Thelittleword?’saidMr.Bumble,bendingoverthebashfulbeauty.‘Theonelittle,little,littleword,myblessedCorney?’
‘Ye—ye—yes!’sighedoutthematron.
‘Onemore,’pursuedthebeadle;‘composeyourdarlingfeelingsforonlyonemore.Whenisittocomeoff?’
Mrs.Corneytwiceessayedtospeak:andtwicefailed.
Atlengthsummoningupcourage,shethrewherarmsaroundMr.Bumble’sneck,andsaid,itmightbeassoonaseverhepleased,andthathewas‘airresistibleduck.’
Mattersbeingthusamicablyandsatisfactorilyarranged,thecontractwassolemnlyratifiedinanotherteacupfulofthepeppermintmixture;whichwasrenderedthemorenecessary,bytheflutterandagitationofthelady’sspirits.
Whileitwasbeingdisposedof,sheacquaintedMr.Bumblewiththeoldwoman’sdecease.
‘Verygood,’saidthatgentleman,sippinghispeppermint;‘I’llcallatSowerberry’sasIgohome,andtellhimtosendto-morrowmorning.Wasitthatasfrightenedyou,love?’
‘Itwasn’tanythingparticular,dear,’saidtheladyevasively.
‘Itmusthavebeensomething,love,’urgedMr.Bumble.‘Won’tyoutellyourownB.?’
‘Notnow,’rejoinedthelady;‘oneofthesedays.Afterwe’remarried,dear.’
‘Afterwe’remarried!’exclaimedMr.Bumble.‘Itwasn’tanyimpudencefromanyofthemmalepaupersas—’
‘No,no,love!’interposedthelady,hastily.
‘IfIthoughtitwas,’continuedMr.Bumble;‘ifIthoughtasanyoneof‘emhaddaredtolifthiswulgareyestothatlovelycountenance—’
‘Theywouldn’thavedaredtodoit,love,’respondedthelady.
‘Theyhadbetternot!’saidMr.Bumble,clenchinghisfist.‘Letmeseeanyman,porochialorextra-porochial,aswouldpresumetodoit;andIcantellhimthathewouldn’tdoitasecondtime!’
Unembellishedbyanyviolenceofgesticulation,thismighthaveseemednoveryhighcomplimenttothelady’scharms;but,asMr.Bumbleaccompaniedthethreatwithmanywarlikegestures,shewasmuchtouchedwiththisproofofhisdevotion,andprotested,withgreatadmiration,thathewasindeedadove.
Thedovethenturneduphiscoat-collar,andputonhiscockedhat;and,havingexchangedalongandaffectionateembracewithhisfuturepartner,onceagainbravedthecoldwindofthenight:merelypausing,forafewminutes,inthemalepaupers’ward,toabusethemalittle,withtheviewofsatisfyinghimselfthathecouldfilltheofficeofworkhouse-masterwithneedfulacerbity.
Assuredofhisqualifications,Mr.Bumbleleftthebuildingwithalightheart,andbrightvisionsofhisfuturepromotion:whichservedtooccupyhisminduntilhereachedtheshopoftheundertaker.
Now,Mr.andMrs.Sowerberryhavinggoneouttoteaandsupper:andNoahClaypolenotbeingatanytimedisposedtotakeuponhimselfagreateramountofphysicalexertionthanisnecessarytoaconvenientperformanceofthetwofunctionsofeatinganddrinking,theshopwasnotclosed,althoughitwaspasttheusualhourofshutting-up.
Mr.Bumbletappedwithhiscaneonthecounterseveraltimes;but,attractingnoattention,andbeholdingalightshiningthroughtheglass-windowofthelittleparlouratthebackoftheshop,hemadeboldtopeepinandseewhatwasgoingforward;andwhenhesawwhatwasgoingforward,hewasnotalittlesurprised.
Theclothwaslaidforsupper;thetablewascoveredwithbreadandbutter,platesandglasses;aporter-potandawine-bottle.
Attheupperendofthetable,Mr.NoahClaypolelollednegligentlyinaneasy-chair,withhislegsthrownoveroneofthearms:anopenclasp-knifeinonehand,andamassofbutteredbreadintheother.
ClosebesidehimstoodCharlotte,openingoystersfromabarrel:whichMr.Claypolecondescendedtoswallow,withremarkableavidity.
Amorethanordinaryrednessintheregionoftheyounggentleman’snose,andakindoffixedwinkinhisrighteye,denotedthathewasinaslightdegreeintoxicated;thesesymptomswereconfirmedbytheintenserelishwithwhichhetookhisoysters,forwhichnothingbutastrongappreciationoftheircoolingproperties,incasesofinternalfever,couldhavesufficientlyaccounted.
‘Here’sadeliciousfatone,Noah,dear!’saidCharlotte;‘tryhim,do;onlythisone.’
‘Whatadeliciousthingisaoyster!’remarkedMr.Claypole,afterhehadswallowedit.‘Whatapityitis,anumberof‘emshouldevermakeyoufeeluncomfortable;isn’tit,Charlotte?’
‘It’squiteacruelty,’saidCharlotte.
‘Soitis,’acquiescedMr.Claypole.‘An’tyerfondofoysters?’
‘Notovermuch,’repliedCharlotte.‘Iliketoseeyoueat‘em,Noahdear,betterthaneating‘emmyself.’
‘Lor!’saidNoah,reflectively;‘howqueer!’
‘Haveanother,’saidCharlotte.‘Here’sonewithsuchabeautiful,delicatebeard!’
‘Ican’tmanageanymore,’saidNoah.‘I’mverysorry.Comehere,Charlotte,andI’llkissyer.’
‘What!’saidMr.Bumble,burstingintotheroom.‘Saythatagain,sir.’
Charlotteutteredascream,andhidherfaceinherapron.
Mr.Claypole,withoutmakinganyfurtherchangeinhispositionthansufferinghislegstoreachtheground,gazedatthebeadleindrunkenterror.
‘Sayitagain,youwile,owdaciousfellow!’saidMr.Bumble.
‘Howdareyoumentionsuchathing,sir?
Andhowdareyouencouragehim,youinsolentminx?Kissher!’
exclaimedMr.Bumble,instrongindignation.‘Faugh!’
‘Ididn’tmeantodoit!’saidNoah,blubbering.‘She’salwaysa-kissingofme,whetherIlikeit,ornot.’
‘Oh,Noah,’criedCharlotte,reproachfully.
‘Yerare;yerknowyerare!’retortedNoah.‘She’salwaysa-doin’ofit,Mr.Bumble,sir;shechucksmeunderthechin,please,sir;andmakesallmanneroflove!’
‘Silence!’criedMr.Bumble,sternly.‘Takeyourselfdownstairs,ma’am.
Noah,youshutuptheshop;sayanotherwordtillyourmastercomeshome,atyourperil;and,whenhedoescomehome,tellhimthatMr.Bumblesaidhewastosendaoldwoman’sshellafterbreakfastto-morrowmorning.Doyouhearsir?Kissing!’criedMr.Bumble,holdinguphishands.
‘Thesinandwickednessofthelowerordersinthisporochialdistrictisfrightful!
IfParliamentdon’ttaketheirabominablecoursesunderconsideration,thiscountry’sruined,andthecharacterofthepeasantrygoneforever!’
Withthesewords,thebeadlestrode,withaloftyandgloomyair,fromtheundertaker’spremises.
Andnowthatwehaveaccompaniedhimsofaronhisroadhome,andhavemadeallnecessarypreparationsfortheoldwoman’sfuneral,letussetonfootafewinquiresafteryoungOliverTwist,andascertainwhetherhebestilllyingintheditchwhereTobyCrackitlefthim.
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