English
Thenightwasbittercold.Thesnowlayontheground,frozenintoahardthickcrust,sothatonlytheheapsthathaddriftedintobywaysandcornerswereaffectedbythesharpwindthathowledabroad:which,asifexpendingincreasedfuryonsuchpreyasitfound,caughtitsavagelyupinclouds,and,whirlingitintoathousandmistyeddies,scattereditinair.
Bleak,dark,andpiercingcold,itwasanightforthewell-housedandfedtodrawroundthebrightfireandthankGodtheywereathome;andforthehomeless,starvingwretchtolayhimdownanddie.
Manyhunger-wornoutcastsclosetheireyesinourbarestreets,atsuchtimes,who,lettheircrimeshavebeenwhattheymay,canhardlyopentheminamorebitterworld.
Suchwastheaspectofout-of-doorsaffairs,whenMrs.Corney,thematronoftheworkhousetowhichourreadershavebeenalreadyintroducedasthebirthplaceofOliverTwist,satherselfdownbeforeacheerfulfireinherownlittleroom,andglanced,withnosmalldegreeofcomplacency,atasmallroundtable:onwhichstoodatrayofcorrespondingsize,furnishedwithallnecessarymaterialsforthemostgratefulmealthatmatronsenjoy.
Infact,Mrs.Corneywasabouttosolaceherselfwithacupoftea.
Assheglancedfromthetabletothefireplace,wherethesmallestofallpossiblekettleswassingingasmallsonginasmallvoice,herinwardsatisfactionevidentlyincreased,—somuchso,indeed,thatMrs.Corneysmiled.
‘Well!’saidthematron,leaningherelbowonthetable,andlookingreflectivelyatthefire;‘I’msurewehaveallonusagreatdealtobegratefulfor!Agreatdeal,ifwedidbutknowit.Ah!’
Mrs.Corneyshookherheadmournfully,asifdeploringthementalblindnessofthosepauperswhodidnotknowit;andthrustingasilverspoon(privateproperty)intotheinmostrecessesofatwo-ouncetintea-caddy,proceededtomakethetea.
Howslightathingwilldisturbtheequanimityofourfrailminds!
Theblackteapot,beingverysmallandeasilyfilled,ranoverwhileMrs.Corneywasmoralising;andthewaterslightlyscaldedMrs.Corney’shand.
‘Dratthepot!’saidtheworthymatron,settingitdownveryhastilyonthehob;‘alittlestupidthing,thatonlyholdsacoupleofcups!Whatuseisitof,toanybody!
Except,’saidMrs.Corney,pausing,‘excepttoapoordesolatecreaturelikeme.Ohdear!’
Withthesewords,thematrondroppedintoherchair,and,oncemorerestingherelbowonthetable,thoughtofhersolitaryfate.
Thesmallteapot,andthesinglecup,hadawakenedinhermindsadrecollectionsofMr.Corney(whohadnotbeendeadmorethanfive-and-twentyyears);andshewasoverpowered.
‘Ishallnevergetanother!’saidMrs.Corney,pettishly;‘Ishallnevergetanother—likehim.’
Whetherthisremarkborereferencetothehusband,ortheteapot,isuncertain.
Itmighthavebeenthelatter;forMrs.Corneylookedatitasshespoke;andtookitupafterwards.
Shehadjusttastedherfirstcup,whenshewasdisturbedbyasofttapattheroom-door.
‘Oh,comeinwithyou!’saidMrs.Corney,sharply.‘Someoftheoldwomendying,Isuppose.TheyalwaysdiewhenI’matmeals.Don’tstandthere,lettingthecoldairin,don’t.What’samissnow,eh?’
‘Nothing,ma’am,nothing,’repliedaman’svoice.
‘Dearme!’exclaimedthematron,inamuchsweetertone,‘isthatMr.Bumble?’
‘Atyourservice,ma’am,’saidMr.Bumble,whohadbeenstoppingoutsidetorubhisshoesclean,andtoshakethesnowoffhiscoat;andwhonowmadehisappearance,bearingthecockedhatinonehandandabundleintheother.‘ShallIshutthedoor,ma’am?’
Theladymodestlyhesitatedtoreply,lestthereshouldbeanyimproprietyinholdinganinterviewwithMr.Bumble,withcloseddoors.
Mr.Bumbletakingadvantageofthehesitation,andbeingverycoldhimself,shutitwithoutpermission.
‘Hardweather,Mr.Bumble,’saidthematron.
‘Hard,indeed,ma’am,’repliedthebeadle.‘Anti-porochialweatherthis,ma’am.
Wehavegivenaway,Mrs.Corney,wehavegivenawayamatteroftwentyquarternloavesandacheeseandahalf,thisveryblessedafternoon;andyetthempaupersarenotcontented.’
‘Ofcoursenot.Whenwouldtheybe,Mr.Bumble?’saidthematron,sippinghertea.
‘When,indeed,ma’am!’rejoinedMr.Bumble.
‘Whyhere’sonemanthat,inconsiderationofhiswifeandlargefamily,hasaquarternloafandagoodpoundofcheese,fullweight.Ishegrateful,ma’am?Ishegrateful?Notacopperfarthing’sworthofit!
Whatdoeshedo,ma’am,butaskforafewcoals;ifit’sonlyapockethandkerchieffull,hesays!Coals!Whatwouldhedowithcoals?
Toasthischeesewith‘emandthencomebackformore.
That’sthewaywiththesepeople,ma’am;give‘emaapronfullofcoalsto-day,andthey’llcomebackforanother,thedayafterto-morrow,asbrazenasalabaster.’
Thematronexpressedherentireconcurrenceinthisintelligiblesimile;andthebeadlewenton.
‘Inever,’saidMr.Bumble,‘seeanythinglikethepitchit’sgotto.
Thedayaforeyesterday,aman—youhavebeenamarriedwoman,ma’am,andImaymentionittoyou—aman,withhardlyaraguponhisback(hereMrs.Corneylookedatthefloor),goestoouroverseer’sdoorwhenhehasgotcompanycomingtodinner;andsays,hemustberelieved,Mrs.Corney.
Ashewouldn’tgoaway,andshockedthecompanyverymuch,ouroverseersenthimoutapoundofpotatoesandhalfapintofoatmeal.“Myheart!”
saystheungratefulvillain,“what’stheuseofthistome?
Youmightaswellgivemeapairofironspectacles!”
“Verygood,”saysouroverseer,taking‘emawayagain,“youwon’tgetanythingelsehere.”“ThenI’lldieinthestreets!”saysthevagrant.“Ohno,youwon’t,”saysouroverseer.’
‘Ha!ha!Thatwasverygood!SolikeMr.Grannett,wasn’tit?’interposedthematron.‘Well,Mr.Bumble?’
‘Well,ma’am,’rejoinedthebeadle,‘hewentaway;andhediddieinthestreets.There’saobstinatepauperforyou!’
‘ItbeatsanythingIcouldhavebelieved,’observedthematronemphatically.
‘Butdon’tyouthinkout-of-doorreliefaverybadthing,anyway,Mr.Bumble?
You’reagentlemanofexperience,andoughttoknow.Come.’
‘Mrs.Corney,’saidthebeadle,smilingasmensmilewhoareconsciousofsuperiorinformation,‘out-of-doorrelief,properlymanaged:properlymanaged,ma’am:istheporochialsafeguard.
Thegreatprincipleofout-of-doorreliefis,togivethepaupersexactlywhattheydon’twant;andthentheygettiredofcoming.’
‘Dearme!’exclaimedMrs.Corney.‘Well,thatisagoodone,too!’
‘Yes.Betwixtyouandme,ma’am,’returnedMr.Bumble,‘that’sthegreatprinciple;andthat’sthereasonwhy,ifyoulookatanycasesthatgetintothemowdaciousnewspapers,you’llalwaysobservethatsickfamilieshavebeenrelievedwithslicesofcheese.
That’stherulenow,Mrs.Corney,alloverthecountry.
But,however,’saidthebeadle,stoppingtounpackhisbundle,‘theseareofficialsecrets,ma’am;nottobespokenof;except,asImaysay,amongtheporochialofficers,suchasourselves.
Thisistheportwine,ma’am,thattheboardorderedfortheinfirmary;real,fresh,genuineportwine;onlyoutofthecaskthisforenoon;clearasabell,andnosediment!’
Havingheldthefirstbottleuptothelight,andshakenitwelltotestitsexcellence,Mr.Bumbleplacedthembothontopofachestofdrawers;foldedthehandkerchiefinwhichtheyhadbeenwrapped;putitcarefullyinhispocket;andtookuphishat,asiftogo.
‘You’llhaveaverycoldwalk,Mr.Bumble,’saidthematron.
‘Itblows,ma’am,’repliedMr.Bumble,turninguphiscoat-collar,‘enoughtocutone’searsoff.’
Thematronlooked,fromthelittlekettle,tothebeadle,whowasmovingtowardsthedoor;andasthebeadlecoughed,preparatorytobiddinghergood-night,bashfullyinquiredwhether—whetherhewouldn’ttakeacupoftea?
Mr.Bumbleinstantaneouslyturnedbackhiscollaragain;laidhishatandstickuponachair;anddrewanotherchairuptothetable.
Asheslowlyseatedhimself,helookedatthelady.
Shefixedhereyesuponthelittleteapot.
Mr.Bumblecoughedagain,andslightlysmiled.
Mrs.Corneyrosetogetanothercupandsaucerfromthecloset.
Asshesatdown,hereyesonceagainencounteredthoseofthegallantbeadle;shecoloured,andappliedherselftothetaskofmakinghistea.
AgainMr.Bumblecoughed—louderthistimethanhehadcoughedyet.
‘Sweet?Mr.Bumble?’inquiredthematron,takingupthesugar-basin.
‘Verysweet,indeed,ma’am,’repliedMr.Bumble.HefixedhiseyesonMrs.Corneyashesaidthis;andifeverabeadlelookedtender,Mr.Bumblewasthatbeadleatthatmoment.
Theteawasmade,andhandedinsilence.
Mr.Bumble,havingspreadahandkerchiefoverhiskneestopreventthecrumbsfromsullyingthesplendourofhisshorts,begantoeatanddrink;varyingtheseamusements,occasionally,byfetchingadeepsigh;which,however,hadnoinjuriouseffectuponhisappetite,but,onthecontrary,ratherseemedtofacilitatehisoperationsintheteaandtoastdepartment.
‘Youhaveacat,ma’am,Isee,’saidMr.Bumble,glancingatonewho,inthecentreofherfamily,wasbaskingbeforethefire;‘andkittenstoo,Ideclare!’
‘Iamsofondofthem,Mr.Bumble,youcan’tthink,’repliedthematron.‘They’resohappy,sofrolicsome,andsocheerful,thattheyarequitecompanionsforme.’
‘Veryniceanimals,ma’am,’repliedMr.Bumble,approvingly;‘soverydomestic.’
‘Oh,yes!’rejoinedthematronwithenthusiasm;‘sofondoftheirhometoo,thatit’squiteapleasure,I’msure.’
‘Mrs.Corney,ma’am,’saidMr.Bumble,slowly,andmarkingthetimewithhisteaspoon,‘Imeantosaythis,ma’am;thatanycat,orkitten,thatcouldlivewithyou,ma’am,andnotbefondofitshome,mustbeaass,ma’am.’
‘Oh,Mr.Bumble!’remonstratedMrs.Corney.
‘It’sofnousedisguisingfacts,ma’am,’saidMr.Bumble,slowlyflourishingtheteaspoonwithakindofamorousdignitywhichmadehimdoublyimpressive;‘Iwoulddrownitmyself,withpleasure.’
‘Thenyou’reacruelman,’saidthematronvivaciously,assheheldoutherhandforthebeadle’scup;‘andaveryhard-heartedmanbesides.’
‘Hard-hearted,ma’am?’saidMr.Bumble.‘Hard?’
Mr.Bumbleresignedhiscupwithoutanotherword;squeezedMrs.Corney’slittlefingerasshetookit;andinflictingtwoopen-handedslapsuponhislacedwaistcoat,gaveamightysigh,andhitchedhischairaverylittlemorselfartherfromthefire.
Itwasaroundtable;andasMrs.CorneyandMr.Bumblehadbeensittingoppositeeachother,withnogreatspacebetweenthem,andfrontingthefire,itwillbeseenthatMr.Bumble,inrecedingfromthefire,andstillkeepingatthetable,increasedthedistancebetweenhimselfandMrs.Corney;whichproceeding,someprudentreaderswilldoubtlessbedisposedtoadmire,andtoconsideranactofgreatheroismonMr.Bumble’spart:hebeinginsomesorttemptedbytime,place,andopportunity,togiveutterancetocertainsoftnothings,whichhoweverwelltheymaybecomethelipsofthelightandthoughtless,doseemimmeasurablybeneaththedignityofjudgesoftheland,membersofparliament,ministersofstate,lordmayors,andothergreatpublicfunctionaries,butmoreparticularlybeneaththestatelinessandgravityofabeadle:who(asiswellknown)shouldbethesternestandmostinflexibleamongthemall.
WhateverwereMr.Bumble’sintentions,however(andnodoubttheywereofthebest):itunfortunatelyhappened,ashasbeentwicebeforeremarked,thatthetablewasaroundone;consequentlyMr.Bumble,movinghischairbylittleandlittle,soonbegantodiminishthedistancebetweenhimselfandthematron;and,continuingtotravelroundtheouteredgeofthecircle,broughthischair,intime,closetothatinwhichthematronwasseated.
Indeed,thetwochairstouched;andwhentheydidso,Mr.Bumblestopped.
Now,ifthematronhadmovedherchairtotheright,shewouldhavebeenscorchedbythefire;andiftotheleft,shemusthavefallenintoMr.Bumble’sarms;so(beingadiscreetmatron,andnodoubtforeseeingtheseconsequencesataglance)sheremainedwhereshewas,andhandedMr.Bumbleanothercupoftea.
‘Hard-hearted,Mrs.Corney?’saidMr.Bumble,stirringhistea,andlookingupintothematron’sface;‘areyouhard-hearted,Mrs.Corney?’
‘Dearme!’exclaimedthematron,‘whataverycuriousquestionfromasingleman.Whatcanyouwanttoknowfor,Mr.Bumble?’
Thebeadledrankhisteatothelastdrop;finishedapieceoftoast;whiskedthecrumbsoffhisknees;wipedhislips;anddeliberatelykissedthematron.
‘Mr.Bumble!’criedthatdiscreetladyinawhisper;forthefrightwassogreat,thatshehadquitelosthervoice,‘Mr.Bumble,Ishallscream!’
Mr.Bumblemadenoreply;butinaslowanddignifiedmanner,puthisarmroundthematron’swaist.
Astheladyhadstatedherintentionofscreaming,ofcourseshewouldhavescreamedatthisadditionalboldness,butthattheexertionwasrenderedunnecessarybyahastyknockingatthedoor:whichwasnosoonerheard,thanMr.Bumbledarted,withmuchagility,tothewinebottles,andbegandustingthemwithgreatviolence:whilethematronsharplydemandedwhowasthere.
Itisworthyofremark,asacuriousphysicalinstanceoftheefficacyofasuddensurpriseincounteractingtheeffectsofextremefear,thathervoicehadquiterecoveredallitsofficialasperity.
‘Ifyouplease,mistress,’saidawitheredoldfemalepauper,hideouslyugly:puttingherheadinatthedoor,‘OldSallyisa-goingfast.’
‘Well,what’sthattome?’angrilydemandedthematron.‘Ican’tkeepheralive,canI?’
‘No,no,mistress,’repliedtheoldwoman,‘nobodycan;she’sfarbeyondthereachofhelp.
I’veseenamanypeopledie;littlebabesandgreatstrongmen;andIknowwhendeath’sa-coming,wellenough.
Butshe’stroubledinhermind:andwhenthefitsarenotonher,—andthat’snotoften,forsheisdyingveryhard,—shesaysshehasgotsomethingtotell,whichyoumusthear.
She’llneverdiequiettillyoucome,mistress.’
Atthisintelligence,theworthyMrs.Corneymutteredavarietyofinvectivesagainstoldwomenwhocouldn’tevendiewithoutpurposelyannoyingtheirbetters;and,mufflingherselfinathickshawlwhichshehastilycaughtup,brieflyrequestedMr.Bumbletostaytillshecameback,lestanythingparticularshouldoccur.
Biddingthemessengerwalkfast,andnotbeallnighthobblingupthestairs,shefollowedherfromtheroomwithaveryillgrace,scoldingalltheway.
Mr.Bumble’sconductonbeinglefttohimself,wasratherinexplicable.
Heopenedthecloset,countedtheteaspoons,weighedthesugar-tongs,closelyinspectedasilvermilk-pottoascertainthatitwasofthegenuinemetal,and,havingsatisfiedhiscuriosityonthesepoints,putonhiscockedhatcorner-wise,anddancedwithmuchgravityfourdistincttimesroundthetable.
Havinggonethroughthisveryextraordinaryperformance,hetookoffthecockedhatagain,and,spreadinghimselfbeforethefirewithhisbacktowardsit,seemedtobementallyengagedintakinganexactinventoryofthefurniture.
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