English
Whateverhismotivemighthavebeen,Lauriestudiedtosomepurposethatyear,forhegraduatedwithhonor,andgavetheLatinorationwiththegraceofaPhillipsandtheeloquenceofaDemosthenes,sohisfriendssaid.
Theywereallthere,hisgrandfather––oh,soproud––Mr.andMrs.March,JohnandMeg,JoandBeth,andallexultedoverhimwiththesincereadmirationwhichboysmakelightofatthetime,butfailtowinfromtheworldbyanyafter–triumphs.
"I'vegottostayforthisconfoundedsupper,butIshallbehomeearlytomorrow.
You'llcomeandmeetmeasusual,girls?"
Lauriesaid,asheputthesistersintothecarriageafterthejoysofthedaywereover.
Hesaid'girls',buthemeantJo,forshewastheonlyonewhokeptuptheoldcustom.
Shehadnotthehearttorefusehersplendid,successfulboyanything,andansweredwarmly...
"I'llcome,Teddy,rainorshine,andmarchbeforeyou,playing'Hailtheconqueringherocomes'onajew's–harp."
Lauriethankedherwithalookthatmadeherthinkinasuddenpanic,"Oh,dearyme!Iknowhe'llsaysomething,andthenwhatshallIdo?"
Eveningmeditationandmorningworksomewhatallayedherfears,andhavingdecidedthatshewouldn'tbevainenoughtothinkpeopleweregoingtoproposewhenshehadgiventhemeveryreasontoknowwhatheranswerwouldbe,shesetforthattheappointedtime,hopingTeddywouldn'tdoanythingtomakeherhurthispoorfeelings.
AcallatMeg's,andarefreshingsniffandsipattheDaisyandDemijohn,stillfurtherfortifiedherforthetete–a–tete,butwhenshesawastalwartfigureloominginthedistance,shehadastrongdesiretoturnaboutandrunaway.
"Where'sthejew's–harp,Jo?"criedLaurie,assoonashewaswithinspeakingdistance.
"Iforgotit."AndJotookheartagain,forthatsalutationcouldnotbecalledlover–like.
Shealwaysusedtotakehisarmontheseoccasions,nowshedidnot,andhemadenocomplaint,whichwasabadsign,buttalkedonrapidlyaboutallsortsoffarawaysubjects,tilltheyturnedfromtheroadintothelittlepaththatledhomewardthroughthegrove.
Thenhewalkedmoreslowly,suddenlylosthisfineflowoflanguage,andnowandthenadreadfulpauseoccurred.
Torescuetheconversationfromoneofthewellsofsilenceintowhichitkeptfalling,Josaidhastily,"Nowyoumusthaveagoodlongholiday!"
"Iintendto."
SomethinginhisresolutetonemadeJolookupquicklytofindhimlookingdownatherwithanexpressionthatassuredherthedreadedmomenthadcome,andmadeherputoutherhandwithanimploring,"No,Teddy.Pleasedon't!"
"Iwill,andyoumusthearme.It'snouse,Jo,we'vegottohaveitout,andthesoonerthebetterforbothofus,"heanswered,gettingflushedandexcitedallatonce.
"Saywhatyoulikethen.I'lllisten,"saidJo,withadesperatesortofpatience.
Lauriewasayounglover,buthewasinearnest,andmeantto'haveitout',ifhediedintheattempt,soheplungedintothesubjectwithcharacteristicimpetuousity,sayinginavoicethatwouldgetchokynowandthen,inspiteofmanfuleffortstokeepitsteady...
"I'velovedyoueversinceI'veknownyou,Jo,couldn'thelpit,you'vebeensogoodtome.
I'vetriedtoshowit,butyouwouldn'tletme.
NowI'mgoingtomakeyouhear,andgivemeananswer,forIcan'tgoonsoanylonger."
"Iwantedtosaveyouthis.Ithoughtyou'dunderstand..."beganJo,findingitagreatdealharderthansheexpected.
"Iknowyoudid,butthegirlsaresoqueeryouneverknowwhattheymean.
Theysaynowhentheymeanyes,anddriveamanoutofhiswitsjustforthefunofit,"returnedLaurie,entrenchinghimselfbehindanundeniablefact.
"Idon't.Ineverwantedtomakeyoucareformeso,andIwentawaytokeepyoufromitifIcould."
"Ithoughtso.Itwaslikeyou,butitwasnouse.
Ionlylovedyouallthemore,andIworkedhardtopleaseyou,andIgaveupbilliardsandeverythingyoudidn'tlike,andwaitedandnevercomplained,forIhopedyou'dloveme,thoughI'mnothalfgoodenough..."Heretherewasachokethatcouldn'tbecontrolled,sohedecapitatedbuttercupswhileheclearedhis'confoundedthroat'.
"You,youare,you'reagreatdealtoogoodforme,andI'msogratefultoyou,andsoproudandfondofyou,Idon'tknowwhyIcan'tloveyouasyouwantmeto.
I'vetried,butIcan'tchangethefeeling,anditwouldbealietosayIdowhenIdon't."
"Really,truly,Jo?"
Hestoppedshort,andcaughtbothherhandsasheputhisquestionwithalookthatshedidnotsoonforget.
"Really,truly,dear."
Theywereinthegrovenow,closebythestile,andwhenthelastwordsfellreluctantlyfromJo'slips,Lauriedroppedherhandsandturnedasiftogoon,butforonceinhislifethefencewastoomuchforhim.
Sohejustlaidhisheaddownonthemossypost,andstoodsostillthatJowasfrightened.
"Oh,Teddy,I'msorry,sodesperatelysorry,Icouldkillmyselfifitwoulddoanygood!
Iwishyouwouldn'ttakeitsohard,Ican'thelpit.
Youknowit'simpossibleforpeopletomakethemselvesloveotherpeopleiftheydon't,"criedJoinelegantlybutremorsefully,asshesoftlypattedhisshoulder,rememberingthetimewhenhehadcomfortedhersolongago.
"Theydosometimes,"saidamuffledvoicefromthepost."Idon'tbelieveit'stherightsortoflove,andI'drathernottryit,"wasthedecidedanswer.
Therewasalongpause,whileablackbirdsungblithelyonthewillowbytheriver,andthetallgrassrustledinthewind.
PresentlyJosaidverysoberly,asshesatdownonthestepofthestile,"Laurie,Iwanttotellyousomething."
Hestartedasifhehadbeenshot,threwuphishead,andcriedoutinafiercetone,"Don'ttellmethat,Jo,Ican'tbearitnow!"
"Tellwhat?"sheasked,wonderingathisviolence.
"Thatyoulovethatoldman."
"Whatoldman?"demandedJo,thinkinghemustmeanhisgrandfather.
"ThatdevilishProfessoryouwerealwayswritingabout.
Ifyousayyoulovehim,IknowIshalldosomethingdesperate;"andhelookedasifhewouldkeephisword,asheclenchedhishandswithawrathfulsparkinhiseyes.
Jowantedtolaugh,butrestrainedherselfandsaidwarmly,forshetoo,wasgettingexcitedwithallthis,"Don'tswear,Teddy!
Heisn'told,noranythingbad,butgoodandkind,andthebestfriendI'vegot,nexttoyou.Pray,don'tflyintoapassion.
Iwanttobekind,butIknowIshallgetangryifyouabusemyProfessor.
Ihaven'ttheleastideaoflovinghimoranybodyelse."
"Butyouwillafterawhile,andthenwhatwillbecomeofme?"
"You'lllovesomeoneelsetoo,likeasensibleboy,andforgetallthistrouble."
"Ican'tloveanyoneelse,andI'llneverforgetyou,Jo,Never!Never!"withastamptoemphasizehispassionatewords.
"WhatshallIdowithhim?"sighedJo,findingthatemotionsweremoreunmanagablethansheexpected.
"Youhaven'theardwhatIwantedtotellyou.
Sitdownandlisten,forindeedIwanttodorightandmakeyouhappy,"shesaid,hopingtosoothehimwithalittlereason,whichprovedthatsheknewnothingaboutlove.
Seeingarayofhopeinthatlastspeech,Lauriethrewhimselfdownonthegrassatherfeet,leanedhisarmonthelowerstepofthestile,andlookedupatherwithanexpectantface.
NowthatarrangementwasnotconducivetocalmspeechorclearthoughtonJo'spart,forhowcouldshesayhardthingstoherboywhilehewatchedherwitheyesfullofloveandlonging,andlashesstillwetwiththebitterdroportwoherhardnessofhearthadwrungfromhim?
Shegentlyturnedhisheadaway,saying,asshestrokedthewavyhairwhichhadbeenallowedtogrowforhersake––howtouchingthatwas,tobesure!
"IagreewithMotherthatyouandIarenotsuitedtoeachother,becauseourquicktempersandstrongwillswouldprobablymakeusverymiserable,ifweweresofoolishasto..."Jopausedalittleoverthelastword,butLaurieuttereditwitharapturousexpression.
"Marry––noweshouldn't!Ifyoulovedme,Jo,Ishouldbeaperfectsaint,foryoucouldmakemeanythingyoulike."
"No,Ican't.I'vetriedandfailed,andIwon'triskourhappinessbysuchaseriousexperiment.
Wedon'tagreeandwenevershall,sowe'llbegoodfriendsallourlives,butwewon'tgoanddoanythingrash."
"Yes,wewillifwegetthechance,"mutteredLaurierebelliously.
"Nowdobereasonable,andtakeasensibleviewofthecase,"imploredJo,almostatherwit'send.
"Iwon'tbereasonable.Idon'twanttotakewhatyoucall'asensibleview'.Itwon'thelpme,anditonlymakesitharder.Idon'tbelieveyou'vegotanyheart."
"IwishIhadn't."
TherewasalittlequiverinJo'svoice,andthinkingitagoodomen,Laurieturnedround,bringingallhispersuasivepowerstobearashesaid,inthewheedlesometonethathadneverbeensodangerouslywheedlesomebefore,"Don'tdisappointus,dear!Everyoneexpectsit.
Grandpahassethisheartuponit,yourpeoplelikeit,andIcan'tgetonwithoutyou.Sayyouwill,andlet'sbehappy.Do,do!"
NotuntilmonthsafterwarddidJounderstandhowshehadthestrengthofmindtoholdfasttotheresolutionshehadmadewhenshedecidedthatshedidnotloveherboy,andnevercould.
Itwasveryhardtodo,butshedidit,knowingthatdelaywasbothuselessandcruel.
"Ican'tsay'yes'truly,soIwon'tsayitatall.You'llseethatI'mright,by–and–by,andthankmeforit..."shebegansolemnly.
"I'llbehangedifIdo!"andLauriebouncedupoffthegrass,burningwithindignationattheveryidea.
"Yes,youwill!"persistedJo.
"You'llgetoverthisafterawhile,andfindsomelovelyaccomplishedgirl,whowilladoreyou,andmakeafinemistressforyourfinehouse.Ishouldn't.
I'mhomelyandawkwardandoddandold,andyou'dbeashamedofme,andweshouldquarrel––wecan'thelpitevennow,yousee––andIshouldn'tlikeelegantsocietyandyouwould,andyou'dhatemyscribbling,andIcouldn'tgetonwithoutit,andweshouldbeunhappy,andwishwehadn'tdoneit,andeverythingwouldbehorrid!"
"Anythingmore?"askedLaurie,findingithardtolistenpatientlytothispropheticburst.
"Nothingmore,exceptthatIdon'tbelieveIshallevermarry.I'mhappyasIam,andlovemylibertytoowelltobeinahurrytogiveitupforanymortalman."
"Iknowbetter!"brokeinLaurie.
"Youthinksonow,butthere'llcomeatimewhenyouwillcareforsomebody,andyou'lllovehimtremendously,andliveanddieforhim.
Iknowyouwill,it'syourway,andIshallhavetostandbyandseeit,"andthedespairinglovercasthishatuponthegroundwithagesturethatwouldhaveseemedcomical,ifhisfacehadnotbeensotragic.
"Yes,Iwillliveanddieforhim,ifheevercomesandmakesmelovehiminspiteofmyself,andyoumustdothebestyoucan!"
criedJo,losingpatiencewithpoorTeddy.
"I'vedonemybest,butyouwon'tbereasonable,andit'sselfishofyoutokeepteasingforwhatIcan'tgive.
Ishallalwaysbefondofyou,veryfondindeed,asafriend,butI'llnevermarryyou,andthesooneryoubelieveitthebetterforbothofus––sonow!"
Thatspeechwaslikegunpowder.Laurielookedatheraminuteasifhedidnotquiteknowwhattodowithhimself,thenturnedsharplyaway,sayinginadesperatesortoftone,"You'llbesorrysomeday,Jo."
"Oh,whereareyougoing?"shecried,forhisfacefrightenedher.
"Tothedevil!"wastheconsolinganswer.
ForaminuteJo'sheartstoodstill,asheswunghimselfdownthebanktowardtheriver,butittakesmuchfolly,sinormiserytosendayoungmantoaviolentdeath,andLauriewasnotoneoftheweaksortwhoareconqueredbyasinglefailure.
Hehadnothoughtofamelodramaticplunge,butsomeblindinstinctledhimtoflinghatandcoatintohisboat,androwawaywithallhismight,makingbettertimeuptheriverthanhehaddoneinanyrace.
Jodrewalongbreathandunclaspedherhandsasshewatchedthepoorfellowtryingtooutstripthetroublewhichhecarriedinhisheart.
"Thatwilldohimgood,andhe'llcomehomeinsuchatender,penitentstateofmind,thatIshan'tdaretoseehim,"shesaid,adding,asshewentslowlyhome,feelingasifshehadmurderedsomeinnocentthing,andburieditundertheleaves.
"NowImustgoandprepareMr.Laurencetobeverykindtomypoorboy.
Iwishhe'dloveBeth,perhapshemayintime,butIbegintothinkIwasmistakenabouther.Ohdear!
Howcangirlsliketohaveloversandrefusethem?Ithinkit'sdreadful."
Beingsurethatnoonecoulddoitsowellasherself,shewentstraighttoMr.Laurence,toldthehardstorybravelythrough,andthenbrokedown,cryingsodismallyoverherowninsensibilitythatthekindoldgentleman,thoughsorelydisappointed,didnotutterareproach.
HefounditdifficulttounderstandhowanygirlcouldhelplovingLaurie,andhopedshewouldchangehermind,butheknewevenbetterthanJothatlovecannotbeforced,soheshookhisheadsadlyandresolvedtocarryhisboyoutofharm'sway,forYoungImpetuosity'spartingwordstoJodisturbedhimmorethanhewouldconfess.
WhenLauriecamehome,deadtiredbutquitecomposed,hisgrandfathermethimasifheknewnothing,andkeptupthedelusionverysuccessfullyforanhourortwo.
Butwhentheysattogetherinthetwilight,thetimetheyusedtoenjoysomuch,itwashardworkfortheoldmantorambleonasusual,andharderstillfortheyoungonetolistentopraisesofthelastyear'ssuccess,whichtohimnowseemedlikelove'slaborlost.
Heboreitaslongashecould,thenwenttohispianoandbegantoplay.
Thewindow'swereopen,andJo,walkinginthegardenwithBeth,foronceunderstoodmusicbetterthanhersister,forheplayedthe'_SonataPathetique_',andplayeditasheneverdidbefore.
"That'sveryfine,Idaresay,butit'ssadenoughtomakeonecry.
Giveussomethinggayer,lad,"saidMr.Laurence,whosekindoldheartwasfullofsympathy,whichhelongedtoshowbutknewnothow.
Lauriedashedintoalivelierstrain,playedstormilyforseveralminutes,andwouldhavegotthroughbravely,ifinamomentarylullMrs.March'svoicehadnotbeenheardcalling,"Jo,dear,comein.Iwantyou."
JustwhatLaurielongedtosay,withadifferentmeaning!Ashelistened,helosthisplace,themusicendedwithabrokenchord,andthemusiciansatsilentinthedark.
"Ican'tstandthis,"mutteredtheoldgentleman.Uphegot,gropedhiswaytothepiano,laidakindhandoneitherofthebroadshoulders,andsaid,asgentlyasawoman,"Iknow,myboy,Iknow."
Noanswerforaninstant,thenLaurieaskedsharply,"Whotoldyou?"
"Joherself."
"Thenthere'sanendofit!"Andheshookoffhisgrandfather'shandswithanimpatientmotion,forthoughgratefulforthesympathy,hisman'spridecouldnotbearaman'spity.
"Notquite.Iwanttosayonething,andthenthereshallbeanendofit,"returnedMr.Laurencewithunusualmildness."Youwon'tcaretostayathomenow,perhaps?"
"Idon'tintendtorunawayfromagirl.Jocan'tpreventmyseeingher,andIshallstayanddoitaslongasIlike,"interruptedLaurieinadefianttone.
"NotifyouarethegentlemanIthinkyou.I'mdisappointed,butthegirlcan'thelpit,andtheonlythingleftforyoutodoistogoawayforatime.Wherewillyougo?"
"Anywhere.Idon'tcarewhatbecomesofme,"andLauriegotupwitharecklesslaughthatgratedonhisgrandfather'sear.
"Takeitlikeaman,anddon'tdoanythingrash,forGod'ssake.Whynotgoabroad,asyouplanned,andforgetit?"
"Ican't."
"Butyou'vebeenwildtogo,andIpromisedyoushouldwhenyougotthroughcollege."
"Ah,butIdidn'tmeantogoalone!"andLauriewalkedfastthroughtheroomwithanexpressionwhichitwaswellhisgrandfatherdidnotsee.
"Idon'taskyoutogoalone.There'ssomeonereadyandgladtogowithyou,anywhereintheworld."
"Who,Sir?"stoppingtolisten.
"Myself."
Lauriecamebackasquicklyashewent,andputouthishand,sayinghuskily,"I'maselfishbrute,but––youknow––Grandfather––"
"Lordhelpme,yes,Idoknow,forI'vebeenthroughitallbefore,onceinmyownyoungdays,andthenwithyourfather.
Now,mydearboy,justsitquietlydownandhearmyplan.
It'sallsettled,andcanbecarriedoutatonce,"saidMr.Laurence,keepingholdoftheyoungman,asiffearfulthathewouldbreakawayashisfatherhaddonebeforehim.
"Well,sir,whatisit?"andLauriesatdown,withoutasignofinterestinfaceorvoice.
"ThereisbusinessinLondonthatneedslookingafter.
Imeantyoushouldattendtoit,butIcandoitbettermyself,andthingsherewillgetonverywellwithBrooketomanagethem.
Mypartnersdoalmosteverything,I'mmerelyholdingonuntilyoutakemyplace,andcanbeoffatanytime."
"Butyouhatetraveling,Sir.Ican'taskitofyouatyourage,"beganLaurie,whowasgratefulforthesacrifice,butmuchpreferredtogoalone,ifhewentatall.
Theoldgentlemanknewthatperfectlywell,andparticularlydesiredtopreventit,forthemoodinwhichhefoundhisgrandsonassuredhimthatitwouldnotbewisetoleavehimtohisowndevices.
So,stiflinganaturalregretatthethoughtofthehomecomfortshewouldleavebehindhim,hesaidstoutly,"Blessyoursoul,I'mnotsuperannuatedyet.Iquiteenjoytheidea.
Itwilldomegood,andmyoldboneswon'tsuffer,fortravelingnowadaysisalmostaseasyassittinginachair."
ArestlessmovementfromLauriesuggestedthathischairwasnoteasy,orthathedidnotliketheplan,andmadetheoldmanaddhastily,"Idon'tmeantobeamarplotoraburden.
IgobecauseIthinkyou'dfeelhappierthanifIwasleftbehind.
Idon'tintendtogadaboutwithyou,butleaveyoufreetogowhereyoulike,whileIamusemyselfinmyownway.
I'vefriendsinLondonandParis,andshouldliketovisitthem.
MeantimeyoucangotoItaly,Germany,Switzerland,whereyouwill,andenjoypictures,music,scenery,andadventurestoyourheart'scontent."
Now,Lauriefeltjustthenthathisheartwasentirelybrokenandtheworldahowlingwilderness,butatthesoundofcertainwordswhichtheoldgentlemanartfullyintroducedintohisclosingsentence,thebrokenheartgaveanunexpectedleap,andagreenoasisortwosuddenlyappearedinthehowlingwilderness.
Hesighed,andthensaid,inaspiritlesstone,"Justasyoulike,Sir.
Itdoesn'tmatterwhereIgoorwhatIdo."
"Itdoestome,rememberthat,mylad.Igiveyouentireliberty,butItrustyoutomakeanhonestuseofit.Promisemethat,Laurie."
"Anythingyoulike,Sir."
"Good,"thoughttheoldgentleman."Youdon'tcarenow,butthere'llcomeatimewhenthatpromisewillkeepyououtofmischief,orI'mmuchmistaken."
Beinganenergeticindividual,Mr.Laurencestruckwhiletheironwashot,andbeforetheblightedbeingrecoveredspiritenoughtorebel,theywereoff.
Duringthetimenecessaryforpreparation,Laurieborehimselfasyounggentlemanusuallydoinsuchcases.
Hewasmoody,irritable,andpensivebyturns,losthisappetite,neglectedhisdressanddevotedmuchtimetoplayingtempestuouslyonhispiano,avoidedJo,butconsoledhimselfbystaringatherfromhiswindow,withatragicfacethathauntedherdreamsbynightandoppressedherwithaheavysenseofguiltbyday.
Unlikesomesufferers,heneverspokeofhisunrequitedpassion,andwouldallownoone,notevenMrs.March,toattemptconsolationoroffersympathy.
Onsomeaccounts,thiswasarelieftohisfriends,buttheweeksbeforehisdeparturewereveryuncomfortable,andeveryonerejoicedthatthe'poor,dearfellowwasgoingawaytoforgethistrouble,andcomehomehappy'.
Ofcourse,hesmileddarklyattheirdelusion,butpasseditbywiththesadsuperiorityofonewhoknewthathisfidelitylikehislovewasunalterable.
Whenthepartingcameheaffectedhighspirits,toconcealcertaininconvenientemotionswhichseemedinclinedtoassertthemselves.
Thisgaietydidnotimposeuponanybody,buttheytriedtolookasifitdidforhissake,andhegotonverywelltillMrs.Marchkissedhim,withawhisperfullofmotherlysolicitude.
Thenfeelingthathewasgoingveryfast,hehastilyembracedthemallround,notforgettingtheafflictedHannah,andrandownstairsasifforhislife.
Jofollowedaminuteaftertowaveherhandtohimifhelookedround.
Hedidlookround,cameback,puthisarmsaboutherasshestoodonthestepabovehim,andlookedupatherwithafacethatmadehisshortappealeloquentandpathetic.
"Oh,Jo,can'tyou?"
"Teddy,dear,IwishIcould!"
Thatwasall,exceptalittlepause.ThenLauriestraightenedhimselfup,said,"It'sallright,nevermind,"andwentawaywithoutanotherword.
Ah,butitwasn'tallright,andJodidmind,forwhilethecurlyheadlayonherarmaminuteafterherhardanswer,shefeltasifshehadstabbedherdearestfriend,andwhenheleftherwithoutalookbehindhim,sheknewthattheboyLaurieneverwouldcomeagain.
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