English
Thoughveryhappyinthesocialatmosphereabouther,andverybusywiththedailyworkthatearnedherbreadandmadeitsweeterfortheeffort,Jostillfoundtimeforliterarylabors.
Thepurposewhichnowtookpossessionofherwasanaturalonetoapoorandambitiousgirl,butthemeansshetooktogainherendwerenotthebest.
Shesawthatmoneyconferredpower,moneyandpower,therefore,sheresolvedtohave,nottobeusedforherselfalone,butforthosewhomshelovedmorethanlife.
Thedreamoffillinghomewithcomforts,givingBetheverythingshewanted,fromstrawberriesinwintertoanorganinherbedroom,goingabroadherself,andalwayshavingmorethanenough,sothatshemightindulgeintheluxuryofcharity,hadbeenforyearsJo'smostcherishedcastleintheair.
Theprize–storyexperiencehadseemedtoopenawaywhichmight,afterlongtravelingandmuchuphillwork,leadtothisdelightfulchateauenEspagne.
Butthenoveldisasterquenchedhercourageforatime,forpublicopinionisagiantwhichhasfrightenedstouter–heartedJacksonbiggerbeanstalksthanhers.
Likethatimmortalhero,shereposedawhileafterthefirstattempt,whichresultedinatumbleandtheleastlovelyofthegiant'streasures,ifIrememberrightly.
Butthe'upagainandtakeanother'spiritwasasstronginJoasinJack,soshescrambledupontheshadysidethistimeandgotmorebooty,butnearlyleftbehindherwhatwasfarmorepreciousthanthemoneybags.
Shetooktowritingsensationstories,forinthosedarkages,evenall–perfectAmericareadrubbish.
Shetoldnoone,butconcocteda'thrillingtale',andboldlycarrieditherselftoMr.Dashwood,editoroftheWeeklyVolcano.
ShehadneverreadSartorResartus,butshehadawomanlyinstinctthatclothespossessaninfluencemorepowerfulovermanythantheworthofcharacterorthemagicofmanners.
Soshedressedherselfinherbest,andtryingtopersuadeherselfthatshewasneitherexcitednornervous,bravelyclimbedtwopairsofdarkanddirtystairstofindherselfinadisorderlyroom,acloudofcigarsmoke,andthepresenceofthreegentlemen,sittingwiththeirheelsratherhigherthantheirhats,whicharticlesofdressnoneofthemtookthetroubletoremoveonherappearance.
Somewhatdauntedbythisreception,Johesitatedonthethreshold,murmuringinmuchembarrassment...
"Excuseme,IwaslookingfortheWeeklyVolcanooffice.IwishedtoseeMr.Dashwood."
Downwentthehighestpairofheels,uprosethesmokiestgentleman,andcarefullycherishinghiscigarbetweenhisfingers,headvancedwithanodandacountenanceexpressiveofnothingbutsleep.
Feelingthatshemustgetthroughthemattersomehow,Joproducedhermanuscriptand,blushingredderandredderwitheachsentence,blunderedoutfragmentsofthelittlespeechcarefullypreparedfortheoccasion.
"Afriendofminedesiredmetooffer––astory––justasanexperiment––wouldlikeyouropinion––begladtowritemoreifthissuits."
Whilesheblushedandblundered,Mr.Dashwoodhadtakenthemanuscript,andwasturningovertheleaveswithapairofratherdirtyfingers,andcastingcriticalglancesupanddowntheneatpages.
"Notafirstattempt,Itakeit?"observingthatthepageswerenumbered,coveredonlyononeside,andnottiedupwitharibbon––suresignofanovice.
"No,sir.Shehashadsomeexperience,andgotaprizeforataleintheBlarneystoneBanner."
"Oh,didshe?"andMr.DashwoodgaveJoaquicklook,whichseemedtotakenoteofeverythingshehadon,fromthebowinherbonnettothebuttonsonherboots."Well,youcanleaveit,ifyoulike.
We'vemoreofthissortofthingonhandthanweknowwhattodowithatpresent,butI'llrunmyeyeoverit,andgiveyouananswernextweek."
Now,Jodidnotliketoleaveit,forMr.Dashwooddidn'tsuitheratall,but,underthecircumstances,therewasnothingforhertodobutbowandwalkaway,lookingparticularlytallanddignified,asshewasapttodowhennettledorabashed.
Justthenshewasboth,foritwasperfectlyevidentfromtheknowingglancesexchangedamongthegentlementhatherlittlefictionof'myfriend'wasconsideredagoodjoke,andalaugh,producedbysomeinaudibleremarkoftheeditor,asheclosedthedoor,completedherdiscomfiture.
Halfresolvingnevertoreturn,shewenthome,andworkedoffherirritationbystitchingpinaforesvigorously,andinanhourortwowascoolenoughtolaughoverthesceneandlongfornextweek.
Whenshewentagain,Mr.Dashwoodwasalone,whereatsherejoiced.
Mr.Dashwoodwasmuchwiderawakethanbefore,whichwasagreeable,andMr.Dashwoodwasnottoodeeplyabsorbedinacigartorememberhismanners,sothesecondinterviewwasmuchmorecomfortablethanthefirst.
"We'lltakethis(editorsneversayI),ifyoudon'tobjecttoafewalterations.
It'stoolong,butomittingthepassagesI'vemarkedwillmakeitjusttherightlength,"hesaid,inabusinessliketone.
JohardlyknewherownMS.again,socrumpledandunderscoredwereitspagesandparagraphs,butfeelingasatenderparentmightonbeingaskedtocutoffherbaby'slegsinorderthatitmightfitintoanewcradle,shelookedatthemarkedpassagesandwassurprisedtofindthatallthemoralreflections––whichshehadcarefullyputinasballastformuchromance––hadbeenstrickenout.
"But,Sir,Ithoughteverystoryshouldhavesomesortofamoral,soItookcaretohaveafewofmysinnersrepent."
Mr.Dashwoods'seditorialgravityrelaxedintoasmile,forJohadforgottenher'friend',andspokenasonlyanauthorcould.
"Peoplewanttobeamused,notpreachedat,youknow.Moralsdon'tsellnowadays."Whichwasnotquiteacorrectstatement,bytheway.
"Youthinkitwoulddowiththesealterations,then?"
"Yes,it'sanewplot,andprettywellworkedup––languagegood,andsoon,"wasMr.Dashwood'saffablereply.
"Whatdoyou––thatis,whatcompensation––"beganJo,notexactlyknowinghowtoexpressherself.
"Oh,yes,well,wegivefromtwenty–fivetothirtyforthingsofthissort.
Paywhenitcomesout,"returnedMr.Dashwood,asifthatpointhadescapedhim.
Suchtriflesdoescapetheeditorialmind,itissaid.
"Verywell,youcanhaveit,"saidJo,handingbackthestorywithasatisfiedair,forafterthedollar–a–columnwork,eventwenty–fiveseemedgoodpay.
"ShallItellmyfriendyouwilltakeanotherifshehasonebetterthanthis?"askedJo,unconsciousofherlittleslipofthetongue,andemboldenedbyhersuccess.
"Well,we'lllookatit.Can'tpromisetotakeit.Tellhertomakeitshortandspicy,andnevermindthemoral.Whatnamewouldyourfriendliketoputonit?"inacarelesstone.
"Noneatall,ifyouplease,shedoesn'twishhernametoappearandhasnonomdeplume,"saidJo,blushinginspiteofherself.
"Justasshelikes,ofcourse.Thetalewillbeoutnextweek.Willyoucallforthemoney,orshallIsendit?"askedMr.Dashwood,whofeltanaturaldesiretoknowwhohisnewcontributormightbe.
"I'llcall.Goodmorning,Sir."
Asshedeparted,Mr.Dashwoodputuphisfeet,withthegracefulremark,"Poorandproud,asusual,butshe'lldo."
FollowingMr.Dashwood'sdirections,andmakingMrs.Northburyhermodel,Jorashlytookaplungeintothefrothyseaofsensationalliterature,butthankstothelifepreserverthrownherbyafriend,shecameupagainnotmuchtheworseforherducking.
Likemostyoungscribblers,shewentabroadforhercharactersandscenery,andbanditti,counts,gypsies,nuns,andduchessesappeareduponherstage,andplayedtheirpartswithasmuchaccuracyandspiritascouldbeexpected.
Herreaderswerenotparticularaboutsuchtriflesasgrammar,punctuation,andprobability,andMr.Dashwoodgraciouslypermittedhertofillhiscolumnsatthelowestprices,notthinkingitnecessarytotellherthattherealcauseofhishospitalitywasthefactthatoneofhishacks,onbeingofferedhigherwages,hadbaselylefthiminthelurch.
Shesoonbecameinterestedinherwork,forheremaciatedpursegrewstout,andthelittlehoardshewasmakingtotakeBethtothemountainsnextsummergrewslowlybutsurelyastheweekspassed.
Onethingdisturbedhersatisfaction,andthatwasthatshedidnottellthemathome.
ShehadafeelingthatFatherandMotherwouldnotapprove,andpreferredtohaveherownwayfirst,andbegpardonafterward.
Itwaseasytokeephersecret,fornonameappearedwithherstories.
Mr.Dashwoodhadofcoursefounditoutverysoon,butpromisedtobedumb,andforawonderkepthisword.
Shethoughtitwoulddohernoharm,forshesincerelymeanttowritenothingofwhichshewouldbeashamed,andquietedallpricksofconsciencebyanticipationsofthehappyminutewhensheshouldshowherearningsandlaughoverherwell–keptsecret.
ButMr.Dashwoodrejectedanybutthrillingtales,andasthrillscouldnotbeproducedexceptbyharrowingupthesoulsofthereaders,historyandromance,landandsea,scienceandart,policerecordsandlunaticasylums,hadtoberansackedforthepurpose.
Josoonfoundthatherinnocentexperiencehadgivenherbutfewglimpsesofthetragicworldwhichunderliessociety,soregardingitinabusinesslight,shesetaboutsupplyingherdeficiencieswithcharacteristicenergy.
Eagertofindmaterialforstories,andbentonmakingthemoriginalinplot,ifnotmasterlyinexecution,shesearchednewspapersforaccidents,incidents,andcrimes.
Sheexcitedthesuspicionsofpubliclibrariansbyaskingforworksonpoisons.
Shestudiedfacesinthestreet,andcharacters,good,bad,andindifferent,allabouther.
Shedelvedinthedustofancienttimesforfactsorfictionssooldthattheywereasgoodasnew,andintroducedherselftofolly,sin,andmisery,aswellasherlimitedopportunitiesallowed.
Shethoughtshewasprosperingfinely,butunconsciouslyshewasbeginningtodesecratesomeofthewomanliestattributesofawoman'scharacter.
Shewaslivinginbadsociety,andimaginarythoughitwas,itsinfluenceaffectedher,forshewasfeedingheartandfancyondangerousandunsubstantialfood,andwasfastbrushingtheinnocentbloomfromhernaturebyaprematureacquaintancewiththedarkersideoflife,whichcomessoonenoughtoallofus.
Shewasbeginningtofeelratherthanseethis,formuchdescribingofotherpeople'spassionsandfeelingssethertostudyingandspeculatingaboutherown,amorbidamusementinwhichhealthyyoungmindsdonotvoluntarilyindulge.
Wrongdoingalwaysbringsitsownpunishment,andwhenJomostneededhers,shegotit.
Idon'tknowwhetherthestudyofShakespearehelpedhertoreadcharacter,orthenaturalinstinctofawomanforwhatwashonest,brave,andstrong,butwhileendowingherimaginaryheroeswitheveryperfectionunderthesun,Jowasdiscoveringalivehero,whointerestedherinspiteofmanyhumanimperfections.
Mr.Bhaer,inoneoftheirconversations,hadadvisedhertostudysimple,true,andlovelycharacters,wherevershefoundthem,asgoodtrainingforawriter.
Jotookhimathisword,forshecoollyturnedroundandstudiedhim––aproceedingwhichwouldhavemuchsurprisedhim,hadheknownit,fortheworthyProfessorwasveryhumbleinhisownconceit.
WhyeverybodylikedhimwaswhatpuzzledJo,atfirst.
Hewasneitherrichnorgreat,youngnorhandsome,innorespectwhatiscalledfascinating,imposing,orbrilliant,andyethewasasattractiveasagenialfire,andpeopleseemedtogatherabouthimasnaturallyasaboutawarmhearth.
Hewaspoor,yetalwaysappearedtobegivingsomethingaway;astranger,yeteveryonewashisfriend;nolongeryoung,butashappy–heartedasaboy;plainandpeculiar,yethisfacelookedbeautifultomany,andhisodditieswerefreelyforgivenforhissake.
Jooftenwatchedhim,tryingtodiscoverthecharm,andatlastdecidedthatitwasbenevolencewhichworkedthemiracle.
Ifhehadanysorrow,'itsatwithitsheadunderitswing',andheturnedonlyhissunnysidetotheworld.
Therewerelinesuponhisforehead,butTimeseemedtohavetouchedhimgently,rememberinghowkindhewastoothers.
Thepleasantcurvesabouthismouthwerethememorialsofmanyfriendlywordsandcheerylaughs,hiseyeswerenevercoldorhard,andhisbighandhadawarm,stronggraspthatwasmoreexpressivethanwords.
Hisveryclothesseemedtopartakeofthehospitablenatureofthewearer.
Theylookedasiftheywereatease,andlikedtomakehimcomfortable.
Hiscapaciouswaistcoatwassuggestiveofalargeheartunderneath.
Hisrustycoathadasocialair,andthebaggypocketsplainlyprovedthatlittlehandsoftenwentinemptyandcameoutfull.
Hisverybootswerebenevolent,andhiscollarsneverstiffandraspylikeotherpeople's.
"That'sit!"saidJotoherself,whensheatlengthdiscoveredthatgenuinegoodwilltowardone'sfellowmencouldbeautifyanddignifyevenastoutGermanteacher,whoshoveledinhisdinner,darnedhisownsocks,andwasburdenedwiththenameofBhaer.
Jovaluedgoodnesshighly,butshealsopossessedamostfemininerespectforintellect,andalittlediscoverywhichshemadeabouttheProfessoraddedmuchtoherregardforhim.
Heneverspokeofhimself,andnooneeverknewthatinhisnativecityhehadbeenamanmuchhonoredandesteemedforlearningandintegrity,tillacountrymancametoseehim.
Heneverspokeofhimself,andinaconversationwithMissNortondivulgedthepleasingfact.
FromherJolearnedit,andlikeditallthebetterbecauseMr.Bhaerhadnevertoldit.
ShefeltproudtoknowthathewasanhonoredProfessorinBerlin,thoughonlyapoorlanguage–masterinAmerica,andhishomely,hard–workinglifewasmuchbeautifiedbythespiceofromancewhichthisdiscoverygaveit.
Anotherandabettergiftthanintellectwasshownherinamostunexpectedmanner.
MissNortonhadtheentreeintomostsociety,whichJowouldhavehadnochanceofseeingbutforher.
Thesolitarywomanfeltaninterestintheambitiousgirl,andkindlyconferredmanyfavorsofthissortbothonJoandtheProfessor.
Shetookthemwithheronenighttoaselectsymposium,heldinhonorofseveralcelebrities.
Jowentpreparedtobowdownandadorethemightyoneswhomshehadworshipedwithyouthfulenthusiasmafaroff.
Butherreverenceforgeniusreceivedasevereshockthatnight,andittookhersometimetorecoverfromthediscoverythatthegreatcreatureswereonlymenandwomenafterall.
Imagineherdismay,onstealingaglanceoftimidadmirationatthepoetwhoselinessuggestedanetherealbeingfedon'spirit,fire,anddew',tobeholdhimdevouringhissupperwithanardorwhichflushedhisintellectualcountenance.
Turningasfromafallenidol,shemadeotherdiscoverieswhichrapidlydispelledherromanticillusions.
Thegreatnovelistvibratedbetweentwodecanterswiththeregularityofapendulum;thefamousdivineflirtedopenlywithoneoftheMadamedeStaelsoftheage,wholookeddaggersatanotherCorinne,whowasamiablysatirizingher,afteroutmaneuveringherineffortstoabsorbtheprofoundphilosopher,whoimbibedteaJohnsonianlyandappearedtoslumber,theloquacityoftheladyrenderingspeechimpossible.
Thescientificcelebrities,forgettingtheirmollusksandglacialperiods,gossipedaboutart,whiledevotingthemselvestooystersandiceswithcharacteristicenergy;theyoungmusician,whowascharmingthecitylikeasecondOrpheus,talkedhorses;andthespecimenoftheBritishnobilitypresenthappenedtobethemostordinarymanoftheparty.
Beforetheeveningwashalfover,Jofeltsocompletelydisillusioned,thatshesatdowninacornertorecoverherself.
Mr.Bhaersoonjoinedher,lookingratheroutofhiselement,andpresentlyseveralofthephilosophers,eachmountedonhishobby,cameamblinguptoholdanintellectualtournamentintherecess.
TheconversationsweremilesbeyondJo'scomprehension,butsheenjoyedit,thoughKantandHegelwereunknowngods,theSubjectiveandObjectiveunintelligibleterms,andtheonlything'evolvedfromherinnerconsciousness'wasabadheadacheafteritwasallover.
Itdawneduponhergraduallythattheworldwasbeingpickedtopieces,andputtogetheronnewand,accordingtothetalkers,oninfinitelybetterprinciplesthanbefore,thatreligionwasinafairwaytobereasonedintonothingness,andintellectwastobetheonlyGod.
Joknewnothingaboutphilosophyormetaphysicsofanysort,butacuriousexcitement,halfpleasurable,halfpainful,cameoverherasshelistenedwithasenseofbeingturnedadriftintotimeandspace,likeayoungballoonoutonaholiday.
ShelookedroundtoseehowtheProfessorlikedit,andfoundhimlookingatherwiththegrimmestexpressionshehadeverseenhimwear.
Heshookhisheadandbeckonedhertocomeaway,butshewasfascinatedjustthenbythefreedomofSpeculativePhilosophy,andkeptherseat,tryingtofindoutwhatthewisegentlemenintendedtorelyuponaftertheyhadannihilatedalltheoldbeliefs.
Now,Mr.Bhaerwasadiffidentmanandslowtoofferhisownopinions,notbecausetheywereunsettled,buttoosincereandearnesttobelightlyspoken.
AsheglancedfromJotoseveralotheryoungpeople,attractedbythebrilliancyofthephilosophicpyrotechnics,heknithisbrowsandlongedtospeak,fearingthatsomeinflammableyoungsoulwouldbeledastraybytherockets,tofindwhenthedisplaywasoverthattheyhadonlyanemptystickorascorchedhand.
Heboreitaslongashecould,butwhenhewasappealedtoforanopinion,heblazedupwithhonestindignationanddefendedreligionwithalltheeloquenceoftruth––aneloquencewhichmadehisbrokenEnglishmusicalandhisplainfacebeautiful.
Hehadahardfight,forthewisemenarguedwell,buthedidn'tknowwhenhewasbeatenandstoodtohiscolorslikeaman.
Somehow,ashetalked,theworldgotrightagaintoJo.
Theoldbeliefs,thathadlastedsolong,seemedbetterthanthenew.
Godwasnotablindforce,andimmortalitywasnotaprettyfable,butablessedfact.
Shefeltasifshehadsolidgroundunderherfeetagain,andwhenMr.Bhaerpaused,outtalkedbutnotonewhitconvinced,Jowantedtoclapherhandsandthankhim.
Shedidneither,butsherememberedthescene,andgavetheProfessorherheartiestrespect,forsheknewitcosthimanefforttospeakoutthenandthere,becausehisconsciencewouldnotlethimbesilent.
Shebegantoseethatcharacterisabetterpossessionthanmoney,rank,intellect,orbeauty,andtofeelthatifgreatnessiswhatawisemanhasdefinedittobe,'truth,reverence,andgoodwill',thenherfriendFriedrichBhaerwasnotonlygood,butgreat.
Thisbeliefstrengtheneddaily.Shevaluedhisesteem,shecovetedhisrespect,shewantedtobeworthyofhisfriendship,andjustwhenthewishwassincerest,shecameneartolosingeverything.
Itallgrewoutofacockedhat,foroneeveningtheProfessorcameintogiveJoherlessonwithapapersoldiercaponhishead,whichTinahadputthereandhehadforgottentotakeoff.
"It'sevidenthedoesn'tlookinhisglassbeforecomingdown,"thoughtJo,withasmile,ashesaid"Gootefening,"andsatsoberlydown,quiteunconsciousoftheludicrouscontrastbetweenhissubjectandhisheadgear,forhewasgoingtoreadhertheDeathofWallenstein.
Shesaidnothingatfirst,forshelikedtohearhimlaughouthisbig,heartylaughwhenanythingfunnyhappened,soshelefthimtodiscoveritforhimself,andpresentlyforgotallaboutit,fortohearaGermanreadSchillerisratheranabsorbingoccupation.
Afterthereadingcamethelesson,whichwasalivelyone,forJowasinagaymoodthatnight,andthecockedhatkepthereyesdancingwithmerriment.
TheProfessordidn'tknowwhattomakeofher,andstoppedatlasttoaskwithanairofmildsurprisethatwasirresistible...
"MeesMarsch,forwhatdoyoulaughinyourmaster'sface?Hafyounorespectforme,thatyougoonsobad?"
"HowcanIberespectful,Sir,whenyouforgettotakeyourhatoff?"saidJo.
Liftinghishandtohishead,theabsent–mindedProfessorgravelyfeltandremovedthelittlecockedhat,lookedatitaminute,andthenthrewbackhisheadandlaughedlikeamerrybassviol.
"Ah!Iseehimnow,itisthatimpTinawhomakesmeafoolwithmycap.Well,itisnothing,butseeyou,ifthislessongoesnotwell,youtooshallwearhim."
ButthelessondidnotgoatallforafewminutesbecauseMr.Bhaercaughtsightofapictureonthehat,andunfoldingit,saidwithgreatdisgust,"Iwishthesepapersdidnotcomeinthehouse.
Theyarenotforchildrentosee,noryoungpeopletoread.
Itisnotwell,andIhafnopatiencewiththosewhomakethisharm."
Joglancedatthesheetandsawapleasingillustrationcomposedofalunatic,acorpse,avillain,andaviper.
Shedidnotlikeit,buttheimpulsethatmadeherturnitoverwasnotoneofdispleasurebutfear,becauseforaminuteshefanciedthepaperwastheVolcano.
Itwasnot,however,andherpanicsubsidedassherememberedthatevenifithadbeenandoneofherowntalesinit,therewouldhavebeennonametobetrayher.
Shehadbetrayedherself,however,byalookandablush,forthoughanabsentman,theProfessorsawagooddealmorethanpeoplefancied.
HeknewthatJowrote,andhadmetherdownamongthenewspaperofficesmorethanonce,butassheneverspokeofit,heaskednoquestionsinspiteofastrongdesiretoseeherwork.
Nowitoccurredtohimthatshewasdoingwhatshewasashamedtoown,andittroubledhim.
Hedidnotsaytohimself,"Itisnoneofmybusiness.
I'venorighttosayanything,"asmanypeoplewouldhavedone.
Heonlyrememberedthatshewasyoungandpoor,agirlfarawayfrommother'sloveandfather'scare,andhewasmovedtohelpherwithanimpulseasquickandnaturalasthatwhichwouldprompthimtoputouthishandtosaveababyfromapuddle.
Allthisflashedthroughhismindinaminute,butnotatraceofitappearedinhisface,andbythetimethepaperwasturned,andJo'sneedlethreaded,hewasreadytosayquitenaturally,butverygravely...
"Yes,youarerighttoputitfromyou.Idonotthinkthatgoodyounggirlsshouldseesuchthings.
Theyaremadepleasanttosome,butIwouldmorerathergivemyboysgunpowdertoplaywiththanthisbadtrash."
"Allmaynotbebad,onlysilly,youknow,andifthereisademandforit,Idon'tseeanyharminsupplyingit.
Manyveryrespectablepeoplemakeanhonestlivingoutofwhatarecalledsensationstories,"saidJo,scratchinggatherssoenergeticallythatarowoflittleslitsfollowedherpin.
"Thereisademandforwhisky,butIthinkyouandIdonotcaretosellit.
Iftherespectablepeopleknewwhatharmtheydid,theywouldnotfeelthatthelivingwashonest.
Theyhafnorighttoputpoisoninthesugarplum,andletthesmalloneseatit.
No,theyshouldthinkalittle,andsweepmudinthestreetbeforetheydothisthing."
Mr.Bhaerspokewarmly,andwalkedtothefire,crumplingthepaperinhishands.
Josatstill,lookingasifthefirehadcometoher,forhercheeksburnedlongafterthecockedhathadturnedtosmokeandgoneharmlesslyupthechimney.
"Ishouldlikemuchtosendalltherestafterhim,"mutteredtheProfessor,comingbackwitharelievedair.
Jothoughtwhatablazeherpileofpapersupstairswouldmake,andherhard–earnedmoneylayratherheavilyonherconscienceatthatminute.
Thenshethoughtconsolinglytoherself,"Minearenotlikethat,theyareonlysilly,neverbad,soIwon'tbeworried,"andtakingupherbook,shesaid,withastudiousface,"Shallwegoon,Sir?I'llbeverygoodandpropernow."
"Ishallhopeso,"wasallhesaid,buthemeantmorethansheimagined,andthegrave,kindlookhegavehermadeherfeelasifthewordsWeeklyVolcanowereprintedinlargetypeonherforehead.
Assoonasshewenttoherroom,shegotoutherpapers,andcarefullyrereadeveryoneofherstories.
Beingalittleshortsighted,Mr.Bhaersometimesusedeyeglasses,andJohadtriedthemonce,smilingtoseehowtheymagnifiedthefineprintofherbook.
NowsheseemedtohaveontheProfessor'smentalormoralspectaclesalso,forthefaultsofthesepoorstoriesglaredatherdreadfullyandfilledherwithdismay.
"Theyaretrash,andwillsoonbeworsetrashifIgoon,foreachismoresensationalthanthelast.
I'vegoneblindlyon,hurtingmyselfandotherpeople,forthesakeofmoney.
Iknowit'sso,forIcan'treadthisstuffinsoberearnestwithoutbeinghorriblyashamedofit,andwhatshouldIdoiftheywereseenathomeorMr.Bhaergotholdofthem?"
Joturnedhotatthebareidea,andstuffedthewholebundleintoherstove,nearlysettingthechimneyafirewiththeblaze.
"Yes,that'sthebestplaceforsuchinflammablenonsense.
I'dbetterburnthehousedown,Isuppose,thanletotherpeopleblowthemselvesupwithmygunpowder,"shethoughtasshewatchedtheDemonoftheJurawhiskaway,alittleblackcinderwithfieryeyes.
Butwhennothingremainedofallherthreemonth'sworkexceptaheapofashesandthemoneyinherlap,Jolookedsober,asshesatonthefloor,wonderingwhatsheoughttodoaboutherwages.
"IthinkIhaven'tdonemuchharmyet,andmaykeepthistopayformytime,"shesaid,afteralongmeditation,addingimpatiently,"IalmostwishIhadn'tanyconscience,it'ssoinconvenient.
IfIdidn'tcareaboutdoingright,anddidn'tfeeluncomfortablewhendoingwrong,Ishouldgetoncapitally.
Ican'thelpwishingsometimes,thatMotherandFatherhadn'tbeensoparticularaboutsuchthings."
Ah,Jo,insteadofwishingthat,thankGodthat'FatherandMotherwereparticular',andpityfromyourheartthosewhohavenosuchguardianstohedgethemroundwithprincipleswhichmayseemlikeprisonwallstoimpatientyouth,butwhichwillprovesurefoundationstobuildcharacteruponinwomanhood.
Jowrotenomoresensationalstories,decidingthatthemoneydidnotpayforhershareofthesensation,butgoingtotheotherextreme,asisthewaywithpeopleofherstamp,shetookacourseofMrs.Sherwood,MissEdgeworth,andHannahMore,andthenproducedatalewhichmighthavebeenmoreproperlycalledanessayorasermon,sointenselymoralwasit.
Shehadherdoubtsaboutitfromthebeginning,forherlivelyfancyandgirlishromancefeltasillateaseinthenewstyleasshewouldhavedonemasqueradinginthestiffandcumbrouscostumeofthelastcentury.
Shesentthisdidacticgemtoseveralmarkets,butitfoundnopurchaser,andshewasinclinedtoagreewithMr.Dashwoodthatmoralsdidn'tsell.
Thenshetriedachild'sstory,whichshecouldeasilyhavedisposedofifshehadnotbeenmercenaryenoughtodemandfilthylucreforit.
Theonlypersonwhoofferedenoughtomakeitworthherwhiletotryjuvenileliteraturewasaworthygentlemanwhofeltithismissiontoconvertalltheworldtohisparticularbelief.
Butmuchasshelikedtowriteforchildren,JocouldnotconsenttodepictallhernaughtyboysasbeingeatenbybearsortossedbymadbullsbecausetheydidnotgotoaparticularSabbathschool,norallthegoodinfantswhodidgoasrewardedbyeverykindofbliss,fromgildedgingerbreadtoescortsofangelswhentheydepartedthislifewithpsalmsorsermonsontheirlispingtongues.
Sonothingcameofthesetrials,andJocorkedupherinkstand,andsaidinafitofverywholesomehumility...
"Idon'tknowanything.I'llwaituntilIdobeforeItryagain,andmeantime,'sweepmudinthestreet'ifIcan'tdobetter,that'shonest,atleast."
Whichdecisionprovedthathersecondtumbledownthebeanstalkhaddonehersomegood.
Whiletheseinternalrevolutionsweregoingon,herexternallifehadbeenasbusyanduneventfulasusual,andifshesometimeslookedseriousoralittlesadnooneobserveditbutProfessorBhaer.
HediditsoquietlythatJoneverknewhewaswatchingtoseeifshewouldacceptandprofitbyhisreproof,butshestoodthetest,andhewassatisfied,forthoughnowordspassedbetweenthem,heknewthatshehadgivenupwriting.
Notonlydidheguessitbythefactthatthesecondfingerofherrighthandwasnolongerinky,butshespenthereveningsdownstairsnow,wasmetnomoreamongnewspaperoffices,andstudiedwithadoggedpatience,whichassuredhimthatshewasbentonoccupyinghermindwithsomethinguseful,ifnotpleasant.
Hehelpedherinmanyways,provinghimselfatruefriend,andJowashappy,forwhileherpenlayidle,shewaslearningotherlessonsbesidesGerman,andlayingafoundationforthesensationstoryofherownlife.
Itwasapleasantwinterandalongone,forshedidnotleaveMrs.KirketillJune.
Everyoneseemedsorrywhenthetimecame.
Thechildrenwereinconsolable,andMr.Bhaer'shairstuckstraightupalloverhishead,forhealwaysrumpleditwildlywhendisturbedinmind.
"Goinghome?Ah,youarehappythatyouhafahometogoin,"hesaid,whenshetoldhim,andsatsilentlypullinghisbeardinthecorner,whilesheheldalittleleveeonthatlastevening.
Shewasgoingearly,soshebadethemallgoodbyeovernight,andwhenhisturncame,shesaidwarmly,"Now,Sir,youwon'tforgettocomeandseeus,ifyouevertravelourway,willyou?
I'llneverforgiveyouifyoudo,forIwantthemalltoknowmyfriend."
"Doyou?ShallIcome?"heasked,lookingdownatherwithaneagerexpressionwhichshedidnotsee.
"Yes,comenextmonth.Lauriegraduatesthen,andyou'denjoycommencementassomethingnew."
"Thatisyourbestfriend,ofwhomyouspeak?"hesaidinanalteredtone.
"Yes,myboyTeddy.I'mveryproudofhimandshouldlikeyoutoseehim."
Jolookedupthen,quiteunconsciousofanythingbutherownpleasureintheprospectofshowingthemtooneanother.
SomethinginMr.Bhaer'sfacesuddenlyrecalledthefactthatshemightfindLauriemorethana'bestfriend',andsimplybecausesheparticularlywishednottolookasifanythingwasthematter,sheinvoluntarilybegantoblush,andthemoreshetriednotto,thereddershegrew.
IfithadnotbeenforTinaonherknee.
Shedidn'tknowwhatwouldhavebecomeofher.
Fortunatelythechildwasmovedtohugher,soshemanagedtohideherfaceaninstant,hopingtheProfessordidnotseeit.
Buthedid,andhisownchangedagainfromthatmomentaryanxietytoitsusualexpression,ashesaidcordially...
"IfearIshallnotmakethetimeforthat,butIwishthefriendmuchsuccess,andyouallhappiness.Gottblessyou!"Andwiththat,heshookhandswarmly,shoulderedTina,andwentaway.
Butaftertheboyswereabed,hesatlongbeforehisfirewiththetiredlookonhisfaceandthe'heimweh',orhomesickness,lyingheavyathisheart.
Once,whenherememberedJoasshesatwiththelittlechildinherlapandthatnewsoftnessinherface,heleanedhisheadonhishandsaminute,andthenroamedabouttheroom,asifinsearchofsomethingthathecouldnotfind.
"Itisnotforme,Imustnothopeitnow,"hesaidtohimself,withasighthatwasalmostagroan.
Then,asifreproachinghimselfforthelongingthathecouldnotrepress,hewentandkissedthetwotousledheadsuponthepillow,tookdownhisseldom–usedmeerschaum,andopenedhisPlato.
Hedidhisbestanddiditmanfully,butIdon'tthinkhefoundthatapairoframpantboys,apipe,oreventhedivinePlato,wereverysatisfactorysubstitutesforwifeandchildathome.
Earlyasitwas,hewasatthestationnextmorningtoseeJooff,andthankstohim,shebeganhersolitaryjourneywiththepleasantmemoryofafamiliarfacesmilingitsfarewell,abunchofvioletstokeephercompany,andbestofall,thehappythought,"Well,thewinter'sgone,andI'vewrittennobooks,earnednofortune,butI'vemadeafriendworthhavingandI'lltrytokeephimallmylife."
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