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Afteralongavoidanceofthepainfulsubject,thekingandqueenresolvedtoholdacouncilofthreeuponit;andsotheysentfortheprincess.
Inshecame,slidingandflittingandglidingfromonepieceoffurnituretoanother,andputherselfatlastinanarmchair,inasittingposture.
Whethershecouldbesaidtosit,seeingshereceivednosupportfromtheseatofthechair,Idonotpretendtodetermine.
“Mydearchild,”saidtheking,“youmustbeawarebythistimethatyouarenotexactlylikeotherpeople.”
“Oh,youdearfunnypapa!Ihavegotanose,andtwoeyes,andalltherest.Sohaveyou.Sohasmamma.”
“Nowbeserious,mydear,foronce,”saidthequeen.
“No,thankyou,mamma;Ihadrathernot.”
“Wouldyounotliketobeabletowalklikeotherpeople?”saidtheking.
“Noindeed,Ishouldthinknot.Youonlycrawl.Youaresuchslowcoaches!”
“Howdoyoufeel,mychild?”heresumed,afterapauseofdiscomfiture.
“Quitewell,thankyou.”
“Imean,whatdoyoufeellike?”
“Likenothingatall,thatIknowof.”
“Youmustfeellikesomething.”
“Ifeellikeaprincesswithsuchafunnypapa,andsuchadearpetofaqueen-mamma!”
“Nowreally!”beganthequeen;buttheprincessinterruptedher.
“Oh,yes,”sheadded,“Iremember.Ihaveacuriousfeelingsometimes,asifIweretheonlypersonthathadanysenseinthewholeworld.”
Shehadbeentryingtobehaveherselfwithdignity;butnowsheburstintoaviolentfitoflaughter,threwherselfbackwardsoverthechair,andwentrollingaboutthefloorinanecstasyofenjoyment.
Thekingpickedherupeasierthanonedoesadownquilt,andreplacedherinherformerrelationtothechair.
TheexactprepositionexpressingthisrelationIdonothappentoknow.
“Istherenothingyouwishfor?”resumedtheking,whohadlearnedbythistimethatitwasuselesstobeangrywithher.
“Oh,youdearpapa!—yes,”answeredshe.
“Whatisit,mydarling?”
“Ihavebeenlongingforit—oh,suchatime!—eversincelastnight.”
“Tellmewhatitis.”
“Willyoupromisetoletmehaveit?”
Thekingwasonthepointofsayingyes,butthewiserqueencheckedhimwithasinglemotionofherhead.
“Tellmewhatitisfirst,”saidhe.
“No,no.Promisefirst.”
“Idarenot.Whatisit?”
“Mind,Iholdyoutoyourpromise.Itis—tobetiedtotheendofastring—averylongstringindeed,andbeflownlikeakite.Oh,suchfun!
Iwouldrainrose-water,andhailsugar-plums,andsnowwhipped-cream,and—and—and—”
princesslookingleft
Afitoflaughingcheckedher;andshewouldhavebeenoffagainoverthefloor,hadnotthekingstartedupandcaughtherjustintime.
Seeingthatnothingbuttalkcouldbegotoutofher,herangthebell,andsentherawaywithtwoofherladies-in-waiting.
“Now,queen,”hesaid,turningtoherMajesty,“whatistobedone?”
“Thereisbutonethingleft,”answeredshe.“LetusconsultthecollegeofMetaphysicians.”
“Bravo!”criedtheking;“wewill.”
NowattheheadofthiscollegeweretwoverywiseChinesephilosophers—bynameHum-Drum,andKopy-Keck.
Forthemthekingsent;andstraightwaytheycame.
Inalongspeechhecommunicatedtothemwhattheyknewverywellalready—aswhodidnot?
—namely,thepeculiarconditionofhisdaughterinrelationtotheglobeonwhichshedwelt;andrequestedthemtoconsulttogetherastowhatmightbethecauseandprobablecureofherinfirmity.
Thekinglaidstressupontheword,butfailedtodiscoverhisownpun.
Thequeenlaughed;butHum-DrumandKopy-Keckheardwithhumilityandretiredinsilence.
Theirconsultationconsistedchieflyinpropoundingandsupporting,forthethousandthtime,eachhisfavouritetheories.
Fortheconditionoftheprincessaffordeddelightfulscopeforthediscussionofeveryquestionarisingfromthedivisionofthought—infact,ofalltheMetaphysicsoftheChineseEmpire.
Butitisonlyjusticetosaythattheydidnotaltogetherneglectthediscussionofthepracticalquestion,whatwastobedone.
Hum-DrumwasaMaterialist,andKopy-KeckwasaSpiritualist.Theformerwasslowandsententious;thelatterwasquickandflighty;thelatterhadgenerallythefirstword;theformerthelast.
“Ireassertmyformerassertion,”beganKopy-Keck,withaplunge.
“Thereisnotafaultintheprincess,bodyorsoul;onlytheyarewrongputtogether.
Listentomenow,Hum-Drum,andIwilltellyouinbriefwhatIthink.Don’tspeak.Don’tanswerme.Iwon’thearyoutillIhavedone.
Atthatdecisivemoment,whensoulsseektheirappointedhabitations,twoeagersoulsmet,struck,rebounded,losttheirway,andarrivedeachatthewrongplace.
Thesouloftheprincesswasoneofthose,andshewentfarastray.
Shedoesnotbelongbyrightstothisworldatall,buttosomeotherplanet,probablyMercury.
Herproclivitytohertruespheredestroysallthenaturalinfluencewhichthisorbwouldotherwisepossessoverhercorporealframe.Shecaresfornothinghere.
Thereisnorelationbetweenherandthisworld.
“Shemustthereforebetaught,bythesternestcompulsion,totakeaninterestintheearthastheearth.
Shemuststudyeverydepartmentofitshistory—itsanimalhistory,itsvegetablehistory,itsmineralhistory,itssocialhistory,itsmoralhistory,itspoliticalhistory,itsscientifichistory,itsliteraryhistory,itsmusicalhistory,itsartisticalhistory,aboveall,itsmetaphysicalhistory.
ShemustbeginwiththeChinesedynastyandendwithJapan.
Butfirstofallshemuststudygeology,andespeciallythehistoryoftheextinctracesofanimals—theirnatures,theirhabits,theirloves,theirhates,theirrevenges.Shemust—”
“Hold,h-o-o-old!”roaredHum-Drum.“Itiscertainlymyturnnow.
Myrootedandinsubvertibleconvictionis,thatthecausesoftheanomaliesevidentintheprincess’sconditionarestrictlyandsolelyphysical.
Butthatisonlytantamounttoacknowledgingthattheyexist.Hearmyopinion.
Fromsomecauseorother,ofnoimportancetoourinquiry,themotionofherhearthasbeenreversed.
Thatremarkablecombinationofthesuctionandtheforce-pumpworksthewrongway—Imeaninthecaseoftheunfortunateprincess,itdrawsinwhereitshouldforceout,andforcesoutwhereitshoulddrawin.
Theofficesoftheauriclesandtheventriclesaresubverted.
Thebloodissentforthbytheveins,andreturnsbythearteries.
Consequentlyitisrunningthewrongwaythroughallhercorporealorganism—lungsandall.
Isitthenatallmysterious,seeingthatsuchisthecase,thatontheotherparticularofgravitationaswell,sheshoulddifferfromnormalhumanity?Myproposalforthecureisthis:
“Phlebotomiseuntilsheisreducedtothelastpointofsafety.
Letitbeeffected,ifnecessary,inawarmbath.
Whensheisreducedtoastateofperfectasphyxy,applyaligaturetotheleftankle,drawingitastightasthebonewillbear.
Apply,atthesamemoment,anotherofequaltensionaroundtherightwrist.
Bymeansofplatesconstructedforthepurpose,placetheotherfootandhandunderthereceiversoftwoair-pumps.Exhaustthereceivers.
ExhibitapintofFrenchbrandy,andawaittheresult.”
“WhichwouldpresentlyarriveintheformofgrimDeath,”saidKopy-Keck.
“Ifitshould,shewouldyetdieindoingourduty,”retortedHum-Drum.
ButtheirMajestieshadtoomuchtendernessfortheirvolatileoffspringtosubjecthertoeitheroftheschemesoftheequallyunscrupulousphilosophers.
Indeed,themostcompleteknowledgeofthelawsofnaturewouldhavebeenunserviceableinhercase;foritwasimpossibletoclassifyher.
Shewasafifthimponderablebody,sharingalltheotherpropertiesoftheponderable.
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