English
PuttingMissHavisham’snoteinmypocket,thatitmightserveasmycredentialsforsosoonreappearingatSatisHouse,incaseherwaywardnessshouldleadhertoexpressanysurpriseatseeingme,Iwentdownagainbythecoachnextday.
ButIalightedattheHalfwayHouse,andbreakfastedthere,andwalkedtherestofthedistance;for,Isoughttogetintothetownquietlybytheunfrequentedways,andtoleaveitinthesamemanner.
ThebestlightofthedaywasgonewhenIpassedalongthequietechoingcourtsbehindtheHigh-street.
Thenooksofruinwheretheoldmonkshadoncehadtheirrefectoriesandgardens,andwherethestrongwallswerenowpressedintotheserviceofhumbleshedsandstables,werealmostassilentastheoldmonksintheirgraves.
Thecathedralchimeshadatonceasadderandamoreremotesoundtome,asIhurriedonavoidingobservation,thantheyhadeverhadbefore;so,theswelloftheoldorganwasbornetomyearslikefuneralmusic;andtherooks,astheyhoveredaboutthegreytowerandswunginthebarehightreesofthepriory-garden,seemedtocalltomethattheplacewaschanged,andthatEstellawasgoneoutofitforever.
AnelderlywomanwhomIhadseenbeforeasoneoftheservantswholivedinthesupplementaryhouseacrossthebackcourt-yard,openedthegate.
Thelightedcandlestoodinthedarkpassagewithin,asofold,andItookitupandascendedthestaircasealone.
MissHavishamwasnotinherownroom,butwasinthelargerroomacrossthelanding.
Lookinginatthedoor,afterknockinginvain,Isawhersittingonthehearthinaraggedchair,closebefore,andlostinthecontemplationof,theashyfire.
DoingasIhadoftendone,Iwentin,andstood,touchingtheoldchimney-piece,whereshecouldseemewhensheraisedhereyes.
Therewasanairorutterlonelinessuponher,thatwouldhavemovedmetopitythoughshehadwilfullydonemeadeeperinjurythanIcouldchargeherwith.
AsIstoodcompassionatingher,andthinkinghowintheprogressoftimeItoohadcometobeapartofthewreckedfortunesofthathouse,hereyesrestedonme.
Shestared,andsaidinalowvoice,“Isitreal?”
“ItisI,Pip.Mr.Jaggersgavemeyournoteyesterday,andIhavelostnotime.”
“Thankyou.Thankyou.”
AsIbroughtanotheroftheraggedchairstothehearthandsatdown,Iremarkedanewexpressiononherface,asifshewereafraidofme.
“Iwant,”shesaid,“topursuethatsubjectyoumentionedtomewhenyouwerelasthere,andtoshowyouthatIamnotallstone.
Butperhapsyoucanneverbelieve,now,thatthereisanythinghumaninmyheart?”
WhenIsaidsomereassuringwords,shestretchedouthertremulousrighthand,asthoughshewasgoingtotouchme;butsherecalleditagainbeforeIunderstoodtheaction,orknewhowtoreceiveit.
“Yousaid,speakingforyourfriend,thatyoucouldtellmehowtodosomethingusefulandgood.Somethingthatyouwouldlikedone,isitnot?”
“SomethingthatIwouldlikedoneverymuch.”
“Whatisit?”
Ibeganexplainingtoherthatsecrethistoryofthepartnership.
Ihadnotgotfarintoit,whenIjudgedfromherlooksthatshewasthinkinginadiscursivewayofme,ratherthanofwhatIsaid.
Itseemedtobeso,for,whenIstoppedspeaking,manymomentspassedbeforesheshowedthatshewasconsciousofthefact.
“Doyoubreakoff,”sheaskedthen,withherformerairofbeingafraidofme,“becauseyouhatemetoomuchtobeartospeaktome?”
“No,no,”Ianswered,“howcanyouthinkso,MissHavisham!IstoppedbecauseIthoughtyouwerenotfollowingwhatIsaid.”
“PerhapsIwasnot,”sheanswered,puttingahandtoherhead.“Beginagain,andletmelookatsomethingelse.Stay!Nowtellme.”
Shesetherhanduponherstick,intheresolutewaythatsometimeswashabitualtoher,andlookedatthefirewithastrongexpressionofforcingherselftoattend.
Iwentonwithmyexplanation,andtoldherhowIhadhopedtocompletethetransactionoutofmymeans,buthowinthisIwasdisappointed.
Thatpartofthesubject(Iremindedher)involvedmatterswhichcouldformnopartofmyexplanation,fortheyweretheweightysecretsofanother.
“So!”saidshe,assentingwithherhead,butnotlookingatme.“Andhowmuchmoneyiswantingtocompletethepurchase?”
Iwasratherafraidofstatingit,foritsoundedalargesum.“Ninehundredpounds.”
“IfIgiveyouthemoneyforthispurpose,willyoukeepmysecretasyouhavekeptyourown?”
“Quiteasfaithfully.”
“Andyourmindwillbemoreatrest?”
“Muchmoreatrest.”
“Areyouveryunhappynow?”
Sheaskedthisquestion,stillwithoutlookingatme,butinanunwontedtoneofsympathy.
Icouldnotreplyatthemoment,formyvoicefailedme.
Sheputherleftarmacrosstheheadofherstick,andsoftlylaidherforeheadonit.
“Iamfarfromhappy,MissHavisham;butIhaveothercausesofdisquietthananyyouknowof.TheyarethesecretsIhavementioned.”
Afteralittlewhile,sheraisedherheadandlookedatthefireagain.
“Itisnobleinyoutotellmethatyouhaveothercausesofunhappiness,Isittrue?”
“Tootrue.”
“CanIonlyserveyou,Pip,byservingyourfriend?Regardingthatasdone,istherenothingIcandoforyouyourself?”
“Nothing.Ithankyouforthequestion.Ithankyouevenmoreforthetoneofthequestion.But,thereisnothing.”
Shepresentlyrosefromherseat,andlookedabouttheblightedroomforthemeansofwriting.
Therewerenonthere,andshetookfromherpocketayellowsetofivorytablets,mountedintarnishedgold,andwroteuponthemwithapencilinacaseoftarnishedgoldthathungfromherneck.
“YouarestillonfriendlytermswithMr.Jaggers?”
“Quite.Idinedwithhimyesterday.”
“Thisisanauthoritytohimtopayyouthatmoney,tolayoutatyourirresponsiblediscretionforyourfriend.
Ikeepnomoneyhere;butifyouwouldratherMr.Jaggersknewnothingofthematter,Iwillsendittoyou.”
“Thankyou,MissHavisham;Ihavenottheleastobjectiontoreceivingitfromhim.”
Shereadmewhatshehadwritten,anditwasdirectandclear,andevidentlyintendedtoabsolvemefromanysuspicionofprofitingbythereceiptofthemoney.
Itookthetabletsfromherhand,andittrembledagain,andittrembledmoreasshetookoffthechaintowhichthepencilwasattached,andputitinmine.
Allthisshedid,withoutlookingatme.
“Mynameisonthefirstleaf.Ifyoucaneverwriteundermyname,“Iforgiveher,”thougheversolongaftermybrokenheartisdust—praydoit!”
“OMissHavisham,”saidI,“Icandoitnow.Therehavebeensoremistakes;andmylifehasbeenablindandthanklessone;andIwantforgivenessanddirectionfartoomuch,tobebitterwithyou.”
Sheturnedherfacetomeforthefirsttimesinceshehadavertedit,and,tomyamazement,Imayevenaddtomyterror,droppedonherkneesatmyfeet;withherfoldedhandsraisedtomeinthemannerinwhich,whenherpoorheartwasyoungandfreshandwhole,theymustoftenhavebeenraisedtoheavenfromhermother’sside.
Toseeherwithherwhitehairandherwornfacekneelingatmyfeet,gavemeashockthroughallmyframe.
Ientreatedhertorise,andgotmyarmsabouthertohelpherup;butsheonlypressedthathandofminewhichwasnearesttohergrasp,andhungherheadoveritandwept.
Ihadneverseenhershedatearbefore,and,inthehopethatthereliefmightdohergood,Ibentoverherwithoutspeaking.
Shewasnotkneelingnow,butwasdownupontheground.
“O!”shecried,despairingly.“WhathaveIdone!WhathaveIdone!”
“Ifyoumean,MissHavisham,whathaveyoudonetoinjureme,letmeanswer.Verylittle.Ishouldhavelovedherunderanycircumstances.—Isshemarried?”
“Yes.”
Itwasaneedlessquestion,foranewdesolationinthedesolatehousehadtoldmeso.
“WhathaveIdone!WhathaveIdone!”Shewrungherhands,andcrushedherwhitehair,andreturnedtothiscryoverandoveragain.“WhathaveIdone!”
Iknewnothowtoanswer,orhowtocomforther.
Thatshehaddoneagrievousthingintakinganimpressionablechildtomouldintotheformthatherwildresentment,spurnedaffection,andwoundedpride,foundvengeancein,Iknewfullwell.
Butthat,inshuttingoutthelightofday,shehadshutoutinfinitelymore;that,inseclusion,shehadsecludedherselffromathousandnaturalandhealinginfluences;that,hermind,broodingsolitary,hadgrowndiseased,asallmindsdoandmustandwillthatreversetheappointedorderoftheirMaker;Iknewequallywell.
AndcouldIlookuponherwithoutcompassion,seeingherpunishmentintheruinshewas,inherprofoundunfitnessforthisearthonwhichshewasplaced,inthevanityofsorrowwhichhadbecomeamastermania,likethevanityofpenitence,thevanityofremorse,thevanityofunworthiness,andothermonstrousvanitiesthathavebeencursesinthisworld?
“Untilyouspoketohertheotherday,anduntilIsawinyoualooking-glassthatshowedmewhatIoncefeltmyself,IdidnotknowwhatIhaddone.WhathaveIdone!WhathaveIdone!”
Andsoagain,twenty,fiftytimesover,Whathadshedone!
“MissHavisham,”Isaid,whenhercryhaddiedaway,“youmaydismissmefromyourmindandconscience.
ButEstellaisadifferentcase,andifyoucaneverundoanyscrapofwhatyouhavedoneamissinkeepingapartofherrightnatureawayfromher,itwillbebettertodothat,thantobemoanthepastthroughahundredyears.”
“Yes,yes,Iknowit.But,Pip—myDear!”
Therewasanearnestwomanlycompassionformeinhernewaffection.“MyDear!
Believethis:whenshefirstcametome,Imeanttosaveherfrommiserylikemyown.AtfirstImeantnomore.”
“Well,well!”saidI.“Ihopeso.”
“Butasshegrew,andpromisedtobeverybeautiful,Igraduallydidworse,andwithmypraises,andwithmyjewels,andwithmyteachings,andwiththisfigureofmyselfalwaysbeforeherawarningtobackandpointmylessons,Istoleherheartawayandputiceinitsplace.”
“Better,”Icouldnothelpsaying,“tohaveleftheranaturalheart,eventobebruisedorbroken.”
Withthat,MissHavishamlookeddistractedlyatmeforawhile,andthenburstoutagain,Whathadshedone!
“Ifyouknewallmystory,”shepleaded,“youwouldhavesomecompassionformeandabetterunderstandingofme.”
“MissHavisham,”Ianswered,asdelicatelyasIcould,“IbelieveImaysaythatIdoknowyourstory,andhaveknowniteversinceIfirstleftthisneighbourhood.
Ithasinspiredmewithgreatcommiseration,andIhopeIunderstanditanditsinfluences.
DoeswhathaspassedbetweenusgivemeanyexcuseforaskingyouaquestionrelativetoEstella?
Notassheis,butasshewaswhenshefirstcamehere?”
Shewasseatedontheground,withherarmsontheraggedchair,andherheadleaningonthem.ShelookedfullatmewhenIsaidthis,andreplied,“Goon.”
“WhosechildwasEstella?”
Sheshookherhead.
“Youdon’tknow?”
Sheshookherheadagain.
“ButMr.Jaggersbroughtherhere,orsentherhere?”
“Broughtherhere.”
“Willyoutellmehowthatcameabout?”
Sheansweredinalowwhisperandwithcaution:“Ihadbeenshutupintheseroomsalongtime(Idon’tknowhowlong;youknowwhattimetheclockskeephere),whenItoldhimthatIwantedalittlegirltorearandlove,andsavefrommyfate.
IhadfirstseenhimwhenIsentforhimtolaythisplacewasteforme;havingreadofhiminthenewspapers,beforeIandtheworldparted.
Hetoldmethathewouldlookabouthimforsuchanorphanchild.
Onenighthebroughtherhereasleep,andIcalledherEstella.”
“MightIaskheragethen?”
“Twoorthree.Sheherselfknowsnothing,butthatshewasleftanorphanandIadoptedher.”
SoconvincedIwasofthatwoman’sbeinghermother,thatIwantednoevidencetoestablishthefactinmyownmind.But,toanymind,Ithought,theconnectionherewasclearandstraight.
WhatmorecouldIhopetodobyprolongingtheinterview?
IhadsucceededonbehalfofHerbert,MissHavishamhadtoldmeallsheknewofEstella,IhadsaidanddonewhatIcouldtoeasehermind.
Nomatterwithwhatotherwordsweparted;weparted.
TwilightwasclosinginwhenIwentdownstairsintothenaturalair.
IcalledtothewomanwhohadopenedthegatewhenIentered,thatIwouldnottroubleherjustyet,butwouldwalkroundtheplacebeforeleaving.
For,IhadapresentimentthatIshouldneverbethereagain,andIfeltthatthedyinglightwassuitedtomylastviewofit.
BythewildernessofcasksthatIhadwalkedonlongago,andonwhichtherainofyearshadfallensince,rottingtheminmanyplaces,andleavingminiatureswampsandpoolsofwateruponthosethatstoodonend,Imademywaytotheruinedgarden.
Iwentallroundit;roundbythecornerwhereHerbertandIhadfoughtourbattle;roundbythepathswhereEstellaandIhadwalked.Socold,solonely,sodrearyall!
Takingthebreweryonmywayback,Iraisedtherustylatchofalittledooratthegardenendofit,andwalkedthrough.
Iwasgoingoutattheoppositedoor—noteasytoopennow,forthedampwoodhadstartedandswelled,andthehingeswereyielding,andthethresholdwasencumberedwithagrowthoffungus—whenIturnedmyheadtolookback.
Achildishassociationrevivedwithwonderfulforceinthemomentoftheslightaction,andIfanciedthatIsawMissHavishamhangingtothebeam.
Sostrongwastheimpression,thatIstoodunderthebeamshudderingfromheadtofootbeforeIknewitwasafancy—thoughtobesureIwasthereinaninstant.
Themournfulnessoftheplaceandtime,andthegreatterrorofthisillusion,thoughitwasbutmomentary,causedmetofeelanindescribableaweasIcameoutbetweentheopenwoodengateswhereIhadoncewrungmyhairafterEstellahadwrungmyheart.
Passingonintothefrontcourt-yard,Ihesitatedwhethertocallthewomantoletmeoutatthelockedgateofwhichshehadthekey,orfirsttogoup-stairsandassuremyselfthatMissHavishamwasassafeandwellasIhadlefther.Itookthelattercourseandwentup.
IlookedintotheroomwhereIhadlefther,andIsawherseatedintheraggedchairuponthehearthclosetothefire,withherbacktowardsme.
InthemomentwhenIwaswithdrawingmyheadtogoquietlyaway,Isawagreatflaminglightspringup.
Inthesamemoment,Isawherrunningatme,shrieking,withawhirloffireblazingallabouther,andsoaringatleastasmanyfeetaboveherheadasshewashigh.
Ihadadouble-capedgreat-coaton,andovermyarmanotherthickcoat.
ThatIgotthemoff,closedwithher,threwherdown,andgotthemoverher;thatIdraggedthegreatclothfromthetableforthesamepurpose,andwithitdraggeddowntheheapofrottennessinthemidst,andalltheuglythingsthatshelteredthere;thatwewereonthegroundstrugglinglikedesperateenemies,andthatthecloserIcoveredher,themorewildlysheshriekedandtriedtofreeherself;thatthisoccurredIknewthroughtheresult,butnotthroughanythingIfelt,orthought,orknewIdid.
IknewnothinguntilIknewthatwewereonthefloorbythegreattable,andthatpatchesoftinderyetalightwerefloatinginthesmokyair,which,amomentago,hadbeenherfadedbridaldress.
Then,Ilookedroundandsawthedisturbedbeetlesandspidersrunningawayoverthefloor,andtheservantscominginwithbreathlesscriesatthedoor.
Istillheldherforciblydownwithallmystrength,likeaprisonerwhomightescape;andIdoubtifIevenknewwhoshewas,orwhywehadstruggled,orthatshehadbeeninflames,orthattheflameswereout,untilIsawthepatchesoftinderthathadbeenhergarments,nolongeralightbutfallinginablackshoweraroundus.
Shewasinsensible,andIwasafraidtohavehermoved,oreventouched.
AssistancewassentforandIheldheruntilitcame,asifIunreasonablyfancied(IthinkIdid)thatifIlethergo,thefirewouldbreakoutagainandconsumeher.
WhenIgotup,onthesurgeon’scomingtoherwithotheraid,Iwasastonishedtoseethatbothmyhandswereburnt;for,Ihadnoknowledgeofitthroughthesenseoffeeling.
Onexaminationitwaspronouncedthatshehadreceivedserioushurts,butthattheyofthemselveswerefarfromhopeless;thedangerlaymainlyinthenervousshock.
Bythesurgeon’sdirections,herbedwascarriedintothatroomandlaiduponthegreattable:whichhappenedtobewellsuitedtothedressingofherinjuries.
WhenIsawheragain,anhourafterwards,shelayindeedwhereIhadseenherstrikeherstick,andhadheardhersaythatshewouldlieoneday.
Thougheveryvestigeofherdresswasburnt,astheytoldme,shestillhadsomethingofheroldghastlybridalappearance;for,theyhadcoveredhertothethroatwithwhitecotton-wool,andasshelaywithawhitesheetlooselyoverlyingthat,thephantomairofsomethingthathadbeenandwaschanged,wasstilluponher.
Ifound,onquestioningtheservants,thatEstellawasinParis,andIgotapromisefromthesurgeonthathewouldwritetoherbythenextpost.
MissHavisham’sfamilyItookuponmyself;intendingtocommunicatewithMr.MatthewPocketonly,andleavehimtodoashelikedaboutinformingtherest.
ThisIdidnextday,throughHerbert,assoonasIreturnedtotown.
Therewasastage,thatevening,whenshespokecollectedlyofwhathadhappened,thoughwithacertainterriblevivacity.
Towardsmidnightshebegantowanderinherspeech,andafterthatitgraduallysetinthatshesaidinnumerabletimesinalowsolemnvoice,“WhathaveIdone!”
Andthen,“Whenshefirstcame,Imeanttosaveherfrommiserylikemine.”
Andthen,“Takethepencilandwriteundermyname,‘Iforgiveher!
’”Sheneverchangedtheorderofthesethreesentences,butshesometimesleftoutawordinoneorotherofthem;neverputtinginanotherword,butalwaysleavingablankandgoingontothenextword.
AsIcoulddonoservicethere,andasIhad,nearerhome,thatpressingreasonforanxietyandfearwhichevenherwanderingscouldnotdriveoutofmymind,IdecidedinthecourseofthenightthatIwouldreturnbytheearlymorningcoach:walkingonamileorso,andbeingtakenupclearofthetown.
Ataboutsixo’clockofthemorning,therefore,Ileanedoverherandtouchedherlipswithmine,justastheysaid,notstoppingforbeingtouched,“Takethepencilandwriteundermyname,‘Iforgiveher.’”
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