English
Intheroomwherethedressing-tablestood,andwherethewaxcandlesburntonthewall,IfoundMissHavishamandEstella;MissHavishamseatedonasetteenearthefire,andEstellaonacushionatherfeet.
Estellawasknitting,andMissHavishamwaslookingon.
TheybothraisedtheireyesasIwentin,andbothsawanalterationinme.
Iderivedthat,fromthelooktheyinterchanged.
“Andwhatwind,”saidMissHavisham,“blowsyouhere,Pip?”
Thoughshelookedsteadilyatme,Isawthatshewasratherconfused.
Estella,pausingamomentinherknittingwithhereyesuponme,andthengoingon,IfanciedthatIreadintheactionofherfingers,asplainlyasifshehadtoldmeinthedumbalphabet,thatsheperceivedIhaddiscoveredmyrealbenefactor.
“MissHavisham,”saidI,“IwenttoRichmondyesterday,tospeaktoEstella;andfindingthatsomewindhadblownherhere,Ifollowed.”
MissHavishammotioningtomeforthethirdorfourthtimetositdown,Itookthechairbythedressing-table,whichIhadoftenseenheroccupy.
Withallthatruinatmyfeetandaboutme,itseemedanaturalplaceforme,thatday.
“WhatIhadtosaytoEstella,MissHavisham,Iwillsaybeforeyou,presently—inafewmoments.
Itwillnotsurpriseyou,itwillnotdispleaseyou.
Iamasunhappyasyoucaneverhavemeantmetobe.”
MissHavishamcontinuedtolooksteadilyatme.IcouldseeintheactionofEstella’sfingersastheyworked,thatsheattendedtowhatIsaid:butshedidnotlookup.
“Ihavefoundoutwhomypatronis.Itisnotafortunatediscovery,andisnotlikelyevertoenrichmeinreputation,station,fortune,anything.
TherearereasonswhyImustsaynomoreofthat.Itisnotmysecret,butanother’s.”
AsIwassilentforawhile,lookingatEstellaandconsideringhowtogoon,MissHavishamrepeated,“Itisnotyoursecret,butanother’s.Well?”
“Whenyoufirstcausedmetobebroughthere,MissHavisham;whenIbelongedtothevillageoveryonder,thatIwishIhadneverleft;IsupposeIdidreallycomehere,asanyotherchanceboymighthavecome—asakindofservant,togratifyawantorawhim,andtobepaidforit?”
“Ay,Pip,”repliedMissHavisham,steadilynoddingherhead;“youdid.”
“AndthatMr.Jaggers—”
“Mr.Jaggers,”saidMissHavisham,takingmeupinafirmtone,“hadnothingtodowithit,andknewnothingofit.
Hisbeingmylawyer,andhisbeingthelawyerofyourpatron,isacoincidence.
Heholdsthesamerelationtowardsnumbersofpeople,anditmighteasilyarise.
Bethatasitmay,itdidarise,andwasnotbroughtaboutbyanyone.”
Anyonemighthaveseeninherhaggardfacethattherewasnosuppressionorevasionsofar.
“ButwhenIfellintothemistakeIhavesolongremainedin,atleastyouledmeon?”saidI.
“Yes,”shereturned,againnodding,steadily,“Iletyougoon.”
“Wasthatkind?”
“WhoamI,”criedMissHavisham,strikingherstickuponthefloorandflashingintowrathsosuddenlythatEstellaglancedupatherinsurprise,“whoamI,forGod’ssake,thatIshouldbekind?”
Itwasaweakcomplainttohavemade,andIhadnotmeanttomakeit.Itoldherso,asshesatbroodingafterthisoutburst.
“Well,well,well!”shesaid.“Whatelse?”
“Iwasliberallypaidformyoldattendancehere,”Isaid,tosootheher,“inbeingapprenticed,andIhaveaskedthesequestionsonlyformyowninformation.
Whatfollowshasanother(andIhopemoredisinterested)purpose.
Inhumouringmymistake,MissHavisham,youpunished—practisedon—perhapsyouwillsupplywhatevertermexpressesyourintention,withoutoffence—yourself-seekingrelations?”
“Idid.Why,theywouldhaveitso!Sowouldyou.
Whathasbeenmyhistory,thatIshouldbeatthepainsofentreatingeitherthem,oryou,nottohaveitso!Youmadeyourownsnares.Inevermadethem.”
Waitinguntilshewasquietagain—forthis,too,flashedoutofherinawildandsuddenway—Iwenton.
“Ihavebeenthrownamongonefamilyofyourrelations,MissHavisham,andhavebeenconstantlyamongthemsinceIwenttoLondon.
IknowthemtohavebeenashonestlyundermydelusionasImyself.
AndIshouldbefalseandbaseifIdidnottellyou,whetheritisacceptabletoyouorno,andwhetheryouareinclinedtogivecredencetoitorno,thatyoudeeplywrongbothMr.MatthewPocketandhissonHerbert,ifyousupposethemtobeotherwisethangenerous,upright,open,andincapableofanythingdesigningormean.”
“Theyareyourfriends,”saidMissHavisham.
“Theymadethemselvesmyfriends,”saidI,“whentheysupposedmetohavesupersededthem;andwhenSarahPocket,MissGeorgiana,andMistressCamilla,werenotmyfriends,Ithink.”
Thiscontrastingofthemwiththerestseemed,Iwasgladtosee,todothemgoodwithher.Shelookedatmekeenlyforalittlewhile,andthensaidquietly:
“Whatdoyouwantforthem?”
“Only,”saidI,“thatyouwouldnotconfoundthemwiththeothers.Theymaybeofthesameblood,but,believeme,theyarenotofthesamenature.”
Stilllookingatmekeenly,MissHavishamrepeated:
“Whatdoyouwantforthem?”
“Iamnotsocunning,yousee,”Isaid,inanswer,consciousthatIreddenedalittle,“asthatIcouldhidefromyou,evenifIdesired,thatIdowantsomething.
MissHavisham,ifyouwouldsparethemoneytodomyfriendHerbertalastingserviceinlife,butwhichfromthenatureofthecasemustbedonewithouthisknowledge,Icouldshowyouhow.”
“Whymustitbedonewithouthisknowledge?”sheasked,settlingherhandsuponherstick,thatshemightregardmethemoreattentively.
“Because,”saidI,“Ibegantheservicemyself,morethantwoyearsago,withouthisknowledge,andIdon’twanttobebetrayed.
WhyIfailinmyabilitytofinishit,Icannotexplain.
Itisapartofthesecretwhichisanotherperson’sandnotmine.”
Shegraduallywithdrewhereyesfromme,andturnedthemonthefire.
Afterwatchingitforwhatappearedinthesilenceandbythelightoftheslowlywastingcandlestobealongtime,shewasrousedbythecollapseofsomeoftheredcoals,andlookedtowardsmeagain—atfirst,vacantly—then,withagraduallyconcentratingattention.Allthistime,Estellaknittedon.
WhenMissHavishamhadfixedherattentiononme,shesaid,speakingasiftherehadbeennolapseinourdialogue:
“Whatelse?”
“Estella,”saidI,turningtohernow,andtryingtocommandmytremblingvoice,“youknowIloveyou.YouknowthatIhavelovedyoulonganddearly.”
Sheraisedhereyestomyface,onbeingthusaddressed,andherfingerspliedtheirwork,andshelookedatmewithanunmovedcountenance.
IsawthatMissHavishamglancedfrommetoher,andfromhertome.
“Ishouldhavesaidthissooner,butformylongmistake.
ItinducedmetohopethatMissHavishammeantusforoneanother.
WhileIthoughtyoucouldnothelpyourself,asitwere,Irefrainedfromsayingit.ButImustsayitnow.”
Preservingherunmovedcountenance,andwithherfingersstillgoing,Estellashookherhead.
“Iknow,”saidI,inanswertothataction;“Iknow.
IhavenohopethatIshallevercallyoumine,Estella.
Iamignorantwhatmaybecomeofmeverysoon,howpoorImaybe,orwhereImaygo.Still,Iloveyou.
IhavelovedyoueversinceIfirstsawyouinthishouse.”
Lookingatmeperfectlyunmovedandwithherfingersbusy,sheshookherheadagain.
“ItwouldhavebeencruelinMissHavisham,horriblycruel,topractiseonthesusceptibilityofapoorboy,andtotorturemethroughalltheseyearswithavainhopeandanidlepursuit,ifshehadreflectedonthegravityofwhatshedid.ButIthinkshedidnot.
Ithinkthatintheenduranceofherowntrial,sheforgotmine,Estella.”
IsawMissHavishamputherhandtoherheartandholditthere,asshesatlookingbyturnsatEstellaandatme.
“Itseems,”saidEstella,verycalmly,“thattherearesentiments,fancies—Idon’tknowhowtocallthem—whichIamnotabletocomprehend.
Whenyousayyouloveme,Iknowwhatyoumean,asaformofwords;butnothingmore.
Youaddressnothinginmybreast,youtouchnothingthere.Idon’tcareforwhatyousayatall.
Ihavetriedtowarnyouofthis;now,haveInot?”
Isaidinamiserablemanner,“Yes.”
“Yes.Butyouwouldnotbewarned,foryouthoughtIdidnotmeanit.Now,didyounotthinkso?”
“Ithoughtandhopedyoucouldnotmeanit.You,soyoung,untried,andbeautiful,Estella!SurelyitisnotinNature.”
“Itisinmynature,”shereturned.Andthensheadded,withastressuponthewords,“Itisinthenatureformedwithinme.
ImakeagreatdifferencebetweenyouandallotherpeoplewhenIsaysomuch.Icandonomore.”
“Isitnottrue,”saidI,“thatBentleyDrummleisintownhere,andpursuingyou?”
“Itisquitetrue,”shereplied,referringtohimwiththeindifferenceofuttercontempt.
“Thatyouencouragehim,andrideoutwithhim,andthathedineswithyouthisveryday?”
SheseemedalittlesurprisedthatIshouldknowit,butagainreplied,“Quitetrue.”
“Youcannotlovehim,Estella!”
Herfingersstoppedforthefirsttime,assheretortedratherangrily,“WhathaveItoldyou?Doyoustillthink,inspiteofit,thatIdonotmeanwhatIsay?”
“Youwouldnevermarryhim,Estella?”
ShelookedtowardsMissHavisham,andconsideredforamomentwithherworkinherhands.Thenshesaid,“Whynottellyouthetruth?Iamgoingtobemarriedtohim.”
Idroppedmyfaceintomyhands,butwasabletocontrolmyselfbetterthanIcouldhaveexpected,consideringwhatagonyitgavemetohearhersaythosewords.
WhenIraisedmyfaceagain,therewassuchaghastlylookuponMissHavisham’s,thatitimpressedme,eveninmypassionatehurryandgrief.
“Estella,dearestdearestEstella,donotletMissHavishamleadyouintothisfatalstep.
Putmeasideforever—youhavedoneso,Iwellknow—butbestowyourselfonsomeworthierpersonthanDrummle.
MissHavishamgivesyoutohim,asthegreatestslightandinjurythatcouldbedonetothemanyfarbettermenwhoadmireyou,andtothefewwhotrulyloveyou.
Amongthosefew,theremaybeonewholovesyouevenasdearly,thoughhehasnotlovedyouaslong,asI.Takehim,andIcanbearitbetter,foryoursake!”
Myearnestnessawokeawonderinherthatseemedasifitwouldhavebeentouchedwithcompassion,ifshecouldhaverenderedmeatallintelligibletoherownmind.
“Iamgoing,”shesaidagain,inagentlervoice,“tobemarriedtohim.
Thepreparationsformymarriagearemaking,andIshallbemarriedsoon.
Whydoyouinjuriouslyintroducethenameofmymotherbyadoption?Itismyownact.”
“Yourownact,Estella,toflingyourselfawayuponabrute?”
“OnwhomshouldIflingmyselfaway?”sheretorted,withasmile.
“ShouldIflingmyselfawayuponthemanwhowouldthesoonestfeel(ifpeopledofeelsuchthings)thatItooknothingtohim?There!Itisdone.
Ishalldowellenough,andsowillmyhusband.
Astoleadingmeintowhatyoucallthisfatalstep,MissHavishamwouldhavehadmewait,andnotmarryyet;butIamtiredofthelifeIhaveled,whichhasveryfewcharmsforme,andIamwillingenoughtochangeit.Saynomore.Weshallneverunderstandeachother.”
“Suchameanbrute,suchastupidbrute!”Iurgedindespair.
“Don’tbeafraidofmybeingablessingtohim,”saidEstella;“Ishallnotbethat.Come!Hereismyhand.Dowepartonthis,youvisionaryboy—orman?”
“OEstella!”Ianswered,asmybittertearsfellfastonherhand,dowhatIwouldtorestrainthem;“evenifIremainedinEnglandandcouldholdmyheadupwiththerest,howcouldIseeyouDrummle’swife?”
“Nonsense,”shereturned,“nonsense.Thiswillpassinnotime.”
“Never,Estella!”
“Youwillgetmeoutofyourthoughtsinaweek.”
“Outofmythoughts!Youarepartofmyexistence,partofmyself.
YouhavebeenineverylineIhaveeverread,sinceIfirstcamehere,theroughcommonboywhosepoorheartyouwoundedeventhen.
YouhavebeenineveryprospectIhaveeverseensince—ontheriver,onthesailsoftheships,onthemarshes,intheclouds,inthelight,inthedarkness,inthewind,inthewoods,inthesea,inthestreets.
Youhavebeentheembodimentofeverygracefulfancythatmymindhaseverbecomeacquaintedwith.
ThestonesofwhichthestrongestLondonbuildingsaremade,arenotmorereal,ormoreimpossibletobedisplacedbyyourhands,thanyourpresenceandinfluencehavebeentome,thereandeverywhere,andwillbe.
Estella,tothelasthourofmylife,youcannotchoosebutremainpartofmycharacter,partofthelittlegoodinme,partoftheevil.
But,inthisseparationIassociateyouonlywiththegood,andIwillfaithfullyholdyoutothatalways,foryoumusthavedonemefarmoregoodthanharm,letmefeelnowwhatsharpdistressImay.OGodblessyou,Godforgiveyou!”
InwhatecstasyofunhappinessIgotthesebrokenwordsoutofmyself,Idon’tknow.
Therhapsodywelledupwithinme,likebloodfromaninwardwound,andgushedout.
Iheldherhandtomylipssomelingeringmoments,andsoIlefther.
Buteverafterwards,Iremembered—andsoonafterwardswithstrongerreason—thatwhileEstellalookedatmemerelywithincredulouswonder,thespectralfigureofMissHavisham,herhandstillcoveringherheart,seemedallresolvedintoaghastlystareofpityandremorse.
Alldone,allgone!Somuchwasdoneandgone,thatwhenIwentoutatthegate,thelightofthedayseemedofadarkercolourthanwhenIwentin.
Forawhile,Ihidmyselfamongsomelanesandby-paths,andthenstruckofftowalkallthewaytoLondon.
For,Ihadbythattimecometomyselfsofar,astoconsiderthatIcouldnotgobacktotheinnandseeDrummlethere;thatIcouldnotbeartosituponthecoachandbespokento;thatIcoulddonothinghalfsogoodformyselfastiremyselfout.
ItwaspastmidnightwhenIcrossedLondonBridge.
PursuingthenarrowintricaciesofthestreetswhichatthattimetendedwestwardneartheMiddlesexshoreoftheriver,myreadiestaccesstotheTemplewasclosebytheriver-side,throughWhitefriars.
Iwasnotexpectedtillto-morrow,butIhadmykeys,and,ifHerbertweregonetobed,couldgettobedmyselfwithoutdisturbinghim.
AsitseldomhappenedthatIcameinatthatWhitefriarsgateaftertheTemplewasclosed,andasIwasverymuddyandweary,Ididnottakeitillthatthenight-porterexaminedmewithmuchattentionasheheldthegatealittlewayopenformetopassin.TohelphismemoryImentionedmyname.
“Iwasnotquitesure,sir,butIthoughtso.Here’sanote,sir.Themessengerthatbroughtit,saidwouldyoubesogoodasreaditbymylantern?”
Muchsurprisedbytherequest,Itookthenote.
ItwasdirectedtoPhilipPip,Esquire,andonthetopofthesuperscriptionwerethewords,“PLEASEREADTHIS,HERE.”
Iopenedit,thewatchmanholdinguphislight,andreadinside,inWemmick’swriting:
“DON’TGOHOME.”
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