English
IfthatstaidoldhouseneartheGreenatRichmondshouldevercometobehauntedwhenIamdead,itwillbehaunted,surely,bymyghost.
Othemany,manynightsanddaysthroughwhichtheunquietspiritwithinmehauntedthathousewhenEstellalivedthere!
Letmybodybewhereitwould,myspiritwasalwayswandering,wandering,wandering,aboutthathouse.
TheladywithwhomEstellawasplaced,Mrs.Brandleybyname,wasawidow,withonedaughterseveralyearsolderthanEstella.
Themotherlookedyoung,andthedaughterlookedold;themother’scomplexionwaspink,andthedaughter’swasyellow;themothersetupforfrivolity,andthedaughterfortheology.
Theywereinwhatiscalledagoodposition,andvisited,andwerevisitedby,numbersofpeople.
Little,ifany,communityoffeelingsubsistedbetweenthemandEstella,buttheunderstandingwasestablishedthattheywerenecessarytoher,andthatshewasnecessarytothem.
Mrs.BrandleyhadbeenafriendofMissHavisham’sbeforethetimeofherseclusion.
InMrs.Brandley’shouseandoutofMrs.Brandley’shouse,IsufferedeverykindanddegreeoftorturethatEstellacouldcauseme.
Thenatureofmyrelationswithher,whichplacedmeontermsoffamiliaritywithoutplacingmeontermsoffavour,conducedtomydistraction.
Shemadeuseofmetoteaseotheradmirers,andsheturnedtheveryfamiliaritybetweenherselfandme,totheaccountofputtingaconstantslightonmydevotiontoher.
IfIhadbeenhersecretary,steward,half-brother,poorrelation—ifIhadbeenayoungerbrotherofherappointedhusband—Icouldnothaveseemedtomyself,furtherfrommyhopeswhenIwasnearesttoher.
Theprivilegeofcallingherbyhernameandhearinghercallmebymine,becameunderthecircumstancesanaggravationofmytrials;andwhileIthinkitlikelythatitalmostmaddenedherotherlovers,Iknowtoocertainlythatitalmostmaddenedme.
Shehadadmirerswithoutend.Nodoubtmyjealousymadeanadmirerofeveryonewhowentnearher;butthereweremorethanenoughofthemwithoutthat.
IsawheroftenatRichmond,Iheardofheroftenintown,andIusedoftentotakeherandtheBrandleysonthewater;therewerepicnics,fetedays,plays,operas,concerts,parties,allsortsofpleasures,throughwhichIpursuedher—andtheywereallmiseriestome.
Ineverhadonehour’shappinessinhersociety,andyetmymindallroundthefour-and-twentyhourswasharpingonthehappinessofhavingherwithmeuntodeath.
Throughoutthispartofourintercourse—anditlasted,aswillpresentlybeseen,forwhatIthenthoughtalongtime—shehabituallyrevertedtothattonewhichexpressedthatourassociationwasforceduponus.
Therewereothertimeswhenshewouldcometoasuddencheckinthistoneandinallhermanytones,andwouldseemtopityme.
“Pip,Pip,”shesaidoneevening,comingtosuchacheck,whenwesatapartatadarkeningwindowofthehouseinRichmond;“willyounevertakewarning?”
“Ofwhat?”
“Ofme.”
“Warningnottobeattractedbyyou,doyoumean,Estella?”
“DoImean!Ifyoudon’tknowwhatImean,youareblind.”
IshouldhaverepliedthatLovewascommonlyreputedblind,butforthereasonthatIalwayswasrestrained—andthiswasnottheleastofmymiseries—byafeelingthatitwasungeneroustopressmyselfuponher,whensheknewthatshecouldnotchoosebutobeyMissHavisham.
Mydreadalwayswas,thatthisknowledgeonherpartlaidmeunderaheavydisadvantagewithherpride,andmademethesubjectofarebelliousstruggleinherbosom.
“Atanyrate,”saidI,“Ihavenowarninggivenmejustnow,foryouwrotetometocometoyou,thistime.”
“That’strue,”saidEstella,withacoldcarelesssmilethatalwayschilledme.
Afterlookingatthetwilightwithout,foralittlewhile,shewentontosay:
“ThetimehascomeroundwhenMissHavishamwishestohavemeforadayatSatis.
Youaretotakemethere,andbringmeback,ifyouwill.
ShewouldratherIdidnottravelalone,andobjectstoreceivingmymaid,forshehasasensitivehorrorofbeingtalkedofbysuchpeople.Canyoutakeme?”
“CanItakeyou,Estella!”
“Youcanthen?Thedayafterto-morrow,ifyouplease.Youaretopayallchargesoutofmypurse,Youheartheconditionofyourgoing?”
“Andmustobey,”saidI.
ThiswasallthepreparationIreceivedforthatvisit,orforotherslikeit:MissHavishamneverwrotetome,norhadIeversomuchasseenherhandwriting.
Wewentdownonthenextdaybutone,andwefoundherintheroomwhereIhadfirstbeheldher,anditisneedlesstoaddthattherewasnochangeinSatisHouse.
ShewasevenmoredreadfullyfondofEstellathanshehadbeenwhenIlastsawthemtogether;Irepeatthewordadvisedly,fortherewassomethingpositivelydreadfulintheenergyofherlooksandembraces.
ShehunguponEstella’sbeauty,hunguponherwords,hunguponhergestures,andsatmumblingherowntremblingfingerswhileshelookedather,asthoughsheweredevouringthebeautifulcreatureshehadreared.
FromEstellashelookedatme,withasearchingglancethatseemedtopryintomyheartandprobeitswounds.
“Howdoessheuseyou,Pip;howdoessheuseyou?”
sheaskedmeagain,withherwitch-likeeagerness,eveninEstella’shearing.
But,whenwesatbyherflickeringfireatnight,shewasmostweird;forthen,keepingEstella’shanddrawnthroughherarmandclutchedinherownhand,sheextortedfromher,bydintofreferringbacktowhatEstellahadtoldherinherregularletters,thenamesandconditionsofthemenwhomshehadfascinated;andasMissHavishamdweltuponthisroll,withtheintensityofamindmortallyhurtanddiseased,shesatwithherotherhandonhercrutchstick,andherchinonthat,andherwanbrighteyesglaringatme,averyspectre.
Isawinthis,wretchedthoughitmademe,andbitterthesenseofdependenceandevenofdegradationthatitawakened—Isawinthis,thatEstellawassettowreakMissHavisham’srevengeonmen,andthatshewasnottobegiventomeuntilshehadgratifieditforaterm.
Isawinthis,areasonforherbeingbeforehandassignedtome.
Sendingherouttoattractandtormentanddomischief,MissHavishamsentherwiththemaliciousassurancethatshewasbeyondthereachofalladmirers,andthatallwhostakeduponthatcastweresecuredtolose.
Isawinthis,thatI,too,wastormentedbyaperversionofingenuity,evenwhiletheprizewasreservedforme.
Isawinthis,thereasonformybeingstavedoffsolong,andthereasonformylateguardian’sdecliningtocommithimselftotheformalknowledgeofsuchascheme.
Inaword,Isawinthis,MissHavishamasIhadherthenandtherebeforemyeyes,andalwayshadhadherbeforemyeyes;andIsawinthis,thedistinctshadowofthedarkenedandunhealthyhouseinwhichherlifewashiddenfromthesun.
Thecandlesthatlightedthatroomofherswereplacedinsconcesonthewall.
Theywerehighfromtheground,andtheyburntwiththesteadydulnessofartificiallightinairthatisseldomrenewed.
AsIlookedroundatthem,andatthepalegloomtheymade,andatthestoppedclock,andatthewitheredarticlesofbridaldressuponthetableandtheground,andatherownawfulfigurewithitsghostlyreflectionthrownlargebythefireupontheceilingandthewall,Isawineverythingtheconstructionthatmymindhadcometo,repeatedandthrownbacktome.
Mythoughtspassedintothegreatroomacrossthelandingwherethetablewasspread,andIsawitwritten,asitwere,inthefallsofthecobwebsfromthecentre-piece,inthecrawlingsofthespidersonthecloth,inthetracksofthemiceastheybetooktheirlittlequickenedheartsbehindthepanels,andinthegropingsandpausingsofthebeetlesonthefloor.
IthappenedontheoccasionofthisvisitthatsomesharpwordsarosebetweenEstellaandMissHavisham.ItwasthefirsttimeIhadeverseenthemopposed.
Wewereseatedbythefire,asjustnowdescribed,andMissHavishamstillhadEstella’sarmdrawnthroughherown,andstillclutchedEstella’shandinhers,whenEstellagraduallybegantodetachherself.
Shehadshownaproudimpatiencemorethanoncebefore,andhadratherenduredthatfierceaffectionthanacceptedorreturnedit.
“What!”saidMissHavisham,flashinghereyesuponher,“areyoutiredofme?”
“Onlyalittletiredofmyself,”repliedEstella,disengagingherarm,andmovingtothegreatchimney-piece,whereshestoodlookingdownatthefire.
“Speakthetruth,youingrate!”criedMissHavisham,passionatelystrikingherstickuponthefloor;“youaretiredofme.”
Estellalookedatherwithperfectcomposure,andagainlookeddownatthefire.
Hergracefulfigureandherbeautifulfaceexpressedaself-possessedindifferencetothewildheatoftheother,thatwasalmostcruel.
“Youstockandstone!”exclaimedMissHavisham.“Youcold,coldheart!”
“What?”saidEstella,preservingherattitudeofindifferenceassheleanedagainstthegreatchimney-pieceandonlymovinghereyes;“doyoureproachmeforbeingcold?You?”
“Areyounot?”wasthefierceretort.
“Youshouldknow,”saidEstella.“Iamwhatyouhavemademe.Takeallthepraise,takealltheblame;takeallthesuccess,takeallthefailure;inshort,takeme.”
“O,lookather,lookather!”criedMissHavisham,bitterly;“Lookather,sohardandthankless,onthehearthwhereshewasreared!
WhereItookherintothiswretchedbreastwhenitwasfirstbleedingfromitsstabs,andwhereIhavelavishedyearsoftendernessuponher!”
“AtleastIwasnopartytothecompact,”saidEstella,“forifIcouldwalkandspeak,whenitwasmade,itwasasmuchasIcoulddo.Butwhatwouldyouhave?
Youhavebeenverygoodtome,andIoweeverythingtoyou.Whatwouldyouhave?”
“Love,”repliedtheother.
“Youhaveit.”
“Ihavenot,”saidMissHavisham.
“Motherbyadoption,”retortedEstella,neverdepartingfromtheeasygraceofherattitude,neverraisinghervoiceastheotherdid,neveryieldingeithertoangerortenderness,“Motherbyadoption,IhavesaidthatIoweeverythingtoyou.AllIpossessisfreelyyours.
Allthatyouhavegivenme,isatyourcommandtohaveagain.Beyondthat,Ihavenothing.
Andifyouaskmetogiveyouwhatyounevergaveme,mygratitudeanddutycannotdoimpossibilities.”
“DidInevergiveherlove!”criedMissHavisham,turningwildlytome.
“DidInevergiveheraburninglove,inseparablefromjealousyatalltimes,andfromsharppain,whileshespeaksthustome!
Lethercallmemad,lethercallmemad!”
“WhyshouldIcallyoumad,”returnedEstella,“I,ofallpeople?
Doesanyonelive,whoknowswhatsetpurposesyouhave,halfaswellasIdo?
Doesanyonelive,whoknowswhatasteadymemoryyouhave,halfaswellasIdo?
Iwhohavesatonthissamehearthonthelittlestoolthatisevennowbesideyouthere,learningyourlessonsandlookingupintoyourface,whenyourfacewasstrangeandfrightenedme!”
“Soonforgotten!”moanedMissHavisham.“Timessoonforgotten!”
“No,notforgotten,”retortedEstella.“Notforgotten,buttreasuredupinmymemory.
Whenhaveyoufoundmefalsetoyourteaching?
Whenhaveyoufoundmeunmindfulofyourlessons?
Whenhaveyoufoundmegivingadmissionhere,”shetouchedherbosomwithherhand,“toanythingthatyouexcluded?Bejusttome.”
“Soproud,soproud!”moanedMissHavisham,pushingawayhergreyhairwithbothherhands.
“Whotaughtmetobeproud?”returnedEstella.“WhopraisedmewhenIlearntmylesson?”
“Sohard,sohard!”moanedMissHavisham,withherformeraction.
“Whotaughtmetobehard?”returnedEstella.“WhopraisedmewhenIlearntmylesson?”
“Buttobeproutandhardtome!”MissHavishamquiteshrieked,asshestretchedoutherarms.“Estella,Estella,Estella,tobeproudandhardtome!”
Estellalookedatherforamomentwithakindofcalmwonder,butwasnototherwisedisturbed;whenthemomentwaspast,shelookeddownatthefireagain.
“Icannotthink,”saidEstella,raisinghereyesafterasilence“whyyoushouldbesounreasonablewhenIcometoseeyouafteraseparation.
Ihaveneverforgottenyourwrongsandtheircauses.
Ihaveneverbeenunfaithfultoyouoryourschooling.
IhavenevershownanyweaknessthatIcanchargemyselfwith.”
“Woulditbeweaknesstoreturnmylove?”exclaimedMissHavisham.“Butyes,yes,shewouldcallitso!”
“Ibegintothink,”saidEstella,inamusingway,afteranothermomentofcalmwonder,“thatIalmostunderstandhowthiscomesabout.
Ifyouhadbroughtupyouradopteddaughterwhollyinthedarkconfinementoftheserooms,andhadneverletherknowthattherewassuchathingasthedaylightbywhichshehadneveronceseenyourface—ifyouhaddonethat,andthen,forapurposehadwantedhertounderstandthedaylightandknowallaboutit,youwouldhavebeendisappointedandangry?”
MissHavisham,withherheadinherhands,satmakingalowmoaning,andswayingherselfonherchair,butgavenoanswer.
“Or,”saidEstella,”—whichisanearercase—ifyouhadtaughther,fromthedawnofherintelligence,withyourutmostenergyandmight,thattherewassuchathingasdaylight,butthatitwasmadetobeherenemyanddestroyer,andshemustalwaysturnagainstit,forithadblightedyouandwouldelseblighther;—ifyouhaddonethis,andthen,forapurpose,hadwantedhertotakenaturallytothedaylightandshecouldnotdoit,youwouldhavebeendisappointedandangry?”
MissHavishamsatlistening(oritseemedso,forIcouldnotseeherface),butstillmadenoanswer.
“So,”saidEstella,“ImustbetakenasIhavebeenmade.Thesuccessisnotmine,thefailureisnotmine,butthetwotogethermakeme.”
MissHavishamhadsettleddown,Ihardlyknewhow,uponthefloor,amongthefadedbridalrelicswithwhichitwasstrewn.
Itookadvantageofthemoment—Ihadsoughtonefromthefirst—toleavetheroom,afterbeseechingEstella’sattentiontoher,withamovementofmyhand.
WhenIleft,Estellawasyetstandingbythegreatchimney-piece,justasshehadstoodthroughout.
MissHavisham’sgreyhairwasalladriftupontheground,amongtheotherbridalwrecks,andwasamiserablesighttosee.
ItwaswithadepressedheartthatIwalkedinthestarlightforanhourandmore,aboutthecourt-yard,andaboutthebrewery,andabouttheruinedgarden.
WhenIatlasttookcouragetoreturntotheroom,IfoundEstellasittingatMissHavisham’sknee,takingupsomestitchesinoneofthoseoldarticlesofdressthatweredroppingtopieces,andofwhichIhaveoftenbeenremindedsincebythefadedtattersofoldbannersthatIhaveseenhangingupincathedrals.
Afterwards,EstellaandIplayedatcards,asofyore—onlywewereskilfulnow,andplayedFrenchgames—andsotheeveningworeaway,andIwenttobed.
Ilayinthatseparatebuildingacrossthecourt-yard.
ItwasthefirsttimeIhadeverlaindowntorestinSatisHouse,andsleeprefusedtocomenearme.AthousandMissHavishamshauntedme.
Shewasonthissideofmypillow,onthat,attheheadofthebed,atthefoot,behindthehalf-openeddoorofthedressing-room,inthedressing-room,intheroomoverhead,intheroombeneath—everywhere.
Atlast,whenthenightwasslowtocreepontowardstwoo’clock,IfeltthatIabsolutelycouldnolongerbeartheplaceasaplacetoliedownin,andthatImustgetup.
Ithereforegotupandputonmyclothes,andwentoutacrosstheyardintothelongstonepassage,designingtogaintheoutercourt-yardandwalkthereforthereliefofmymind.
But,IwasnosoonerinthepassagethanIextinguishedmycandle;for,IsawMissHavishamgoingalongitinaghostlymanner,makingalowcry.
Ifollowedheratadistance,andsawhergoupthestaircase.
Shecarriedabarecandleinherhand,whichshehadprobablytakenfromoneofthesconcesinherownroom,andwasamostunearthlyobjectbyitslight.
Standingatthebottomofthestaircase,Ifeltthemildewedairofthefeast-chamber,withoutseeingheropenthedoor,andIheardherwalkingthere,andsoacrossintoherownroom,andsoacrossagainintothat,neverceasingthelowcry.
Afteratime,Itriedinthedarkbothtogetout,andtogoback,butIcoulddoneitheruntilsomestreaksofdaystrayedinandshowedmewheretolaymyhands.
Duringthewholeinterval,wheneverIwenttothebottomofthestaircase,Iheardherfootstep,sawherlightpassabove,andheardherceaselesslowcry.
Beforeweleftnextday,therewasnorevivalofthedifferencebetweenherandEstella,norwasiteverrevivedonanysimilaroccasion;andtherewerefoursimilaroccasions,tothebestofmyremembrance.
Nor,didMissHavisham’smannertowardsEstellainanywisechange,exceptthatIbelievedittohavesomethinglikefearinfusedamongitsformercharacteristics.
Itisimpossibletoturnthisleafofmylife,withoutputtingBentleyDrummle’snameuponit;orIwould,verygladly.
OnacertainoccasionwhentheFincheswereassembledinforce,andwhengoodfeelingwasbeingpromotedintheusualmannerbynobody’sagreeingwithanybodyelse,thepresidingFinchcalledtheGrovetoorder,forasmuchasMr.Drummlehadnotyettoastedalady;which,accordingtothesolemnconstitutionofthesociety,itwasthebrute’sturntodothatday.
IthoughtIsawhimleerinanuglywayatmewhilethedecantersweregoinground,butastherewasnolovelostbetweenus,thatmighteasilybe.
Whatwasmyindignantsurprisewhenhecalleduponthecompanytopledgehimto“Estella!”
“Estellawho?”saidI.
“Neveryoumind,”retortedDrummle.
“Estellaofwhere?”saidI.“Youareboundtosayofwhere.”Whichhewas,asaFinch.
“OfRichmond,gentlemen,”saidDrummle,puttingmeoutofthequestion,“andapeerlessbeauty.”
Muchheknewaboutpeerlessbeauties,ameanmiserableidiot!IwhisperedHerbert.
“Iknowthatlady,”saidHerbert,acrossthetable,whenthetoasthadbeenhonoured.
“Doyou?”saidDrummle.
“AndsodoI,”Iadded,withascarletface.
“Doyou?”saidDrummle.“Oh,Lord!”
Thiswastheonlyretort—exceptglassorcrockery—thattheheavycreaturewascapableofmaking;but,Ibecameashighlyincensedbyitasifithadbeenbarbedwithwit,andIimmediatelyroseinmyplaceandsaidthatIcouldnotbutregarditasbeinglikethehonourableFinch’simpudencetocomedowntothatGrove—wealwaystalkedaboutcomingdowntothatGrove,asaneatParliamentaryturnofexpression—downtothatGrove,proposingaladyofwhomheknewnothing.
Mr.Drummleuponthis,startingup,demandedwhatImeantbythat?
Whereupon,ImadehimtheextremereplythatIbelievedheknewwhereIwastobefound.
WhetheritwaspossibleinaChristiancountrytogetonwithoutblood,afterthis,wasaquestiononwhichtheFinchesweredivided.
Thedebateuponitgrewsolively,indeed,thatatleastsixmorehonourablememberstoldsixmore,duringthediscussion,thattheybelievedtheyknewwheretheyweretobefound.
However,itwasdecidedatlast(theGrovebeingaCourtofHonour)thatifMr.Drummlewouldbringneversoslightacertificatefromthelady,importingthathehadthehonourofheracquaintance,Mr.Pipmustexpresshisregret,asagentlemanandaFinch,for“havingbeenbetrayedintoawarmthwhich.”
Nextdaywasappointedfortheproduction(lestourhonourshouldtakecoldfromdelay),andnextdayDrummleappearedwithapolitelittleavowalinEstella’shand,thatshehadhadthehonourofdancingwithhimseveraltimes.
ThisleftmenocoursebuttoregretthatIhadbeen“betrayedintoawarmthwhich,”andonthewholetorepudiate,asuntenable,theideathatIwastobefoundanywhere.
DrummleandIthensatsnortingatoneanotherforanhour,whiletheGroveengagedinindiscriminatecontradiction,andfinallythepromotionofgoodfeelingwasdeclaredtohavegoneaheadatanamazingrate.
Itellthislightly,butitwasnolightthingtome.
For,IcannotadequatelyexpresswhatpainitgavemetothinkthatEstellashouldshowanyfavourtoacontemptible,clumsy,sulkybooby,soveryfarbelowtheaverage.
Tothepresentmoment,Ibelieveittohavebeenreferabletosomepurefireofgenerosityanddisinterestednessinmyloveforher,thatIcouldnotendurethethoughtofherstoopingtothathound.
NodoubtIshouldhavebeenmiserablewhomsoevershehadfavoured;butaworthierobjectwouldhavecausedmeadifferentkindanddegreeofdistress.
Itwaseasyformetofindout,andIdidsoonfindout,thatDrummlehadbeguntofollowherclosely,andthatsheallowedhimtodoit.
Alittlewhile,andhewasalwaysinpursuitofher,andheandIcrossedoneanothereveryday.
Heheldon,inadullpersistentway,andEstellaheldhimon;nowwithencouragement,nowwithdiscouragement,nowalmostflatteringhim,nowopenlydespisinghim,nowknowinghimverywell,nowscarcelyrememberingwhohewas.
TheSpider,asMr.Jaggershadcalledhim,wasusedtolyinginwait,however,andhadthepatienceofhistribe.
Addedtothat,hehadablockheadconfidenceinhismoneyandinhisfamilygreatness,whichsometimesdidhimgoodservice—almosttakingtheplaceofconcentrationanddeterminedpurpose.
So,theSpider,doggedlywatchingEstella,outwatchedmanybrighterinsects,andwouldoftenuncoilhimselfanddropattherightnickoftime.
AtacertainAssemblyBallatRichmond(thereusedtobeAssemblyBallsatmostplacesthen),whereEstellahadoutshoneallotherbeauties,thisblunderingDrummlesohungabouther,andwithsomuchtolerationonherpart,thatIresolvedtospeaktoherconcerninghim.
Itookthenextopportunity:whichwaswhenshewaswaitingforMrs.Brandleytotakeherhome,andwassittingapartamongsomeflowers,readytogo.
Iwaswithher,forIalmostalwaysaccompaniedthemtoandfromsuchplaces.
“Areyoutired,Estella?”
“Rather,Pip.”
“Youshouldbe.”
“Sayrather,Ishouldnotbe;forIhavemylettertoSatisHousetowrite,beforeIgotosleep.”
“Recountingto-night’striumph?”saidI.“Surelyaverypoorone,Estella.”
“Whatdoyoumean?Ididn’tknowtherehadbeenany.”
“Estella,”saidI,“dolookatthatfellowinthecorneryonder,whoislookingoverhereatus.”
“WhyshouldIlookathim?”returnedEstella,withhereyesonmeinstead.“Whatisthereinthatfellowinthecorneryonder—touseyourwords—thatIneedlookat?”
“Indeed,thatistheveryquestionIwanttoaskyou,”saidI.“Forhehasbeenhoveringaboutyouallnight.”
“Moths,andallsortsofuglycreatures,”repliedEstella,withaglancetowardshim,“hoveraboutalightedcandle.Canthecandlehelpit?”
“No,”Ireturned;“butcannottheEstellahelpit?”
“Well!”saidshe,laughing,afteramoment,“perhaps.Yes.Anythingyoulike.”
“But,Estella,dohearmespeak.ItmakesmewretchedthatyoushouldencourageamansogenerallydespisedasDrummle.Youknowheisdespised.”
“Well?”saidshe.
“Youknowheisasungainlywithin,aswithout.Adeficient,illtempered,lowering,stupidfellow.”
“Well?”saidshe.
“Youknowhehasnothingtorecommendhimbutmoney,andaridiculousrollofaddle-headedpredecessors;now,don’tyou?”
“Well?”saidsheagain;andeachtimeshesaidit,sheopenedherlovelyeyesthewider.
Toovercomethedifficultyofgettingpastthatmonosyllable,Itookitfromher,andsaid,repeatingitwithemphasis,“Well!Then,thatiswhyitmakesmewretched.”
Now,ifIcouldhavebelievedthatshefavouredDrummlewithanyideaofmakingme—me—wretched,Ishouldhavebeeninbetterheartaboutit;butinthathabitualwayofhers,sheputmesoentirelyoutofthequestion,thatIcouldbelievenothingofthekind.
“Pip,”saidEstella,castingherglanceovertheroom,“don’tbefoolishaboutitseffectonyou.Itmayhaveitseffectonothers,andmaybemeanttohave.It’snotworthdiscussing.”
“Yesitis,”saidI,“becauseIcannotbearthatpeopleshouldsay,‘shethrowsawayhergracesandattractionsonamereboor,thelowestinthecrowd.’”
“Icanbearit,”saidEstella.
“Oh!don’tbesoproud,Estella,andsoinflexible.”
“Callsmeproudandinflexibleinthisbreath!”saidEstella,openingherhands.“Andinhislastbreathreproachedmeforstoopingtoaboor!”
“Thereisnodoubtyoudo,”saidI,somethinghurriedly,“forIhaveseenyougivehimlooksandsmilesthisverynight,suchasyounevergiveto—me.”
“Doyouwantmethen,”saidEstella,turningsuddenlywithafixedandserious,ifnotangry,look,“todeceiveandentrapyou?”
“Doyoudeceiveandentraphim,Estella?”
“Yes,andmanyothers—allofthembutyou.HereisMrs.Brandley.I’llsaynomore.”
AndnowthatIhavegiventheonechaptertothethemethatsofilledmyheart,andsooftenmadeitacheandacheagain,Ipasson,unhindered,totheeventthathadimpendedovermelongeryet;theeventthathadbeguntobepreparedfor,beforeIknewthattheworldheldEstella,andinthedayswhenherbabyintelligencewasreceivingitsfirstdistortionsfromMissHavisham’swastinghands.
IntheEasternstory,theheavyslabthatwastofallonthebedofstateintheflushofconquestwasslowlywroughtoutofthequarry,thetunnelfortheropetoholditinitsplacewasslowlycarriedthroughtheleaguesofrock,theslabwasslowlyraisedandfittedintheroof,theropewasrovetoitandslowlytakenthroughthemilesofhollowtothegreatironring.
Allbeingmadereadywithmuchlabour,andthehourcome,thesultanwasarousedinthedeadofthenight,andthesharpenedaxethatwastosevertheropefromthegreatironringwasputintohishand,andhestruckwithit,andtheropepartedandrushedaway,andtheceilingfell.
So,inmycase;allthework,nearandafar,thattendedtotheend,hadbeenaccomplished;andinaninstanttheblowwasstruck,andtheroofofmystrongholddroppeduponme.
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