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AsIhadgrownaccustomedtomyexpectations,Ihadinsensiblybeguntonoticetheireffectuponmyselfandthosearoundme.
Theirinfluenceonmyowncharacter,Idisguisedfrommyrecognitionasmuchaspossible,butIknewverywellthatitwasnotallgood.
IlivedinastateofchronicuneasinessrespectingmybehaviourtoJoe.
MyconsciencewasnotbyanymeanscomfortableaboutBiddy.
WhenIwokeupinthenight—likeCamilla—Iusedtothink,withawearinessonmyspirits,thatIshouldhavebeenhappierandbetterifIhadneverseenMissHavisham’sface,andhadrisentomanhoodcontenttobepartnerswithJoeinthehonestoldforge.
Manyatimeofanevening,whenIsatalonelookingatthefire,Ithought,afterall,therewasnofireliketheforgefireandthekitchenfireathome.
YetEstellawassoinseparablefromallmyrestlessnessanddisquietofmind,thatIreallyfellintoconfusionastothelimitsofmyownpartinitsproduction.
Thatistosay,supposingIhadhadnoexpectations,andyethadhadEstellatothinkof,IcouldnotmakeouttomysatisfactionthatIshouldhavedonemuchbetter.
Now,concerningtheinfluenceofmypositiononothers,Iwasinnosuchdifficulty,andsoIperceived—thoughdimlyenoughperhaps—thatitwasnotbeneficialtoanybody,and,aboveall,thatitwasnotbeneficialtoHerbert.
Mylavishhabitsledhiseasynatureintoexpensesthathecouldnotafford,corruptedthesimplicityofhislife,anddisturbedhispeacewithanxietiesandregrets.
IwasnotatallremorsefulforhavingunwittinglysetthoseotherbranchesofthePocketfamilytothepoorartstheypractised:becausesuchlittlenessesweretheirnaturalbent,andwouldhavebeenevokedbyanybodyelse,ifIhadleftthemslumbering.
ButHerbert’swasaverydifferentcase,anditoftencausedmeatwingetothinkthatIhaddonehimevilserviceincrowdinghissparely-furnishedchamberswithincongruousupholsterywork,andplacingthecanary-breastedAvengerathisdisposal.
Sonow,asaninfalliblewayofmakinglittleeasegreatease,Ibegantocontractaquantityofdebt.
IcouldhardlybeginbutHerbertmustbegintoo,sohesoonfollowed.
AtStartop’ssuggestion,weputourselvesdownforelectionintoaclubcalledTheFinchesoftheGrove:theobjectofwhichinstitutionIhaveneverdivined,ifitwerenotthatthemembersshoulddineexpensivelyonceafortnight,toquarrelamongthemselvesasmuchaspossibleafterdinner,andtocausesixwaiterstogetdrunkonthestairs.
IKnowthatthesegratifyingsocialendsweresoinvariablyaccomplished,thatHerbertandIunderstoodnothingelsetobereferredtointhefirststandingtoastofthesociety:whichran“Gentlemen,maythepresentpromotionofgoodfeelingeverreignpredominantamongtheFinchesoftheGrove.”
TheFinchesspenttheirmoneyfoolishly(theHotelwedinedatwasinCovent-garden),andthefirstFinchIsaw,whenIhadthehonourofjoiningtheGrove,wasBentleyDrummle:atthattimeflounderingabouttowninacabofhisown,anddoingagreatdealofdamagetothepostsatthestreetcorners.
Occasionally,heshothimselfoutofhisequipagehead-foremostovertheapron;andIsawhimononeoccasiondeliverhimselfatthedooroftheGroveinthisunintentionalway—likecoals.
ButhereIanticipatealittleforIwasnotaFinch,andcouldnotbe,accordingtothesacredlawsofthesociety,untilIcameofage.
Inmyconfidenceinmyownresources,IwouldwillinglyhavetakenHerbert’sexpensesonmyself;butHerbertwasproud,andIcouldmakenosuchproposaltohim.
So,hegotintodifficultiesineverydirection,andcontinuedtolookabouthim.
Whenwegraduallyfellintokeepinglatehoursandlatecompany,Inoticedthathelookedabouthimwithadespondingeyeatbreakfast-time;thathebegantolookabouthimmorehopefullyaboutmid-day;thathedroopedwhenhecameintodinner;thatheseemedtodescryCapitalinthedistanceratherclearly,afterdinner;thatheallbutrealizedCapitaltowardsmidnight;andthatatabouttwoo’clockinthemorning,hebecamesodeeplydespondentagainastotalkofbuyingarifleandgoingtoAmerica,withageneralpurposeofcompellingbuffaloestomakehisfortune.
IwasusuallyatHammersmithabouthalftheweek,andwhenIwasatHammersmithIhauntedRichmond:whereofseparatelyby-and-by.
HerbertwouldoftencometoHammersmithwhenIwasthere,andIthinkatthoseseasonshisfatherwouldoccasionallyhavesomepassingperceptionthattheopeninghewaslookingfor,hadnotappearedyet.
Butinthegeneraltumblingupofthefamily,histumblingoutinlifesomewhere,wasathingtotransactitselfsomehow.
InthemeantimeMr.Pocketgrewgreyer,andtriedoftenertolifthimselfoutofhisperplexitiesbythehair.
WhileMrs.Pockettrippedupthefamilywithherfootstool,readherbookofdignities,lostherpocket-handkerchief,toldusabouthergrandpapa,andtaughttheyoungideahowtoshoot,byshootingitintobedwheneveritattractedhernotice.
AsIamnowgeneralizingaperiodofmylifewiththeobjectofclearingmywaybeforeme,IcanscarcelydosobetterthanbyatoncecompletingthedescriptionofourusualmannersandcustomsatBarnard’sInn.
Wespentasmuchmoneyaswecould,andgotaslittleforitaspeoplecouldmakeuptheirmindstogiveus.
Wewerealwaysmoreorlessmiserable,andmostofouracquaintancewereinthesamecondition.
Therewasagayfictionamongusthatwewereconstantlyenjoyingourselves,andaskeletontruththatweneverdid.
Tothebestofmybelief,ourcasewasinthelastaspectarathercommonone.
Everymorning,withanairevernew,HerbertwentintotheCitytolookabouthim.
Ioftenpaidhimavisitinthedarkback-roominwhichheconsortedwithanink-jar,ahat-peg,acoal-box,astring-box,analmanack,adeskandstool,andaruler;andIdonotrememberthatIeversawhimdoanythingelsebutlookabouthim.
Ifwealldidwhatweundertaketodo,asfaithfullyasHerbertdid,wemightliveinaRepublicoftheVirtues.
Hehadnothingelsetodo,poorfellow,exceptatacertainhourofeveryafternoonto“gotoLloyd’s”—inobservanceofaceremonyofseeinghisprincipal,Ithink.
HeneverdidanythingelseinconnexionwithLloyd’sthatIcouldfindout,exceptcomebackagain.
Whenhefelthiscaseunusuallyserious,andthathepositivelymustfindanopening,hewouldgoon‘Changeatabusytime,andwalkinandout,inakindofgloomycountrydancefigure,amongtheassembledmagnates.
“For,”saysHerberttome,cominghometodinnerononeofthosespecialoccasions,“Ifindthetruthtobe,Handel,thatanopeningwon’tcometoone,butonemustgotoit—soIhavebeen.”
Ifwehadbeenlessattachedtooneanother,Ithinkwemusthavehatedoneanotherregularlyeverymorning.
Idetestedthechambersbeyondexpressionatthatperiodofrepentance,andcouldnotendurethesightoftheAvenger’slivery:whichhadamoreexpensiveandalessremunerativeappearancethen,thanatanyothertimeinthefour-and-twentyhours.
Aswegotmoreandmoreintodebtbreakfastbecameahollowerandhollowerform,and,beingononeoccasionatbreakfast-timethreatened(byletter)withlegalproceedings,“notunwhollyunconnected,”asmylocalpapermightputit,“withjewellery,”IwentsofarastoseizetheAvengerbyhisbluecollarandshakehimoffhisfeet—sothathewasactuallyintheair,likeabootedCupid—forpresumingtosupposethatwewantedaroll.
Atcertaintimes—meaningatuncertaintimes,fortheydependedonourhumour—IwouldsaytoHerbert,asifitwerearemarkablediscovery:
“MydearHerbert,wearegettingonbadly.”
“MydearHandel,”Herbertwouldsaytome,inallsincerity,ifyouwillbelieveme,thoseverywordswereonmylips,byastrangecoincidence.”
“Then,Herbert,”Iwouldrespond,“letuslookintooutaffairs.”
Wealwaysderivedprofoundsatisfactionfrommakinganappointmentforthispurpose.
Ialwaysthoughtthiswasbusiness,thiswasthewaytoconfrontthething,thiswasthewaytotakethefoebythethroat.AndIknowHerbertthoughtsotoo.
Weorderedsomethingratherspecialfordinner,withabottleofsomethingsimilarlyoutofthecommonway,inorderthatourmindsmightbefortifiedfortheoccasion,andwemightcomewelluptothemark.
Dinnerover,weproducedabundleofpens,acopioussupplyofink,andagoodlyshowofwritingandblottingpaper.
For,therewassomethingverycomfortableinhavingplentyofstationery.
Iwouldthentakeasheetofpaper,andwriteacrossthetopofit,inaneathand,theheading,“MemorandumofPip’sdebts;”withBarnard’sInnandthedateverycarefullyadded.
Herbertwouldalsotakeasheetofpaper,andwriteacrossitwithsimilarformalities,“MemorandumofHerbert’sdebts.”
Eachofuswouldthenrefertoaconfusedheapofpapersathisside,whichhadbeenthrownintodrawers,wornintoholesinPockets,half-burntinlightingcandles,stuckforweeksintothelooking-glass,andotherwisedamaged.
Thesoundofourpensgoing,refreshedusexceedingly,insomuchthatIsometimesfounditdifficulttodistinguishbetweenthisedifyingbusinessproceedingandactuallypayingthemoney.
Inpointofmeritoriouscharacter,thetwothingsseemedaboutequal.
Whenwehadwrittenalittlewhile,IwouldaskHerberthowhegoton?Herbertprobablywouldhavebeenscratchinghisheadinamostruefulmanneratthesightofhisaccumulatingfigures.
“Theyaremountingup,Handel,”Herbertwouldsay;“uponmylife,theyaremountingup.”
“Befirm,Herbert,”Iwouldretort,plyingmyownpenwithgreatassiduity.“Lookthethingintheface.Lookintoyouraffairs.Starethemoutofcountenance.”
“SoIwould,Handel,onlytheyarestaringmeoutofcountenance.”
However,mydeterminedmannerwouldhaveitseffect,andHerbertwouldfalltoworkagain.
Afteratimehewouldgiveuponcemore,onthepleathathehadnotgotCobbs’sbill,orLobbs’s,orNobbs’s,asthecasemightbe.
“Then,Herbert,estimate;estimateitinroundnumbers,andputitdown.”
“Whatafellowofresourceyouare!”myfriendwouldreply,withadmiration.“Reallyyourbusinesspowersareveryremarkable.”
Ithoughtsotoo.Iestablishedwithmyselfontheseoccasions,thereputationofafirst-ratemanofbusiness—prompt,decisive,energetic,clear,cool-headed.
WhenIhadgotallmyresponsibilitiesdownuponmylist,Icomparedeachwiththebill,andtickeditoff.
Myself-approvalwhenItickedanentrywasquitealuxurioussensation.
WhenIhadnomoretickstomake,Ifoldedallmybillsupuniformly,docketedeachontheback,andtiedthewholeintoasymmetricalbundle.
ThenIdidthesameforHerbert(whomodestlysaidhehadnotmyadministrativegenius),andfeltthatIhadbroughthisaffairsintoafocusforhim.
Mybusinesshabitshadoneotherbrightfeature,whichicalled“leavingaMargin.”
Forexample;supposingHerbert’sdebtstobeonehundredandsixty-fourpoundsfour-and-twopence,Iwouldsay,“Leaveamargin,andputthemdownattwohundred.”
Or,supposingmyowntobefourtimesasmuch,Iwouldleaveamargin,andputthemdownatsevenhundred.
IhadthehighestopinionofthewisdomofthissameMargin,butIamboundtoacknowledgethatonlookingback,Ideemittohavebeenanexpensivedevice.
For,wealwaysranintonewdebtimmediately,tothefullextentofthemargin,andsometimes,inthesenseoffreedomandsolvencyitimparted,gotprettyfaronintoanothermargin.
Buttherewasacalm,arest,avirtuoushush,consequentontheseexaminationsofouraffairsthatgaveme,forthetime,anadmirableopinionofmyself.
Soothedbymyexertions,mymethod,andHerbert’scompliments,Iwouldsitwithhissymmetricalbundleandmyownonthetablebeforemeamongthestationary,andfeellikeaBankofsomesort,ratherthanaprivateindividual.
Weshutourouterdooronthesesolemnoccasions,inorderthatwemightnotbeinterrupted.
Ihadfallenintomyserenestateoneevening,whenweheardaletterdroppedthroughtheslitinthesaiddoor,andfallontheground.
“It’sforyou,Handel,”saidHerbert,goingoutandcomingbackwithit,“andIhopethereisnothingthematter.”
Thiswasinallusiontoitsheavyblacksealandborder.
TheletterwassignedTRABB&CO.,anditscontentsweresimply,thatIwasanhonouredsir,andthattheybeggedtoinformmethatMrs.J.GargeryhaddepartedthislifeonMondaylast,attwentyminutespastsixintheevening,andthatmyattendancewasrequestedattheintermentonMondaynextatthreeo’clockintheafternoon.
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