English
Inherfurredtravelling-dress,Estellaseemedmoredelicatelybeautifulthanshehadeverseemedyet,eveninmyeyes.
Hermannerwasmorewinningthanshehadcaredtoletitbetomebefore,andIthoughtIsawMissHavisham’sinfluenceinthechange.
WestoodintheInnYardwhileshepointedoutherluggagetome,andwhenitwasallcollectedIremembered—havingforgotteneverythingbutherselfinthemeanwhile—thatIknewnothingofherdestination
“IamgoingtoRichmond,”shetoldme.“Ourlessonis,thattherearetwoRichmonds,oneinSurreyandoneinYorkshire,andthatmineistheSurreyRichmond.Thedistanceistenmiles.
Iamtohaveacarriage,andyouaretotakeme.
Thisismypurse,andyouaretopaymychargesoutofit.Oh,youmusttakethepurse!
Wehavenochoice,youandI,buttoobeyourinstructions.
Wearenotfreetofollowourowndevices,youandI.”
Asshelookedatmeingivingmethepurse,Ihopedtherewasaninnermeaninginherwords.Shesaidthemslightingly,butnotwithdispleasure.
“Acarriagewillhavetobesentfor,Estella.Willyourestherealittle?”
“Yes,Iamtorestherealittle,andIamtodrinksometea,andyouaretotakecareofmethewhile.”
Shedrewherarmthroughmine,asifitmustbedone,andIrequestedawaiterwhohadbeenstaringatthecoachlikeamanwhohadneverseensuchathinginhislife,toshowusaprivatesitting-room.
Uponthat,hepulledoutanapkin,asifitwereamagiccluewithoutwhichhecouldn’tfindthewayup-stairs,andledustotheblackholeoftheestablishment:fittedupwithadiminishingmirror(quiteasuperfluousarticleconsideringthehole’sproportions),ananchovysauce-cruet,andsomebody’spattens.
Onmyobjectingtothisretreat,hetookusintoanotherroomwithadinner-tableforthirty,andinthegrateascorchedleafofacopy-bookunderabushelofcoal-dust.
Havinglookedatthisextinctconflagrationandshakenhishead,hetookmyorder:which,provingtobemerely“Someteaforthelady,”senthimoutoftheroominaverylowstateofmind.
Iwas,andIam,sensiblethattheairofthischamber,initsstrongcombinationofstablewithsoup-stock,mighthaveledonetoinferthatthecoachingdepartmentwasnotdoingwell,andthattheenterprisingproprietorwasboilingdownthehorsesfortherefreshmentdepartment.
Yettheroomwasallinalltome,Estellabeinginit.
IthoughtthatwithherIcouldhavebeenhappythereforlife.
(Iwasnotatallhappythereatthetime,observe,andIknewitwell.)
“Whereareyougoingto,atRichmond?”IaskedEstella.
“Iamgoingtolive,”saidshe,“atagreatexpense,withaladythere,whohasthepower—orsaysshehas—oftakingmeabout,andintroducingme,andshowingpeopletomeandshowingmetopeople.”
“Isupposeyouwillbegladofvarietyandadmiration?”
“Yes,Isupposeso.”
Sheansweredsocarelessly,thatIsaid,“Youspeakofyourselfasifyouweresomeoneelse.”
“WheredidyoulearnhowIspeakofothers?
Come,come,”saidEstella,smilingdelightfully,“youmustnotexpectmetogotoschooltoyou;Imusttalkinmyownway.HowdoyouthrivewithMr.Pocket?”
“Ilivequitepleasantlythere;atleast—”ItappearedtomethatIwaslosingachance.
“Atleast?”repeatedEstella.
“AspleasantlyasIcouldanywhere,awayfromyou.”
“Yousillyboy,”saidEstella,quitecomposedly,“howcanyoutalksuchnonsense?YourfriendMr.Matthew,Ibelieve,issuperiortotherestofhisfamily?”
“Verysuperiorindeed.Heisnobody’senemy—”
“Don’taddbuthisown,”interposedEstella,“forIhatethatclassofman.Buthereallyisdisinterested,andabovesmalljealousyandspite,Ihaveheard?”
“IamsureIhaveeveryreasontosayso.”
“Youhavenoteveryreasontosaysooftherestofhispeople,”saidEstella,noddingatmewithanexpressionoffacethatwasatoncegraveandrallying,“fortheybesetMissHavishamwithreportsandinsinuationstoyourdisadvantage.
Theywatchyou,misrepresentyou,writelettersaboutyou(anonymoussometimes),andyouarethetormentandtheoccupationoftheirlives.
Youcanscarcelyrealizetoyourselfthehatredthosepeoplefeelforyou.”
“Theydomenoharm,Ihope?”
Insteadofanswering,Estellaburstoutlaughing.
Thiswasverysingulartome,andIlookedatherinconsiderableperplexity.
Whensheleftoff—andshehadnotlaughedlanguidly,butwithrealenjoyment—Isaid,inmydiffidentwaywithher:
“IhopeImaysupposethatyouwouldnotbeamusediftheydidmeanyharm.”
“No,noyoumaybesureofthat,”saidEstella.
“YoumaybecertainthatIlaughbecausetheyfail.
Oh,thosepeoplewithMissHavisham,andthetorturestheyundergo!”
Shelaughedagain,andevennowwhenshehadtoldmewhy,herlaughterwasverysingulartome,forIcouldnotdoubtitsbeinggenuine,andyetitseemedtoomuchfortheoccasion.
IthoughttheremustreallybesomethingmoreherethanIknew;shesawthethoughtinmymind,andansweredit.
“Itisnoteasyforevenyou.”saidEstella,“toknowwhatsatisfactionitgivesmetoseethosepeoplethwarted,orwhatanenjoyablesenseoftheridiculousIhavewhentheyaremaderidiculous.
Foryouwerenotbroughtupinthatstrangehousefromamerebaby.—Iwas.
Youhadnotyourlittlewitssharpenedbytheirintriguingagainstyou,suppressedanddefenceless,underthemaskofsympathyandpityandwhatnotthatissoftandsoothing.—Ihad.
Youdidnotgraduallyopenyourroundchildisheyeswiderandwidertothediscoveryofthatimpostorofawomanwhocalculatesherstoresofpeaceofmindforwhenshewakesupinthenight.—Idid.”
ItwasnolaughingmatterwithEstellanow,norwasshesummoningtheseremembrancesfromanyshallowplace.Iwouldnothavebeenthecauseofthatlookofhers,forallmyexpectationsinaheap.
“TwothingsIcantellyou,”saidEstella.
“First,notwithstandingtheproverbthatconstantdroppingwillwearawayastone,youmaysetyourmindatrestthatthesepeopleneverwill—neverwould,inhundredyears—impairyourgroundwithMissHavisham,inanyparticular,greatorsmall.
Second,Iambeholdentoyouasthecauseoftheirbeingsobusyandsomeaninvain,andthereismyhanduponit.”
Asshegaveitmeplayfully—forherdarkermoodhadbeenbutmomentary—Ihelditandputittomylips.
“Youridiculousboy,”saidEstella,“willyounevertakewarning?
OrdoyoukissmyhandinthesamespiritinwhichIonceletyoukissmycheek?”
“Whatspiritwasthat?”saidI.
“ImustthinkamomentAspiritofcontemptforthefawnersandplotters.”
“IfIsayyes,mayIkissthecheekagain?”
“Youshouldhaveaskedbeforeyoutouchedthehand.But,yes,ifyoulike.”
Ileaneddown,andhercalmfacewaslikeastatue’s.
“Now,”saidEstella,glidingawaytheinstantItouchedhercheek,“youaretotakecarethatIhavesometea,andyouaretotakemetoRichmond.”
Herrevertingtothistoneasifourassociationwereforceduponusandweweremerepuppets,gavemepain;buteverythinginourintercoursedidgivemepain.
Whateverhertonewithmehappenedtobe,Icouldputnotrustinit,andbuildnohopeonit;andyetIwentonagainsttrustandagainsthope.Whyrepeatitathousandtimes?Soitalwayswas.
Irangforthetea,andthewaiter,reappearingwithhismagicclue,broughtinbydegreessomefiftyadjunctstothatrefreshmentbutofteanotaglimpse.
Ateaboard,cupsandsaucers,plates,knivesandforks(includingcarvers),spoons(various),saltcellars,ameeklittlemuffinconfinedwiththeutmostprecautionunderastrongironcover,Mosesinthebullrushestypifiedbyasoftbitofbutterinaquantityofparsley,apaleloafwithapowderedhead,twoproofimpressionsofthebarsofthekitchenfire-placeontriangularbitsofbread,andultimatelyafatfamilyurn:whichthewaiterstaggeredinwith,expressinginhiscountenanceburdenandsuffering.
Afteraprolongedabsenceatthisstageoftheentertainment,heatlengthcamebackwithacasketofpreciousappearancecontainingtwigs.
TheseIsteepedinhotwater,andsofromthewholeoftheseappliancesextractedonecupofIdon’tknowwhat,forEstella.
Thebillpaid,andthewaiterremembered,andtheostlernotforgotten,andthechambermaidtakenintoconsideration—inaword,thewholehousebribedintoastateofcontemptandanimosity,andEstella’spursemuchlightened—wegotintoourpost-coachanddroveaway.
TurningintoCheapsideandrattlingupNewgate-street,weweresoonunderthewallsofwhichIwassoashamed.
“Whatplaceisthat?”Estellaaskedme.
Imadeafoolishpretenceofnotatfirstrecognizingit,andthentoldher.
Asshelookedatit,anddrewinherheadagain,murmuring“Wretches!”
Iwouldnothaveconfessedtomyvisitforanyconsideration.
“Mr.Jaggers,”saidI,bywayofputtingitneatlyonsomebodyelse,“hasthereputationofbeingmoreinthesecretsofthatdismalplacethananymaninLondon.”
“Heismoreinthesecretsofeveryplace,Ithink,”saidEstella,inalowvoice.
“Youhavebeenaccustomedtoseehimoften,Isuppose?”
“Ihavebeenaccustomedtoseehimatuncertainintervals,eversinceIcanremember.
ButIknowhimnobetternow,thanIdidbeforeIcouldspeakplainly.Whatisyourownexperienceofhim?Doyouadvancewithhim?”
“Oncehabituatedtohisdistrustfulmanner,”saidI,“Ihavedoneverywell.”
“Areyouintimate?”
“Ihavedinedwithhimathisprivatehouse.”
“Ifancy,”saidEstella,shrinking“thatmustbeacuriousplace.”
“Itisacuriousplace.”
Ishouldhavebeencharyofdiscussingmyguardiantoofreelyevenwithher;butIshouldhavegoneonwiththesubjectsofarastodescribethedinnerinGerrard-street,ifwehadnotthencomeintoasuddenglareofgas.
Itseemed,whileitlasted,tobeallalightandalivewiththatinexplicablefeelingIhadhadbefore;andwhenwewereoutofit,IwasasmuchdazedforafewmomentsasifIhadbeeninLightning.
So,wefellintoothertalk,anditwasprincipallyaboutthewaybywhichweweretravelling,andaboutwhatpartsofLondonlayonthissideofit,andwhatonthat.
Thegreatcitywasalmostnewtoher,shetoldme,forshehadneverleftMissHavisham’sneighbourhooduntilshehadgonetoFrance,andshehadmerelypassedthroughLondontheningoingandreturning.
Iaskedherifmyguardianhadanychargeofherwhilesheremainedhere?
Tothatsheemphaticallysaid“Godforbid!”andnomore.
Itwasimpossibleformetoavoidseeingthatshecaredtoattractme;thatshemadeherselfwinning;andwouldhavewonmeevenifthetaskhadneededpains.
Yetthismademenonethehappier,for,evenifshehadnottakenthattoneofourbeingdisposedofbyothers,Ishouldhavefeltthatsheheldmyheartinherhandbecauseshewilfullychosetodoit,andnotbecauseitwouldhavewrunganytendernessinher,tocrushitandthrowitaway.
WhenwepassedthroughHammersmith,IshowedherwhereMr.MatthewPocketlived,andsaiditwasnogreatwayfromRichmond,andthatIhopedIshouldseehersometimes.
“Ohyes,youaretoseeme;youaretocomewhenyouthinkproper;youaretobementionedtothefamily;indeedyouarealreadymentioned.”
Iinquiredwasitalargehouseholdshewasgoingtobeamemberof?
“No;thereareonlytwo;motheranddaughter.Themotherisaladyofsomestation,thoughnotaversetoincreasingherincome.”
“IwonderMissHavishamcouldpartwithyouagainsosoon.”
“ItisapartofMissHavisham’splansforme,Pip,”saidEstella,withasigh,asifsheweretired;“IamtowritetoherconstantlyandseeherregularlyandreporthowIgoon—Iandthejewels—fortheyarenearlyallminenow.”
Itwasthefirsttimeshehadevercalledmebymyname.Ofcourseshedidso,purposely,andknewthatIshouldtreasureitup.
WecametoRichmondalltoosoon,andourdestinationthere,wasahousebytheGreen;astaidoldhouse,wherehoopsandpowderandpatches,embroideredcoatsrolledstockingsrufflesandswords,hadhadtheircourtdaysmanyatime.
Someancienttreesbeforethehousewerestillcutintofashionsasformalandunnaturalasthehoopsandwigsandstiffskirts;buttheirownallottedplacesinthegreatprocessionofthedeadwerenotfaroff,andtheywouldsoondropintothemandgothesilentwayoftherest.
Abellwithanoldvoice—whichIdaresayinitstimehadoftensaidtothehouse,Hereisthegreenfarthingale,Hereisthediamondhiltedsword,Herearetheshoeswithredheelsandthebluesolitaire,—soundedgravelyinthemoonlight,andtwocherrycolouredmaidscameflutteringouttoreceiveEstella.
Thedoorwaysoonabsorbedherboxes,andshegavemeherhandandasmile,andsaidgoodnight,andwasabsorbedlikewise.
AndstillIstoodlookingatthehouse,thinkinghowhappyIshouldbeifIlivedtherewithher,andknowingthatIneverwashappywithher,butalwaysmiserable.
IgotintothecarriagetobetakenbacktoHammersmith,andIgotinwithabadheart-ache,andIgotoutwithaworseheart-ache.
Atourowndoor,IfoundlittleJanePocketcominghomefromalittlepartyescortedbyherlittlelover;andIenviedherlittlelover,inspiteofhisbeingsubjecttoFlopson.
Mr.Pocketwasoutlecturing;for,hewasamostdelightfullecturerondomesticeconomy,andhistreatisesonthemanagementofchildrenandservantswereconsideredtheverybesttext-booksonthosethemes.
But,Mrs.Pocketwasathome,andwasinalittledifficulty,onaccountofthebaby’shavingbeenaccommodatedwithaneedle-casetokeephimquietduringtheunaccountableabsence(witharelativeintheFootGuards)ofMillers.
Andmoreneedlesweremissing,thanitcouldberegardedasquitewholesomeforapatientofsuchtenderyearseithertoapplyexternallyortotakeasatonic.
Mr.Pocketbeingjustlycelebratedforgivingmostexcellentpracticaladvice,andforhavingaclearandsoundperceptionofthingsandahighlyjudiciousmind,Ihadsomenotioninmyheartacheofbegginghimtoacceptmyconfidence.
But,happeningtolookupatMrs.PocketasshesatreadingherbookofdignitiesafterprescribingBedasasovereignremedyforbaby,Ithought—Well—No,Iwouldn’t.
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