English
OnourarrivalinDenmark,wefoundthekingandqueenofthatcountryelevatedintwoarm-chairsonakitchen-table,holdingaCourt.
ThewholeoftheDanishnobilitywereinattendance;consistingofanobleboyinthewash-leatherbootsofagiganticancestor,avenerablePeerwithadirtyfacewhoseemedtohaverisenfromthepeoplelateinlife,andtheDanishchivalrywithacombinitshairandapairofwhitesilklegs,andpresentingonthewholeafeminineappearance.
Mygiftedtownsmanstoodgloomilyapart,withfoldedarms,andIcouldhavewishedthathiscurlsandforeheadhadbeenmoreprobable.
Severalcuriouslittlecircumstancestranspiredastheactionproceeded.
Thelatekingofthecountrynotonlyappearedtohavebeentroubledwithacoughatthetimeofhisdecease,buttohavetakenitwithhimtothetomb,andtohavebroughtitback.
Theroyalphantomalsocarriedaghostlymanuscriptrounditstruncheon,towhichithadtheappearanceofoccasionallyreferring,andthat,too,withanairofanxietyandatendencytolosetheplaceofreferencewhichweresuggestiveofastateofmortality.
Itwasthis,Iconceive,whichledtotheShade’sbeingadvisedbythegalleryto“turnover!”
—arecommendationwhichittookextremelyill.
Itwaslikewisetobenotedofthismajesticspiritthatwhereasitalwaysappearedwithanairofhavingbeenoutalongtimeandwalkedanimmensedistance,itperceptiblycamefromacloselycontiguouswall.
Thisoccasioneditsterrorstobereceivedderisively.
TheQueenofDenmark,averybuxomlady,thoughnodoubthistoricallybrazen,wasconsideredbythepublictohavetoomuchbrassabouther;herchinbeingattachedtoherdiadembyabroadbandofthatmetal(asifshehadagorgeoustoothache),herwaistbeingencircledbyanother,andeachofherarmsbyanother,sothatshewasopenlymentionedas“thekettledrum.”
Thenobleboyintheancestralboots,wasinconsistent;representinghimself,asitwereinonebreath,asanableseaman,astrollingactor,agrave-digger,aclergyman,andapersonoftheutmostimportanceataCourtfencing-match,ontheauthorityofwhosepractisedeyeandnicediscriminationthefineststrokeswerejudged.
Thisgraduallyledtoawantoftolerationforhim,andeven—onhisbeingdetectedinholyorders,anddecliningtoperformthefuneralservice—tothegeneralindignationtakingtheformofnuts.
Lastly,Opheliawasapreytosuchslowmusicalmadness,thatwhen,incourseoftime,shehadtakenoffherwhitemuslinscarf,foldeditup,andburiedit,asulkymanwhohadbeenlongcoolinghisimpatientnoseagainstanironbarinthefrontrowofthegallery,growled,“Nowthebaby’sputtobedlet’shavesupper!”
Which,tosaytheleastofit,wasoutofkeeping.
Uponmyunfortunatetownsmanalltheseincidentsaccumulatedwithplayfuleffect.
WheneverthatundecidedPrincehadtoaskaquestionorstateadoubt,thepublichelpedhimoutwithit.
Asforexample;onthequestionwhether‘twasnoblerinthemindtosuffer,someroaredyes,andsomeno,andsomeincliningtobothopinionssaid“tossupforit;”andquiteaDebatingSocietyarose.
Whenheaskedwhatshouldsuchfellowsashedocrawlingbetweenearthandheaven,hewasencouragedwithloudcriesof“Hear,hear!”
Whenheappearedwithhisstockingdisordered(itsdisorderexpressed,accordingtousage,byoneveryneatfoldinthetop,whichIsupposetobealwaysgotupwithaflatiron),aconversationtookplaceinthegalleryrespectingthepalenessofhisleg,andwhetheritwasoccasionedbytheturntheghosthadgivenhim.
Onhistakingtherecorders—verylikealittleblackflutethathadjustbeenplayedintheorchestraandhandedoutatthedoor—hewascalleduponunanimouslyforRuleBritannia.
Whenherecommendedtheplayernottosawtheairthus,thesulkymansaid,“Anddon’tyoudoit,neither;you’readealworsethanhim!”
AndIgrievetoaddthatpealsoflaughtergreetedMr.Wopsleoneveryoneoftheseoccasions.
Buthisgreatesttrialswereinthechurchyard:whichhadtheappearanceofaprimevalforest,withakindofsmallecclesiasticalwash-houseononeside,andaturnpikegateontheother.
Mr.Wopsleinacomprehensiveblackcloak,beingdescriedenteringattheturnpike,thegravediggerwasadmonishedinafriendlyway,“Lookout!
Here’stheundertakera-coming,toseehowyou’rea-gettingonwithyourwork!”
IbelieveitiswellknowninaconstitutionalcountrythatMr.Wopslecouldnotpossiblyhavereturnedtheskull,aftermoralizingoverit,withoutdustinghisfingersonawhitenapkintakenfromhisbreast;buteventhatinnocentandindispensableactiondidnotpasswithoutthecomment“Wai-ter!”
Thearrivalofthebodyforinterment(inanemptyblackboxwiththelidtumblingopen),wasthesignalforageneraljoywhichwasmuchenhancedbythediscovery,amongthebearers,ofanindividualobnoxioustoidentification.
ThejoyattendedMr.WopslethroughhisstrugglewithLaertesonthebrinkoftheorchestraandthegrave,andslackenednomoreuntilhehadtumbledthekingoffthekitchen-table,andhaddiedbyinchesfromtheanklesupward.
WehadmadesomepaleeffortsinthebeginningtoapplaudMr.Wopsle;buttheyweretoohopelesstobepersistedin.
Thereforewehadsat,feelingkeenlyforhim,butlaughing,nevertheless,fromeartoear.
Ilaughedinspiteofmyselfallthetime,thewholethingwassodroll;andyetIhadalatentimpressionthattherewassomethingdecidedlyfineinMr.Wopsle’selocution—notforoldassociations’sake,Iamafraid,butbecauseitwasveryslow,verydreary,veryup-hillanddown-hill,andveryunlikeanywayinwhichanymaninanynaturalcircumstancesoflifeordeatheverexpressedhimselfaboutanything.
Whenthetragedywasover,andhehadbeencalledforandhooted,IsaidtoHerbert,“Letusgoatonce,orperhapsweshallmeethim.”
Wemadeallthehastewecoulddown-stairs,butwewerenotquickenougheither.
StandingatthedoorwasaJewishmanwithanunnaturalheavysmearofeyebrow,whocaughtmyeyesasweadvanced,andsaid,whenwecameupwithhim:
“Mr.Pipandfriend?”
IdentityofMr.Pipandfriendconfessed.
“Mr.Waldengarver,”saidtheman,“wouldbegladtohavethehonour.”
“Waldengarver?”Irepeated—whenHerbertmurmuredinmyear,“ProbablyWopsle.”
“Oh!”saidI.“Yes.Shallwefollowyou?”
“Afewsteps,please.”Whenwewereinasidealley,heturnedandasked,“Howdidyouthinkhelooked?—Idressedhim.”
Idon’tknowwhathehadlookedlike,exceptafuneral;withtheadditionofalargeDanishsunorstarhangingroundhisneckbyablueribbon,thathadgivenhimtheappearanceofbeinginsuredinsomeextraordinaryFireOffice.ButIsaidhehadlookedverynice.
“Whenhecometothegrave,”saidourconductor,“heshowedhiscloakbeautiful.
But,judgingfromthewing,itlookedtomethatwhenheseetheghostinthequeen’sapartment,hemighthavemademoreofhisstockings.”
Imodestlyassented,andweallfellthroughalittledirtyswingdoor,intoasortofhotpacking-caseimmediatelybehindit.
HereMr.WopslewasdivestinghimselfofhisDanishgarments,andheretherewasjustroomforustolookathimoveroneanother’sshoulders,bykeepingthepacking-casedoor,orlid,wideopen.
“Gentlemen,”saidMr.Wopsle,“Iamproudtoseeyou.
Ihope,Mr.Pip,youwillexcusemysendinground.
Ihadthehappinesstoknowyouinformertimes,andtheDramahaseverhadaclaimwhichhaseverbeenacknowledged,onthenobleandtheaffluent.”
Meanwhile,Mr.Waldengarver,inafrightfulperspiration,wastryingtogethimselfoutofhisprincelysables.
“Skinthestockingsoff,Mr.Waldengarver,”saidtheownerofthatproperty,“oryou’llbust‘em.
Bust‘em,andyou’llbustfive-and-thirtyshillings.
Shakspeareneverwascomplimentedwithafinerpair.
Keepquietinyourchairnow,andleave‘emtome.”
Withthat,hewentuponhisknees,andbegantoflayhisvictim;who,onthefirststockingcomingoff,wouldcertainlyhavefallenoverbackwardwithhischair,butfortherebeingnoroomtofallanyhow.
Ihadbeenafraiduntilthentosayawordabouttheplay.Butthen,Mr.Waldengarverlookedupatuscomplacently,andsaid:
“Gentlemen,howdiditseemtoyou,togo,infront?”
Herbertsaidfrombehind(atthesametimepokingme),“capitally.”SoIsaid“capitally.”
“Howdidyoulikemyreadingofthecharacter,gentlemen?”saidMr.Waldengarver,almost,ifnotquite,withpatronage.
Herbertsaidfrombehind(againpokingme),“massiveandconcrete.”SoIsaidboldly,asifIhadoriginatedit,andmustbegtoinsistuponit,“massiveandconcrete.”
“Iamgladtohaveyourapprobation,gentlemen,”saidMr.Waldengarver,withanairofdignity,inspiteofhisbeinggroundagainstthewallatthetime,andholdingonbytheseatofthechair.
“ButI’lltellyouonething,Mr.Waldengarver,”saidthemanwhowasonhisknees,“inwhichyou’reoutinyourreading.Nowmind!
Idon’tcarewhosayscontrairy;Itellyouso.
You’reoutinyourreadingofHamletwhenyougetyourlegsinprofile.
ThelastHamletasIdressed,madethesamemistakesinhisreadingatrehearsal,tillIgothimtoputalargeredwaferoneachofhisshins,andthenatthatrehearsal(whichwasthelast)Iwentinfront,sir,tothebackofthepit,andwheneverhisreadingbroughthimintoprofile,Icalledout“Idon’tseenowafers!”Andatnighthisreadingwaslovely.”
Mr.Waldengarversmiledatme,asmuchastosay“afaithfuldependent—Ioverlookhisfolly;”andthensaidaloud,“Myviewisalittleclassicandthoughtfulforthemhere;buttheywillimprove,theywillimprove.”
HerbertandIsaidtogether,Oh,nodoubttheywouldimprove.
“Didyouobserve,gentlemen,”saidMr.Waldengarver,“thattherewasamaninthegallerywhoendeavouredtocastderisionontheservice—Imean,therepresentation?”
Webaselyrepliedthatweratherthoughtwehadnoticedsuchaman.Iadded,“Hewasdrunk,nodoubt.”
“Ohdearno,sir,”saidMr.Wopsle,“notdrunk.Hisemployerwouldseetothat,sir.Hisemployerwouldnotallowhimtobedrunk.”
“Youknowhisemployer?”saidI.
Mr.Wopsleshuthiseyes,andopenedthemagain;performingbothceremoniesveryslowly.
“Youmusthaveobserved,gentlemen,”saidhe,“anignorantandablatantass,witharaspingthroatandacountenanceexpressiveoflowmalignity,whowentthrough—Iwillnotsaysustained—therole(ifImayuseaFrenchexpression)ofClaudiusKingofDenmark.Thatishisemployer,gentlemen.Suchistheprofession!”
WithoutdistinctlyknowingwhetherIshouldhavebeenmoresorryforMr.Wopsleifhehadbeenindespair,Iwassosorryforhimasitwas,thatItooktheopportunityofhisturningroundtohavehisbracesputon—whichjostledusoutatthedoorway—toaskHerbertwhathethoughtofhavinghimhometosupper?
Herbertsaidhethoughtitwouldbekindtodoso;thereforeIinvitedhim,andhewenttoBarnard’swithus,wrappeduptotheeyes,andwedidourbestforhim,andhesatuntiltwoo’clockinthemorning,reviewinghissuccessanddevelopinghisplans.
Iforgetindetailwhattheywere,butIhaveageneralrecollectionthathewastobeginwithrevivingtheDrama,andtoendwithcrushingit;inasmuchashisdeceasewouldleaveitutterlybereftandwithoutachanceorhope.
MiserablyIwenttobedafterall,andmiserablythoughtofEstella,andmiserablydreamedthatmyexpectationswereallcancelled,andthatIhadtogivemyhandinmarriagetoHerbert’sClara,orplayHamlettoMissHavisham’sGhost,beforetwentythousandpeople,withoutknowingtwentywordsofit.
Share this article to
FINISH