English
AfterwellconsideringthematterwhileIwasdressingattheBlueBoarinthemorning,IresolvedtotellmyguardianthatIdoubtedOrlick’sbeingtherightsortofmantofillapostoftrustatMissHavisham’s.
“Why,ofcourseheisnottherightsortofman,Pip,”saidmyguardian,comfortablysatisfiedbeforehandonthegeneralhead,“becausethemanwhofillsthepostoftrustneveristherightsortofman.”
Itseemedquitetoputhimintospirits,tofindthatthisparticularpostwasnotexceptionallyheldbytherightsortofman,andhelistenedinasatisfiedmannerwhileItoldhimwhatknowledgeIhadofOrlick.
“Verygood,Pip,”heobserved,whenIhadconcluded,“I’llgoroundpresently,andpayourfriendoff.”
Ratheralarmedbythissummaryaction,Iwasforalittledelay,andevenhintedthatourfriendhimselfmightbedifficulttodealwith.
“Ohnohewon’t,”saidmyguardian,makinghispocket-handkerchief-point,withperfectconfidence;“Ishouldliketoseehimarguethequestionwithme.”
AsweweregoingbacktogethertoLondonbythemid-daycoach,andasIbreakfastedundersuchterrorsofPumblechookthatIcouldscarcelyholdmycup,thisgavemeanopportunityofsayingthatIwantedawalk,andthatIwouldgoonalongtheLondon-roadwhileMr.Jaggerswasoccupied,ifhewouldletthecoachmanknowthatIwouldgetintomyplacewhenovertaken.
IwasthusenabledtoflyfromtheBlueBoarimmediatelyafterbreakfast.
BythenmakingaloopofaboutacoupleofmilesintotheopencountryatthebackofPumblechook’spremises,IgotroundintotheHigh-streetagain,alittlebeyondthatpitfall,andfeltmyselfincomparativesecurity.
Itwasinterestingtobeinthequietoldtownoncemore,anditwasnotdisagreeabletobehereandtheresuddenlyrecognizedandstaredafter.
Oneortwoofthetradespeopleevendartedoutoftheirshopsandwentalittlewaydownthestreetbeforeme,thattheymightturn,asiftheyhadforgottensomething,andpassmefacetoface—onwhichoccasionsIdon’tknowwhethertheyorImadetheworsepretence;theyofnotdoingit,orIofnotseeingit.
Stillmypositionwasadistinguishedone,andIwasnotatalldissatisfiedwithit,untilFatethrewmeinthewayofthatunlimitedmiscreant,Trabb’sboy.
Castingmyeyesalongthestreetatacertainpointofmyprogress,IbeheldTrabb’sboyapproaching,lashinghimselfwithanemptybluebag.
Deemingthatasereneandunconsciouscontemplationofhimwouldbestbeseemme,andwouldbemostlikelytoquellhisevilmind,Iadvancedwiththatexpressionofcountenance,andwasrathercongratulatingmyselfonmysuccess,whensuddenlythekneesofTrabb’sboysmotetogether,hishairuprose,hiscapfelloff,hetrembledviolentlyineverylimb,staggeredoutintotheroad,andcryingtothepopulace,“Holdme!
I’msofrightened!”
feignedtobeinaparoxysmofterrorandcontrition,occasionedbythedignityofmyappearance.
AsIpassedhim,histeethloudlychatteredinhishead,andwitheverymarkofextremehumiliation,heprostratedhimselfinthedust.
Thiswasahardthingtobear,butthiswasnothing.
Ihadnotadvancedanothertwohundredyards,when,tomyinexpressibleterror,amazement,andindignation,IagainbeheldTrabb’sboyapproaching.Hewascomingroundanarrowcorner.
Hisbluebagwasslungoverhisshoulder,honestindustrybeamedinhiseyes,adeterminationtoproceedtoTrabb’swithcheerfulbrisknesswasindicatedinhisgait.
Withashockhebecameawareofme,andwasseverelyvisitedasbefore;butthistimehismotionwasrotatory,andhestaggeredroundandroundmewithkneesmoreafflicted,andwithupliftedhandsasifbeseechingformercy.
Hissufferingswerehailedwiththegreatestjoybyaknotofspectators,andIfeltutterlyconfounded.
Ihadnotgotasmuchfurtherdownthestreetasthepost-office,whenIagainbeheldTrabb’sboyshootingroundbyabackway.Thistime,hewasentirelychanged.
Heworethebluebaginthemannerofmygreat-coat,andwasstruttingalongthepavementtowardsmeontheoppositesideofthestreet,attendedbyacompanyofdelightedyoungfriendstowhomhefromtimetotimeexclaimed,withawaveofhishand,“Don’tknowyah!”
WordscannotstatetheamountofaggravationandinjurywreakeduponmebyTrabb’sboy,when,passingabreastofme,hepulleduphisshirt-collar,twinedhisside-hair,stuckanarmakimbo,andsmirkedextravagantlyby,wrigglinghiselbowsandbody,anddrawlingtohisattendants,“Don’tknowyah,don’tknowyah,ponmysouldon’tknowyah!”
Thedisgraceattendantonhisimmediatelyafterwardstakingtocrowingandpursuingmeacrossthebridgewithcrows,asfromanexceedinglydejectedfowlwhohadknownmewhenIwasablacksmith,culminatedthedisgracewithwhichIleftthetown,andwas,sotospeak,ejectedbyitintotheopencountry.
ButunlessIhadtakenthelifeofTrabb’sboyonthatoccasion,IreallydonotevennowseewhatIcouldhavedonesaveendure.
Tohavestruggledwithhiminthestreet,ortohaveexactedanylowerrecompensefromhimthanhisheart’sbestblood,wouldhavebeenfutileanddegrading.
Moreover,hewasaboywhomnomancouldhurt;aninvulnerableanddodgingserpentwho,whenchasedintoacorner,flewoutagainbetweenhiscaptor’slegs,scornfullyyelping.
Iwrote,however,toMr.Trabbbynextday’spost,tosaythatMr.Pipmustdeclinetodealfurtherwithonewhocouldsofarforgetwhatheowedtothebestinterestsofsociety,astoemployaboywhoexcitedLoathingineveryrespectablemind.
Thecoach,withMr.Jaggersinside,cameupinduetime,andItookmybox-seatagain,andarrivedinLondonsafe—butnotsound,formyheartwasgone.
AssoonasIarrived,IsentapenitentialcodfishandbarrelofoysterstoJoe(asreparationfornothavinggonemyself),andthenwentontoBarnard’sInn.
IfoundHerbertdiningoncoldmeat,anddelightedtowelcomemeback.
HavingdespatchedTheAvengertothecoffee-houseforanadditiontothedinner,IfeltthatImustopenmybreastthatveryeveningtomyfriendandchum.
AsconfidencewasoutofthequestionwithTheAvengerinthehall,whichcouldmerelyberegardedinthelightofanante-chambertothekeyhole,IsenthimtothePlay.
Abetterproofoftheseverityofmybondagetothattaskmastercouldscarcelybeafforded,thanthedegradingshiftstowhichIwasconstantlydriventofindhimemployment.
Someanisextremity,thatIsometimessenthimtoHydeParkCornertoseewhato’clockitwas.
Dinnerdoneandwesittingwithourfeetuponthefender,IsaidtoHerbert,“MydearHerbert,Ihavesomethingveryparticulartotellyou.”
“MydearHandel,”hereturned,“Ishallesteemandrespectyourconfidence.”
“Itconcernsmyself,Herbert,”saidI,“andoneotherperson.”
Herbertcrossedhisfeet,lookedatthefirewithhisheadononeside,andhavinglookedatitinvainforsometime,lookedatmebecauseIdidn’tgoon.
“Herbert,”saidI,layingmyhanduponhisknee,“Ilove—Iadore—Estella.”
Insteadofbeingtransfixed,Herbertrepliedinaneasymatter-ofcourseway,“Exactly.Well?”
“Well,Herbert?Isthatallyousay?Well?”
“Whatnext,Imean?”saidHerbert.“OfcourseIknowthat.”
“Howdoyouknowit?”saidI.
“HowdoIknowit,Handel?Why,fromyou.”
“Inevertoldyou.”
“Toldme!Youhavenevertoldmewhenyouhavegotyourhaircut,butIhavehadsensestoperceiveit.
Youhavealwaysadoredher,eversinceIhaveknownyou.
Youbroughtyouradorationandyourportmanteauhere,together.Toldme!
Why,youhavealwaystoldmealldaylong.
Whenyoutoldmeyourownstory,youtoldmeplainlythatyoubeganadoringherthefirsttimeyousawher,whenyouwereveryyoungindeed.”
“Verywell,then,”saidI,towhomthiswasanewandnotunwelcomelight,“Ihaveneverleftoffadoringher.
Andshehascomeback,amostbeautifulandmostelegantcreature.AndIsawheryesterday.
AndifIadoredherbefore,Inowdoublyadoreher.”
“Luckyforyouthen,Handel,”saidHerbert,“thatyouarepickedoutforherandallottedtoher.
Withoutencroachingonforbiddenground,wemayventuretosaythattherecanbenodoubtbetweenourselvesofthatfact.
Haveyouanyideayet,ofEstella’sviewsontheadorationquestion?”
Ishookmyheadgloomily.“Oh!Sheisthousandsofmilesaway,fromme,”saidI.
“Patience,mydearHandel:timeenough,timeenough.Butyouhavesomethingmoretosay?”
“Iamashamedtosayit,”Ireturned,“andyetit’snoworsetosayitthantothinkit.Youcallmealuckyfellow.Ofcourse,Iam.
Iwasablacksmith’sboybutyesterday;Iam—whatshallIsayIam—to-day?”
“Say,agoodfellow,ifyouwantaphrase,”returnedHerbert,smiling,andclappinghishandonthebackofmine,“agoodfellow,withimpetuosityandhesitation,boldnessanddiffidence,actionanddreaming,curiouslymixedinhim.”
Istoppedforamomenttoconsiderwhethertherereallywasthismixtureinmycharacter.Onthewhole,Ibynomeansrecognizedtheanalysis,butthoughtitnotworthdisputing.
“WhenIaskwhatIamtocallmyselfto-day,Herbert,”Iwenton,“IsuggestwhatIhaveinmythoughts.YousayIamlucky.
IknowIhavedonenothingtoraisemyselfinlife,andthatFortunealonehasraisedme;thatisbeingverylucky.Andyet,whenIthinkofEstella—”
(“Andwhendon’tyou,youknow?”Herbertthrewin,withhiseyesonthefire;whichIthoughtkindandsympatheticofhim.)
”—Then,mydearHerbert,IcannottellyouhowdependentanduncertainIfeel,andhowexposedtohundredsofchances.
Avoidingforbiddenground,asyoudidjustnow,Imaystillsaythatontheconstancyofoneperson(namingnoperson)allmyexpectationsdepend.
Andatthebest,howindefiniteandunsatisfactory,onlytoknowsovaguelywhattheyare!”
Insayingthis,Irelievedmymindofwhathadalwaysbeenthere,moreorless,thoughnodoubtmostsinceyesterday.
“Now,Handel,”Herbertreplied,inhisgayhopefulway,“itseemstomethatinthedespondencyofthetenderpassion,wearelookingintoourgift-horse’smouthwithamagnifying-glass.
Likewise,itseemstomethat,concentratingourattentionontheexamination,wealtogetheroverlookoneofthebestpointsoftheanimal.
Didn’tyoutellmethatyourguardian,Mr.Jaggers,toldyouinthebeginning,thatyouwerenotendowedwithexpectationsonly?
Andevenifhehadnottoldyouso—thoughthatisaverylargeIf,Igrant—couldyoubelievethatofallmeninLondon,Mr.Jaggersisthemantoholdhispresentrelationstowardsyouunlessheweresureofhisground?”
IsaidIcouldnotdenythatthiswasastrongpoint.Isaidit(peopleoftendoso,insuchcases)likearatherreluctantconcessiontotruthandjustice;—asifIwantedtodenyit!
“Ishouldthinkitwasastrongpoint,”saidHerbert,“andIshouldthinkyouwouldbepuzzledtoimagineastronger;astotherest,youmustbideyourguardian’stime,andhemustbidehisclient’stime.
You’llbeone-and-twentybeforeyouknowwhereyouare,andthenperhapsyou’llgetsomefurtherenlightenment.
Atallevents,you’llbenearergettingit,foritmustcomeatlast.”
“Whatahopefuldispositionyouhave!”saidI,gratefullyadmiringhischeeryways.
“Ioughttohave,”saidHerbert,“forIhavenotmuchelse.
Imustacknowledge,by-the-bye,thatthegoodsenseofwhatIhavejustsaidisnotmyown,butmyfather’s.
TheonlyremarkIeverheardhimmakeonyourstory,wasthefinalone:“Thethingissettledanddone,orMr.Jaggerswouldnotbeinit.”
AndnowbeforeIsayanythingmoreaboutmyfather,ormyfather’sson,andrepayconfidencewithconfidence,Iwanttomakemyselfseriouslydisagreeabletoyouforamoment—positivelyrepulsive.”
“Youwon’tsucceed,”saidI.
“OhyesIshall!”saidhe.
“One,two,three,andnowIaminforit.
Handel,mygoodfellow;”thoughhespokeinthislighttone,hewasverymuchinearnest:“Ihavebeenthinkingsincewehavebeentalkingwithourfeetonthisfender,thatEstellasurelycannotbeaconditionofyourinheritance,ifshewasneverreferredtobyyourguardian.
AmIrightinsounderstandingwhatyouhavetoldme,asthatheneverreferredtoher,directlyorindirectly,inanyway?
Neverevenhinted,forinstance,thatyourpatronmighthaveviewsastoyourmarriageultimately?”
“Never.”
“Now,Handel,Iamquitefreefromtheflavourofsourgrapes,uponmysoulandhonour!Notbeingboundtoher,canyounotdetachyourselffromher?—ItoldyouIshouldbedisagreeable.”
Iturnedmyheadaside,for,witharushandasweep,liketheoldmarshwindscomingupfromthesea,afeelinglikethatwhichhadsubduedmeonthemorningwhenIlefttheforge,whenthemistsweresolemnlyrising,andwhenIlaidmyhanduponthevillagefinger-post,smoteuponmyheartagain.
Therewassilencebetweenusforalittlewhile.
“Yes;butmydearHandel,”Herbertwenton,asifwehadbeentalkinginsteadofsilent,“itshavingbeensostronglyrootedinthebreastofaboywhomnatureandcircumstancesmadesoromantic,rendersitveryserious.
Thinkofherbringing-up,andthinkofMissHavisham.
Thinkofwhatsheisherself(nowIamrepulsiveandyouabominateme).Thismayleadtomiserablethings.”
“Iknowit,Herbert,”saidI,withmyheadstillturnedaway,“butIcan’thelpit.”
“Youcan’tdetachyourself?”
“No.Impossible!”
“Youcan’ttry,Handel?”
“No.Impossible!”
“Well!”saidHerbert,gettingupwithalivelyshakeasifhehadbeenasleep,andstirringthefire;“nowI’llendeavourtomakemyselfagreeableagain!”
Sohewentroundtheroomandshookthecurtainsout,putthechairsintheirplaces,tidiedthebooksandsoforththatwerelyingabout,lookedintothehall,peepedintotheletter-box,shutthedoor,andcamebacktohischairbythefire:wherehesatdown,nursinghisleftleginbotharms.
“Iwasgoingtosayawordortwo,Handel,concerningmyfatherandmyfather’sson.
Iamafraiditisscarcelynecessaryformyfather’ssontoremarkthatmyfather’sestablishmentisnotparticularlybrilliantinitshousekeeping.”
“Thereisalwaysplenty,Herbert,”saidI:tosaysomethingencouraging.
“Ohyes!andsothedustmansays,Ibelieve,withthestrongestapproval,andsodoesthemarine-storeshopinthebackstreet.
Gravely,Handel,forthesubjectisgraveenough,youknowhowitis,aswellasIdo.
Isupposetherewasatimeoncewhenmyfatherhadnotgivenmattersup;butifevertherewas,thetimeisgone.
MayIaskyouifyouhaveeverhadanopportunityofremarking,downinyourpartofthecountry,thatthechildrenofnotexactlysuitablemarriages,arealwaysmostparticularlyanxioustobemarried?”
Thiswassuchasingularquestion,thatIaskedhiminreturn,“Isitso?”
“Idon’tknow,”saidHerbert,“that’swhatIwanttoknow.
Becauseitisdecidedlythecasewithus.
MypoorsisterCharlottewhowasnextmeanddiedbeforeshewasfourteen,wasastrikingexample.LittleJaneisthesame.
Inherdesiretobematrimoniallyestablished,youmightsupposehertohavepassedhershortexistenceintheperpetualcontemplationofdomesticbliss.
LittleAlickinafrockhasalreadymadearrangementsforhisunionwithasuitableyoungpersonatKew.
Andindeed,Ithinkweareallengaged,exceptthebaby.”
“Thenyouare?”saidI.
“Iam,”saidHerbert;“butit’sasecret.”
Iassuredhimofmykeepingthesecret,andbeggedtobefavouredwithfurtherparticulars.HehadspokensosensiblyandfeelinglyofmyweaknessthatIwantedtoknowsomethingabouthisstrength.
“MayIaskthename?”Isaid.
“NameofClara,”saidHerbert.
“LiveinLondon?”
“Yes.perhapsIoughttomention,”saidHerbert,whohadbecomecuriouslycrestfallenandmeek,sinceweenteredontheinterestingtheme,“thatsheisratherbelowmymother’snonsensicalfamilynotions.
Herfatherhadtodowiththevictuallingofpassenger-ships.Ithinkhewasaspeciesofpurser.”
“Whatishenow?”saidI.
“He’saninvalidnow,”repliedHerbert.
“Livingon—?”
“Onthefirstfloor,”saidHerbert.WhichwasnotatallwhatImeant,forIhadintendedmyquestiontoapplytohismeans.
“Ihaveneverseenhim,forhehasalwayskepthisroomoverhead,sinceIhaveknownClara.ButIhaveheardhimconstantly.
Hemakestremendousrows—roars,andpegsatthefloorwithsomefrightfulinstrument.”
Inlookingatmeandthenlaughingheartily,Herbertforthetimerecoveredhisusuallivelymanner.
“Don’tyouexpecttoseehim?”saidI.
“Ohyes,Iconstantlyexpecttoseehim,”returnedHerbert,“becauseIneverhearhim,withoutexpectinghimtocometumblingthroughtheceiling.ButIdon’tknowhowlongtheraftersmayhold.”
Whenhehadoncemorelaughedheartily,hebecamemeekagain,andtoldmethatthemomenthebegantorealizeCapital,itwashisintentiontomarrythisyounglady.
Headdedasaself-evidentproposition,engenderinglowspirits,“Butyoucan’tmarry,youknow,whileyou’relookingaboutyou.”
Aswecontemplatedthefire,andasIthoughtwhatadifficultvisiontorealizethissameCapitalsometimeswas,Iputmyhandsinmypockets.
Afoldedpieceofpaperinoneofthemattractingmyattention,IopeneditandfoundittobetheplaybillIhadreceivedfromJoe,relativetothecelebratedprovincialamateurofRoscianrenown.
“Andblessmyheart,”Iinvoluntarilyaddedaloud,“it’sto-night!”
Thischangedthesubjectinaninstant,andmadeushurriedlyresolvetogototheplay.
So,whenIhadpledgedmyselftocomfortandabetHerbertintheaffairofhisheartbyallpracticableandimpracticablemeans,andwhenHerberthadtoldmethathisaffiancedalreadyknewmebyreputationandthatIshouldbepresentedtoher,andwhenwehadwarmlyshakenhandsuponourmutualconfidence,weblewoutourcandles,madeupourfire,lockedourdoor,andissuedforthinquestofMr.WopsleandDenmark.
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