English
ItwasinthefourthyearofmyapprenticeshiptoJoe,anditwasaSaturdaynight.
TherewasagroupassembledroundthefireattheThreeJollyBargemen,attentivetoMr.Wopsleashereadthenewspaperaloud.OfthatgroupIwasone.
Ahighlypopularmurderhadbeencommitted,andMr.Wopslewasimbruedinbloodtotheeyebrows.
Hegloatedovereveryabhorrentadjectiveinthedescription,andidentifiedhimselfwitheverywitnessattheInquest.
Hefaintlymoaned,“Iamdonefor,”asthevictim,andhebarbarouslybellowed,“I’llserveyouout,”asthemurderer.
Hegavethemedicaltestimony,inpointedimitationofourlocalpractitioner;andhepipedandshook,astheagedturnpike-keeperwhohadheardblows,toanextentsoveryparalyticastosuggestadoubtregardingthementalcompetencyofthatwitness.
Thecoroner,inMr.Wopsle’shands,becameTimonofAthens;thebeadle,Coriolanus.
Heenjoyedhimselfthoroughly,andweallenjoyedourselves,andweredelightfullycomfortable.
InthiscozystateofmindwecametotheverdictWilfulMurder.
Then,andnotsooner,Ibecameawareofastrangegentlemanleaningoverthebackofthesettleoppositeme,lookingon.
Therewasanexpressionofcontemptonhisface,andhebitthesideofagreatforefingerashewatchedthegroupoffaces.
“Well!”saidthestrangertoMr.Wopsle,whenthereadingwasdone,“youhavesettleditalltoyourownsatisfaction,Ihavenodoubt?”
Everybodystartedandlookedup,asifitwerethemurderer.Helookedateverybodycoldlyandsarcastically.
“Guilty,ofcourse?”saidhe.“Outwithit.Come!”
“Sir,”returnedMr.Wopsle,“withouthavingthehonourofyouracquaintance,IdosayGuilty.”Uponthis,wealltookcouragetouniteinaconfirmatorymurmur.
“Iknowyoudo,”saidthestranger;“Iknewyouwould.Itoldyouso.ButnowI’llaskyouaquestion.
Doyouknow,ordoyounotknow,thatthelawofEnglandsupposeseverymantobeinnocent,untilheisproved—proved—tobeguilty?”
“Sir,”Mr.Wopslebegantoreply,“asanEnglishmanmyself,I—”
“Come!”saidthestranger,bitinghisforefingerathim.“Don’tevadethequestion.Eitheryouknowit,oryoudon’tknowit.Whichisittobe?”
Hestoodwithhisheadononesideandhimselfononeside,inabullyinginterrogativemanner,andhethrewhisforefingeratMr.Wopsle—asitweretomarkhimout—beforebitingitagain.
“Now!”saidhe.“Doyouknowit,ordon’tyouknowit?”
“CertainlyIknowit,”repliedMr.Wopsle.
“Certainlyyouknowit.Thenwhydidn’tyousaysoatfirst?
Now,I’llaskyouanotherquestion;”takingpossessionofMr.Wopsle,asifhehadarighttohim.
“Doyouknowthatnoneofthesewitnesseshaveyetbeencross-examined?”
Mr.Wopslewasbeginning,“Icanonlysay—”whenthestrangerstoppedhim.
“What?Youwon’tanswerthequestion,yesorno?Now,I’lltryyouagain.”Throwinghisfingerathimagain.“Attendtome.
Areyouaware,orareyounotaware,thatnoneofthesewitnesseshaveyetbeencross-examined?Come,Ionlywantonewordfromyou.Yes,orno?”
Mr.Wopslehesitated,andweallbegantoconceiveratherapooropinionofhim.
“Come!”saidthestranger,“I’llhelpyou.Youdon’tdeservehelp,butI’llhelpyou.Lookatthatpaperyouholdinyourhand.Whatisit?”
“Whatisit?”repeatedMr.Wopsle,eyeingit,muchataloss.
“Isit,”pursuedthestrangerinhismostsarcasticandsuspiciousmanner,“theprintedpaperyouhavejustbeenreadingfrom?”
“Undoubtedly.”
“Undoubtedly.Now,turntothatpaper,andtellmewhetheritdistinctlystatesthattheprisonerexpresslysaidthathislegaladvisersinstructedhimaltogethertoreservehisdefence?”
“Ireadthatjustnow,”Mr.Wopslepleaded.
“Nevermindwhatyoureadjustnow,sir;Idon’taskyouwhatyoureadjustnow.
YoumayreadtheLord’sPrayerbackwards,ifyoulike—and,perhaps,havedoneitbeforeto-day.Turntothepaper.
No,no,nomyfriend;nottothetopofthecolumn;youknowbetterthanthat;tothebottom,tothebottom.”
(WeallbegantothinkMr.Wopslefullofsubterfuge.)“Well?Haveyoufoundit?”
“Hereitis,”saidMr.Wopsle.
“Now,followthatpassagewithyoureye,andtellmewhetheritdistinctlystatesthattheprisonerexpresslysaidthathewasinstructedbyhislegaladviserswhollytoreservehisdefence?Come!Doyoumakethatofit?”
Mr.Wopsleanswered,“Thosearenottheexactwords.”
“Nottheexactwords!”repeatedthegentleman,bitterly.“Isthattheexactsubstance?”
“Yes,”saidMr.Wopsle.
“Yes,”repeatedthestranger,lookingroundattherestofthecompanywithhisrighthandextendedtowardsthewitness,Wopsle.
“AndnowIaskyouwhatyousaytotheconscienceofthatmanwho,withthatpassagebeforehiseyes,canlayhisheaduponhispillowafterhavingpronouncedafellow-creatureguilty,unheard?”
WeallbegantosuspectthatMr.Wopslewasnotthemanwehadthoughthim,andthathewasbeginningtobefoundout.
“Andthatsameman,remember,”pursuedthegentleman,throwinghisfingeratMr.Wopsleheavily;“thatsamemanmightbesummonedasajurymanuponthisverytrial,and,havingthusdeeplycommittedhimself,mightreturntothebosomofhisfamilyandlayhisheaduponhispillow,afterdeliberatelyswearingthathewouldwellandtrulytrytheissuejoinedbetweenOurSovereignLordtheKingandtheprisoneratthebar,andwouldatrueverdictgiveaccordingtotheevidence,sohelphimGod!”
WewerealldeeplypersuadedthattheunfortunateWopslehadgonetoofar,andhadbetterstopinhisrecklesscareerwhiletherewasyettime.
Thestrangegentleman,withanairofauthoritynottobedisputed,andwithamannerexpressiveofknowingsomethingsecretabouteveryoneofusthatwouldeffectuallydoforeachindividualifhechosetodiscloseit,leftthebackofthesettle,andcameintothespacebetweenthetwosettles,infrontofthefire,whereheremainedstanding:hislefthandinhispocket,andhebitingtheforefingerofhisright.
“FrominformationIhavereceived,”saidhe,lookingroundatusasweallquailedbeforehim,“Ihavereasontobelievethereisablacksmithamongyou,bynameJoseph—orJoe—Gargery.Whichistheman?”
“Hereistheman,”saidJoe.
Thestrangegentlemanbeckonedhimoutofhisplace,andJoewent.
“Youhaveanapprentice,”pursuedthestranger,“commonlyknownasPip?Ishehere?”
“Iamhere!”Icried.
Thestrangerdidnotrecognizeme,butIrecognizedhimasthegentlemanIhadmetonthestairs,ontheoccasionofmysecondvisittoMissHavisham.
IhadknownhimthemomentIsawhimlookingoverthesettle,andnowthatIstoodconfrontinghimwithhishanduponmyshoulder,Icheckedoffagainindetail,hislargehead,hisdarkcomplexion,hisdeep-seteyes,hisbushyblackeyebrows,hislargewatch-chain,hisstrongblackdotsofbeardandwhisker,andeventhesmellofscentedsoaponhisgreathand.
“Iwishtohaveaprivateconferencewithyoutwo,”saidhe,whenhehadsurveyedmeathisleisure.“Itwilltakealittletime.
Perhapswehadbettergotoyourplaceofresidence.
Iprefernottoanticipatemycommunicationhere;youwillimpartasmuchoraslittleofitasyoupleasetoyourfriendsafterwards;Ihavenothingtodowiththat.”
Amidstawonderingsilence,wethreewalkedoutoftheJollyBargemen,andinawonderingsilencewalkedhome.
Whilegoingalong,thestrangegentlemanoccasionallylookedatme,andoccasionallybitthesideofhisfinger.
Aswenearedhome,Joevaguelyacknowledgingtheoccasionasanimpressiveandceremoniousone,wentonaheadtoopenthefrontdoor.
Ourconferencewasheldinthestateparlour,whichwasfeeblylightedbyonecandle.
Itbeganwiththestrangegentleman’ssittingdownatthetable,drawingthecandletohim,andlookingoversomeentriesinhispocket-book.
Hethenputupthepocket-bookandsetthecandlealittleaside:afterpeeringrounditintothedarknessatJoeandme,toascertainwhichwaswhich.
“Myname,”hesaid,“isJaggers,andIamalawyerinLondon.Iamprettywellknown.
Ihaveunusualbusinesstotransactwithyou,andIcommencebyexplainingthatitisnotofmyoriginating.
Ifmyadvicehadbeenasked,Ishouldnothavebeenhere.Itwasnotasked,andyouseemehere.
WhatIhavetodoastheconfidentialagentofanother,Ido.Noless,nomore.”
Findingthathecouldnotseeusverywellfromwherehesat,hegotup,andthrewonelegoverthebackofachairandleaneduponit;thushavingonefootontheseatofthechair,andonefootontheground.
“Now,JosephGargery,Iamthebearerofanoffertorelieveyouofthisyoungfellowyourapprentice.
Youwouldnotobjecttocancelhisindentures,athisrequestandforhisgood?Youwouldwantnothingforsodoing?”
“LordforbidthatIshouldwantanythingfornotstandinginPip’sway,”saidJoe,staring.
“Lordforbiddingispious,butnottothepurpose,”returnedMrJaggers.“Thequestionis,Wouldyouwantanything?Doyouwantanything?”
“Theansweris,”returnedJoe,sternly,“No.”
IthoughtMr.JaggersglancedatJoe,asifheconsideredhimafoolforhisdisinterestedness.ButIwastoomuchbewilderedbetweenbreathlesscuriosityandsurprise,tobesureofit.
“Verywell,”saidMr.Jaggers.“Recollecttheadmissionyouhavemade,anddon’ttrytogofromitpresently.”
“Who’sa-goingtotry?”retortedJoe.
“Idon’tsayanybodyis.Doyoukeepadog?”
“Yes,Idokeepadog.”
“Bearinmindthen,thatBragisagooddog,butHoldfastisabetter.Bearthatinmind,willyou?”
repeatedMr.Jaggers,shuttinghiseyesandnoddinghisheadatJoe,asifhewereforgivinghimsomething.“Now,Ireturntothisyoungfellow.
AndthecommunicationIhavegottomakeis,thathehasgreatexpectations.”
JoeandIgasped,andlookedatoneanother.
“Iaminstructedtocommunicatetohim,”saidMr.Jaggers,throwinghisfingeratmesideways,“thathewillcomeintoahandsomeproperty.
Further,thatitisthedesireofthepresentpossessorofthatproperty,thathebeimmediatelyremovedfromhispresentsphereoflifeandfromthisplace,andbebroughtupasagentleman—inaword,asayoungfellowofgreatexpectations.”
Mydreamwasout;mywildfancywassurpassedbysoberreality;MissHavishamwasgoingtomakemyfortuneonagrandscale.
“Now,Mr.Pip,”pursuedthelawyer,“IaddresstherestofwhatIhavetosay,toyou.
Youaretounderstand,first,thatitistherequestofthepersonfromwhomItakemyinstructions,thatyoualwaysbearthenameofPip.
Youwillhavenoobjection,Idaresay,toyourgreatexpectationsbeingencumberedwiththateasycondition.
Butifyouhaveanyobjection,thisisthetimetomentionit.”
Myheartwasbeatingsofast,andtherewassuchasinginginmyears,thatIcouldscarcelystammerIhadnoobjection.
“Ishouldthinknot!Nowyouaretounderstand,secondly,Mr.Pip,thatthenameofthepersonwhoisyourliberalbenefactorremainsaprofoundsecret,untilthepersonchoosestorevealit.
Iamempoweredtomentionthatitistheintentionofthepersontorevealitatfirsthandbywordofmouthtoyourself.
Whenorwherethatintentionmaybecarriedout,Icannotsay;noonecansay.Itmaybeyearshence.
Now,youaredistinctlytounderstandthatyouaremostpositivelyprohibitedfrommakinganyinquiryonthishead,oranyallusionorreference,howeverdistant,toanyindividualwhomsoeverastheindividual,inallthecommunicationsyoumayhavewithme.
Ifyouhaveasuspicioninyourownbreast,keepthatsuspicioninyourownbreast.
Itisnottheleasttothepurposewhatthereasonsofthisprohibitionare;theymaybethestrongestandgravestreasons,ortheymaybemerewhim.Thisisnotforyoutoinquireinto.Theconditionislaiddown.
Youracceptanceofit,andyourobservanceofitasbinding,istheonlyremainingconditionthatIamchargedwith,bythepersonfromwhomItakemyinstructions,andforwhomIamnototherwiseresponsible.
Thatpersonisthepersonfromwhomyouderiveyourexpectations,andthesecretissolelyheldbythatpersonandbyme.
Again,notaverydifficultconditionwithwhichtoencumbersuchariseinfortune;butifyouhaveanyobjectiontoit,thisisthetimetomentionit.Speakout.”
Oncemore,IstammeredwithdifficultythatIhadnoobjection.
“Ishouldthinknot!Now,Mr.Pip,Ihavedonewithstipulations.”
ThoughhecalledmeMr.Pip,andbeganrathertomakeuptome,hestillcouldnotgetridofacertainairofbullyingsuspicion;andevennowheoccasionallyshuthiseyesandthrewhisfingeratmewhilehespoke,asmuchastoexpressthatheknewallkindsofthingstomydisparagement,ifheonlychosetomentionthem.
“Wecomenext,tomeredetailsofarrangement.
Youmustknowthat,althoughIhaveusedtheterm“expectations”morethanonce,youarenotendowedwithexpectationsonly.
Thereisalreadylodgedinmyhands,asumofmoneyamplysufficientforyoursuitableeducationandmaintenance.
Youwillpleaseconsidermeyourguardian.Oh!”
forIwasgoingtothankhim,“Itellyouatonce,Iampaidformyservices,orIshouldn’trenderthem.
Itisconsideredthatyoumustbebettereducated,inaccordancewithyouralteredposition,andthatyouwillbealivetotheimportanceandnecessityofatonceenteringonthatadvantage.”
IsaidIhadalwayslongedforit.
“Nevermindwhatyouhavealwayslongedfor,Mr.Pip,”heretorted;“keeptotherecord.Ifyoulongforitnow,that’senough.
AmIansweredthatyouarereadytobeplacedatonce,undersomepropertutor?Isthatit?”
Istammeredyes,thatwasit.
“Good.Now,yourinclinationsaretobeconsulted.Idon’tthinkthatwise,mind,butit’smytrust.Haveyoueverheardofanytutorwhomyouwouldprefertoanother?”
IhadneverheardofanytutorbutBiddyandMr.Wopsle’sgreataunt;so,Irepliedinthenegative.
“Thereisacertaintutor,ofwhomIhavesomeknowledge,whoIthinkmightsuitthepurpose,”saidMr.Jaggers.
“Idon’trecommendhim,observe;becauseIneverrecommendanybody.
ThegentlemanIspeakof,isoneMr.MatthewPocket.”
Ah!Icaughtatthenamedirectly.MissHavisham’srelation.
TheMatthewwhomMr.andMrs.Camillahadspokenof.
TheMatthewwhoseplacewastobeatMissHavisham’shead,whenshelaydead,inherbride’sdressonthebride’stable.
“Youknowthename?”saidMr.Jaggers,lookingshrewdlyatme,andthenshuttinguphiseyeswhilehewaitedformyanswer.
Myanswerwas,thatIhadheardofthename.
“Oh!”saidhe.“Youhaveheardofthename.Butthequestionis,whatdoyousayofit?”
Isaid,ortriedtosay,thatIwasmuchobligedtohimforhisrecommendation—
“No,myyoungfriend!”heinterrupted,shakinghisgreatheadveryslowly.“Recollectyourself!”
Notrecollectingmyself,IbeganagainthatIwasmuchobligedtohimforhisrecommendation—
“No,myyoungfriend,”heinterrupted,shakinghisheadandfrowningandsmilingbothatonce;“no,no,no;it’sverywelldone,butitwon’tdo;youaretooyoungtofixmewithit.
Recommendationisnottheword,Mr.Pip.Tryanother.”
Correctingmyself,IsaidthatIwasmuchobligedtohimforhismentionofMr.MatthewPocket—
“That’smorelikeit!”criedMr.Jaggers.
-And(Iadded),Iwouldgladlytrythatgentleman.
“Good.Youhadbettertryhiminhisownhouse.Thewayshallbepreparedforyou,andyoucanseehissonfirst,whoisinLondon.WhenwillyoucometoLondon?”
Isaid(glancingatJoe,whostoodlookingon,motionless),thatIsupposedIcouldcomedirectly.
“First,”saidMr.Jaggers,“youshouldhavesomenewclothestocomein,andtheyshouldnotbeworkingclothes.Saythisdayweek.You’llwantsomemoney.ShallIleaveyoutwentyguineas?”
Heproducedalongpurse,withthegreatestcoolness,andcountedthemoutonthetableandpushedthemovertome.
Thiswasthefirsttimehehadtakenhislegfromthechair.
Hesatastrideofthechairwhenhehadpushedthemoneyover,andsatswinginghispurseandeyeingJoe.
“Well,JosephGargery?Youlookdumbfoundered?”
“Iam!”saidJoe,inaverydecidedmanner.
“Itwasunderstoodthatyouwantednothingforyourself,remember?”
“Itwereunderstood,”saidJoe.“Anditareunderstood.Anditeverwillbesimilaraccording.”
“Butwhat,”saidMr.Jaggers,swinginghispurse,“whatifitwasinmyinstructionstomakeyouapresent,ascompensation?”
“Ascompensationwhatfor?”Joedemanded.
“Forthelossofhisservices.”
Joelaidhishanduponmyshoulderwiththetouchofawoman.
Ihaveoftenthoughthimsince,likethesteam-hammer,thatcancrushamanorpatanegg-shell,inhiscombinationofstrengthwithgentleness.
“Pipisthatheartywelcome,”saidJoe,“togofreewithhisservices,tohonourandfortun’,asnowordscantellhim.
ButifyouthinkasMoneycanmakecompensationtomeforthelossofthelittlechild—whatcometotheforge—andeverthebestoffriends!—”
OdeargoodJoe,whomIwassoreadytoleaveandsounthankfulto,Iseeyouagain,withyourmuscularblacksmith’sarmbeforeyoureyes,andyourbroadchestheaving,andyourvoicedyingaway.
OdeargoodfaithfultenderJoe,Ifeelthelovingtrembleofyourhanduponmyarm,assolemnlythisdayasifithadbeentherustleofanangel’swing!
ButIencouragedJoeatthetime.Iwaslostinthemazesofmyfuturefortunes,andcouldnotretracetheby-pathswehadtroddentogether.
IbeggedJoetobecomforted,for(ashesaid)wehadeverbeenthebestoffriends,and(asIsaid)weeverwouldbeso.
Joescoopedhiseyeswithhisdisengagedwrist,asifhewerebentongouginghimself,butsaidnotanotherword.
Mr.Jaggershadlookedonatthis,asonewhorecognizedinJoethevillageidiot,andinmehiskeeper.Whenitwasover,hesaid,weighinginhishandthepursehehadceasedtoswing:
“Now,JosephGargery,Iwarnyouthisisyourlastchance.Nohalfmeasureswithme.
IfyoumeantotakeapresentthatIhaveitinchargetomakeyou,speakout,andyoushallhaveit.
Ifonthecontraryyoumeantosay—”Here,tohisgreatamazement,hewasstoppedbyJoe’ssuddenlyworkingroundhimwitheverydemonstrationofafellpugilisticpurpose.
“WhichImeantersay,”criedJoe,“thatifyoucomeintomyplacebull-baitingandbadgeringme,comeout!
WhichImeantersayassechifyou’reaman,comeon!
WhichImeantersaythatwhatIsay,Imeantersayandstandorfallby!”
IdrewJoeaway,andheimmediatelybecameplacable;merelystatingtome,inanobligingmannerandasapoliteexpostulatorynoticetoanyonewhomitmighthappentoconcern,thathewerenotagoingtobebull-baitedandbadgeredinhisownplace.
Mr.JaggershadrisenwhenJoedemonstrated,andhadbackednearthedoor.
Withoutevincinganyinclinationtocomeinagain,hetheredeliveredhisvaledictoryremarks.Theywerethese:
“Well,Mr.Pip,Ithinkthesooneryouleavehere—asyouaretobeagentleman—thebetter.
Letitstandforthisdayweek,andyoushallreceivemyprintedaddressinthemeantime.
Youcantakeahackney-coachatthestage-coachofficeinLondon,andcomestraighttome.
Understand,thatIexpressnoopinion,onewayorother,onthetrustIundertake.
Iampaidforundertakingit,andIdoso.Now,understandthat,finally.Understandthat!”
Hewasthrowinghisfingeratbothofus,andIthinkwouldhavegoneon,butforhisseemingtothinkJoedangerous,andgoingoff.
Somethingcameintomyheadwhichinducedmetorunafterhim,ashewasgoingdowntotheJollyBargemenwherehehadleftahiredcarriage.
“Ibegyourpardon,Mr.Jaggers.”
“Halloa!”saidhe,facinground,“what’sthematter?”
“Iwishtobequiteright,Mr.Jaggers,andtokeeptoyourdirections;soIthoughtIhadbetterask.WouldtherebeanyobjectiontomytakingleaveofanyoneIknow,abouthere,beforeIgoaway?”
“No,”saidhe,lookingasifhehardlyunderstoodme.
“Idon’tmeaninthevillageonly,butup-town?”
“No,”saidhe.“Noobjection.”
Ithankedhimandranhomeagain,andthereIfoundthatJoehadalreadylockedthefrontdoorandvacatedthestateparlour,andwasseatedbythekitchenfirewithahandoneachknee,gazingintentlyattheburningcoals.
Itoosatdownbeforethefireandgazedatthecoals,andnothingwassaidforalongtime.
Mysisterwasinhercushionedchairinhercorner,andBiddysatatherneedleworkbeforethefire,andJoesatnextBiddy,andIsatnextJoeinthecorneroppositemysister.
ThemoreIlookedintotheglowingcoals,themoreincapableIbecameoflookingatJoe;thelongerthesilencelasted,themoreunableIfelttospeak.
AtlengthIgotout,“Joe,haveyoutoldBiddy?”
“No,Pip,”returnedJoe,stilllookingatthefire,andholdinghiskneestight,asifhehadprivateinformationthattheyintendedtomakeoffsomewhere,“whichIleftittoyourself,Pip.”
“Iwouldratheryoutold,Joe.”
“Pip’sagentlemanoffortun’then,”saidJoe,“andGodblesshiminit!”
Biddydroppedherwork,andlookedatme.Joeheldhiskneesandlookedatme.Ilookedatbothofthem.
Afterapause,theybothheartilycongratulatedme;buttherewasacertaintouchofsadnessintheircongratulations,thatIratherresented.
ItookituponmyselftoimpressBiddy(andthroughBiddy,Joe)withthegraveobligationIconsideredmyfriendsunder,toknownothingandsaynothingaboutthemakerofmyfortune.
Itwouldallcomeoutingoodtime,Iobserved,andinthemeanwhilenothingwastobesaid,savethatIhadcomeintogreatexpectationsfromamysteriouspatron.
Biddynoddedherheadthoughtfullyatthefireasshetookupherworkagain,andsaidshewouldbeveryparticular;andJoe,stilldetaininghisknees,said,“Ay,ay,I’llbeekervallypartickler,Pip;”andthentheycongratulatedmeagain,andwentontoexpresssomuchwonderatthenotionofmybeingagentleman,thatIdidn’thalflikeit.
InfinitepainswerethentakenbyBiddytoconveytomysistersomeideaofwhathadhappened.
Tothebestofmybelief,thoseeffortsentirelyfailed.
Shelaughedandnoddedherheadagreatmanytimes,andevenrepeatedafterBiddy,thewords“Pip”and“Property.”
ButIdoubtiftheyhadmoremeaninginthemthananelectioncry,andIcannotsuggestadarkerpictureofherstateofmind.
Inevercouldhavebelieveditwithoutexperience,butasJoeandBiddybecamemoreattheircheerfuleaseagain,Ibecamequitegloomy.
Dissatisfiedwithmyfortune,ofcourseIcouldnotbe;butitispossiblethatImayhavebeen,withoutquiteknowingit,dissatisfiedwithmyself.
Anyhow,Isatwithmyelbowonmykneeandmyfaceuponmyhand,lookingintothefire,asthosetwotalkedaboutmygoingaway,andaboutwhattheyshoulddowithoutme,andallthat.
AndwheneverIcaughtoneofthemlookingatme,thoughneversopleasantly(andtheyoftenlookedatme—particularlyBiddy),Ifeltoffended:asiftheywereexpressingsomemistrustofme.
ThoughHeavenknowstheyneverdidbywordorsign.
AtthosetimesIwouldgetupandlookoutatthedoor;for,ourkitchendooropenedatonceuponthenight,andstoodopenonsummereveningstoairtheroom.
TheverystarstowhichIthenraisedmyeyes,IamafraidItooktobebutpoorandhumblestarsforglitteringontherusticobjectsamongwhichIhadpassedmylife.
“Saturdaynight,”saidI,whenwesatatoursupperofbread-and-cheeseandbeer.“Fivemoredays,andthenthedaybeforetheday!They’llsoongo.”
“Yes,Pip,”observedJoe,whosevoicesoundedhollowinhisbeermug.“They’llsoongo.”
“Soon,soongo,”saidBiddy.
“Ihavebeenthinking,Joe,thatwhenIgodowntownonMonday,andordermynewclothes,IshalltellthetailorthatI’llcomeandputthemonthere,orthatI’llhavethemsenttoMr.Pumblechook’s.
Itwouldbeverydisagreeabletobestaredatbyallthepeoplehere.”
“Mr.andMrs.Hubblemightliketoseeyouinyournewgenteelfiguretoo,Pip,”saidJoe,industriouslycuttinghisbread,withhischeeseonit,inthepalmofhislefthand,andglancingatmyuntastedsupperasifhethoughtofthetimewhenweusedtocompareslices.“SomightWopsle.
AndtheJollyBargemenmighttakeitasacompliment.”
“That’sjustwhatIdon’twant,Joe.Theywouldmakesuchabusinessofit—suchacoarseandcommonbusiness—thatIcouldn’tbearmyself.”
“Ah,thatindeed,Pip!”saidJoe.“Ifyoucouldn’tabearyourself—”
Biddyaskedmehere,asshesatholdingmysister’splate,“Haveyouthoughtaboutwhenyou’llshowyourselftoMr.Gargery,andyoursister,andme?Youwillshowyourselftous;won’tyou?”
“Biddy,”Ireturnedwithsomeresentment,“youaresoexceedinglyquickthatit’sdifficulttokeepupwithyou.”
(“Shealwayswerequick,”observedJoe.)
“Ifyouhadwaitedanothermoment,Biddy,youwouldhaveheardmesaythatIshallbringmyclotheshereinabundleoneevening—mostlikelyontheeveningbeforeIgoaway.”
Biddysaidnomore.Handsomelyforgivingher,Isoonexchangedanaffectionategood-nightwithherandJoe,andwentuptobed.
WhenIgotintomylittleroom,Isatdownandtookalonglookatit,asameanlittleroomthatIshouldsoonbepartedfromandraisedabove,forever,Itwasfurnishedwithfreshyoungremembrancestoo,andevenatthesamemomentIfellintomuchthesameconfuseddivisionofmindbetweenitandthebetterroomstowhichIwasgoing,asIhadbeeninsooftenbetweentheforgeandMissHavisham’s,andBiddyandEstella.
Thesunhadbeenshiningbrightlyalldayontheroofofmyattic,andtheroomwaswarm.
AsIputthewindowopenandstoodlookingout,IsawJoecomeslowlyforthatthedarkdoorbelow,andtakeaturnortwointheair;andthenIsawBiddycome,andbringhimapipeandlightitforhim.
Heneversmokedsolate,anditseemedtohinttomethathewantedcomforting,forsomereasonorother.
Hepresentlystoodatthedoorimmediatelybeneathme,smokinghispipe,andBiddystoodtheretoo,quietlytalkingtohim,andIknewthattheytalkedofme,forIheardmynamementionedinanendearingtonebybothofthemmorethanonce.
Iwouldnothavelistenedformore,ifIcouldhaveheardmore:so,Idrewawayfromthewindow,andsatdowninmyonechairbythebedside,feelingitverysorrowfulandstrangethatthisfirstnightofmybrightfortunesshouldbetheloneliestIhadeverknown.
Lookingtowardstheopenwindow,IsawlightwreathsfromJoe’spipefloatingthere,andIfancieditwaslikeablessingfromJoe—notobtrudedonmeorparadedbeforeme,butpervadingtheairwesharedtogether.
Iputmylightout,andcreptintobed;anditwasanuneasybednow,andIneverslepttheoldsoundsleepinitanymore.
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