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Mymindgrewveryuneasyonthesubjectofthepaleyounggentleman.
ThemoreIthoughtofthefight,andrecalledthepaleyounggentlemanonhisbackinvariousstagesofpuffyandincrimsonedcountenance,themorecertainitappearedthatsomethingwouldbedonetome.
Ifeltthatthepaleyounggentleman’sbloodwasonmyhead,andthattheLawwouldavengeit.
WithouthavinganydefiniteideaofthepenaltiesIhadincurred,itwascleartomethatvillageboyscouldnotgostalkingaboutthecountry,ravagingthehousesofgentlefolksandpitchingintothestudiousyouthofEngland,withoutlayingthemselvesopentoseverepunishment.
Forsomedays,Ievenkeptcloseathome,andlookedoutatthekitchendoorwiththegreatestcautionandtrepidationbeforegoingonanerrand,lesttheofficersoftheCountyJailshouldpounceuponme.
Thepaleyounggentleman’snosehadstainedmytrousers,andItriedtowashoutthatevidenceofmyguiltinthedeadofnight.
Ihadcutmyknucklesagainstthepaleyounggentleman’steeth,andItwistedmyimaginationintoathousandtangles,asIdevisedincrediblewaysofaccountingforthatdamnatorycircumstancewhenIshouldbehaledbeforetheJudges.
Whenthedaycameroundformyreturntothesceneofthedeedofviolence,myterrorsreachedtheirheight.
WhethermyrmidonsofJustice,speciallysentdownfromLondon,wouldbelyinginambushbehindthegate?
WhetherMissHavisham,preferringtotakepersonalvengeanceforanoutragedonetoherhouse,mightriseinthosegrave-clothesofhers,drawapistol,andshootmedead?
Whethersubornedboys—anumerousbandofmercenaries—mightbeengagedtofalluponmeinthebrewery,andcuffmeuntilIwasnomore?
Itwashightestimonytomyconfidenceinthespiritofthepaleyounggentleman,thatIneverimaginedhimaccessorytotheseretaliations;theyalwayscameintomymindastheactsofinjudiciousrelativesofhis,goadedonbythestateofhisvisageandanindignantsympathywiththefamilyfeatures.
However,gotoMissHavisham’sImust,andgoIdid.Andbehold!nothingcameofthelatestruggle.
Itwasnotalludedtoinanyway,andnopaleyounggentlemanwastobediscoveredonthepremises.
Ifoundthesamegateopen,andIexploredthegarden,andevenlookedinatthewindowsofthedetachedhouse;but,myviewwassuddenlystoppedbytheclosedshutterswithin,andallwaslifeless.
Onlyinthecornerwherethecombathadtakenplace,couldIdetectanyevidenceoftheyounggentleman’sexistence.
Thereweretracesofhisgoreinthatspot,andIcoveredthemwithgarden-mouldfromtheeyeofman.
OnthebroadlandingbetweenMissHavisham’sownroomandthatotherroominwhichthelongtablewaslaidout,Isawagarden-chair—alightchaironwheels,thatyoupushedfrombehind.
Ithadbeenplacedtheresincemylastvisit,andIentered,thatsameday,onaregularoccupationofpushingMissHavishaminthischair(whenshewastiredofwalkingwithherhanduponmyshoulder)roundherownroom,andacrossthelanding,androundtheotherroom.
Overandoverandoveragain,wewouldmakethesejourneys,andsometimestheywouldlastaslongasthreehoursatastretch.
Iinsensiblyfallintoageneralmentionofthesejourneysasnumerous,becauseitwasatoncesettledthatIshouldreturneveryalternatedayatnoonforthesepurposes,andbecauseIamnowgoingtosumupaperiodofatleasteightortenmonths.
Aswebegantobemoreusedtooneanother,MissHavishamtalkedmoretome,andaskedmesuchquestionsaswhathadIlearntandwhatwasIgoingtobe?
ItoldherIwasgoingtobeapprenticedtoJoe,Ibelieved;andIenlargeduponmyknowingnothingandwantingtoknoweverything,inthehopethatshemightoffersomehelptowardsthatdesirableend.
But,shedidnot;onthecontrary,sheseemedtoprefermybeingignorant.
Neitherdidsheevergivemeanymoney—oranythingbutmydailydinner—noreverstipulatethatIshouldbepaidformyservices.
Estellawasalwaysabout,andalwaysletmeinandout,butnevertoldmeImightkissheragain.
Sometimes,shewouldcoldlytolerateme;sometimes,shewouldcondescendtome;sometimes,shewouldbequitefamiliarwithme;sometimes,shewouldtellmeenergeticallythatshehatedme.
MissHavishamwouldoftenaskmeinawhisper,orwhenwewerealone,“Doesshegrowprettierandprettier,Pip?”
AndwhenIsaidyes(forindeedshedid),wouldseemtoenjoyitgreedily.
Also,whenweplayedatcardsMissHavishamwouldlookon,withamiserlyrelishofEstella’smoods,whatevertheywere.
Andsometimes,whenhermoodsweresomanyandsocontradictoryofoneanotherthatIwaspuzzledwhattosayordo,MissHavishamwouldembraceherwithlavishfondness,murmuringsomethinginherearthatsoundedlike“Breaktheirheartsmyprideandhope,breaktheirheartsandhavenomercy!”
TherewasasongJoeusedtohumfragmentsofattheforge,ofwhichtheburdenwasOldClem.
Thiswasnotaveryceremoniouswayofrenderinghomagetoapatronsaint;but,IbelieveOldClemstoodinthatrelationtowardssmiths.
Itwasasongthatimitatedthemeasureofbeatinguponiron,andwasamerelyricalexcusefortheintroductionofOldClem’srespectedname.
Thus,youweretohammerboysround—OldClem!Withathumpandasound—OldClem!Beatitout,beatitout—OldClem!Withaclinkforthestout—OldClem!Blowthefire,blowthefire—OldClem!Roaringdryer,soaringhigher—OldClem!
Onedaysoonaftertheappearanceofthechair,MissHavishamsuddenlysayingtome,withtheimpatientmovementofherfingers,“There,there,there!Sing!”
IwassurprisedintocrooningthisdittyasIpushedheroverthefloor.
Ithappenedsotocatchherfancy,thatshetookitupinalowbroodingvoiceasifsheweresinginginhersleep.
Afterthat,itbecamecustomarywithustohaveitaswemovedabout,andEstellawouldoftenjoinin;thoughthewholestrainwassosubdued,evenwhentherewerethreeofus,thatitmadelessnoiseinthegrimoldhousethanthelightestbreathofwind.
WhatcouldIbecomewiththesesurroundings?
Howcouldmycharacterfailtobeinfluencedbythem?
Isittobewonderedatifmythoughtsweredazed,asmyeyeswere,whenIcameoutintothenaturallightfromthemistyyellowrooms?
Perhaps,ImighthavetoldJoeaboutthepaleyounggentleman,ifIhadnotpreviouslybeenbetrayedintothoseenormousinventionstowhichIhadconfessed.
Underthecircumstances,IfeltthatJoecouldhardlyfailtodiscerninthepaleyounggentleman,anappropriatepassengertobeputintotheblackvelvetcoach;therefore,Isaidnothingofhim.
Besides:thatshrinkingfromhavingMissHavishamandEstelladiscussed,whichhadcomeuponmeinthebeginning,grewmuchmorepotentastimewenton.
IreposedcompleteconfidenceinnoonebutBiddy;but,ItoldpoorBiddyeverything.
Whyitcamenaturaltometodoso,andwhyBiddyhadadeepconcernineverythingItoldher,Ididnotknowthen,thoughIthinkIknownow.
Meanwhile,councilswentoninthekitchenathome,fraughtwithalmostinsupportableaggravationtomyexasperatedspirit.
Thatass,Pumblechook,usedoftentocomeoverofanightforthepurposeofdiscussingmyprospectswithmysister;andIreallydobelieve(tothishourwithlesspenitencethanIoughttofeel),thatifthesehandscouldhavetakenalinchpinoutofhischaise-cart,theywouldhavedoneit.
Themiserablemanwasamanofthatconfinedstolidityofmind,thathecouldnotdiscussmyprospectswithouthavingmebeforehim—asitwere,tooperateupon—andhewoulddragmeupfrommystool(usuallybythecollar)whereIwasquietinacorner,and,puttingmebeforethefireasifIweregoingtobecooked,wouldbeginbysaying,“Now,Mum,hereisthisboy!
Hereisthisboywhichyoubroughtupbyhand.
Holdupyourhead,boy,andbeforevergratefuluntothemwhichsodiddo.
Now,Mum,withrespectionstothisboy!”
Andthenhewouldrumplemyhairthewrongway—whichfrommyearliestremembrance,asalreadyhinted,Ihaveinmysouldeniedtherightofanyfellow-creaturetodo—andwouldholdmebeforehimbythesleeve:aspectacleofimbecilityonlytobeequalledbyhimself.
Then,heandmysisterwouldpairoffinsuchnonsensicalspeculationsaboutMissHavisham,andaboutwhatshewoulddowithmeandforme,thatIusedtowant—quitepainfully—toburstintospitefultears,flyatPumblechook,andpummelhimallover.
Inthesedialogues,mysisterspoketomeasifsheweremorallywrenchingoneofmyteethoutateveryreference;whilePumblechookhimself,self-constitutedmypatron,wouldsitsupervisingmewithadepreciatoryeye,likethearchitectofmyfortuneswhothoughthimselfengagedonaveryunremunerativejob.
Inthesediscussions,Joeborenopart.Buthewasoftentalkedat,whiletheywereinprogress,byreasonofMrs.Joe’sperceivingthathewasnotfavourabletomybeingtakenfromtheforge.
Iwasfullyoldenoughnow,tobeapprenticedtoJoe;andwhenJoesatwiththepokeronhiskneesthoughtfullyrakingouttheashesbetweenthelowerbars,mysisterwouldsodistinctlyconstruethatinnocentactionintooppositiononhispart,thatshewoulddiveathim,takethepokeroutofhishands,shakehim,andputitaway.
Therewasamostirritatingendtoeveryoneofthesedebates.
Allinamoment,withnothingtoleaduptoit,mysisterwouldstopherselfinayawn,andcatchingsightofmeasitwereincidentally,wouldswoopuponmewith,“Come!there’senoughofyou!
Yougetalongtobed;you’vegiventroubleenoughforonenight,Ihope!”
AsifIhadbesoughtthemasafavourtobothermylifeout.
Wewentoninthiswayforalongtime,anditseemedlikelythatweshouldcontinuetogooninthiswayforalongtime,when,oneday,MissHavishamstoppedshortassheandIwerewalking,sheleaningonmyshoulder;andsaidwithsomedispleasure:
“Youaregrowingtall,Pip!”
Ithoughtitbesttohint,throughthemediumofameditativelook,thatthismightbeoccasionedbycircumstancesoverwhichIhadnocontrol.
Shesaidnomoreatthetime;but,shepresentlystoppedandlookedatmeagain;andpresentlyagain;andafterthat,lookedfrowningandmoody.
Onthenextdayofmyattendancewhenourusualexercisewasover,andIhadlandedheratherdressingtable,shestayedmewithamovementofherimpatientfingers:
“Tellmethenameagainofthatblacksmithofyours.”
“JoeGargery,ma’am.”
“Meaningthemasteryouweretobeapprenticedto?”
“Yes,MissHavisham.”
“Youhadbetterbeapprenticedatonce.WouldGargerycomeherewithyou,andbringyourindentures,doyouthink?”
IsignifiedthatIhadnodoubthewouldtakeitasanhonourtobeasked.
“Thenlethimcome.”
“Atanyparticulartime,MissHavisham?”
“There,there!Iknownothingabouttimes.Lethimcomesoon,andcomealongwithyou.”
WhenIgothomeatnight,anddeliveredthismessageforJoe,mysister“wentontheRampage,”inamorealarmingdegreethanatanypreviousperiod.
SheaskedmeandJoewhetherwesupposedshewasdoor-matsunderourfeet,andhowwedaredtouseherso,andwhatcompanywegraciouslythoughtshewasfitfor?
Whenshehadexhaustedatorrentofsuchinquiries,shethrewacandlestickatJoe,burstintoaloudsobbing,gotoutthedustpan—whichwasalwaysaverybadsign—putonhercoarseapron,andbegancleaninguptoaterribleextent.
Notsatisfiedwithadrycleaning,shetooktoapailandscrubbing-brush,andcleanedusoutofhouseandhome,sothatwestoodshiveringintheback-yard.
Itwasteno’clockatnightbeforeweventuredtocreepinagain,andthensheaskedJoewhyhehadn’tmarriedaNegressSlaveatonce?
Joeofferednoanswer,poorfellow,butstoodfeelinghiswhiskerandlookingdejectedlyatme,asifhethoughtitreallymighthavebeenabetterspeculation.
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