English
“Ahthesecigarettes!”PorfiryPetrovitchejaculatedatlast,havinglightedone.
“Theyarepernicious,positivelypernicious,andyetIcan’tgivethemup!
Icough,Ibegintohaveticklinginmythroatandadifficultyinbreathing.
YouknowIamacoward,IwentlatelytoDr.B——n;healwaysgivesatleasthalfanhourtoeachpatient.
Hepositivelylaughedlookingatme;hesoundedme:‘Tobacco’sbadforyou,’hesaid,‘yourlungsareaffected.’ButhowamItogiveitup?Whatistheretotakeitsplace?
Idon’tdrink,that’sthemischief,he-he-he,thatIdon’t.
Everythingisrelative,RodionRomanovitch,everythingisrelative!”
“Why,he’splayinghisprofessionaltricksagain,”Raskolnikovthoughtwithdisgust.
Allthecircumstancesoftheirlastinterviewsuddenlycamebacktohim,andhefeltarushofthefeelingthathadcomeuponhimthen.
“Icametoseeyouthedaybeforeyesterday,intheevening;youdidn’tknow?”
PorfiryPetrovitchwenton,lookingroundtheroom.“Icameintothisveryroom.
Iwaspassingby,justasIdidto-day,andIthoughtI’dreturnyourcall.
Iwalkedinasyourdoorwaswideopen,Ilookedround,waitedandwentoutwithoutleavingmynamewithyourservant.Don’tyoulockyourdoor?”
Raskolnikov’sfacegrewmoreandmoregloomy.Porfiryseemedtoguesshisstateofmind.
“I’vecometohaveitoutwithyou,RodionRomanovitch,mydearfellow!Ioweyouanexplanationandmustgiveittoyou,”hecontinuedwithaslightsmile,justpattingRaskolnikov’sknee.
Butalmostatthesameinstantaseriousandcarewornlookcameintohisface;tohissurpriseRaskolnikovsawatouchofsadnessinit.
Hehadneverseenandneversuspectedsuchanexpressioninhisface.
“Astrangescenepassedbetweenuslasttimewemet,RodionRomanovitch.
Ourfirstinterview,too,wasastrangeone;butthen…andonethingafteranother!
Thisisthepoint:Ihaveperhapsactedunfairlytoyou;Ifeelit.Doyourememberhowweparted?
Yournerveswereunhingedandyourkneeswereshakingandsoweremine.
And,youknow,ourbehaviourwasunseemly,evenungentlemanly.
Andyetwearegentlemen,aboveall,inanycase,gentlemen;thatmustbeunderstood.Doyourememberwhatwecameto?...anditwasquiteindecorous.”
“Whatisheupto,whatdoeshetakemefor?”Raskolnikovaskedhimselfinamazement,raisinghisheadandlookingwithopeneyesonPorfiry.
“I’vedecidedopennessisbetterbetweenus,”PorfiryPetrovitchwenton,turninghisheadawayanddroppinghiseyes,asthoughunwillingtodisconcerthisformervictimandasthoughdisdaininghisformerwiles.
“Yes,suchsuspicionsandsuchscenescannotcontinueforlong.
Nikolayputastoptoit,orIdon’tknowwhatwemightnothavecometo.
Thatdamnedworkmanwassittingatthetimeinthenextroom—canyourealisethat?
Youknowthat,ofcourse;andIamawarethathecametoyouafterwards.
Butwhatyousupposedthenwasnottrue:Ihadnotsentforanyone,Ihadmadenokindofarrangements.YouaskwhyIhadn’t?WhatshallIsaytoyou?ithadallcomeuponmesosuddenly.
Ihadscarcelysentfortheporters(younoticedthemasyouwentout,Idaresay).
Anideaflasheduponme;Iwasfirmlyconvincedatthetime,yousee,RodionRomanovitch.
Come,Ithought—evenifIletonethingslipforatime,Ishallgetholdofsomethingelse—Ishan’tlosewhatIwant,anyway.
Youarenervouslyirritable,RodionRomanovitch,bytemperament;it’soutofproportionwithotherqualitiesofyourheartandcharacter,whichIflattermyselfIhavetosomeextentdivined.
OfcourseIdidreflecteventhenthatitdoesnotalwayshappenthatamangetsupandblurtsouthiswholestory.
Itdoeshappensometimes,ifyoumakeamanloseallpatience,thougheventhenit’srare.Iwascapableofrealisingthat.
IfIonlyhadafact,Ithought,theleastlittlefacttogoupon,somethingIcouldlayholdof,somethingtangible,notmerelypsychological.
Forifamanisguilty,youmustbeabletogetsomethingsubstantialoutofhim;onemayreckonuponmostsurprisingresultsindeed.
Iwasreckoningonyourtemperament,RodionRomanovitch,onyourtemperamentaboveallthings!Ihadgreathopesofyouatthattime.”
“Butwhatareyoudrivingatnow?”Raskolnikovmutteredatlast,askingthequestionwithoutthinking.
“Whatishetalkingabout?”hewondereddistractedly,“doeshereallytakemetobeinnocent?”
“WhatamIdrivingat?I’vecometoexplainmyself,Iconsideritmyduty,sotospeak.
Iwanttomakecleartoyouhowthewholebusiness,thewholemisunderstandingarose.
I’vecausedyouagreatdealofsuffering,RodionRomanovitch.Iamnotamonster.
Iunderstandwhatitmustmeanforamanwhohasbeenunfortunate,butwhoisproud,imperiousandaboveall,impatient,tohavetobearsuchtreatment!
Iregardyouinanycaseasamanofnoblecharacterandnotwithoutelementsofmagnanimity,thoughIdon’tagreewithallyourconvictions.
Iwantedtotellyouthisfirst,franklyandquitesincerely,foraboveallIdon’twanttodeceiveyou.
WhenImadeyouracquaintance,Ifeltattractedbyyou.Perhapsyouwilllaughatmysayingso.Youhavearightto.
Iknowyoudislikedmefromthefirstandindeedyou’venoreasontolikeme.
Youmaythinkwhatyoulike,butIdesirenowtodoallIcantoeffacethatimpressionandtoshowthatIamamanofheartandconscience.Ispeaksincerely.”
PorfiryPetrovitchmadeadignifiedpause.Raskolnikovfeltarushofrenewedalarm.ThethoughtthatPorfirybelievedhimtobeinnocentbegantomakehimuneasy.
“It’sscarcelynecessarytogoovereverythingindetail,”PorfiryPetrovitchwenton.“Indeed,Icouldscarcelyattemptit.Tobeginwiththerewererumours.
Throughwhom,how,andwhenthoserumourscametome…andhowtheyaffectedyou,Ineednotgointo.
Mysuspicionswerearousedbyacompleteaccident,whichmightjustaseasilynothavehappened.Whatwasit?Hm!
Ibelievethereisnoneedtogointothateither.
Thoserumoursandthataccidentledtooneideainmymind.
Iadmititopenly—foronemayaswellmakeacleanbreastofit—Iwasthefirsttopitchonyou.
Theoldwoman’snotesonthepledgesandtherestofit—thatallcametonothing.Yourswasoneofahundred.
Ihappened,too,tohearofthesceneattheoffice,fromamanwhodescribeditcapitally,unconsciouslyreproducingthescenewithgreatvividness.
Itwasjustonethingafteranother,RodionRomanovitch,mydearfellow!
HowcouldIavoidbeingbroughttocertainideas?
Fromahundredrabbitsyoucan’tmakeahorse,ahundredsuspicionsdon’tmakeaproof,astheEnglishproverbsays,butthat’sonlyfromtherationalpointofview—youcan’thelpbeingpartial,forafterallalawyerisonlyhuman.
Ithought,too,ofyourarticleinthatjournal,doyouremember,onyourfirstvisitwetalkedofit?
Ijeeredatyouatthetime,butthatwasonlytoleadyouon.
Irepeat,RodionRomanovitch,youareillandimpatient.
Thatyouwerebold,headstrong,inearnestand…hadfeltagreatdealIrecognisedlongbefore.
I,too,havefeltthesame,sothatyourarticleseemedfamiliartome.
Itwasconceivedonsleeplessnights,withathrobbingheart,inecstasyandsuppressedenthusiasm.
Andthatproudsuppressedenthusiasminyoungpeopleisdangerous!
Ijeeredatyouthen,butletmetellyouthat,asaliteraryamateur,Iamawfullyfondofsuchfirstessays,fulloftheheatofyouth.
Thereisamistinessandachordvibratinginthemist.
Yourarticleisabsurdandfantastic,butthere’satransparentsincerity,ayouthfulincorruptibleprideandthedaringofdespairinit.
It’sagloomyarticle,butthat’swhat’sfineinit.
Ireadyourarticleandputitaside,thinkingasIdidso‘thatmanwon’tgothecommonway.’
Well,Iaskyou,afterthatasapreliminary,howcouldIhelpbeingcarriedawaybywhatfollowed?
Oh,dear,Iamnotsayinganything,Iamnotmakinganystatementnow.Isimplynoteditatthetime.Whatisthereinit?Ireflected.
There’snothinginit,thatisreallynothingandperhapsabsolutelynothing.
Andit’snotatallthethingfortheprosecutortolethimselfbecarriedawaybynotions:hereIhaveNikolayonmyhandswithactualevidenceagainsthim—youmaythinkwhatyoulikeofit,butit’sevidence.
Hebringsinhispsychology,too;onehastoconsiderhim,too,forit’samatteroflifeanddeath.WhyamIexplainingthistoyou?
Thatyoumayunderstand,andnotblamemymaliciousbehaviouronthatoccasion.
Itwasnotmalicious,Iassureyou,he-he!
DoyousupposeIdidn’tcometosearchyourroomatthetime?Idid,Idid,he-he!
Iwasherewhenyouwerelyingillinbed,notofficially,notinmyownperson,butIwashere.
Yourroomwassearchedtothelastthreadatthefirstsuspicion;butumsonst!
Ithoughttomyself,nowthatmanwillcome,willcomeofhimselfandquickly,too;ifhe’sguilty,he’ssuretocome.Anothermanwouldn’t,buthewill.
AndyourememberhowMr.Razumihinbegandiscussingthesubjectwithyou?
Wearrangedthattoexciteyou,sowepurposelyspreadrumours,thathemightdiscussthecasewithyou,andRazumihinisnotamantorestrainhisindignation.
Mr.Zametovwastremendouslystruckbyyourangerandyouropendaring.
Thinkofblurtingoutinarestaurant‘Ikilledher.’Itwastoodaring,tooreckless.
Ithoughtsomyself,ifheisguiltyhewillbeaformidableopponent.ThatwaswhatIthoughtatthetime.Iwasexpectingyou.
ButyousimplybowledZametovoverand…well,yousee,itallliesinthis—thatthisdamnablepsychologycanbetakentwoways!
Well,Ikeptexpectingyou,andsoitwas,youcame!Myheartwasfairlythrobbing.Ach!
“Now,whyneedyouhavecome?Yourlaughter,too,asyoucamein,doyouremember?
Isawitallplainasdaylight,butifIhadn’texpectedyousospecially,Ishouldnothavenoticedanythinginyourlaughter.Youseewhatinfluenceamoodhas!
Mr.Razumihinthen—ah,thatstone,thatstoneunderwhichthethingswerehidden!
Iseemtoseeitsomewhereinakitchengarden.
Itwasinakitchengarden,youtoldZametovandafterwardsyourepeatedthatinmyoffice?
Andwhenwebeganpickingyourarticletopieces,howyouexplainedit!
Onecouldtakeeverywordofyoursintwosenses,asthoughtherewereanothermeaninghidden.
“Sointhisway,RodionRomanovitch,Ireachedthefurthestlimit,andknockingmyheadagainstapost,Ipulledmyselfup,askingmyselfwhatIwasabout.
Afterall,Isaid,youcantakeitallinanothersenseifyoulike,andit’smorenaturalso,indeed.
Icouldn’thelpadmittingitwasmorenatural.Iwasbothered!
‘No,I’dbettergetholdofsomelittlefact’Isaid.
SowhenIheardofthebell-ringing,Iheldmybreathandwasallinatremor.
‘Hereismylittlefact,’thoughtI,andIdidn’tthinkitover,Isimplywouldn’t.
Iwouldhavegivenathousandroublesatthatminutetohaveseenyouwithmyowneyes,whenyouwalkedahundredpacesbesidethatworkman,afterhehadcalledyoumurderertoyourface,andyoudidnotdaretoaskhimaquestionalltheway.
Andthenwhataboutyourtrembling,whataboutyourbell-ringinginyourillness,insemi-delirium?
“Andso,RodionRomanovitch,canyouwonderthatIplayedsuchpranksonyou?
Andwhatmadeyoucomeatthatveryminute?
Someoneseemedtohavesentyou,byJove!
AndifNikolayhadnotpartedus…anddoyourememberNikolayatthetime?Doyourememberhimclearly?
Itwasathunderbolt,aregularthunderbolt!AndhowImethim!
Ididn’tbelieveinthethunderbolt,notforaminute.
Youcouldseeitforyourself;andhowcouldI?
Evenafterwards,whenyouhadgoneandhebeganmakingvery,veryplausibleanswersoncertainpoints,sothatIwassurprisedathimmyself,eventhenIdidn’tbelievehisstory!
Youseewhatitistobeasfirmasarock!No,thoughtI,Morgenfrüh.WhathasNikolaygottodowithit!”
“RazumihintoldmejustnowthatyouthinkNikolayguiltyandhadyourselfassuredhimofit….”
Hisvoicefailedhim,andhebrokeoff.Hehadbeenlisteninginindescribableagitation,asthismanwhohadseenthroughandthroughhim,wentbackuponhimself.
Hewasafraidofbelievingitanddidnotbelieveit.
Inthosestillambiguouswordshekepteagerlylookingforsomethingmoredefiniteandconclusive.
“Mr.Razumihin!”criedPorfiryPetrovitch,seeminggladofaquestionfromRaskolnikov,whohadtillthenbeensilent.“He-he-he!
ButIhadtoputMr.Razumihinoff;twoiscompany,threeisnone.
Mr.Razumihinisnottherightman,besidesheisanoutsider.
Hecamerunningtomewithapaleface….Butnevermindhim,whybringhimin?
ToreturntoNikolay,wouldyouliketoknowwhatsortofatypeheis,howIunderstandhim,thatis?
Tobeginwith,heisstillachildandnotexactlyacoward,butsomethingbywayofanartist.
Really,don’tlaughatmydescribinghimso.
Heisinnocentandresponsivetoinfluence.
Hehasaheart,andisafantasticfellow.
Hesingsanddances,hetellsstories,theysay,sothatpeoplecomefromothervillagestohearhim.
Heattendsschooltoo,andlaughstillhecriesifyouholdupafingertohim;hewilldrinkhimselfsenseless—notasaregularvice,butattimes,whenpeopletreathim,likeachild.
Andhestole,too,then,withoutknowingithimself,for‘Howcanitbestealing,ifonepicksitup?’
AnddoyouknowheisanOldBeliever,orratheradissenter?
TherehavebeenWanderers[]inhisfamily,andhewasfortwoyearsinhisvillageunderthespiritualguidanceofacertainelder.
IlearntallthisfromNikolayandfromhisfellowvillagers.
Andwhat’smore,hewantedtorunintothewilderness!
Hewasfulloffervour,prayedatnight,readtheoldbooks,‘thetrue’ones,andreadhimselfcrazy.
Areligioussect.--TRANSLATOR'SNOTE.
“Petersburghadagreateffectuponhim,especiallythewomenandthewine.
Herespondstoeverythingandheforgottheelderandallthat.
Ilearntthatanartistheretookafancytohim,andusedtogoandseehim,andnowthisbusinesscameuponhim.
“Well,hewasfrightened,hetriedtohanghimself!Heranaway!
HowcanonegetovertheideathepeoplehaveofRussianlegalproceedings?
Theveryword‘trial’frightenssomeofthem.Whosefaultisit?
Weshallseewhatthenewjurieswilldo.Godgranttheydogood!
Well,inprison,itseems,herememberedthevenerableelder;theBible,too,madeitsappearanceagain.
Doyouknow,RodionRomanovitch,theforceoftheword‘suffering’amongsomeofthesepeople!
It’snotaquestionofsufferingforsomeone’sbenefit,butsimply,‘onemustsuffer.’
Iftheysufferatthehandsoftheauthorities,somuchthebetter.
InmytimetherewasaverymeekandmildprisonerwhospentawholeyearinprisonalwaysreadinghisBibleonthestoveatnightandhereadhimselfcrazy,andsocrazy,doyouknow,thatoneday,aproposofnothing,heseizedabrickandflungitatthegovernor;thoughhehaddonehimnoharm.
Andthewayhethrewittoo:aimeditayardononesideonpurpose,forfearofhurtinghim.
Well,weknowwhathappenstoaprisonerwhoassaultsanofficerwithaweapon.So‘hetookhissuffering.’
“SoIsuspectnowthatNikolaywantstotakehissufferingorsomethingofthesort.
Iknowitforcertainfromfacts,indeed.Onlyhedoesn’tknowthatIknow.
What,youdon’tadmitthattherearesuchfantasticpeopleamongthepeasants?Lotsofthem.
Theeldernowhasbeguninfluencinghim,especiallysincehetriedtohanghimself.Buthe’llcomeandtellmeallhimself.Youthinkhe’llholdout?Waitabit,he’lltakehiswordsback.
Iamwaitingfromhourtohourforhimtocomeandabjurehisevidence.
IhavecometolikethatNikolayandamstudyinghimindetail.Andwhatdoyouthink?He-he!
Heansweredmeveryplausiblyonsomepoints,heobviouslyhadcollectedsomeevidenceandpreparedhimselfcleverly.
Butonotherpointsheissimplyatsea,knowsnothinganddoesn’tevensuspectthathedoesn’tknow!
“No,RodionRomanovitch,Nikolaydoesn’tcomein!
Thisisafantastic,gloomybusiness,amoderncase,anincidentofto-daywhentheheartofmanistroubled,whenthephraseisquotedthatblood‘renews,’whencomfortispreachedastheaimoflife.
Herewehavebookishdreams,aheartunhingedbytheories.
Hereweseeresolutioninthefirststage,butresolutionofaspecialkind:heresolvedtodoitlikejumpingoveraprecipiceorfromabelltowerandhislegsshookashewenttothecrime.
Heforgottoshutthedoorafterhim,andmurderedtwopeopleforatheory.
Hecommittedthemurderandcouldn’ttakethemoney,andwhathedidmanagetosnatchuphehidunderastone.
Itwasn’tenoughforhimtosufferagonybehindthedoorwhiletheybatteredatthedoorandrungthebell,no,hehadtogototheemptylodging,halfdelirious,torecallthebell-ringing,hewantedtofeelthecoldshiveroveragain….
Well,thatwegrant,wasthroughillness,butconsiderthis:heisamurderer,butlooksuponhimselfasanhonestman,despisesothers,posesasinjuredinnocence.
No,that’snottheworkofaNikolay,mydearRodionRomanovitch!”
Allthathadbeensaidbeforehadsoundedsolikearecantationthatthesewordsweretoogreatashock.Raskolnikovshudderedasthoughhehadbeenstabbed.
“Then…whothen…isthemurderer?”heaskedinabreathlessvoice,unabletorestrainhimself.
PorfiryPetrovitchsankbackinhischair,asthoughhewereamazedatthequestion.
“Whoisthemurderer?”herepeated,asthoughunabletobelievehisears.“Why,you,RodionRomanovitch!Youarethemurderer,”headded,almostinawhisper,inavoiceofgenuineconviction.
Raskolnikovleaptfromthesofa,stoodupforafewsecondsandsatdownagainwithoututteringaword.Hisfacetwitchedconvulsively.
“Yourlipistwitchingjustasitdidbefore,”PorfiryPetrovitchobservedalmostsympathetically.
“You’vebeenmisunderstandingme,Ithink,RodionRomanovitch,”headdedafterabriefpause,“that’swhyyouaresosurprised.
Icameonpurposetotellyoueverythinganddealopenlywithyou.”
“ItwasnotImurderedher,”Raskolnikovwhisperedlikeafrightenedchildcaughtintheact.
“No,itwasyou,youRodionRomanovitch,andnooneelse,”Porfirywhisperedsternly,withconviction.
Theywerebothsilentandthesilencelastedstrangelylong,abouttenminutes.
Raskolnikovputhiselbowonthetableandpassedhisfingersthroughhishair.PorfiryPetrovitchsatquietlywaiting.
SuddenlyRaskolnikovlookedscornfullyatPorfiry.
“Youareatyouroldtricksagain,PorfiryPetrovitch!Youroldmethodagain.Iwonderyoudon’tgetsickofit!”
“Oh,stopthat,whatdoesthatmatternow?
Itwouldbeadifferentmatteriftherewerewitnessespresent,butwearewhisperingalone.
YouseeyourselfthatIhavenotcometochaseandcaptureyoulikeahare.
Whetheryouconfessitornotisnothingtomenow;formyself,Iamconvincedwithoutit.”
“Ifso,whatdidyoucomefor?”Raskolnikovaskedirritably.“Iaskyouthesamequestionagain:ifyouconsidermeguilty,whydon’tyoutakemetoprison?”
“Oh,that’syourquestion!Iwillansweryou,pointforpoint.Inthefirstplace,toarrestyousodirectlyisnottomyinterest.”
“Howso?Ifyouareconvincedyouought….”
“Ach,whatifIamconvinced?That’sonlymydreamforthetime.WhyshouldIputyouinsafety?
Youknowthat’sit,sinceyouaskmetodoit.
IfIconfrontyouwiththatworkmanforinstanceandyousaytohim‘wereyoudrunkornot?Whosawmewithyou?
Isimplytookyoutobedrunk,andyouweredrunk,too.’
Well,whatcouldIanswer,especiallyasyourstoryisamorelikelyonethanhis?
forthere’snothingbutpsychologytosupporthisevidence—that’salmostunseemlywithhisuglymug,whileyouhitthemarkexactly,fortherascalisaninveteratedrunkardandnotoriouslyso.
AndIhavemyselfadmittedcandidlyseveraltimesalreadythatthatpsychologycanbetakenintwowaysandthatthesecondwayisstrongerandlooksfarmoreprobable,andthatapartfromthatIhaveasyetnothingagainstyou.
AndthoughIshallputyouinprisonandindeedhavecome—quitecontrarytoetiquette—toinformyouofitbeforehand,yetItellyoufrankly,alsocontrarytoetiquette,thatitwon’tbetomyadvantage.
Well,secondly,I’vecometoyoubecause…”
“Yes,yes,secondly?”Raskolnikovwaslisteningbreathless.
“Because,asItoldyoujustnow,IconsiderIoweyouanexplanation.
Idon’twantyoutolookuponmeasamonster,asIhaveagenuinelikingforyou,youmaybelievemeornot.
AndinthethirdplaceI’vecometoyouwithadirectandopenproposition—thatyoushouldsurrenderandconfess.
Itwillbeinfinitelymoretoyouradvantageandtomyadvantagetoo,formytaskwillbedone.Well,isthisopenonmypartornot?”
Raskolnikovthoughtaminute.
“Listen,PorfiryPetrovitch.Yousaidjustnowyouhavenothingbutpsychologytogoon,yetnowyou’vegoneonmathematics.Well,whatifyouaremistakenyourself,now?”
“No,RodionRomanovitch,Iamnotmistaken.Ihavealittlefacteventhen,Providencesentitme.”
“Whatlittlefact?”
“Iwon’ttellyouwhat,RodionRomanovitch.
Andinanycase,Ihaven’ttherighttoputitoffanylonger,Imustarrestyou.
Sothinkitover:itmakesnodifferencetomenowandsoIspeakonlyforyoursake.
Believeme,itwillbebetter,RodionRomanovitch.”
Raskolnikovsmiledmalignantly.
“That’snotsimplyridiculous,it’spositivelyshameless.
Why,evenifIwereguilty,whichIdon’tadmit,whatreasonshouldIhavetoconfess,whenyoutellmeyourselfthatIshallbeingreatersafetyinprison?”
“Ah,RodionRomanovitch,don’tputtoomuchfaithinwords,perhapsprisonwillnotbealtogetherarestfulplace.
That’sonlytheoryandmytheory,andwhatauthorityamIforyou?
Perhaps,too,evennowIamhidingsomethingfromyou?Ican’tlaybareeverything,he-he!Andhowcanyouaskwhatadvantage?
Don’tyouknowhowitwouldlessenyoursentence?
Youwouldbeconfessingatamomentwhenanothermanhastakenthecrimeonhimselfandsohasmuddledthewholecase.Considerthat!
IswearbeforeGodthatIwillsoarrangethatyourconfessionshallcomeasacompletesurprise.
Wewillmakeacleansweepofallthesepsychologicalpoints,ofasuspicionagainstyou,sothatyourcrimewillappeartohavebeensomethinglikeanaberration,forintruthitwasanaberration.
Iamanhonestman,RodionRomanovitch,andwillkeepmyword.”
Raskolnikovmaintainedamournfulsilenceandlethisheadsinkdejectedly.Heponderedalongwhileandatlastsmiledagain,buthissmilewassadandgentle.
“No!”hesaid,apparentlyabandoningallattempttokeepupappearanceswithPorfiry,“it’snotworthit,Idon’tcareaboutlesseningthesentence!”
“That’sjustwhatIwasafraidof!”Porfirycriedwarmlyand,asitseemed,involuntarily.“That’sjustwhatIfeared,thatyouwouldn’tcareaboutthemitigationofsentence.”
Raskolnikovlookedsadlyandexpressivelyathim.
“Ah,don’tdisdainlife!”Porfirywenton.“Youhaveagreatdealofitstillbeforeyou.Howcanyousayyoudon’twantamitigationofsentence?Youareanimpatientfellow!”
“Agreatdealofwhatliesbeforeme?”
“Oflife.Whatsortofprophetareyou,doyouknowmuchaboutit?Seekandyeshallfind.ThismaybeGod’smeansforbringingyoutoHim.Andit’snotforever,thebondage….”
“Thetimewillbeshortened,”laughedRaskolnikov.
“Why,isitthebourgeoisdisgraceyouareafraidof?
Itmaybethatyouareafraidofitwithoutknowingit,becauseyouareyoung!
Butanywayyoushouldn’tbeafraidofgivingyourselfupandconfessing.”
“Ach,hangit!”Raskolnikovwhisperedwithloathingandcontempt,asthoughhedidnotwanttospeakaloud.
Hegotupagainasthoughhemeanttogoaway,butsatdownagaininevidentdespair.
“Hangit,ifyoulike!You’velostfaithandyouthinkthatIamgrosslyflatteringyou;buthowlonghasyourlifebeen?Howmuchdoyouunderstand?
Youmadeupatheoryandthenwereashamedthatitbrokedownandturnedouttobenotatalloriginal!
Itturnedoutsomethingbase,that’strue,butyouarenothopelesslybase.Bynomeanssobase!
Atleastyoudidn’tdeceiveyourselfforlong,youwentstraighttothefurthestpointatonebound.HowdoIregardyou?
Iregardyouasoneofthosemenwhowouldstandandsmileattheirtorturerwhilehecutstheirentrailsout,ifonlytheyhavefoundfaithorGod.Finditandyouwilllive.Youhavelongneededachangeofair.Suffering,too,isagoodthing.Suffer!
MaybeNikolayisrightinwantingtosuffer.
Iknowyoudon’tbelieveinit—butdon’tbeover-wise;flingyourselfstraightintolife,withoutdeliberation;don’tbeafraid—thefloodwillbearyoutothebankandsetyousafeonyourfeetagain.Whatbank?HowcanItell?
Ionlybelievethatyouhavelonglifebeforeyou.
Iknowthatyoutakeallmywordsnowforasetspeechpreparedbeforehand,butmaybeyouwillrememberthemafter.Theymaybeofusesometime.That’swhyIspeak.
It’saswellthatyouonlykilledtheoldwoman.
Ifyou’dinventedanothertheoryyoumightperhapshavedonesomethingathousandtimesmorehideous.YououghttothankGod,perhaps.Howdoyouknow?
PerhapsGodissavingyouforsomething.
Butkeepagoodheartandhavelessfear!
Areyouafraidofthegreatexpiationbeforeyou?
No,itwouldbeshamefultobeafraidofit.
Sinceyouhavetakensuchastep,youmusthardenyourheart.Thereisjusticeinit.Youmustfulfilthedemandsofjustice.
Iknowthatyoudon’tbelieveit,butindeed,lifewillbringyouthrough.Youwillliveitdownintime.
Whatyouneednowisfreshair,freshair,freshair!”
Raskolnikovpositivelystarted.
“Butwhoareyou?whatprophetareyou?Fromtheheightofwhatmajesticcalmdoyouproclaimthesewordsofwisdom?”
“WhoamI?Iamamanwithnothingtohopefor,that’sall.
Amanperhapsoffeelingandsympathy,maybeofsomeknowledgetoo,butmydayisover.
Butyouareadifferentmatter,thereislifewaitingforyou.Though,whoknows?
maybeyourlife,too,willpassoffinsmokeandcometonothing.
Come,whatdoesitmatter,thatyouwillpassintoanotherclassofmen?
It’snotcomfortyouregret,withyourheart!
Whatofitthatperhapsnoonewillseeyouforsolong?
It’snottime,butyourselfthatwilldecidethat.Bethesunandallwillseeyou.Thesunhasbeforealltobethesun.Whyareyousmilingagain?AtmybeingsuchaSchiller?
Ibetyou’reimaginingthatIamtryingtogetroundyoubyflattery.Well,perhapsIam,he-he-he!
Perhapsyou’dbetternotbelievemyword,perhapsyou’dbetterneverbelieveitaltogether—I’mmadethatway,Iconfessit.
Butletmeadd,youcanjudgeforyourself,Ithink,howfarIamabasesortofmanandhowfarIamhonest.”
“Whendoyoumeantoarrestme?”
“Well,Icanletyouwalkaboutanotherdayortwo.Thinkitover,mydearfellow,andpraytoGod.It’smoreinyourinterest,believeme.”
“AndwhatifIrunaway?”askedRaskolnikovwithastrangesmile.
“No,youwon’trunaway.Apeasantwouldrunaway,afashionabledissenterwouldrunaway,theflunkeyofanotherman’sthought,foryou’veonlytoshowhimtheendofyourlittlefingerandhe’llbereadytobelieveinanythingfortherestofhislife.
Butyou’veceasedtobelieveinyourtheoryalready,whatwillyourunawaywith?Andwhatwouldyoudoinhiding?
Itwouldbehatefulanddifficultforyou,andwhatyouneedmorethananythinginlifeisadefiniteposition,anatmospheretosuityou.
Andwhatsortofatmospherewouldyouhave?
Ifyouranaway,you’dcomebacktoyourself.Youcan’tgetonwithoutus.
AndifIputyouinprison—sayyou’vebeenthereamonth,ortwo,orthree—remembermyword,you’llconfessofyourselfandperhapstoyourownsurprise.
Youwon’tknowanhourbeforehandthatyouarecomingwithaconfession.
Iamconvincedthatyouwilldecide,‘totakeyoursuffering.’
Youdon’tbelievemywordsnow,butyou’llcometoitofyourself.
Forsuffering,RodionRomanovitch,isagreatthing.
Nevermindmyhavinggrownfat,Iknowallthesame.
Don’tlaughatit,there’sanideainsuffering,Nokolayisright.
No,youwon’trunaway,RodionRomanovitch.”
Raskolnikovgotupandtookhiscap.PorfiryPetrovitchalsorose.
“Areyougoingforawalk?Theeveningwillbefine,ifonlywedon’thaveastorm.Thoughitwouldbeagoodthingtofreshentheair.”
He,too,tookhiscap.
“PorfiryPetrovitch,pleasedon’ttakeupthenotionthatIhaveconfessedtoyouto-day,”Raskolnikovpronouncedwithsulleninsistence.
“You’reastrangemanandIhavelistenedtoyoufromsimplecuriosity.
ButIhaveadmittednothing,rememberthat!”
“Oh,Iknowthat,I’llremember.Lookathim,he’strembling!
Don’tbeuneasy,mydearfellow,haveityourownway.
Walkaboutabit,youwon’tbeabletowalktoofar.
Ifanythinghappens,Ihaveonerequesttomakeofyou,”headded,droppinghisvoice.“It’sanawkwardone,butimportant.
Ifanythingweretohappen(thoughindeedIdon’tbelieveinitandthinkyouquiteincapableofit),yetincaseyouweretakenduringthesefortyorfiftyhourswiththenotionofputtinganendtothebusinessinsomeotherway,insomefantasticfashion—layinghandsonyourself—(it’sanabsurdproposition,butyoumustforgivemeforit)doleaveabriefbutprecisenote,onlytwolines,andmentionthestone.
Itwillbemoregenerous.Come,tillwemeet!
Goodthoughtsandsounddecisionstoyou!”
Porfirywentout,stoopingandavoidinglookingatRaskolnikov.
ThelatterwenttothewindowandwaitedwithirritableimpatiencetillhecalculatedthatPorfiryhadreachedthestreetandmovedaway.
Thenhetoowenthurriedlyoutoftheroom.
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