English
AstrangeperiodbeganforRaskolnikov:itwasasthoughafoghadfallenuponhimandwrappedhiminadrearysolitudefromwhichtherewasnoescape.
Recallingthatperiodlongafter,hebelievedthathismindhadbeencloudedattimes,andthatithadcontinuedso,withintervals,tillthefinalcatastrophe.
Hewasconvincedthathehadbeenmistakenaboutmanythingsatthattime,forinstanceastothedateofcertainevents.
Anyway,whenhetriedlaterontopiecehisrecollectionstogether,helearntagreatdealabouthimselffromwhatotherpeopletoldhim.
Hehadmixedupincidentsandhadexplainedeventsasduetocircumstanceswhichexistedonlyinhisimagination.
Attimeshewasapreytoagoniesofmorbiduneasiness,amountingsometimestopanic.
Butheremembered,too,moments,hours,perhapswholedays,ofcompleteapathy,whichcameuponhimasareactionfromhispreviousterrorandmightbecomparedwiththeabnormalinsensibility,sometimesseeninthedying.
Heseemedtobetryinginthatlatterstagetoescapefromafullandclearunderstandingofhisposition.
Certainessentialfactswhichrequiredimmediateconsiderationwereparticularlyirksometohim.
Howgladhewouldhavebeentobefreefromsomecares,theneglectofwhichwouldhavethreatenedhimwithcomplete,inevitableruin.
HewasparticularlyworriedaboutSvidrigailov,hemightbesaidtobepermanentlythinkingofSvidrigailov.
FromthetimeofSvidrigailov’stoomenacingandunmistakablewordsinSonia’sroomatthemomentofKaterinaIvanovna’sdeath,thenormalworkingofhismindseemedtobreakdown.
Butalthoughthisnewfactcausedhimextremeuneasiness,Raskolnikovwasinnohurryforanexplanationofit.
Attimes,findinghimselfinasolitaryandremotepartofthetown,insomewretchedeating-house,sittingalonelostinthought,hardlyknowinghowhehadcomethere,hesuddenlythoughtofSvidrigailov.
Herecognisedsuddenly,clearly,andwithdismaythatheoughtatoncetocometoanunderstandingwiththatmanandtomakewhattermshecould.
Walkingoutsidethecitygatesoneday,hepositivelyfanciedthattheyhadfixedameetingthere,thathewaswaitingforSvidrigailov.
Anothertimehewokeupbeforedaybreaklyingonthegroundundersomebushesandcouldnotatfirstunderstandhowhehadcomethere.
ButduringthetwoorthreedaysafterKaterinaIvanovna’sdeath,hehadtwoorthreetimesmetSvidrigailovatSonia’slodging,wherehehadgoneaimlesslyforamoment.
Theyexchangedafewwordsandmadenoreferencetothevitalsubject,asthoughtheyweretacitlyagreednottospeakofitforatime.
KaterinaIvanovna’sbodywasstilllyinginthecoffin,Svidrigailovwasbusymakingarrangementsforthefuneral.Soniatoowasverybusy.
AttheirlastmeetingSvidrigailovinformedRaskolnikovthathehadmadeanarrangement,andaverysatisfactoryone,forKaterinaIvanovna’schildren;thathehad,throughcertainconnections,succeededingettingholdofcertainpersonagesbywhosehelpthethreeorphanscouldbeatonceplacedinverysuitableinstitutions;thatthemoneyhehadsettledonthemhadbeenofgreatassistance,asitismucheasiertoplaceorphanswithsomepropertythandestituteones.
HesaidsomethingtooaboutSoniaandpromisedtocomehimselfinadayortwotoseeRaskolnikov,mentioningthat“hewouldliketoconsultwithhim,thattherewerethingstheymusttalkover….”
Thisconversationtookplaceinthepassageonthestairs.
SvidrigailovlookedintentlyatRaskolnikovandsuddenly,afterabriefpause,droppinghisvoice,asked:“Buthowisit,RodionRomanovitch;youdon’tseemyourself?
Youlookandyoulisten,butyoudon’tseemtounderstand.Cheerup!
We’lltalkthingsover;Iamonlysorry,I’vesomuchtodoofmyownbusinessandotherpeople’s.
Ah,RodionRomanovitch,”headdedsuddenly,“whatallmenneedisfreshair,freshair…morethananything!”
Hemovedtoonesidetomakewayforthepriestandserver,whowerecomingupthestairs.Theyhadcomefortherequiemservice.
BySvidrigailov’sordersitwassungtwiceadaypunctually.Svidrigailovwenthisway.
Raskolnikovstoodstillamoment,thought,andfollowedthepriestintoSonia’sroom.Hestoodatthedoor.
Theybeganquietly,slowlyandmournfullysingingtheservice.
Fromhischildhoodthethoughtofdeathandthepresenceofdeathhadsomethingoppressiveandmysteriouslyawful;anditwaslongsincehehadheardtherequiemservice.
Andtherewassomethingelsehereaswell,tooawfulanddisturbing.
Helookedatthechildren:theywereallkneelingbythecoffin;Polenkawasweeping.
BehindthemSoniaprayed,softlyand,asitwere,timidlyweeping.
“Theselasttwodaysshehasn’tsaidawordtome,shehasn’tglancedatme,”Raskolnikovthoughtsuddenly.
Thesunlightwasbrightintheroom;theincenseroseinclouds;thepriestread,“Giverest,ohLord….”
Raskolnikovstayedallthroughtheservice.
Asheblessedthemandtookhisleave,thepriestlookedroundstrangely.
Aftertheservice,RaskolnikovwentuptoSonia.
Shetookbothhishandsandletherheadsinkonhisshoulder.
ThisslightfriendlygesturebewilderedRaskolnikov.
Itseemedstrangetohimthattherewasnotraceofrepugnance,notraceofdisgust,notremorinherhand.
Itwasthefurthestlimitofself-abnegation,atleastsoheinterpretedit.
Soniasaidnothing.Raskolnikovpressedherhandandwentout.Hefeltverymiserable.
Ifithadbeenpossibletoescapetosomesolitude,hewouldhavethoughthimselflucky,evenifhehadtospendhiswholelifethere.
Butalthoughhehadalmostalwaysbeenbyhimselfoflate,hehadneverbeenabletofeelalone.
Sometimeshewalkedoutofthetownontothehighroad,oncehehadevenreachedalittlewood,buttheloneliertheplacewas,themoreheseemedtobeawareofanuneasypresencenearhim.
Itdidnotfrightenhim,butgreatlyannoyedhim,sothathemadehastetoreturntothetown,tominglewiththecrowd,toenterrestaurantsandtaverns,towalkinbusythoroughfares.
Therehefelteasierandevenmoresolitary.
Onedayatduskhesatforanhourlisteningtosongsinatavernandherememberedthathepositivelyenjoyedit.
Butatlasthehadsuddenlyfeltthesameuneasinessagain,asthoughhisconsciencesmotehim.
“HereIsitlisteningtosinging,isthatwhatIoughttobedoing?”hethought.
Yethefeltatoncethatthatwasnottheonlycauseofhisuneasiness;therewassomethingrequiringimmediatedecision,butitwassomethinghecouldnotclearlyunderstandorputintowords.Itwasahopelesstangle.“No,betterthestruggleagain!BetterPorfiryagain…orSvidrigailov….
Bettersomechallengeagain…someattack.Yes,yes!”hethought.
Hewentoutofthetavernandrushedawayalmostatarun.
ThethoughtofDouniaandhismothersuddenlyreducedhimalmosttoapanic.
ThatnighthewokeupbeforemorningamongsomebushesinKrestovskyIsland,tremblingalloverwithfever;hewalkedhome,anditwasearlymorningwhenhearrived.
Aftersomehours’sleepthefeverlefthim,buthewokeuplate,twoo’clockintheafternoon.
HerememberedthatKaterinaIvanovna’sfuneralhadbeenfixedforthatday,andwasgladthathewasnotpresentatit.
Nastasyabroughthimsomefood;heateanddrankwithappetite,almostwithgreediness.
Hisheadwasfresherandhewascalmerthanhehadbeenforthelastthreedays.
Heevenfeltapassingwonderathispreviousattacksofpanic.
ThedooropenedandRazumihincamein.
“Ah,he’seating,thenhe’snotill,”saidRazumihin.HetookachairandsatdownatthetableoppositeRaskolnikov.
Hewastroubledanddidnotattempttoconcealit.Hespokewithevidentannoyance,butwithouthurryorraisinghisvoice.Helookedasthoughhehadsomespecialfixeddetermination.
“Listen,”hebeganresolutely.“AsfarasIamconcerned,youmayallgotohell,butfromwhatIsee,it’scleartomethatIcan’tmakeheadortailofit;pleasedon’tthinkI’vecometoaskyouquestions.Idon’twanttoknow,hangit!
Ifyoubegintellingmeyoursecrets,IdaresayIshouldn’tstaytolisten,Ishouldgoawaycursing.
Ihaveonlycometofindoutonceforallwhetherit’safactthatyouaremad?
Thereisaconvictionintheairthatyouaremadorverynearlyso.
IadmitI’vebeendisposedtothatopinionmyself,judgingfromyourstupid,repulsiveandquiteinexplicableactions,andfromyourrecentbehaviortoyourmotherandsister.
Onlyamonsteroramadmancouldtreatthemasyouhave;soyoumustbemad.”
“Whendidyouseethemlast?”
“Justnow.Haven’tyouseenthemsincethen?Whathaveyoubeendoingwithyourself?Tellme,please.I’vebeentoyouthreetimesalready.
Yourmotherhasbeenseriouslyillsinceyesterday.
Shehadmadeuphermindtocometoyou;AvdotyaRomanovnatriedtopreventher;shewouldn’thearaword.
‘Ifheisill,ifhismindisgivingway,whocanlookafterhimlikehismother?’shesaid.
Weallcameheretogether,wecouldn’tlethercomealonealltheway.Wekeptbegginghertobecalm.
Wecamein,youweren’there;shesatdown,andstayedtenminutes,whilewestoodwaitinginsilence.
Shegotupandsaid:‘Ifhe’sgoneout,thatis,ifheiswell,andhasforgottenhismother,it’shumiliatingandunseemlyforhismothertostandathisdoorbeggingforkindness.’
Shereturnedhomeandtooktoherbed;nowsheisinafever.
‘Isee,’shesaid,‘thathehastimeforhisgirl.’
ShemeansbyyourgirlSofyaSemyonovna,yourbetrothedoryourmistress,Idon’tknow.
IwentatoncetoSofyaSemyonovna’s,forIwantedtoknowwhatwasgoingon.
Ilookedround,Isawthecoffin,thechildrencrying,andSofyaSemyonovnatryingthemonmourningdresses.Nosignofyou.
Iapologised,cameaway,andreportedtoAvdotyaRomanovna.
Sothat’sallnonsenseandyouhaven’tgotagirl;themostlikelythingisthatyouaremad.
Buthereyousit,guzzlingboiledbeefasthoughyou’dnothadabiteforthreedays.
Thoughasfarasthatgoes,madmeneattoo,butthoughyouhavenotsaidawordtomeyet…youarenotmad!ThatI’dswear!Aboveall,youarenotmad!
Soyoumaygotohell,allofyou,forthere’ssomemystery,somesecretaboutit,andIdon’tintendtoworrymybrainsoveryoursecrets.
SoI’vesimplycometoswearatyou,”hefinished,gettingup,“torelievemymind.AndIknowwhattodonow.”
“Whatdoyoumeantodonow?”
“WhatbusinessisitofyourswhatImeantodo?”
“Youaregoinginforadrinkingbout.”
“How…howdidyouknow?”
“Why,it’sprettyplain.”
Razumihinpausedforaminute.
“Youalwayshavebeenaveryrationalpersonandyou’veneverbeenmad,never,”heobservedsuddenlywithwarmth.“You’reright:Ishalldrink.Good-bye!”
Andhemovedtogoout.
“Iwastalkingwithmysister—thedaybeforeyesterday,Ithinkitwas—aboutyou,Razumihin.”
“Aboutme!But…wherecanyouhaveseenherthedaybeforeyesterday?”Razumihinstoppedshortandeventurnedalittlepale.
Onecouldseethathisheartwasthrobbingslowlyandviolently.
“Shecameherebyherself,satthereandtalkedtome.”
“Shedid!”
“Yes.”
“Whatdidyousaytoher…Imean,aboutme?”
“Itoldheryouwereaverygood,honest,andindustriousman.Ididn’ttellheryouloveher,becausesheknowsthatherself.”
“Sheknowsthatherself?”
“Well,it’sprettyplain.WhereverImightgo,whateverhappenedtome,youwouldremaintolookafterthem.
I,sotospeak,givethemintoyourkeeping,Razumihin.
IsaythisbecauseIknowquitewellhowyouloveher,andamconvincedofthepurityofyourheart.
Iknowthatshetoomayloveyouandperhapsdoesloveyoualready.
Nowdecideforyourself,asyouknowbest,whetheryouneedgoinforadrinkingboutornot.”
“Rodya!Yousee…well….Ach,damnit!Butwheredoyoumeantogo?
Ofcourse,ifit’sallasecret,nevermind….
ButI…Ishallfindoutthesecret…andIamsurethatitmustbesomeridiculousnonsenseandthatyou’vemadeitallup.
Anywayyouareacapitalfellow,acapitalfellow!...”
“ThatwasjustwhatIwantedtoadd,onlyyouinterrupted,thatthatwasaverygooddecisionofyoursnottofindoutthesesecrets.Leaveittotime,don’tworryaboutit.
You’llknowitallintimewhenitmustbe.
Yesterdayamansaidtomethatwhatamanneedsisfreshair,freshair,freshair.
Imeantogotohimdirectlytofindoutwhathemeantbythat.”
Razumihinstoodlostinthoughtandexcitement,makingasilentconclusion.
“He’sapoliticalconspirator!Hemustbe.Andhe’sontheeveofsomedesperatestep,that’scertain.Itcanonlybethat!And…andDouniaknows,”hethoughtsuddenly.
“SoAvdotyaRomanovnacomestoseeyou,”hesaid,weighingeachsyllable,“andyou’regoingtoseeamanwhosaysweneedmoreair,andsoofcoursethatletter…thattoomusthavesomethingtodowithit,”heconcludedtohimself.
“Whatletter?”
“Shegotaletterto-day.Itupsetherverymuch—verymuchindeed.Toomuchso.
Ibeganspeakingofyou,shebeggedmenotto.
Then…thenshesaidthatperhapsweshouldverysoonhavetopart…thenshebeganwarmlythankingmeforsomething;thenshewenttoherroomandlockedherselfin.”
“Shegotaletter?”Raskolnikovaskedthoughtfully.
“Yes,andyoudidn’tknow?hm…”
Theywerebothsilent.
“Good-bye,Rodion.Therewasatime,brother,whenI….Nevermind,good-bye.Yousee,therewasatime….Well,good-bye!Imustbeofftoo.Iamnotgoingtodrink.There’snoneednow….That’sallstuff!”
Hehurriedout;butwhenhehadalmostclosedthedoorbehindhim,hesuddenlyopeneditagain,andsaid,lookingaway:
“Oh,bytheway,doyourememberthatmurder,youknowPorfiry’s,thatoldwoman?
Doyouknowthemurdererhasbeenfound,hehasconfessedandgiventheproofs.
It’soneofthoseveryworkmen,thepainter,onlyfancy!DoyourememberIdefendedthemhere?
Wouldyoubelieveit,allthatsceneoffightingandlaughingwithhiscompanionsonthestairswhiletheporterandthetwowitnessesweregoingup,hegotuponpurposetodisarmsuspicion.
Thecunning,thepresenceofmindoftheyoungdog!
Onecanhardlycreditit;butit’shisownexplanation,hehasconfesseditall.AndwhatafoolIwasaboutit!
Well,he’ssimplyageniusofhypocrisyandresourcefulnessindisarmingthesuspicionsofthelawyers—sothere’snothingmuchtowonderat,Isuppose!
Ofcoursepeoplelikethatarealwayspossible.
Andthefactthathecouldn’tkeepupthecharacter,butconfessed,makeshimeasiertobelievein.ButwhatafoolIwas!Iwasfranticontheirside!”
“Tellme,please,fromwhomdidyouhearthat,andwhydoesitinterestyouso?”Raskolnikovaskedwithunmistakableagitation.
“Whatnext?Youaskmewhyitinterestsme!...Well,IhearditfromPorfiry,amongothers…ItwasfromhimIheardalmostallaboutit.”
“FromPorfiry?”
“FromPorfiry.”
“What…whatdidhesay?”Raskolnikovaskedindismay.
“Hegavemeacapitalexplanationofit.Psychologically,afterhisfashion.”
“Heexplainedit?Explainedithimself?”
“Yes,yes;good-bye.I’lltellyouallaboutitanothertime,butnowI’mbusy.
TherewasatimewhenIfancied…Butnomatter,anothertime!
...Whatneedisthereformetodrinknow?Youhavemademedrunkwithoutwine.Iamdrunk,Rodya!Good-bye,I’mgoing.I’llcomeagainverysoon.”
Hewentout.
“He’sapoliticalconspirator,there’snotadoubtaboutit,”Razumihindecided,asheslowlydescendedthestairs.
“Andhe’sdrawnhissisterin;that’squite,quiteinkeepingwithAvdotyaRomanovna’scharacter.Thereareinterviewsbetweenthem!
...Shehintedatittoo…Somanyofherwords….andhints…bearthatmeaning!
Andhowelsecanallthistanglebeexplained?Hm!
AndIwasalmostthinking…Goodheavens,whatIthought!
Yes,ItookleaveofmysensesandIwrongedhim!
Itwashisdoing,underthelampinthecorridorthatday.Pfoo!
Whatacrude,nasty,vileideaonmypart!Nikolayisabrick,forconfessing….Andhowclearitallisnow!
Hisillnessthen,allhisstrangeactions…beforethis,intheuniversity,howmoroseheusedtobe,howgloomy….
Butwhat’sthemeaningnowofthatletter?
There’ssomethinginthat,too,perhaps.Whomwasitfrom?Isuspect…!No,Imustfindout!”
HethoughtofDounia,realisingallhehadheardandhisheartthrobbed,andhesuddenlybrokeintoarun.
AssoonasRazumihinwentout,Raskolnikovgotup,turnedtothewindow,walkedintoonecornerandthenintoanother,asthoughforgettingthesmallnessofhisroom,andsatdownagainonthesofa.
Hefelt,sotospeak,renewed;againthestruggle,soameansofescapehadcome.
“Yes,ameansofescapehadcome!Ithadbeentoostifling,toocramping,theburdenhadbeentooagonising.Alethargyhadcomeuponhimattimes.
FromthemomentofthescenewithNikolayatPorfiry’shehadbeensuffocating,pennedinwithouthopeofescape.
AfterNikolay’sconfession,onthatverydayhadcomethescenewithSonia;hisbehaviourandhislastwordshadbeenutterlyunlikeanythinghecouldhaveimaginedbeforehand;hehadgrownfeebler,instantlyandfundamentally!
AndhehadagreedatthetimewithSonia,hehadagreedinhishearthecouldnotgoonlivingalonewithsuchathingonhismind!
“AndSvidrigailovwasariddle…Heworriedhim,thatwastrue,butsomehownotonthesamepoint.
HemightstillhaveastruggletocomewithSvidrigailov.
Svidrigailov,too,mightbeameansofescape;butPorfirywasadifferentmatter.
“AndsoPorfiryhimselfhadexplainedittoRazumihin,hadexplaineditpsychologically.
Hehadbegunbringinginhisdamnedpsychologyagain!Porfiry?
ButtothinkthatPorfiryshouldforonemomentbelievethatNikolaywasguilty,afterwhathadpassedbetweenthembeforeNikolay’sappearance,afterthattête-à-têteinterview,whichcouldhaveonlyoneexplanation?
(DuringthosedaysRaskolnikovhadoftenrecalledpassagesinthatscenewithPorfiry;hecouldnotbeartolethismindrestonit.)
Suchwords,suchgestureshadpassedbetweenthem,theyhadexchangedsuchglances,thingshadbeensaidinsuchatoneandhadreachedsuchapass,thatNikolay,whomPorfiryhadseenthroughatthefirstword,atthefirstgesture,couldnothaveshakenhisconviction.
“AndtothinkthatevenRazumihinhadbeguntosuspect!
Thesceneinthecorridorunderthelamphadproduceditseffectthen.HehadrushedtoPorfiry….
Butwhathadinducedthelattertoreceivehimlikethat?
WhathadbeenhisobjectinputtingRazumihinoffwithNikolay?
Hemusthavesomeplan;therewassomedesign,butwhatwasit?
Itwastruethatalongtimehadpassedsincethatmorning—toolongatime—andnosightnorsoundofPorfiry.Well,thatwasabadsign….”
Raskolnikovtookhiscapandwentoutoftheroom,stillpondering.
Itwasthefirsttimeforalongwhilethathehadfeltclearinhismind,atleast.
“ImustsettleSvidrigailov,”hethought,“andassoonaspossible;he,too,seemstobewaitingformetocometohimofmyownaccord.”
Andatthatmomenttherewassucharushofhateinhiswearyheartthathemighthavekilledeitherofthosetwo—PorfiryorSvidrigailov.
Atleasthefeltthathewouldbecapableofdoingitlater,ifnotnow.
“Weshallsee,weshallsee,”herepeatedtohimself.
ButnosoonerhadheopenedthedoorthanhestumbleduponPorfiryhimselfinthepassage.Hewascomingintoseehim.
Raskolnikovwasdumbfoundedforaminute,butonlyforoneminute.
Strangetosay,hewasnotverymuchastonishedatseeingPorfiryandscarcelyafraidofhim.
Hewassimplystartled,butwasquickly,instantly,onhisguard.“Perhapsthiswillmeantheend?
ButhowcouldPorfiryhaveapproachedsoquietly,likeacat,sothathehadheardnothing?
Couldhehavebeenlisteningatthedoor?”
“Youdidn’texpectavisitor,RodionRomanovitch,”Porfiryexplained,laughing.
“I’vebeenmeaningtolookinalongtime;Iwaspassingbyandthoughtwhynotgoinforfiveminutes.Areyougoingout?Iwon’tkeepyoulong.Justletmehaveonecigarette.”
“Sitdown,PorfiryPetrovitch,sitdown.”Raskolnikovgavehisvisitoraseatwithsopleasedandfriendlyanexpressionthathewouldhavemarvelledathimself,ifhecouldhaveseenit.
Thelastmomenthadcome,thelastdropshadtobedrained!
Soamanwillsometimesgothroughhalfanhourofmortalterrorwithabrigand,yetwhentheknifeisathisthroatatlast,hefeelsnofear.
RaskolnikovseatedhimselfdirectlyfacingPorfiry,andlookedathimwithoutflinching.Porfiryscreweduphiseyesandbeganlightingacigarette.
“Speak,speak,”seemedasthoughitwouldburstfromRaskolnikov’sheart.“Come,whydon’tyouspeak?”
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