English
RaskolnikovhadbeenavigorousandactivechampionofSoniaagainstLuzhin,althoughhehadsuchaloadofhorrorandanguishinhisownheart.
Buthavinggonethroughsomuchinthemorning,hefoundasortofreliefinachangeofsensations,apartfromthestrongpersonalfeelingwhichimpelledhimtodefendSonia.
Hewasagitatedtoo,especiallyatsomemoments,bythethoughtofhisapproachinginterviewwithSonia:hehadtotellherwhohadkilledLizaveta.
Heknewtheterriblesufferingitwouldbetohimand,asitwere,brushedawaythethoughtofit.
SowhenhecriedasheleftKaterinaIvanovna’s,“Well,SofyaSemyonovna,weshallseewhatyou’llsaynow!”
hewasstillsuperficiallyexcited,stillvigorousanddefiantfromhistriumphoverLuzhin.
But,strangetosay,bythetimehereachedSonia’slodging,hefeltasuddenimpotenceandfear.
Hestoodstillinhesitationatthedoor,askinghimselfthestrangequestion:“MusthetellherwhokilledLizaveta?”
Itwasastrangequestionbecausehefeltattheverytimenotonlythathecouldnothelptellingher,butalsothathecouldnotputoffthetelling.
Hedidnotyetknowwhyitmustbeso,heonlyfeltit,andtheagonisingsenseofhisimpotencebeforetheinevitablealmostcrushedhim.
Tocutshorthishesitationandsuffering,hequicklyopenedthedoorandlookedatSoniafromthedoorway.
Shewassittingwithherelbowsonthetableandherfaceinherhands,butseeingRaskolnikovshegotupatonceandcametomeethimasthoughshewereexpectinghim.
“Whatwouldhavebecomeofmebutforyou?”shesaidquickly,meetinghiminthemiddleoftheroom.
Evidentlyshewasinhastetosaythistohim.Itwaswhatshehadbeenwaitingfor.
Raskolnikovwenttothetableandsatdownonthechairfromwhichshehadonlyjustrisen.Shestoodfacinghim,twostepsaway,justasshehaddonethedaybefore.
“Well,Sonia?”hesaid,andfeltthathisvoicewastrembling,“itwasalldueto‘yoursocialpositionandthehabitsassociatedwithit.’Didyouunderstandthatjustnow?”
Herfaceshowedherdistress.
“Onlydon’ttalktomeasyoudidyesterday,”sheinterruptedhim.“Pleasedon’tbeginit.Thereismiseryenoughwithoutthat.”
Shemadehastetosmile,afraidthathemightnotlikethereproach.
“Iwassillytocomeawayfromthere.Whatishappeningtherenow?Iwantedtogobackdirectly,butIkeptthinkingthat…youwouldcome.”
HetoldherthatAmaliaIvanovnawasturningthemoutoftheirlodgingandthatKaterinaIvanovnahadrunoffsomewhere“toseekjustice.”
“MyGod!”criedSonia,“let’sgoatonce….”
Andshesnatcheduphercape.
“It’severlastinglythesamething!”saidRaskolnikov,irritably.“You’venothoughtexceptforthem!Stayalittlewithme.”
“But…KaterinaIvanovna?”
“Youwon’tloseKaterinaIvanovna,youmaybesure,she’llcometoyouherselfsinceshehasrunout,”headdedpeevishly.“Ifshedoesn’tfindyouhere,you’llbeblamedforit….”
Soniasatdowninpainfulsuspense.Raskolnikovwassilent,gazingattheflooranddeliberating.
“ThistimeLuzhindidnotwanttoprosecuteyou,”hebegan,notlookingatSonia,“butifhehadwantedto,ifithadsuitedhisplans,hewouldhavesentyoutoprisonifithadnotbeenforLebeziatnikovandme.Ah?”
“Yes,”sheassentedinafaintvoice.“Yes,”sherepeated,preoccupiedanddistressed.
“ButImighteasilynothavebeenthere.AnditwasquiteanaccidentLebeziatnikov’sturningup.”
Soniawassilent.
“Andifyou’dgonetoprison,whatthen?DoyourememberwhatIsaidyesterday?”
Againshedidnotanswer.Hewaited.
“Ithoughtyouwouldcryoutagain‘don’tspeakofit,leaveoff.
’”Raskolnikovgavealaugh,butratheraforcedone.“What,silenceagain?”heaskedaminutelater.
“Wemusttalkaboutsomething,youknow.
Itwouldbeinterestingformetoknowhowyouwoulddecideacertain‘problem’asLebeziatnikovwouldsay.”(Hewasbeginningtolosethethread.)“No,really,Iamserious.
Imagine,Sonia,thatyouhadknownallLuzhin’sintentionsbeforehand.
Known,thatis,forafact,thattheywouldbetheruinofKaterinaIvanovnaandthechildrenandyourselfthrownin—sinceyoudon’tcountyourselfforanything—Polenkatoo…forshe’llgothesameway.
Well,ifsuddenlyitalldependedonyourdecisionwhetherheortheyshouldgoonliving,thatiswhetherLuzhinshouldgoonlivinganddoingwickedthings,orKaterinaIvanovnashoulddie?
Howwouldyoudecidewhichofthemwastodie?Iaskyou?”
Sonialookeduneasilyathim.Therewassomethingpeculiarinthishesitatingquestion,whichseemedapproachingsomethinginaroundaboutway.
“Ifeltthatyouweregoingtoasksomequestionlikethat,”shesaid,lookinginquisitivelyathim.
“Idaresayyoudid.Buthowisittobeanswered?”
“Whydoyouaskaboutwhatcouldnothappen?”saidSoniareluctantly.
“ThenitwouldbebetterforLuzhintogoonlivinganddoingwickedthings?Youhaven’tdaredtodecideeventhat!”
“ButIcan’tknowtheDivineProvidence….
Andwhydoyouaskwhatcan’tbeanswered?
What’stheuseofsuchfoolishquestions?
Howcouldithappenthatitshoulddependonmydecision—whohasmademeajudgetodecidewhoistoliveandwhoisnottolive?”
“Oh,iftheDivineProvidenceistobemixedupinit,thereisnodoinganything,”Raskolnikovgrumbledmorosely.
“You’dbettersaystraightoutwhatyouwant!”Soniacriedindistress.“Youareleadinguptosomethingagain….Canyouhavecomesimplytotortureme?”
Shecouldnotcontrolherselfandbegancryingbitterly.Helookedatheringloomymisery.Fiveminutespassed.
“Ofcourseyou’reright,Sonia,”hesaidsoftlyatlast.Hewassuddenlychanged.
Histoneofassumedarroganceandhelplessdefiancewasgone.Evenhisvoicewassuddenlyweak.
“ItoldyouyesterdaythatIwasnotcomingtoaskforgivenessandalmostthefirstthingI’vesaidistoaskforgiveness….
IsaidthataboutLuzhinandProvidenceformyownsake.Iwasaskingforgiveness,Sonia….”
Hetriedtosmile,buttherewassomethinghelplessandincompleteinhispalesmile.Hebowedhisheadandhidhisfaceinhishands.
Andsuddenlyastrange,surprisingsensationofasortofbitterhatredforSoniapassedthroughhisheart.
Asitwerewonderingandfrightenedofthissensation,heraisedhisheadandlookedintentlyather;buthemetheruneasyandpainfullyanxiouseyesfixedonhim;therewasloveinthem;hishatredvanishedlikeaphantom.
Itwasnottherealfeeling;hehadtakentheonefeelingfortheother.
Itonlymeantthatthatminutehadcome.
Hehidhisfaceinhishandsagainandbowedhishead.Suddenlyheturnedpale,gotupfromhischair,lookedatSonia,andwithoututteringawordsatdownmechanicallyonherbed.
Hissensationsthatmomentwereterriblylikethemomentwhenhehadstoodovertheoldwomanwiththeaxeinhishandandfeltthat“hemustnotloseanotherminute.”
“What’sthematter?”askedSonia,dreadfullyfrightened.
Hecouldnotutteraword.Thiswasnotatall,notatallthewayhehadintendedto“tell”andhedidnotunderstandwhatwashappeningtohimnow.
Shewentuptohim,softly,satdownonthebedbesidehimandwaited,nottakinghereyesoffhim.Herheartthrobbedandsank.
Itwasunendurable;heturnedhisdeadlypalefacetoher.
Hislipsworked,helplesslystrugglingtouttersomething.
ApangofterrorpassedthroughSonia’sheart.
“What’sthematter?”sherepeated,drawingalittleawayfromhim.
“Nothing,Sonia,don’tbefrightened….It’snonsense.
Itreallyisnonsense,ifyouthinkofit,”hemuttered,likeamanindelirium.“WhyhaveIcometotortureyou?”headdedsuddenly,lookingather.“Why,really?
Ikeepaskingmyselfthatquestion,Sonia….”
Hehadperhapsbeenaskinghimselfthatquestionaquarterofanhourbefore,butnowhespokehelplessly,hardlyknowingwhathesaidandfeelingacontinualtremorallover.
“Oh,howyouaresuffering!”shemutteredindistress,lookingintentlyathim.
“It’sallnonsense….Listen,Sonia.”Hesuddenlysmiled,apalehelplesssmilefortwoseconds.“YourememberwhatImeanttotellyouyesterday?”
Soniawaiteduneasily.
“IsaidasIwentawaythatperhapsIwassayinggood-byeforever,butthatifIcameto-dayIwouldtellyouwho…whokilledLizaveta.”
Shebegantremblingallover.
“Well,hereI’vecometotellyou.”
“Thenyoureallymeantityesterday?”shewhisperedwithdifficulty.“Howdoyouknow?”sheaskedquickly,asthoughsuddenlyregainingherreason.
Sonia’sfacegrewpalerandpaler,andshebreathedpainfully.
“Iknow.”
Shepausedaminute.
“Havetheyfoundhim?”sheaskedtimidly.
“No.”
“Thenhowdoyouknowaboutit?”sheaskedagain,hardlyaudiblyandagainafteraminute’spause.
Heturnedtoherandlookedveryintentlyather.
“Guess,”hesaid,withthesamedistortedhelplesssmile.
Ashudderpassedoverher.
“Butyou…whydoyoufrightenmelikethis?”shesaid,smilinglikeachild.
“Imustbeagreatfriendofhis...sinceIknow,”Raskolnikovwenton,stillgazingintoherface,asthoughhecouldnotturnhiseyesaway.
“He…didnotmeantokillthatLizaveta…he…killedheraccidentally….
Hemeanttokilltheoldwomanwhenshewasaloneandhewentthere…andthenLizavetacamein…hekilledhertoo.”
Anotherawfulmomentpassed.Bothstillgazedatoneanother.
“Youcan’tguess,then?”heaskedsuddenly,feelingasthoughhewereflinginghimselfdownfromasteeple.
“N-no…”whisperedSonia.
“Takeagoodlook.”
Assoonashehadsaidthisagain,thesamefamiliarsensationfrozehisheart.
HelookedatherandallatonceseemedtoseeinherfacethefaceofLizaveta.
HerememberedclearlytheexpressioninLizaveta’sface,whenheapproachedherwiththeaxeandshesteppedbacktothewall,puttingoutherhand,withchildishterrorinherface,lookingaslittlechildrendowhentheybegintobefrightenedofsomething,lookingintentlyanduneasilyatwhatfrightensthem,shrinkingbackandholdingouttheirlittlehandsonthepointofcrying.
AlmostthesamethinghappenednowtoSonia.
Withthesamehelplessnessandthesameterror,shelookedathimforawhileand,suddenlyputtingoutherlefthand,pressedherfingersfaintlyagainsthisbreastandslowlybegantogetupfromthebed,movingfurtherfromhimandkeepinghereyesfixedevenmoreimmovablyonhim.Herterrorinfectedhim.
Thesamefearshoweditselfonhisface.
Inthesamewayhestaredatherandalmostwiththesamechildishsmile.
“Haveyouguessed?”hewhisperedatlast.
“GoodGod!”brokeinanawfulwailfromherbosom.
Shesankhelplesslyonthebedwithherfaceinthepillows,butamomentlatershegotup,movedquicklytohim,seizedbothhishandsand,grippingthemtightinherthinfingers,beganlookingintohisfaceagainwiththesameintentstare.
Inthislastdesperatelookshetriedtolookintohimandcatchsomelasthope.
Buttherewasnohope;therewasnodoubtremaining;itwasalltrue!
Lateron,indeed,whensherecalledthatmoment,shethoughtitstrangeandwonderedwhyshehadseenatoncethattherewasnodoubt.
Shecouldnothavesaid,forinstance,thatshehadforeseensomethingofthesort—andyetnow,assoonashetoldher,shesuddenlyfanciedthatshehadreallyforeseenthisverything.
“Stop,Sonia,enough!don’ttortureme,”hebeggedhermiserably.
Itwasnotatall,notatalllikethishehadthoughtoftellingher,butthisishowithappened.
Shejumpedup,seemingnottoknowwhatshewasdoing,and,wringingherhands,walkedintothemiddleoftheroom;butquicklywentbackandsatdownagainbesidehim,hershoulderalmosttouchinghis.
Allofasuddenshestartedasthoughshehadbeenstabbed,utteredacryandfellonherkneesbeforehim,shedidnotknowwhy.
“Whathaveyoudone—whathaveyoudonetoyourself?”shesaidindespair,and,jumpingup,sheflungherselfonhisneck,threwherarmsroundhim,andheldhimtightly.
Raskolnikovdrewbackandlookedatherwithamournfulsmile.
“Youareastrangegirl,Sonia—youkissmeandhugmewhenItellyouaboutthat….Youdon’tthinkwhatyouaredoing.”
“Thereisnoone—nooneinthewholeworldnowsounhappyasyou!”shecriedinafrenzy,nothearingwhathesaid,andshesuddenlybrokeintoviolenthystericalweeping.
Afeelinglongunfamiliartohimfloodedhisheartandsofteneditatonce.Hedidnotstruggleagainstit.Twotearsstartedintohiseyesandhungonhiseyelashes.
“Thenyouwon’tleaveme,Sonia?”hesaid,lookingatheralmostwithhope.
“No,no,never,nowhere!”criedSonia.
“Iwillfollowyou,Iwillfollowyoueverywhere.Oh,myGod!Oh,howmiserableIam!...Why,whydidn’tIknowyoubefore!Whydidn’tyoucomebefore?Oh,dear!”
“HereIhavecome.”
“Yes,now!What’stobedonenow?...Together,together!”sherepeatedasitwereunconsciously,andshehuggedhimagain.“I’llfollowyoutoSiberia!”
Herecoiledatthis,andthesamehostile,almosthaughtysmilecametohislips.
“PerhapsIdon’twanttogotoSiberiayet,Sonia,”hesaid.
Sonialookedathimquickly.
Againafterherfirstpassionate,agonisingsympathyfortheunhappymantheterribleideaofthemurderoverwhelmedher.
Inhischangedtonesheseemedtohearthemurdererspeaking.Shelookedathimbewildered.
Sheknewnothingasyet,why,how,withwhatobjectithadbeen.
Nowallthesequestionsrushedatonceintohermind.
Andagainshecouldnotbelieveit:“He,heisamurderer!Coulditbetrue?”
“What’sthemeaningofit?WhereamI?”
shesaidincompletebewilderment,asthoughstillunabletorecoverherself.“Howcouldyou,you,amanlikeyou….Howcouldyoubringyourselftoit?...Whatdoesitmean?”
“Oh,well—toplunder.Leaveoff,Sonia,”heansweredwearily,almostwithvexation.
Soniastoodasthoughstruckdumb,butsuddenlyshecried:
“Youwerehungry!Itwas…tohelpyourmother?Yes?”
“No,Sonia,no,”hemuttered,turningawayandhanginghishead.“Iwasnotsohungry….Icertainlydidwanttohelpmymother,but…that’snottherealthingeither….Don’ttortureme,Sonia.”
Soniaclaspedherhands.
“Couldit,coulditallbetrue?GoodGod,whatatruth!Whocouldbelieveit?
Andhowcouldyougiveawayyourlastfarthingandyetrobandmurder!
Ah,”shecriedsuddenly,“thatmoneyyougaveKaterinaIvanovna…thatmoney….Canthatmoney…”
“No,Sonia,”hebrokeinhurriedly,“thatmoneywasnotit.Don’tworryyourself!
ThatmoneymymothersentmeanditcamewhenIwasill,thedayIgaveittoyou….
Razumihinsawit…hereceiveditforme….Thatmoneywasmine—myown.”
Sonialistenedtohiminbewildermentanddidherutmosttocomprehend.
“Andthatmoney….Idon’tevenknowreallywhethertherewasanymoney,”headdedsoftly,asthoughreflecting.
“Itookapurseoffherneck,madeofchamoisleather…apursestuffedfullofsomething…butIdidn’tlookinit;IsupposeIhadn’ttime….
Andthethings—chainsandtrinkets—IburiedunderastonewiththepursenextmorninginayardofftheV——Prospect.Theyarealltherenow….”
Soniastrainedeverynervetolisten.
“Thenwhy…why,yousaidyoudidittorob,butyoutooknothing?”sheaskedquickly,catchingatastraw.
“Idon’tknow….Ihaven’tyetdecidedwhethertotakethatmoneyornot,”hesaid,musingagain;and,seemingtowakeupwithastart,hegaveabriefironicalsmile.
“Ach,whatsillystuffIamtalking,eh?”
ThethoughtflashedthroughSonia’smind,wasn’themad?Butshedismisseditatonce.“No,itwassomethingelse.”Shecouldmakenothingofit,nothing.
“Doyouknow,Sonia,”hesaidsuddenlywithconviction,“letmetellyou:ifI’dsimplykilledbecauseIwashungry,”layingstressoneverywordandlookingenigmaticallybutsincerelyather,“Ishouldbehappynow.Youmustbelievethat!
Whatwoulditmattertoyou,”hecriedamomentlaterwithasortofdespair,“whatwoulditmattertoyouifIweretoconfessthatIdidwrong?
Whatdoyougainbysuchastupidtriumphoverme?
Ah,Sonia,wasitforthatI’vecometoyouto-day?”
AgainSoniatriedtosaysomething,butdidnotspeak.
“IaskedyoutogowithmeyesterdaybecauseyouareallIhaveleft.”
“Gowhere?”askedSoniatimidly.
“Nottostealandnottomurder,don’tbeanxious,”hesmiledbitterly.“Wearesodifferent….
Andyouknow,Sonia,it’sonlynow,onlythismomentthatIunderstandwhereIaskedyoutogowithmeyesterday!
YesterdaywhenIsaiditIdidnotknowwhere.
Iaskedyouforonething,Icametoyouforonething—nottoleaveme.Youwon’tleaveme,Sonia?”
Shesqueezedhishand.
“Andwhy,whydidItellher?WhydidIletherknow?”
hecriedaminutelaterindespair,lookingwithinfiniteanguishather.
“Hereyouexpectanexplanationfromme,Sonia;youaresittingandwaitingforit,Iseethat.ButwhatcanItellyou?
Youwon’tunderstandandwillonlysuffermisery…onmyaccount!
Well,youarecryingandembracingmeagain.Whydoyoudoit?
BecauseIcouldn’tbearmyburdenandhavecometothrowitonanother:yousuffertoo,andIshallfeelbetter!Andcanyoulovesuchameanwretch?”
“Butaren’tyousuffering,too?”criedSonia.
Againawaveofthesamefeelingsurgedintohisheart,andagainforaninstantsoftenedit.
“Sonia,Ihaveabadheart,takenoteofthat.Itmayexplainagreatdeal.IhavecomebecauseIambad.Therearemenwhowouldn’thavecome.ButIamacowardand…ameanwretch.But…nevermind!That’snotthepoint.
Imustspeaknow,butIdon’tknowhowtobegin.”
Hepausedandsankintothought.
“Ach,wearesodifferent,”hecriedagain,“wearenotalike.Andwhy,whydidIcome?Ishallneverforgivemyselfthat.”
“No,no,itwasagoodthingyoucame,”criedSonia.“It’sbetterIshouldknow,farbetter!”
Helookedatherwithanguish.
“Whatifitwerereallythat?”hesaid,asthoughreachingaconclusion.“Yes,that’swhatitwas!IwantedtobecomeaNapoleon,thatiswhyIkilledher….Doyouunderstandnow?”
“N-no,”Soniawhisperednaïvelyandtimidly.“Onlyspeak,speak,Ishallunderstand,Ishallunderstandinmyself!”shekeptbegginghim.
“You’llunderstand?Verywell,weshallsee!”Hepausedandwasforsometimelostinmeditation.
“Itwaslikethis:Iaskedmyselfonedaythisquestion—whatifNapoleon,forinstance,hadhappenedtobeinmyplace,andifhehadnothadToulonnorEgyptnorthepassageofMontBlanctobeginhiscareerwith,butinsteadofallthosepicturesqueandmonumentalthings,therehadsimplybeensomeridiculousoldhag,apawnbroker,whohadtobemurderedtootogetmoneyfromhertrunk(forhiscareer,youunderstand).
Well,wouldhehavebroughthimselftothatiftherehadbeennoothermeans?
Wouldn’thehavefeltapangatitsbeingsofarfrommonumentaland…andsinful,too?
Well,ImusttellyouthatIworriedmyselffearfullyoverthat‘question’sothatIwasawfullyashamedwhenIguessedatlast(allofasudden,somehow)thatitwouldnothavegivenhimtheleastpang,thatitwouldnotevenhavestruckhimthatitwasnotmonumental…thathewouldnothaveseenthattherewasanythinginittopauseover,andthat,ifhehadhadnootherway,hewouldhavestrangledherinaminutewithoutthinkingaboutit!
Well,Itoo…leftoffthinkingaboutit…murderedher,followinghisexample.Andthat’sexactlyhowitwas!Doyouthinkitfunny?
Yes,Sonia,thefunniestthingofallisthatperhapsthat’sjusthowitwas.”
Soniadidnotthinkitatallfunny.
“Youhadbettertellmestraightout…withoutexamples,”shebegged,stillmoretimidlyandscarcelyaudibly.
Heturnedtoher,lookedsadlyatherandtookherhands.
“Youarerightagain,Sonia.Ofcoursethat’sallnonsense,it’salmostalltalk!
Yousee,youknowofcoursethatmymotherhasscarcelyanything,mysisterhappenedtohaveagoodeducationandwascondemnedtodrudgeasagoverness.Alltheirhopeswerecenteredonme.
Iwasastudent,butIcouldn’tkeepmyselfattheuniversityandwasforcedforatimetoleaveit.
EvenifIhadlingeredonlikethat,intenortwelveyearsImight(withluck)hopetobesomesortofteacherorclerkwithasalaryofathousandroubles”(herepeateditasthoughitwerealesson)“andbythattimemymotherwouldbewornoutwithgriefandanxietyandIcouldnotsucceedinkeepingherincomfortwhilemysister…well,mysistermightwellhavefaredworse!
Andit’sahardthingtopasseverythingbyallone’slife,toturnone’sbackuponeverything,toforgetone’smotheranddecorouslyaccepttheinsultsinflictedonone’ssister.Whyshouldone?
Whenonehasburiedthemtoburdenoneselfwithothers—wifeandchildren—andtoleavethemagainwithoutafarthing?
SoIresolvedtogainpossessionoftheoldwoman’smoneyandtouseitformyfirstyearswithoutworryingmymother,tokeepmyselfattheuniversityandforalittlewhileafterleavingit—andtodothisallonabroad,thoroughscale,soastobuildupacompletelynewcareerandenteruponanewlifeofindependence….Well…that’sall….
Well,ofcourseinkillingtheoldwomanIdidwrong….Well,that’senough.”
Hestruggledtotheendofhisspeechinexhaustionandlethisheadsink.
“Oh,that’snotit,that’snotit,”Soniacriedindistress.“Howcouldone…no,that’snotright,notright.”
“Youseeyourselfthatit’snotright.ButI’vespokentruly,it’sthetruth.”
“Asthoughthatcouldbethetruth!GoodGod!”
“I’veonlykilledalouse,Sonia,auseless,loathsome,harmfulcreature.”
“Ahumanbeing—alouse!”
“Itooknowitwasn’talouse,”heanswered,lookingstrangelyather.
“ButIamtalkingnonsense,Sonia,”headded.
“I’vebeentalkingnonsensealongtime….That’snotit,youarerightthere.
Therewerequite,quiteothercausesforit!
Ihaven’ttalkedtoanyoneforsolong,Sonia….Myheadachesdreadfullynow.”
Hiseyesshonewithfeverishbrilliance.
Hewasalmostdelirious;anuneasysmilestrayedonhislips.
Histerribleexhaustioncouldbeseenthroughhisexcitement.Soniasawhowhewassuffering.Shetoowasgrowingdizzy.
Andhetalkedsostrangely;itseemedsomehowcomprehensible,butyet…“Buthow,how!GoodGod!”Andshewrungherhandsindespair.
“No,Sonia,that’snotit,”hebeganagainsuddenly,raisinghishead,asthoughanewandsuddentrainofthoughthadstruckandasitwererousedhim—”that’snotit!
Better…imagine—yes,it’scertainlybetter—imaginethatIamvain,envious,malicious,base,vindictiveand…well,perhapswithatendencytoinsanity.(Let’shaveitalloutatonce!
They’vetalkedofmadnessalready,Inoticed.)
ItoldyoujustnowIcouldnotkeepmyselfattheuniversity.
ButdoyouknowthatperhapsImighthavedone?
MymotherwouldhavesentmewhatIneededforthefeesandIcouldhaveearnedenoughforclothes,bootsandfood,nodoubt.Lessonshadturnedupathalfarouble.Razumihinworks!ButIturnedsulkyandwouldn’t.
(Yes,sulkiness,that’stherightwordforit!)Isatinmyroomlikeaspider.You’vebeeninmyden,you’veseenit….
Anddoyouknow,Sonia,thatlowceilingsandtinyroomscrampthesoulandthemind?Ah,howIhatedthatgarret!AndyetIwouldn’tgooutofit!Iwouldn’tonpurpose!
Ididn’tgooutfordaystogether,andIwouldn’twork,Iwouldn’teveneat,Ijustlaytheredoingnothing.
IfNastasyabroughtmeanything,Iateit,ifshedidn’t,Iwentalldaywithout;Iwouldn’task,onpurpose,fromsulkiness!
AtnightIhadnolight,IlayinthedarkandIwouldn’tearnmoneyforcandles.
Ioughttohavestudied,butIsoldmybooks;andthedustliesaninchthickonthenotebooksonmytable.Ipreferredlyingstillandthinking.AndIkeptthinking….
AndIhaddreamsallthetime,strangedreamsofallsorts,noneedtodescribe!
OnlythenIbegantofancythat…No,that’snotit!AgainIamtellingyouwrong!
YouseeIkeptaskingmyselfthen:whyamIsostupidthatifothersarestupid—andIknowtheyare—yetIwon’tbewiser?
ThenIsaw,Sonia,thatifonewaitsforeveryonetogetwiseritwilltaketoolong….
AfterwardsIunderstoodthatthatwouldnevercometopass,thatmenwon’tchangeandthatnobodycanalteritandthatit’snotworthwastingeffortoverit.Yes,that’sso.
That’sthelawoftheirnature,Sonia,...that’sso!
...AndIknownow,Sonia,thatwhoeverisstronginmindandspiritwillhavepoweroverthem.
Anyonewhoisgreatlydaringisrightintheireyes.
Hewhodespisesmostthingswillbealawgiveramongthemandhewhodaresmostofallwillbemostintheright!
Soithasbeentillnowandsoitwillalwaysbe.Amanmustbeblindnottoseeit!”
ThoughRaskolnikovlookedatSoniaashesaidthis,henolongercaredwhethersheunderstoodornot.
Thefeverhadcompleteholdofhim;hewasinasortofgloomyecstasy(hecertainlyhadbeentoolongwithouttalkingtoanyone).
Soniafeltthathisgloomycreedhadbecomehisfaithandcode.
“Idivinedthen,Sonia,”hewentoneagerly,“thatpowerisonlyvouchsafedtothemanwhodarestostoopandpickitup.
Thereisonlyonething,onethingneedful:onehasonlytodare!
Thenforthefirsttimeinmylifeanideatookshapeinmymindwhichnoonehadeverthoughtofbeforeme,noone!
Isawclearasdaylighthowstrangeitisthatnotasinglepersonlivinginthismadworldhashadthedaringtogostraightforitallandsenditflyingtothedevil!
I…Iwantedtohavethedaring...andIkilledher.
Ionlywantedtohavethedaring,Sonia!Thatwasthewholecauseofit!”
“Ohhush,hush,”criedSonia,claspingherhands.“YouturnedawayfromGodandGodhassmittenyou,hasgivenyouovertothedevil!”
“ThenSonia,whenIusedtoliethereinthedarkandallthisbecamecleartome,wasitatemptationofthedevil,eh?”
“Hush,don’tlaugh,blasphemer!Youdon’tunderstand,youdon’tunderstand!OhGod!Hewon’tunderstand!”
“Hush,Sonia!Iamnotlaughing.
Iknowmyselfthatitwasthedevilleadingme.Hush,Sonia,hush!”herepeatedwithgloomyinsistence.
“Iknowitall,Ihavethoughtitalloverandoverandwhispereditallovertomyself,lyingthereinthedark….
I’veargueditalloverwithmyself,everypointofit,andIknowitall,all!
Andhowsick,howsickIwasthenofgoingoveritall!
Ihavekeptwantingtoforgetitandmakeanewbeginning,Sonia,andleaveoffthinking.
Andyoudon’tsupposethatIwentintoitheadlonglikeafool?
Iwentintoitlikeawiseman,andthatwasjustmydestruction.
Andyoumustn’tsupposethatIdidn’tknow,forinstance,thatifIbegantoquestionmyselfwhetherIhadtherighttogainpower—Icertainlyhadn’ttheright—orthatifIaskedmyselfwhetherahumanbeingisalouseitprovedthatitwasn’tsoforme,thoughitmightbeforamanwhowouldgostraighttohisgoalwithoutaskingquestions….
IfIworriedmyselfallthosedays,wonderingwhetherNapoleonwouldhavedoneitornot,IfeltclearlyofcoursethatIwasn’tNapoleon.
Ihadtoendurealltheagonyofthatbattleofideas,Sonia,andIlongedtothrowitoff:Iwantedtomurderwithoutcasuistry,tomurderformyownsake,formyselfalone!
Ididn’twanttolieaboutiteventomyself.
Itwasn’ttohelpmymotherIdidthemurder—that’snonsense—Ididn’tdothemurdertogainwealthandpowerandtobecomeabenefactorofmankind.Nonsense!
Isimplydidit;Ididthemurderformyself,formyselfalone,andwhetherIbecameabenefactortoothers,orspentmylifelikeaspidercatchingmeninmywebandsuckingthelifeoutofmen,Icouldn’thavecaredatthatmoment….
AnditwasnotthemoneyIwanted,Sonia,whenIdidit.
ItwasnotsomuchthemoneyIwanted,butsomethingelse….Iknowitallnow….Understandme!
PerhapsIshouldneverhavecommittedamurderagain.
Iwantedtofindoutsomethingelse;itwassomethingelseledmeon.
IwantedtofindoutthenandquicklywhetherIwasalouselikeeverybodyelseoraman.
WhetherIcanstepoverbarriersornot,whetherIdarestooptopickupornot,whetherIamatremblingcreatureorwhetherIhavetheright...”
“Tokill?Havetherighttokill?”Soniaclaspedherhands.
“Ach,Sonia!”hecriedirritablyandseemedabouttomakesomeretort,butwascontemptuouslysilent.“Don’tinterruptme,Sonia.
Iwanttoproveonethingonly,thatthedevilledmeonthenandhehasshownmesincethatIhadnottherighttotakethatpath,becauseIamjustsuchalouseasalltherest.
HewasmockingmeandhereI’vecometoyounow!Welcomeyourguest!
IfIwerenotalouse,shouldIhavecometoyou?
Listen:whenIwentthentotheoldwoman’sIonlywenttotry....Youmaybesureofthat!”
“Andyoumurderedher!”
“ButhowdidImurderher?Isthathowmendomurders?
DomengotocommitamurderasIwentthen?IwilltellyousomedayhowIwent!DidImurdertheoldwoman?Imurderedmyself,nother!
Icrushedmyselfonceforall,forever….
Butitwasthedevilthatkilledthatoldwoman,notI.Enough,enough,Sonia,enough!Letmebe!”
hecriedinasuddenspasmofagony,“letmebe!”
Heleanedhiselbowsonhiskneesandsqueezedhisheadinhishandsasinavise.
“Whatsuffering!”AwailofanguishbrokefromSonia.
“Well,whatamItodonow?”heasked,suddenlyraisinghisheadandlookingatherwithafacehideouslydistortedbydespair.
“Whatareyoutodo?”shecried,jumpingup,andhereyesthathadbeenfulloftearssuddenlybegantoshine.“Standup!”
(Sheseizedhimbytheshoulder,hegotup,lookingatheralmostbewildered.)
“Goatonce,thisveryminute,standatthecross-roads,bowdown,firstkisstheearthwhichyouhavedefiledandthenbowdowntoalltheworldandsaytoallmenaloud,‘Iamamurderer!’ThenGodwillsendyoulifeagain.Willyougo,willyougo?”
sheaskedhim,tremblingallover,snatchinghistwohands,squeezingthemtightinhersandgazingathimwitheyesfulloffire.
Hewasamazedathersuddenecstasy.
“YoumeanSiberia,Sonia?Imustgivemyselfup?”heaskedgloomily.
“Sufferandexpiateyoursinbyit,that’swhatyoumustdo.”
“No!Iamnotgoingtothem,Sonia!”
“Buthowwillyougoonliving?Whatwillyoulivefor?”criedSonia,“howisitpossiblenow?Why,howcanyoutalktoyourmother?(Oh,whatwillbecomeofthemnow?)ButwhatamIsaying?
Youhaveabandonedyourmotherandyoursisteralready.Hehasabandonedthemalready!Oh,God!”
shecried,“why,heknowsitallhimself.How,howcanhelivebyhimself!Whatwillbecomeofyounow?”
“Don’tbeachild,Sonia,”hesaidsoftly.“WhatwronghaveIdonethem?WhyshouldIgotothem?WhatshouldIsaytothem?That’sonlyaphantom….
Theydestroymenbymillionsthemselvesandlookonitasavirtue.Theyareknavesandscoundrels,Sonia!Iamnotgoingtothem.
AndwhatshouldIsaytothem—thatImurderedher,butdidnotdaretotakethemoneyandhiditunderastone?”headdedwithabittersmile.
“Why,theywouldlaughatme,andwouldcallmeafoolfornotgettingit.Acowardandafool!
Theywouldn’tunderstandandtheydon’tdeservetounderstand.WhyshouldIgotothem?Iwon’t.Don’tbeachild,Sonia….”
“Itwillbetoomuchforyoutobear,toomuch!”sherepeated,holdingoutherhandsindespairingsupplication.
“PerhapsI’vebeenunfairtomyself,”heobservedgloomily,pondering,“perhapsafterallIamamanandnotalouseandI’vebeenintoogreatahurrytocondemnmyself.I’llmakeanotherfightforit.”
Ahaughtysmileappearedonhislips.
“Whataburdentobear!Andyourwholelife,yourwholelife!”
“Ishallgetusedtoit,”hesaidgrimlyandthoughtfully.
“Listen,”hebeganaminutelater,“stopcrying,it’stimetotalkofthefacts:I’vecometotellyouthatthepoliceareafterme,onmytrack….”
“Ach!”Soniacriedinterror.
“Well,whydoyoucryout?YouwantmetogotoSiberiaandnowyouarefrightened?
Butletmetellyou:Ishallnotgivemyselfup.
Ishallmakeastruggleforitandtheywon’tdoanythingtome.They’venorealevidence.
YesterdayIwasingreatdangerandbelievedIwaslost;butto-daythingsaregoingbetter.
Allthefactstheyknowcanbeexplainedtwoways,that’stosayIcanturntheiraccusationstomycredit,doyouunderstand?AndIshall,forI’velearntmylesson.Buttheywillcertainlyarrestme.
Ifithadnotbeenforsomethingthathappened,theywouldhavedonesoto-dayforcertain;perhapsevennowtheywillarrestmeto-day….
Butthat’snomatter,Sonia;they’llletmeoutagain…forthereisn’tanyrealproofagainstme,andtherewon’tbe,Igiveyoumywordforit.
Andtheycan’tconvictamanonwhattheyhaveagainstme.Enough….Ionlytellyouthatyoumayknow….
Iwilltrytomanagesomehowtoputittomymotherandsistersothattheywon’tbefrightened….
Mysister’sfutureissecure,however,now,Ibelieve…andmymother’smustbetoo….Well,that’sall.Becareful,though.
WillyoucomeandseemeinprisonwhenIamthere?”
“Oh,Iwill,Iwill.”
Theysatsidebyside,bothmournfulanddejected,asthoughtheyhadbeencastupbythetempestaloneonsomedesertedshore.
HelookedatSoniaandfelthowgreatwasherloveforhim,andstrangetosayhefeltitsuddenlyburdensomeandpainfultobesoloved.
Yes,itwasastrangeandawfulsensation!
OnhiswaytoseeSoniahehadfeltthatallhishopesrestedonher;heexpectedtoberidofatleastpartofhissuffering,andnow,whenallherheartturnedtowardshim,hesuddenlyfeltthathewasimmeasurablyunhappierthanbefore.
“Sonia,”hesaid,“you’dbetternotcomeandseemewhenIaminprison.”
Soniadidnotanswer,shewascrying.Severalminutespassed.
“Haveyouacrossonyou?”sheasked,asthoughsuddenlythinkingofit.
Hedidnotatfirstunderstandthequestion.
“No,ofcoursenot.Here,takethisone,ofcypresswood.
Ihaveanother,acopperonethatbelongedtoLizaveta.
IchangedwithLizaveta:shegavemehercrossandIgavehermylittleikon.
IwillwearLizaveta’snowandgiveyouthis.Takeit…it’smine!It’smine,youknow,”shebeggedhim.
“Wewillgotosuffertogether,andtogetherwewillbearourcross!”
“Giveitme,”saidRaskolnikov.
Hedidnotwanttohurtherfeelings.Butimmediatelyhedrewbackthehandheheldoutforthecross.
“Notnow,Sonia.Betterlater,”headdedtocomforther.
“Yes,yes,better,”sherepeatedwithconviction,“whenyougotomeetyoursuffering,thenputiton.Youwillcometome,I’llputitonyou,wewillprayandgotogether.”
Atthatmomentsomeoneknockedthreetimesatthedoor.
“SofyaSemyonovna,mayIcomein?”theyheardinaveryfamiliarandpolitevoice.
Soniarushedtothedoorinafright.TheflaxenheadofMr.Lebeziatnikovappearedatthedoor.
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