English
“Ofcourse,I’vebeenmeaninglatelytogotoRazumihin’stoaskforwork,toaskhimtogetmelessonsorsomething…”Raskolnikovthought,“butwhathelpcanhebetomenow?
Supposehegetsmelessons,supposeheshareshislastfarthingwithme,ifhehasanyfarthings,sothatIcouldgetsomebootsandmakemyselftidyenoughtogivelessons…hm…Wellandwhatthen?
WhatshallIdowiththefewcoppersIearn?That’snotwhatIwantnow.
It’sreallyabsurdformetogotoRazumihin….”
ThequestionwhyhewasnowgoingtoRazumihinagitatedhimevenmorethanhewashimselfaware;hekeptuneasilyseekingforsomesinistersignificanceinthisapparentlyordinaryaction.
“CouldIhaveexpectedtosetitallstraightandtofindawayoutbymeansofRazumihinalone?”heaskedhimselfinperplexity.
Heponderedandrubbedhisforehead,and,strangetosay,afterlongmusing,suddenly,asifitwerespontaneouslyandbychance,afantasticthoughtcameintohishead.
“Hm…toRazumihin’s,”hesaidallatonce,calmly,asthoughhehadreachedafinaldetermination.
“IshallgotoRazumihin’sofcourse,but…notnow.
Ishallgotohim…onthenextdayafterIt,whenItwillbeoverandeverythingwillbeginafresh….”
Andsuddenlyherealisedwhathewasthinking.
“AfterIt,”heshouted,jumpingupfromtheseat,“butisItreallygoingtohappen?Isitpossibleitreallywillhappen?”
Helefttheseat,andwentoffalmostatarun;hemeanttoturnback,homewards,butthethoughtofgoinghomesuddenlyfilledhimwithintenseloathing;inthathole,inthatawfullittlecupboardofhis,allthishadforamonthpastbeengrowingupinhim;andhewalkedonatrandom.
Hisnervousshudderhadpassedintoafeverthatmadehimfeelshivering;inspiteoftheheathefeltcold.
Withakindofefforthebeganalmostunconsciously,fromsomeinnercraving,tostareatalltheobjectsbeforehim,asthoughlookingforsomethingtodistracthisattention;buthedidnotsucceed,andkeptdroppingeverymomentintobrooding.
Whenwithastartheliftedhisheadagainandlookedround,heforgotatoncewhathehadjustbeenthinkingaboutandevenwherehewasgoing.
InthiswayhewalkedrightacrossVassilyevskyOstrov,cameoutontotheLesserNeva,crossedthebridgeandturnedtowardstheislands.
Thegreennessandfreshnesswereatfirstrestfultohiswearyeyesafterthedustofthetownandthehugehousesthathemmedhiminandweigheduponhim.
Heretherewerenotaverns,nostiflingcloseness,nostench.
Butsoonthesenewpleasantsensationspassedintomorbidirritability.
Sometimeshestoodstillbeforeabrightlypaintedsummervillastandingamonggreenfoliage,hegazedthroughthefence,hesawinthedistancesmartlydressedwomenontheverandahsandbalconies,andchildrenrunninginthegardens.
Theflowersespeciallycaughthisattention;hegazedatthemlongerthanatanything.
Hewasmet,too,byluxuriouscarriagesandbymenandwomenonhorseback;hewatchedthemwithcuriouseyesandforgotaboutthembeforetheyhadvanishedfromhissight.
Oncehestoodstillandcountedhismoney;hefoundhehadthirtycopecks.
“Twentytothepoliceman,threetoNastasyafortheletter,soImusthavegivenforty-sevenorfiftytotheMarmeladovsyesterday,”hethought,reckoningitupforsomeunknownreason,buthesoonforgotwithwhatobjecthehadtakenthemoneyoutofhispocket.
Herecalleditonpassinganeating-houseortavern,andfeltthathewashungry….
Goingintothetavernhedrankaglassofvodkaandateapieofsomesort.
Hefinishedeatingitashewalkedaway.
Itwasalongwhilesincehehadtakenvodkaandithadaneffectuponhimatonce,thoughheonlydrankawineglassful.
Hislegsfeltsuddenlyheavyandagreatdrowsinesscameuponhim.
Heturnedhomewards,butreachingPetrovskyOstrovhestoppedcompletelyexhausted,turnedofftheroadintothebushes,sankdownuponthegrassandinstantlyfellasleep.
Inamorbidconditionofthebrain,dreamsoftenhaveasingularactuality,vividness,andextraordinarysemblanceofreality.
Attimesmonstrousimagesarecreated,butthesettingandthewholepicturearesotruth-likeandfilledwithdetailssodelicate,sounexpectedly,butsoartisticallyconsistent,thatthedreamer,wereheanartistlikePushkinorTurgeneveven,couldneverhaveinventedtheminthewakingstate.
Suchsickdreamsalwaysremainlonginthememoryandmakeapowerfulimpressionontheoverwroughtandderangednervoussystem.
Raskolnikovhadafearfuldream.Hedreamthewasbackinhischildhoodinthelittletownofhisbirth.
Hewasachildaboutsevenyearsold,walkingintothecountrywithhisfatherontheeveningofaholiday.
Itwasagreyandheavyday,thecountrywasexactlyasherememberedit;indeedherecalleditfarmorevividlyinhisdreamthanhehaddoneinmemory.
Thelittletownstoodonalevelflatasbareasthehand,notevenawillownearit;onlyinthefardistance,acopselay,adarkblurontheveryedgeofthehorizon.
Afewpacesbeyondthelastmarketgardenstoodatavern,abigtavern,whichhadalwaysarousedinhimafeelingofaversion,evenoffear,whenhewalkedbyitwithhisfather.
Therewasalwaysacrowdthere,alwaysshouting,laughterandabuse,hideoushoarsesingingandoftenfighting.
Drunkenandhorrible-lookingfigureswerehangingaboutthetavern.
Heusedtoclingclosetohisfather,tremblingalloverwhenhemetthem.
Nearthetaverntheroadbecameadustytrack,thedustofwhichwasalwaysblack.
Itwasawindingroad,andaboutahundredpacesfurtheron,itturnedtotherighttothegraveyard.
Inthemiddleofthegraveyardstoodastonechurchwithagreencupolawhereheusedtogotomasstwoorthreetimesayearwithhisfatherandmother,whenaservicewasheldinmemoryofhisgrandmother,whohadlongbeendead,andwhomhehadneverseen.
Ontheseoccasionstheyusedtotakeonawhitedishtiedupinatablenapkinaspecialsortofricepuddingwithraisinsstuckinitintheshapeofacross.
Helovedthatchurch,theold-fashioned,unadornedikonsandtheoldpriestwiththeshakinghead.
Nearhisgrandmother’sgrave,whichwasmarkedbyastone,wasthelittlegraveofhisyoungerbrotherwhohaddiedatsixmonthsold.
Hedidnotrememberhimatall,buthehadbeentoldabouthislittlebrother,andwheneverhevisitedthegraveyardheusedreligiouslyandreverentlytocrosshimselfandtobowdownandkissthelittlegrave.
Andnowhedreamtthathewaswalkingwithhisfatherpastthetavernonthewaytothegraveyard;hewasholdinghisfather’shandandlookingwithdreadatthetavern.
Apeculiarcircumstanceattractedhisattention:thereseemedtobesomekindoffestivitygoingon,therewerecrowdsofgailydressedtownspeople,peasantwomen,theirhusbands,andriff-raffofallsorts,allsingingandallmoreorlessdrunk.
Neartheentranceofthetavernstoodacart,butastrangecart.
Itwasoneofthosebigcartsusuallydrawnbyheavycart-horsesandladenwithcasksofwineorotherheavygoods.
Healwayslikedlookingatthosegreatcart-horses,withtheirlongmanes,thicklegs,andslowevenpace,drawingalongaperfectmountainwithnoappearanceofeffort,asthoughitwereeasiergoingwithaloadthanwithoutit.
Butnow,strangetosay,intheshaftsofsuchacarthesawathinlittlesorrelbeast,oneofthosepeasants’nagswhichhehadoftenseenstrainingtheirutmostunderaheavyloadofwoodorhay,especiallywhenthewheelswerestuckinthemudorinarut.
Andthepeasantswouldbeatthemsocruelly,sometimesevenaboutthenoseandeyes,andhefeltsosorry,sosorryforthemthathealmostcried,andhismotheralwaysusedtotakehimawayfromthewindow.
Allofasuddentherewasagreatuproarofshouting,singingandthebalalaïka,andfromthetavernanumberofbigandverydrunkenpeasantscameout,wearingredandblueshirtsandcoatsthrownovertheirshoulders.
“Getin,getin!”shoutedoneofthem,ayoungthick-neckedpeasantwithafleshyfaceredasacarrot.“I’lltakeyouall,getin!”
Butatoncetherewasanoutbreakoflaughterandexclamationsinthecrowd.
“Takeusallwithabeastlikethat!”
“Why,Mikolka,areyoucrazytoputanaglikethatinsuchacart?”
“Andthismareistwentyifsheisaday,mates!”
“Getin,I’lltakeyouall,”Mikolkashoutedagain,leapingfirstintothecart,seizingthereinsandstandingstraightupinfront.
“ThebayhasgonewithMatvey,”heshoutedfromthecart—”andthisbrute,mates,isjustbreakingmyheart,IfeelasifIcouldkillher.She’sjusteatingherheadoff.Getin,Itellyou!I’llmakehergallop!She’llgallop!”
andhepickedupthewhip,preparinghimselfwithrelishtoflogthelittlemare.
“Getin!Comealong!”Thecrowdlaughed.“D’youhear,she’llgallop!”
“Gallopindeed!Shehasnothadagallopinherforthelasttenyears!”
“She’lljogalong!”
“Don’tyoumindher,mates,bringawhipeachofyou,getready!”
“Allright!Giveittoher!”
TheyallclamberedintoMikolka’scart,laughingandmakingjokes.
Sixmengotinandtherewasstillroomformore.
Theyhauledinafat,rosy-cheekedwoman.
Shewasdressedinredcotton,inapointed,beadedheaddressandthickleathershoes;shewascrackingnutsandlaughing.
Thecrowdroundthemwaslaughingtooandindeed,howcouldtheyhelplaughing?
Thatwretchednagwastodragallthecartloadofthematagallop!
TwoyoungfellowsinthecartwerejustgettingwhipsreadytohelpMikolka.
Withthecryof“now,”themaretuggedwithallhermight,butfarfromgalloping,couldscarcelymoveforward;shestruggledwithherlegs,gaspingandshrinkingfromtheblowsofthethreewhipswhichwereshowereduponherlikehail.
Thelaughterinthecartandinthecrowdwasredoubled,butMikolkaflewintoarageandfuriouslythrashedthemare,asthoughhesupposedshereallycouldgallop.
“Letmegetin,too,mates,”shoutedayoungmaninthecrowdwhoseappetitewasaroused.
“Getin,allgetin,”criedMikolka,“shewilldrawyouall.I’llbeathertodeath!”Andhethrashedandthrashedatthemare,besidehimselfwithfury.
“Father,father,”hecried,“father,whataretheydoing?Father,theyarebeatingthepoorhorse!”
“Comealong,comealong!”saidhisfather.
“Theyaredrunkenandfoolish,theyareinfun;comeaway,don’tlook!”
andhetriedtodrawhimaway,buthetorehimselfawayfromhishand,and,besidehimselfwithhorror,rantothehorse.Thepoorbeastwasinabadway.
Shewasgasping,standingstill,thentuggingagainandalmostfalling.
“Beathertodeath,”criedMikolka,“it’scometothat.I’lldoforher!”
“Whatareyouabout,areyouaChristian,youdevil?”shoutedanoldmaninthecrowd.
“Didanyoneeverseethelike?Awretchednaglikethatpullingsuchacartload,”saidanother.
“You’llkillher,”shoutedthethird.
“Don’tmeddle!It’smyproperty,I’lldowhatIchoose.Getin,moreofyou!Getin,allofyou!Iwillhavehergoatagallop!...”
Allatoncelaughterbrokeintoaroarandcoveredeverything:themare,rousedbytheshowerofblows,beganfeeblykicking.
Eventheoldmancouldnothelpsmiling.
Tothinkofawretchedlittlebeastlikethattryingtokick!
Twoladsinthecrowdsnatchedupwhipsandrantothemaretobeatherabouttheribs.Oneraneachside.
“Hitherintheface,intheeyes,intheeyes,”criedMikolka.
“Giveusasong,mates,”shoutedsomeoneinthecartandeveryoneinthecartjoinedinariotoussong,jinglingatambourineandwhistling.Thewomanwentoncrackingnutsandlaughing.
...Heranbesidethemare,raninfrontofher,sawherbeingwhippedacrosstheeyes,rightintheeyes!
Hewascrying,hefeltchoking,histearswerestreaming.
Oneofthemengavehimacutwiththewhipacrosstheface,hedidnotfeelit.
Wringinghishandsandscreaming,herusheduptothegrey-headedoldmanwiththegreybeard,whowasshakinghisheadindisapproval.
Onewomanseizedhimbythehandandwouldhavetakenhimaway,buthetorehimselffromherandranbacktothemare.
Shewasalmostatthelastgasp,butbegankickingoncemore.
“I’llteachyoutokick,”Mikolkashoutedferociously.
Hethrewdownthewhip,bentforwardandpickedupfromthebottomofthecartalong,thickshaft,hetookholdofoneendwithbothhandsandwithaneffortbrandisheditoverthemare.
“He’llcrushher,”wasshoutedroundhim.“He’llkillher!”
“It’smyproperty,”shoutedMikolkaandbroughttheshaftdownwithaswingingblow.Therewasasoundofaheavythud.
“Thrashher,thrashher!Whyhaveyoustopped?”shoutedvoicesinthecrowd.
AndMikolkaswungtheshaftasecondtimeanditfellasecondtimeonthespineofthelucklessmare.
Shesankbackonherhaunches,butlurchedforwardandtuggedforwardwithallherforce,tuggedfirstononesideandthenontheother,tryingtomovethecart.
Butthesixwhipswereattackingherinalldirections,andtheshaftwasraisedagainandfelluponherathirdtime,thenafourth,withheavymeasuredblows.
Mikolkawasinafurythathecouldnotkillheratoneblow.
“She’satoughone,”wasshoutedinthecrowd.
“She’llfallinaminute,mates,therewillsoonbeanendofher,”saidanadmiringspectatorinthecrowd.
“Fetchanaxetoher!Finishheroff,”shoutedathird.
“I’llshowyou!Standoff,”Mikolkascreamedfrantically;hethrewdowntheshaft,stoopeddowninthecartandpickedupanironcrowbar.
“Lookout,”heshouted,andwithallhismighthedealtastunningblowatthepoormare.
Theblowfell;themarestaggered,sankback,triedtopull,butthebarfellagainwithaswingingblowonherbackandshefellonthegroundlikealog.
“Finishheroff,”shoutedMikolkaandheleaptbesidehimself,outofthecart.
Severalyoungmen,alsoflushedwithdrink,seizedanythingtheycouldcomeacross—whips,sticks,poles,andrantothedyingmare.
Mikolkastoodononesideandbegandealingrandomblowswiththecrowbar.
Themarestretchedoutherhead,drewalongbreathanddied.
“Youbutcheredher,”someoneshoutedinthecrowd.
“Whywouldn’tshegallopthen?”
“Myproperty!”shoutedMikolka,withbloodshoteyes,brandishingthebarinhishands.Hestoodasthoughregrettingthathehadnothingmoretobeat.
“Nomistakeaboutit,youarenotaChristian,”manyvoiceswereshoutinginthecrowd.
Butthepoorboy,besidehimself,madehisway,screaming,throughthecrowdtothesorrelnag,puthisarmsroundherbleedingdeadheadandkissedit,kissedtheeyesandkissedthelips….
ThenhejumpedupandflewinafrenzywithhislittlefistsoutatMikolka.
Atthatinstanthisfather,whohadbeenrunningafterhim,snatchedhimupandcarriedhimoutofthecrowd.
“Comealong,come!Letusgohome,”hesaidtohim.
“Father!Whydidthey…kill…thepoorhorse!”hesobbed,buthisvoicebrokeandthewordscameinshrieksfromhispantingchest.
“Theyaredrunk….Theyarebrutal…it’snotourbusiness!”saidhisfather.Heputhisarmsroundhisfatherbuthefeltchoked,choked.Hetriedtodrawabreath,tocryout—andwokeup.
Hewakedup,gaspingforbreath,hishairsoakedwithperspiration,andstoodupinterror.
“ThankGod,thatwasonlyadream,”hesaid,sittingdownunderatreeanddrawingdeepbreaths.“Butwhatisit?Isitsomefevercomingon?Suchahideousdream!”
Hefeltutterlybroken:darknessandconfusionwereinhissoul.Herestedhiselbowsonhiskneesandleanedhisheadonhishands.
“GoodGod!”hecried,“canitbe,canitbe,thatIshallreallytakeanaxe,thatIshallstrikeheronthehead,splitherskullopen…thatIshalltreadinthestickywarmblood,breakthelock,stealandtremble;hide,allspatteredintheblood…withtheaxe….GoodGod,canitbe?”
Hewasshakinglikealeafashesaidthis.
“ButwhyamIgoingonlikethis?”hecontinued,sittingupagain,asitwereinprofoundamazement.
“IknewthatIcouldneverbringmyselftoit,sowhathaveIbeentorturingmyselffortillnow?
Yesterday,yesterday,whenIwenttomakethat…experiment,yesterdayIrealisedcompletelythatIcouldneverbeartodoit….WhyamIgoingoveritagain,then?WhyamIhesitating?
AsIcamedownthestairsyesterday,Isaidmyselfthatitwasbase,loathsome,vile,vile…theverythoughtofitmademefeelsickandfilledmewithhorror.
“No,Icouldn’tdoit,Icouldn’tdoit!
Granted,grantedthatthereisnoflawinallthatreasoning,thatallthatIhaveconcludedthislastmonthisclearasday,trueasarithmetic….MyGod!AnywayIcouldn’tbringmyselftoit!Icouldn’tdoit,Icouldn’tdoit!Why,whythenamIstill…?”
Herosetohisfeet,lookedroundinwonderasthoughsurprisedatfindinghimselfinthisplace,andwenttowardsthebridge.
Hewaspale,hiseyesglowed,hewasexhaustedineverylimb,butheseemedsuddenlytobreathemoreeasily.
Hefelthehadcastoffthatfearfulburdenthathadsolongbeenweighinguponhim,andallatoncetherewasasenseofreliefandpeaceinhissoul.
“Lord,”heprayed,“showmemypath—Irenouncethataccursed…dreamofmine.”
Crossingthebridge,hegazedquietlyandcalmlyattheNeva,attheglowingredsunsettingintheglowingsky.
Inspiteofhisweaknesshewasnotconsciousoffatigue.
Itwasasthoughanabscessthathadbeenformingforamonthpastinhishearthadsuddenlybroken.Freedom,freedom!
Hewasfreefromthatspell,thatsorcery,thatobsession!
Lateron,whenherecalledthattimeandallthathappenedtohimduringthosedays,minutebyminute,pointbypoint,hewassuperstitiouslyimpressedbyonecircumstance,which,thoughinitselfnotveryexceptional,alwaysseemedtohimafterwardsthepredestinedturning-pointofhisfate.
Hecouldneverunderstandandexplaintohimselfwhy,whenhewastiredandwornout,whenitwouldhavebeenmoreconvenientforhimtogohomebytheshortestandmostdirectway,hehadreturnedbytheHayMarketwherehehadnoneedtogo.
Itwasobviouslyandquiteunnecessarilyoutofhisway,thoughnotmuchso.
Itistruethatithappenedtohimdozensoftimestoreturnhomewithoutnoticingwhatstreetshepassedthrough.
Butwhy,hewasalwaysaskinghimself,whyhadsuchanimportant,suchadecisiveandatthesametimesuchanabsolutelychancemeetinghappenedintheHayMarket(wherehehadmoreovernoreasontogo)attheveryhour,theveryminuteofhislifewhenhewasjustintheverymoodandintheverycircumstancesinwhichthatmeetingwasabletoexertthegravestandmostdecisiveinfluenceonhiswholedestiny?
Asthoughithadbeenlyinginwaitforhimonpurpose!
Itwasaboutnineo’clockwhenhecrossedtheHayMarket.
Atthetablesandthebarrows,attheboothsandtheshops,allthemarketpeoplewereclosingtheirestablishmentsorclearingawayandpackinguptheirwaresand,liketheircustomers,weregoinghome.
RagpickersandcostermongersofallkindswerecrowdingroundthetavernsinthedirtyandstinkingcourtyardsoftheHayMarket.
Raskolnikovparticularlylikedthisplaceandtheneighbouringalleys,whenhewanderedaimlesslyinthestreets.
Herehisragsdidnotattractcontemptuousattention,andonecouldwalkaboutinanyattirewithoutscandalisingpeople.
Atthecornerofanalleyahucksterandhiswifehadtwotablessetoutwithtapes,thread,cottonhandkerchiefs,etc.
They,too,hadgotuptogohome,butwerelingeringinconversationwithafriend,whohadjustcomeuptothem.
ThisfriendwasLizavetaIvanovna,or,aseveryonecalledher,Lizaveta,theyoungersisteroftheoldpawnbroker,AlyonaIvanovna,whomRaskolnikovhadvisitedthepreviousdaytopawnhiswatchandmakehisexperiment....HealreadyknewallaboutLizavetaandsheknewhimalittletoo.
Shewasasinglewomanofaboutthirty-five,tall,clumsy,timid,submissiveandalmostidiotic.
Shewasacompleteslaveandwentinfearandtremblingofhersister,whomadeherworkdayandnight,andevenbeather.
Shewasstandingwithabundlebeforethehucksterandhiswife,listeningearnestlyanddoubtfully.
Theyweretalkingofsomethingwithspecialwarmth.
ThemomentRaskolnikovcaughtsightofher,hewasovercomebyastrangesensationasitwereofintenseastonishment,thoughtherewasnothingastonishingaboutthismeeting.
“Youcouldmakeupyourmindforyourself,LizavetaIvanovna,”thehucksterwassayingaloud.“Comeroundto-morrowaboutseven.Theywillbeheretoo.”
“To-morrow?”saidLizavetaslowlyandthoughtfully,asthoughunabletomakeuphermind.
“Uponmyword,whatafrightyouareinofAlyonaIvanovna,”gabbledthehuckster’swife,alivelylittlewoman.
“Ilookatyou,youarelikesomelittlebabe.
Andsheisnotyourownsistereither-nothingbutastep-sisterandwhatahandshekeepsoveryou!”
“Butthistimedon’tsayawordtoAlyonaIvanovna,”herhusbandinterrupted;“that’smyadvice,butcomeroundtouswithoutasking.Itwillbeworthyourwhile.
Lateronyoursisterherselfmayhaveanotion.”
“AmItocome?”
“Aboutseveno’clockto-morrow.Andtheywillbehere.Youwillbeabletodecideforyourself.”
“Andwe’llhaveacupoftea,”addedhiswife.
“Allright,I’llcome,”saidLizaveta,stillpondering,andshebeganslowlymovingaway.
Raskolnikovhadjustpassedandheardnomore.
Hepassedsoftly,unnoticed,tryingnottomissaword.
Hisfirstamazementwasfollowedbyathrillofhorror,likeashiverrunningdownhisspine.
Hehadlearnt,hehadsuddenlyquiteunexpectedlylearnt,thatthenextdayatseveno’clockLizaveta,theoldwoman’ssisterandonlycompanion,wouldbeawayfromhomeandthatthereforeatseveno’clockpreciselytheoldwomanwouldbeleftalone.
Hewasonlyafewstepsfromhislodging.
Hewentinlikeamancondemnedtodeath.
Hethoughtofnothingandwasincapableofthinking;buthefeltsuddenlyinhiswholebeingthathehadnomorefreedomofthought,nowill,andthateverythingwassuddenlyandirrevocablydecided.
Certainly,ifhehadtowaitwholeyearsforasuitableopportunity,hecouldnotreckononamorecertainsteptowardsthesuccessoftheplanthanthatwhichhadjustpresenteditself.
Inanycase,itwouldhavebeendifficulttofindoutbeforehandandwithcertainty,withgreaterexactnessandlessrisk,andwithoutdangerousinquiriesandinvestigations,thatnextdayatacertaintimeanoldwoman,onwhoselifeanattemptwascontemplated,wouldbeathomeandentirelyalone.
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