English
Raskolnikovwasnotusedtocrowds,and,aswesaidbefore,heavoidedsocietyofeverysort,moreespeciallyoflate.
Butnowallatoncehefeltadesiretobewithotherpeople.
Somethingnewseemedtobetakingplacewithinhim,andwithithefeltasortofthirstforcompany.
Hewassowearyafterawholemonthofconcentratedwretchednessandgloomyexcitementthathelongedtorest,ifonlyforamoment,insomeotherworld,whateveritmightbe;and,inspiteofthefilthinessofthesurroundings,hewasgladnowtostayinthetavern.
Themasteroftheestablishmentwasinanotherroom,buthefrequentlycamedownsomestepsintothemainroom,hisjaunty,tarredbootswithredturn-overtopscomingintovieweachtimebeforetherestofhisperson.
Heworeafullcoatandahorriblygreasyblacksatinwaistcoat,withnocravat,andhiswholefaceseemedsmearedwithoillikeanironlock.
Atthecounterstoodaboyofaboutfourteen,andtherewasanotherboysomewhatyoungerwhohandedwhateverwaswanted.
Onthecounterlaysomeslicedcucumber,somepiecesofdriedblackbread,andsomefish,choppedupsmall,allsmellingverybad.
Itwasinsufferablyclose,andsoheavywiththefumesofspiritsthatfiveminutesinsuchanatmospheremightwellmakeamandrunk.
Therearechancemeetingswithstrangersthatinterestusfromthefirstmoment,beforeawordisspoken.
SuchwastheimpressionmadeonRaskolnikovbythepersonsittingalittledistancefromhim,wholookedlikearetiredclerk.
Theyoungmanoftenrecalledthisimpressionafterwards,andevenascribedittopresentiment.
Helookedrepeatedlyattheclerk,partlynodoubtbecausethelatterwasstaringpersistentlyathim,obviouslyanxioustoenterintoconversation.
Attheotherpersonsintheroom,includingthetavern-keeper,theclerklookedasthoughhewereusedtotheircompany,andwearyofit,showingashadeofcondescendingcontemptforthemaspersonsofstationandcultureinferiortohisown,withwhomitwouldbeuselessforhimtoconverse.
Hewasamanoverfifty,baldandgrizzled,ofmediumheight,andstoutlybuilt.
Hisface,bloatedfromcontinualdrinking,wasofayellow,evengreenish,tinge,withswolleneyelidsoutofwhichkeenreddisheyesgleamedlikelittlechinks.
Buttherewassomethingverystrangeinhim;therewasalightinhiseyesasthoughofintensefeeling—perhapstherewereeventhoughtandintelligence,butatthesametimetherewasagleamofsomethinglikemadness.
Hewaswearinganoldandhopelesslyraggedblackdresscoat,withallitsbuttonsmissingexceptone,andthatonehehadbuttoned,evidentlyclingingtothislasttraceofrespectability.
Acrumpledshirtfront,coveredwithspotsandstains,protrudedfromhiscanvaswaistcoat.
Likeaclerk,heworenobeard,normoustache,buthadbeensolongunshaventhathischinlookedlikeastiffgreyishbrush.
Andtherewassomethingrespectableandlikeanofficialabouthismannertoo.
Buthewasrestless;heruffleduphishairandfromtimetotimelethisheaddropintohishandsdejectedlyrestinghisraggedelbowsonthestainedandstickytable.
AtlasthelookedstraightatRaskolnikov,andsaidloudlyandresolutely:
“MayIventure,honouredsir,toengageyouinpoliteconversation?
Forasmuchas,thoughyourexteriorwouldnotcommandrespect,myexperienceadmonishesmethatyouareamanofeducationandnotaccustomedtodrinking.
Ihavealwaysrespectededucationwheninconjunctionwithgenuinesentiments,andIambesidesatitularcounsellorinrank.
Marmeladov—suchismyname;titularcounsellor.
Imakeboldtoinquire—haveyoubeenintheservice?”
“No,Iamstudying,”answeredtheyoungman,somewhatsurprisedatthegrandiloquentstyleofthespeakerandalsoatbeingsodirectlyaddressed.
Inspiteofthemomentarydesirehehadjustbeenfeelingforcompanyofanysort,onbeingactuallyspokentohefeltimmediatelyhishabitualirritableanduneasyaversionforanystrangerwhoapproachedorattemptedtoapproachhim.
“Astudentthen,orformerlyastudent,”criedtheclerk.“JustwhatIthought!
I’mamanofexperience,immenseexperience,sir,”andhetappedhisforeheadwithhisfingersinself-approval.
“You’vebeenastudentorhaveattendedsomelearnedinstitution!...Butallowme….”
Hegotup,staggered,tookuphisjugandglass,andsatdownbesidetheyoungman,facinghimalittlesideways.
Hewasdrunk,butspokefluentlyandboldly,onlyoccasionallylosingthethreadofhissentencesanddrawlinghiswords.
HepounceduponRaskolnikovasgreedilyasthoughhetoohadnotspokentoasoulforamonth.
“Honouredsir,”hebeganalmostwithsolemnity,“povertyisnotavice,that’satruesaying.
YetIknowtoothatdrunkennessisnotavirtue,andthatthat’seventruer.
Butbeggary,honouredsir,beggaryisavice.
Inpovertyyoumaystillretainyourinnatenobilityofsoul,butinbeggary—never—noone.
Forbeggaryamanisnotchasedoutofhumansocietywithastick,heissweptoutwithabroom,soastomakeitashumiliatingaspossible;andquiteright,too,forasmuchasinbeggaryIamreadytobethefirsttohumiliatemyself.Hencethepot-house!
Honouredsir,amonthagoMr.Lebeziatnikovgavemywifeabeating,andmywifeisaverydifferentmatterfromme!Doyouunderstand?
Allowmetoaskyouanotherquestionoutofsimplecuriosity:haveyoueverspentanightonahaybarge,ontheNeva?”
“No,Ihavenothappenedto,”answeredRaskolnikov.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Well,I’vejustcomefromoneandit’sthefifthnightI’vesleptso….”
Hefilledhisglass,emptieditandpaused.
Bitsofhaywereinfactclingingtohisclothesandstickingtohishair.
Itseemedquiteprobablethathehadnotundressedorwashedforthelastfivedays.Hishands,particularly,werefilthy.
Theywerefatandred,withblacknails.
Hisconversationseemedtoexciteageneralthoughlanguidinterest.
Theboysatthecounterfelltosniggering.
Theinnkeepercamedownfromtheupperroom,apparentlyonpurposetolistentothe“funnyfellow”andsatdownatalittledistance,yawninglazily,butwithdignity.
EvidentlyMarmeladovwasafamiliarfigurehere,andhehadmostlikelyacquiredhisweaknessforhigh-flownspeechesfromthehabitoffrequentlyenteringintoconversationwithstrangersofallsortsinthetavern.
Thishabitdevelopsintoanecessityinsomedrunkards,andespeciallyinthosewhoarelookedaftersharplyandkeptinorderathome.
Henceinthecompanyofotherdrinkerstheytrytojustifythemselvesandevenifpossibleobtainconsideration.
“Funnyfellow!”pronouncedtheinnkeeper.“Andwhydon’tyouwork,whyaren’tyouatyourduty,ifyouareintheservice?”
“WhyamInotatmyduty,honouredsir,”Marmeladovwenton,addressinghimselfexclusivelytoRaskolnikov,asthoughithadbeenhewhoputthatquestiontohim.“WhyamInotatmyduty?
DoesnotmyheartachetothinkwhatauselesswormIam?
AmonthagowhenMr.Lebeziatnikovbeatmywifewithhisownhands,andIlaydrunk,didn’tIsuffer?
Excuseme,youngman,hasiteverhappenedtoyou…hm…well,topetitionhopelesslyforaloan?”
“Yes,ithas.Butwhatdoyoumeanbyhopelessly?”
“Hopelesslyinthefullestsense,whenyouknowbeforehandthatyouwillgetnothingbyit.
Youknow,forinstance,beforehandwithpositivecertaintythatthisman,thismostreputableandexemplarycitizen,willonnoconsiderationgiveyoumoney;andindeedIaskyouwhyshouldhe?
ForheknowsofcoursethatIshan’tpayitback.Fromcompassion?
ButMr.Lebeziatnikovwhokeepsupwithmodernideasexplainedtheotherdaythatcompassionisforbiddennowadaysbyscienceitself,andthatthat’swhatisdonenowinEngland,wherethereispoliticaleconomy.
Why,Iaskyou,shouldhegiveittome?
AndyetthoughIknowbeforehandthathewon’t,Isetofftohimand…”
“Whydoyougo?”putinRaskolnikov.
“Well,whenonehasnoone,nowhereelseonecango!
Foreverymanmusthavesomewheretogo.
Sincetherearetimeswhenoneabsolutelymustgosomewhere!
Whenmyowndaughterfirstwentoutwithayellowticket,thenIhadtogo…(formydaughterhasayellowpassport),”headdedinparenthesis,lookingwithacertainuneasinessattheyoungman.“Nomatter,sir,nomatter!”
hewentonhurriedlyandwithapparentcomposurewhenboththeboysatthecounterguffawedandeventheinnkeepersmiled—”Nomatter,Iamnotconfoundedbythewaggingoftheirheads;foreveryoneknowseverythingaboutitalready,andallthatissecretismadeopen.
AndIacceptitall,notwithcontempt,butwithhumility.Sobeit!Sobeit!‘Beholdtheman!’Excuseme,youngman,canyou….
No,toputitmorestronglyandmoredistinctly;notcanyoubutdareyou,lookinguponme,assertthatIamnotapig?”
Theyoungmandidnotansweraword.
“Well,”theoratorbeganagainstolidlyandwithevenincreaseddignity,afterwaitingforthelaughterintheroomtosubside.
“Well,sobeit,Iamapig,butsheisalady!
Ihavethesemblanceofabeast,butKaterinaIvanovna,myspouse,isapersonofeducationandanofficer’sdaughter.
Granted,granted,Iamascoundrel,butsheisawomanofanobleheart,fullofsentiments,refinedbyeducation.Andyet…oh,ifonlyshefeltforme!
Honouredsir,honouredsir,youknoweverymanoughttohaveatleastoneplacewherepeoplefeelforhim!
ButKaterinaIvanovna,thoughsheismagnanimous,sheisunjust….
Andyet,althoughIrealisethatwhenshepullsmyhairsheonlydoesitoutofpity—forIrepeatwithoutbeingashamed,shepullsmyhair,youngman,”hedeclaredwithredoubleddignity,hearingthesniggeringagain—”but,myGod,ifshewouldbutonce….Butno,no!
It’sallinvainandit’snousetalking!Nousetalking!
Formorethanonce,mywishdidcometrueandmorethanonceshehasfeltformebut…suchismyfateandIamabeastbynature!”
“Rather!”assentedtheinnkeeperyawning.Marmeladovstruckhisfistresolutelyonthetable.
“Suchismyfate!Doyouknow,sir,doyouknow,Ihavesoldherverystockingsfordrink?
Nothershoes—thatwouldbemoreorlessintheorderofthings,butherstockings,herstockingsIhavesoldfordrink!
HermohairshawlIsoldfordrink,apresenttoherlongago,herownproperty,notmine;andweliveinacoldroomandshecaughtcoldthiswinterandhasbeguncoughingandspittingbloodtoo.
WehavethreelittlechildrenandKaterinaIvanovnaisatworkfrommorningtillnight;sheisscrubbingandcleaningandwashingthechildren,forshe’sbeenusedtocleanlinessfromachild.
ButherchestisweakandshehasatendencytoconsumptionandIfeelit!DoyousupposeIdon’tfeelit?
AndthemoreIdrinkthemoreIfeelit.That’swhyIdrinktoo.
Itrytofindsympathyandfeelingindrink….
IdrinksothatImaysuffertwiceasmuch!”
Andasthoughindespairhelaidhisheaddownonthetable.
“Youngman,”hewenton,raisinghisheadagain,“inyourfaceIseemtoreadsometroubleofmind.
WhenyoucameinIreadit,andthatwaswhyIaddressedyouatonce.
Forinunfoldingtoyouthestoryofmylife,Idonotwishtomakemyselfalaughing-stockbeforetheseidlelisteners,whoindeedknowallaboutitalready,butIamlookingforamanoffeelingandeducation.
Knowthenthatmywifewaseducatedinahigh-classschoolforthedaughtersofnoblemen,andonleavingshedancedtheshawldancebeforethegovernorandotherpersonagesforwhichshewaspresentedwithagoldmedalandacertificateofmerit.
Themedal…well,themedalofcoursewassold—longago,hm…butthecertificateofmeritisinhertrunkstillandnotlongagosheshowedittoourlandlady.
Andalthoughsheismostcontinuallyonbadtermswiththelandlady,yetshewantedtotellsomeoneorotherofherpasthonoursandofthehappydaysthataregone.
Idon’tcondemnherforit,Idon’tblameher,fortheonethingleftherisrecollectionofthepast,andalltherestisdustandashes.
Yes,yes,sheisaladyofspirit,proudanddetermined.
Shescrubsthefloorsherselfandhasnothingbutblackbreadtoeat,butwon’tallowherselftobetreatedwithdisrespect.
That’swhyshewouldnotoverlookMr.Lebeziatnikov’srudenesstoher,andsowhenhegaveherabeatingforit,shetooktoherbedmorefromthehurttoherfeelingsthanfromtheblows.
ShewasawidowwhenImarriedher,withthreechildren,onesmallerthantheother.
Shemarriedherfirsthusband,aninfantryofficer,forlove,andranawaywithhimfromherfather’shouse.
Shewasexceedinglyfondofherhusband;buthegavewaytocards,gotintotroubleandwiththathedied.
Heusedtobeatherattheend:andalthoughshepaidhimback,ofwhichIhaveauthenticdocumentaryevidence,tothisdayshespeaksofhimwithtearsandshethrowshimuptome;andIamglad,Iamgladthat,thoughonlyinimagination,sheshouldthinkofherselfashavingoncebeenhappy….
AndshewasleftathisdeathwiththreechildreninawildandremotedistrictwhereIhappenedtobeatthetime;andshewasleftinsuchhopelesspovertythat,althoughIhaveseenmanyupsanddownsofallsort,Idon’tfeelequaltodescribingiteven.Herrelationshadallthrownheroff.
Andshewasproud,too,excessivelyproud….
Andthen,honouredsir,andthen,I,beingatthetimeawidower,withadaughteroffourteenleftmebymyfirstwife,offeredhermyhand,forIcouldnotbearthesightofsuchsuffering.
Youcanjudgetheextremityofhercalamities,thatshe,awomanofeducationandcultureanddistinguishedfamily,shouldhaveconsentedtobemywife.Butshedid!
Weepingandsobbingandwringingherhands,shemarriedme!Forshehadnowheretoturn!
Doyouunderstand,sir,doyouunderstandwhatitmeanswhenyouhaveabsolutelynowheretoturn?No,thatyoudon’tunderstandyet….
Andforawholeyear,Iperformedmydutiesconscientiouslyandfaithfully,anddidnottouchthis”(hetappedthejugwithhisfinger),“forIhavefeelings.
Butevenso,Icouldnotpleaseher;andthenIlostmyplacetoo,andthatthroughnofaultofminebutthroughchangesintheoffice;andthenIdidtouchit!
...Itwillbeayearandahalfagosoonsincewefoundourselvesatlastaftermanywanderingsandnumerouscalamitiesinthismagnificentcapital,adornedwithinnumerablemonuments.HereIobtainedasituation….IobtaineditandIlostitagain.Doyouunderstand?
ThistimeitwasthroughmyownfaultIlostit:formyweaknesshadcomeout….
WehavenowpartofaroomatAmaliaFyodorovnaLippevechsel’s;andwhatweliveuponandwhatwepayourrentwith,Icouldnotsay.
Therearealotofpeoplelivingtherebesidesourselves.
Dirtanddisorder,aperfectBedlam…hm…yes…Andmeanwhilemydaughterbymyfirstwifehasgrownup;andwhatmydaughterhashadtoputupwithfromherstep-motherwhilstshewasgrowingup,Iwon’tspeakof.
For,thoughKaterinaIvanovnaisfullofgenerousfeelings,sheisaspiritedlady,irritableandshort—tempered….Yes.Butit’snousegoingoverthat!
Sonia,asyoumaywellfancy,hashadnoeducation.
Ididmakeaneffortfouryearsagotogiveheracourseofgeographyanduniversalhistory,butasIwasnotverywellupinthosesubjectsmyselfandwehadnosuitablebooks,andwhatbookswehad…hm,anywaywehavenoteventhosenow,soallourinstructioncametoanend.WestoppedatCyrusofPersia.
Sinceshehasattainedyearsofmaturity,shehasreadotherbooksofromantictendencyandoflateshehadreadwithgreatinterestabookshegotthroughMr.Lebeziatnikov,Lewes’Physiology—doyouknowit?
—andevenrecountedextractsfromittous:andthat’sthewholeofhereducation.
AndnowmayIventuretoaddressyou,honouredsir,onmyownaccountwithaprivatequestion.
Doyousupposethatarespectablepoorgirlcanearnmuchbyhonestwork?
Notfifteenfarthingsadaycansheearn,ifsheisrespectableandhasnospecialtalentandthatwithoutputtingherworkdownforaninstant!
Andwhat’smore,IvanIvanitchKlopstockthecivilcounsellor—haveyouheardofhim?
—hasnottothisdaypaidherforthehalf-dozenlinenshirtsshemadehimanddroveherroughlyaway,stampingandrevilingher,onthepretextthattheshirtcollarswerenotmadelikethepatternandwereputinaskew.Andtherearethelittleoneshungry….
AndKaterinaIvanovnawalkingupanddownandwringingherhands,hercheeksflushedred,astheyalwaysareinthatdisease:‘Hereyoulivewithus,’saysshe,‘youeatanddrinkandarekeptwarmandyoudonothingtohelp.’
Andmuchshegetstoeatanddrinkwhenthereisnotacrustforthelittleonesforthreedays!
Iwaslyingatthetime…well,whatofit!
IwaslyingdrunkandIheardmySoniaspeaking(sheisagentlecreaturewithasoftlittlevoice…fairhairandsuchapale,thinlittleface).
Shesaid:‘KaterinaIvanovna,amIreallytodoathinglikethat?’
AndDaryaFrantsovna,awomanofevilcharacterandverywellknowntothepolice,hadtwoorthreetimestriedtogetatherthroughthelandlady.‘Andwhynot?’
saidKaterinaIvanovnawithajeer,‘youaresomethingmightyprecioustobesocarefulof!’
Butdon’tblameher,don’tblameher,honouredsir,don’tblameher!
Shewasnotherselfwhenshespoke,butdriventodistractionbyherillnessandthecryingofthehungrychildren;anditwassaidmoretowoundherthananythingelse….
Forthat’sKaterinaIvanovna’scharacter,andwhenchildrencry,evenfromhunger,shefallstobeatingthematonce.
Atsixo’clockIsawSoniagetup,putonherkerchiefandhercape,andgooutoftheroomandaboutnineo’clockshecameback.
ShewalkedstraightuptoKaterinaIvanovnaandshelaidthirtyroublesonthetablebeforeherinsilence.
Shedidnotutteraword,shedidnotevenlookather,shesimplypickedupourbiggreendrapdedamesshawl(wehaveashawl,madeofdrapdedames),putitoverherheadandfaceandlaydownonthebedwithherfacetothewall;onlyherlittleshouldersandherbodykeptshuddering….
AndIwentonlyingthere,justasbefore….
AndthenIsaw,youngman,IsawKaterinaIvanovna,inthesamesilencegouptoSonia’slittlebed;shewasonherkneesalltheeveningkissingSonia’sfeet,andwouldnotgetup,andthentheybothfellasleepineachother’sarms…together,together…yes…andI…laydrunk.”
Marmeladovstoppedshort,asthoughhisvoicehadfailedhim.Thenhehurriedlyfilledhisglass,drank,andclearedhisthroat.
“Sincethen,sir,”hewentonafterabriefpause—”Sincethen,owingtoanunfortunateoccurrenceandthroughinformationgivenbyevil-intentionedpersons—inallwhichDaryaFrantsovnatookaleadingpartonthepretextthatshehadbeentreatedwithwantofrespect—sincethenmydaughterSofyaSemyonovnahasbeenforcedtotakeayellowticket,andowingtothatsheisunabletogoonlivingwithus.
Forourlandlady,AmaliaFyodorovnawouldnothearofit(thoughshehadbackedupDaryaFrantsovnabefore)andMr.Lebeziatnikovtoo…hm….
AllthetroublebetweenhimandKaterinaIvanovnawasonSonia’saccount.
AtfirsthewasformakinguptoSoniahimselfandthenallofasuddenhestoodonhisdignity:‘how,’saidhe,‘canahighlyeducatedmanlikemeliveinthesameroomswithagirllikethat?’
AndKaterinaIvanovnawouldnotletitpass,shestoodupforher…andsothat’showithappened.
AndSoniacomestousnow,mostlyafterdark;shecomfortsKaterinaIvanovnaandgivesherallshecan….
ShehasaroomattheKapernaumovs’thetailors,shelodgeswiththem;Kapernaumovisalamemanwithacleftpalateandallofhisnumerousfamilyhavecleftpalatestoo.Andhiswife,too,hasacleftpalate.
Theyallliveinoneroom,butSoniahasherown,partitionedoff….
Hm…yes…verypoorpeopleandallwithcleftpalates…yes.
ThenIgotupinthemorning,andputonmyrags,liftedupmyhandstoheavenandsetofftohisexcellencyIvanAfanasyvitch.
HisexcellencyIvanAfanasyvitch,doyouknowhim?No?
Well,then,it’samanofGodyoudon’tknow.
Heiswax…waxbeforethefaceoftheLord;evenaswaxmelteth!
...Hiseyesweredimwhenheheardmystory.
‘Marmeladov,oncealreadyyouhavedeceivedmyexpectations…I’lltakeyouoncemoreonmyownresponsibility’—that’swhathesaid,‘remember,’hesaid,‘andnowyoucango.’
Ikissedthedustathisfeet—inthoughtonly,forinrealityhewouldnothaveallowedmetodoit,beingastatesmanandamanofmodernpoliticalandenlightenedideas.
Ireturnedhome,andwhenIannouncedthatI’dbeentakenbackintotheserviceandshouldreceiveasalary,heavens,whatato-dotherewas!...”
Marmeladovstoppedagaininviolentexcitement.
Atthatmomentawholepartyofrevellersalreadydrunkcameinfromthestreet,andthesoundsofahiredconcertinaandthecrackedpipingvoiceofachildofsevensinging“TheHamlet”wereheardintheentry.Theroomwasfilledwithnoise.
Thetavern-keeperandtheboyswerebusywiththenew-comers.
Marmeladovpayingnoattentiontothenewarrivalscontinuedhisstory.
Heappearedbynowtobeextremelyweak,butashebecamemoreandmoredrunk,hebecamemoreandmoretalkative.
Therecollectionofhisrecentsuccessingettingthesituationseemedtorevivehim,andwaspositivelyreflectedinasortofradianceonhisface.Raskolnikovlistenedattentively.
“Thatwasfiveweeksago,sir.Yes….
AssoonasKaterinaIvanovnaandSoniaheardofit,mercyonus,itwasasthoughIsteppedintothekingdomofHeaven.
Itusedtobe:youcanlielikeabeast,nothingbutabuse.
Nowtheywerewalkingontiptoe,hushingthechildren.
‘SemyonZaharovitchistiredwithhisworkattheoffice,heisresting,shh!’
TheymademecoffeebeforeIwenttoworkandboiledcreamforme!
Theybegantogetrealcreamforme,doyouhearthat?
Andhowtheymanagedtogettogetherthemoneyforadecentoutfit—elevenroubles,fiftycopecks,Ican’tguess.
Boots,cottonshirt-fronts—mostmagnificent,auniform,theygotupallinsplendidstyle,forelevenroublesandahalf.
ThefirstmorningIcamebackfromtheofficeIfoundKaterinaIvanovnahadcookedtwocoursesfordinner—soupandsaltmeatwithhorseradish—whichwehadneverdreamedoftillthen.
Shehadnotanydresses…noneatall,butshegotherselfupasthoughsheweregoingonavisit;andnotthatshe’danythingtodoitwith,shesmartenedherselfupwithnothingatall,she’ddoneherhairnicely,putonacleancollarofsomesort,cuffs,andthereshewas,quiteadifferentperson,shewasyoungerandbetterlooking.
Sonia,mylittledarling,hadonlyhelpedwithmoney‘forthetime,’shesaid,‘itwon’tdoformetocomeandseeyoutoooften.Afterdarkmaybewhennoonecansee.’Doyouhear,doyouhear?
Ilaydownforanapafterdinnerandwhatdoyouthink:thoughKaterinaIvanovnahadquarrelledtothelastdegreewithourlandladyAmaliaFyodorovnaonlyaweekbefore,shecouldnotresistthenaskingherintocoffee.
Fortwohourstheyweresitting,whisperingtogether.
‘SemyonZaharovitchisintheserviceagain,now,andreceivingasalary,’saysshe,‘andhewenthimselftohisexcellencyandhisexcellencyhimselfcameouttohim,madealltheotherswaitandledSemyonZaharovitchbythehandbeforeeverybodyintohisstudy.’Doyouhear,doyouhear?
‘Tobesure,’sayshe,‘SemyonZaharovitch,rememberingyourpastservices,’sayshe,‘andinspiteofyourpropensitytothatfoolishweakness,sinceyoupromisenowandsincemoreoverwe’vegotonbadlywithoutyou,’(doyouhear,doyouhear;)‘andso,’sayshe,‘Irelynowonyourwordasagentleman.’
Andallthat,letmetellyou,shehassimplymadeupforherself,andnotsimplyoutofwantonness,forthesakeofbragging;no,shebelievesitallherself,sheamusesherselfwithherownfancies,uponmywordshedoes!
AndIdon’tblameherforit,no,Idon’tblameher!
...SixdaysagowhenIbroughthermyfirstearningsinfull—twenty-threeroublesfortycopecksaltogether—shecalledmeherpoppet:‘poppet,’saidshe,‘mylittlepoppet.’
Andwhenwewerebyourselves,youunderstand?
Youwouldnotthinkmeabeauty,youwouldnotthinkmuchofmeasahusband,wouldyou?
...Well,shepinchedmycheek,‘mylittlepoppet,’saidshe.”
Marmeladovbrokeoff,triedtosmile,butsuddenlyhischinbegantotwitch.Hecontrolledhimselfhowever.
Thetavern,thedegradedappearanceoftheman,thefivenightsinthehaybarge,andthepotofspirits,andyetthispoignantloveforhiswifeandchildrenbewilderedhislistener.
Raskolnikovlistenedintentlybutwithasicksensation.Hefeltvexedthathehadcomehere.
“Honouredsir,honouredsir,”criedMarmeladovrecoveringhimself—”Oh,sir,perhapsallthisseemsalaughingmattertoyou,asitdoestoothers,andperhapsIamonlyworryingyouwiththestupidityofallthetrivialdetailsofmyhomelife,butitisnotalaughingmattertome.ForIcanfeelitall….
AndthewholeofthatheavenlydayofmylifeandthewholeofthateveningIpassedinfleetingdreamsofhowIwouldarrangeitall,andhowIwoulddressallthechildren,andhowIshouldgiveherrest,andhowIshouldrescuemyowndaughterfromdishonourandrestorehertothebosomofherfamily….Andagreatdealmore….Quiteexcusable,sir.
Well,then,sir”(Marmeladovsuddenlygaveasortofstart,raisedhisheadandgazedintentlyathislistener)“well,ontheverynextdayafterallthosedreams,thatistosay,exactlyfivedaysago,intheevening,byacunningtrick,likeathiefinthenight,IstolefromKaterinaIvanovnathekeyofherbox,tookoutwhatwasleftofmyearnings,howmuchitwasIhaveforgotten,andnowlookatme,allofyou!
It’sthefifthdaysinceIlefthome,andtheyarelookingformethereandit’stheendofmyemployment,andmyuniformislyinginatavernontheEgyptianbridge.
IexchangeditforthegarmentsIhaveon…andit’stheendofeverything!”
Marmeladovstruckhisforeheadwithhisfist,clenchedhisteeth,closedhiseyesandleanedheavilywithhiselbowonthetable.
Butaminutelaterhisfacesuddenlychangedandwithacertainassumedslynessandaffectationofbravado,heglancedatRaskolnikov,laughedandsaid:
“ThismorningIwenttoseeSonia,Iwenttoaskherforapick-me-up!He-he-he!”
“Youdon’tsayshegaveittoyou?”criedoneofthenew-comers;heshoutedthewordsandwentoffintoaguffaw.
“Thisveryquartwasboughtwithhermoney,”Marmeladovdeclared,addressinghimselfexclusivelytoRaskolnikov.
“Thirtycopecksshegavemewithherownhands,herlast,allshehad,asIsaw….
Shesaidnothing,sheonlylookedatmewithoutaword….
Notonearth,butupyonder…theygrieveovermen,theyweep,buttheydon’tblamethem,theydon’tblamethem!
Butithurtsmore,ithurtsmorewhentheydon’tblame!Thirtycopecksyes!Andmaybesheneedsthemnow,eh?Whatdoyouthink,mydearsir?
Fornowshe’sgottokeepupherappearance.
Itcostsmoney,thatsmartness,thatspecialsmartness,youknow?Doyouunderstand?
Andthere’spomatum,too,yousee,shemusthavethings;petticoats,starchedones,shoes,too,realjauntyonestoshowoffherfootwhenshehastostepoverapuddle.
Doyouunderstand,sir,doyouunderstandwhatallthatsmartnessmeans?
AndhereI,herownfather,hereItookthirtycopecksofthatmoneyforadrink!AndIamdrinkingit!AndIhavealreadydrunkit!
Come,whowillhavepityonamanlikeme,eh?Areyousorryforme,sir,ornot?Tellme,sir,areyousorryornot?He-he-he!”
Hewouldhavefilledhisglass,buttherewasnodrinkleft.Thepotwasempty.
“Whatareyoutobepitiedfor?”shoutedthetavern-keeperwhowasagainnearthem.
Shoutsoflaughterandevenoathsfollowed.
Thelaughterandtheoathscamefromthosewhowerelisteningandalsofromthosewhohadheardnothingbutweresimplylookingatthefigureofthedischargedgovernmentclerk.
“Tobepitied!WhyamItobepitied?”Marmeladovsuddenlydeclaimed,standingupwithhisarmoutstretched,asthoughhehadbeenonlywaitingforthatquestion.
“WhyamItobepitied,yousay?Yes!there’snothingtopitymefor!
Ioughttobecrucified,crucifiedonacross,notpitied!
Crucifyme,ohjudge,crucifymebutpityme!
AndthenIwillgoofmyselftobecrucified,forit’snotmerry-makingIseekbuttearsandtribulation!
...Doyousuppose,youthatsell,thatthispintofyourshasbeensweettome?
ItwastribulationIsoughtatthebottomofit,tearsandtribulation,andhavefoundit,andIhavetastedit;butHewillpityusWhohashadpityonallmen,Whohasunderstoodallmenandallthings,HeistheOne,Hetooisthejudge.
HewillcomeinthatdayandHewillask:‘Whereisthedaughterwhogaveherselfforhercross,consumptivestep-motherandforthelittlechildrenofanother?
Whereisthedaughterwhohadpityuponthefilthydrunkard,herearthlyfather,undismayedbyhisbeastliness?’AndHewillsay,‘Cometome!Ihavealreadyforgiventheeonce….Ihaveforgiventheeonce….
Thysinswhicharemanyareforgiventheeforthouhastlovedmuch….’
AndhewillforgivemySonia,Hewillforgive,Iknowit…IfeltitinmyheartwhenIwaswithherjustnow!
AndHewilljudgeandwillforgiveall,thegoodandtheevil,thewiseandthemeek….
AndwhenHehasdonewithallofthem,thenHewillsummonus.
‘Youtoocomeforth,’Hewillsay,‘Comeforthyedrunkards,comeforth,yeweakones,comeforth,yechildrenofshame!’
Andweshallallcomeforth,withoutshameandshallstandbeforehim.
AndHewillsayuntous,‘Yeareswine,madeintheImageoftheBeastandwithhismark;butcomeyealso!’
Andthewiseonesandthoseofunderstandingwillsay,‘OhLord,whydostThoureceivethesemen?’
AndHewillsay,‘ThisiswhyIreceivethem,ohyewise,thisiswhyIreceivethem,ohyeofunderstanding,thatnotoneofthembelievedhimselftobeworthyofthis.’
AndHewillholdoutHishandstousandweshallfalldownbeforehim…andweshallweep…andweshallunderstandallthings!Thenweshallunderstandall!
...andallwillunderstand,KaterinaIvanovnaeven…shewillunderstand….Lord,Thykingdomcome!”
Andhesankdownonthebenchexhausted,andhelpless,lookingatnoone,apparentlyobliviousofhissurroundingsandplungedindeepthought.
Hiswordshadcreatedacertainimpression;therewasamomentofsilence;butsoonlaughterandoathswereheardagain.
“That’shisnotion!”
“Talkedhimselfsilly!”
“Afineclerkheis!”
Andsoon,andsoon.
“Letusgo,sir,”saidMarmeladovallatonce,raisinghisheadandaddressingRaskolnikov—”comealongwithme…Kozel’shouse,lookingintotheyard.I’mgoingtoKaterinaIvanovna—timeIdid.”
Raskolnikovhadforsometimebeenwantingtogoandhehadmeanttohelphim.
Marmeladovwasmuchunsteadieronhislegsthaninhisspeechandleanedheavilyontheyoungman.
Theyhadtwoorthreehundredpacestogo.
Thedrunkenmanwasmoreandmoreovercomebydismayandconfusionastheydrewnearerthehouse.
“It’snotKaterinaIvanovnaIamafraidofnow,”hemutteredinagitation—”andthatshewillbeginpullingmyhair.Whatdoesmyhairmatter!Bothermyhair!That’swhatIsay!
Indeeditwillbebetterifshedoesbeginpullingit,that’snotwhatIamafraidof…it’shereyesIamafraidof…yes,hereyes…theredonhercheeks,too,frightensme…andherbreathingtoo….
Haveyounoticedhowpeopleinthatdiseasebreathe…whentheyareexcited?
Iamfrightenedofthechildren’scrying,too….
ForifSoniahasnottakenthemfood…Idon’tknowwhat’shappened!Idon’tknow!ButblowsIamnotafraidof….
Know,sir,thatsuchblowsarenotapaintome,butevenanenjoyment.InfactIcan’tgetonwithoutit….It’sbetterso.
Letherstrikeme,itrelievesherheart…it’sbetterso…Thereisthehouse.
ThehouseofKozel,thecabinet-maker…aGerman,well-to-do.Leadtheway!”
Theywentinfromtheyardanduptothefourthstorey.
Thestaircasegotdarkeranddarkerastheywentup.
Itwasnearlyeleveno’clockandalthoughinsummerinPetersburgthereisnorealnight,yetitwasquitedarkatthetopofthestairs.
Agrimylittledoorattheverytopofthestairsstoodajar.
Averypoor-lookingroomabouttenpaceslongwaslightedupbyacandle-end;thewholeofitwasvisiblefromtheentrance.
Itwasallindisorder,litteredupwithragsofallsorts,especiallychildren’sgarments.
Acrossthefurthestcornerwasstretchedaraggedsheet.Behinditprobablywasthebed.
TherewasnothingintheroomexcepttwochairsandasofacoveredwithAmericanleather,fullofholes,beforewhichstoodanolddealkitchen-table,unpaintedanduncovered.
Attheedgeofthetablestoodasmolderingtallow-candleinanironcandlestick.
Itappearedthatthefamilyhadaroomtothemselves,notpartofaroom,buttheirroomwaspracticallyapassage.
Thedoorleadingtotheotherrooms,orrathercupboards,intowhichAmaliaLippevechsel’sflatwasdividedstoodhalfopen,andtherewasshouting,uproarandlaughterwithin.
Peopleseemedtobeplayingcardsanddrinkingteathere.
Wordsofthemostunceremoniouskindflewoutfromtimetotime.
RaskolnikovrecognisedKaterinaIvanovnaatonce.
Shewasarathertall,slimandgracefulwoman,terriblyemaciated,withmagnificentdarkbrownhairandwithahecticflushinhercheeks.
Shewaspacingupanddowninherlittleroom,pressingherhandsagainstherchest;herlipswereparchedandherbreathingcameinnervousbrokengasps.
Hereyesglitteredasinfeverandlookedaboutwithaharshimmovablestare.
Andthatconsumptiveandexcitedfacewiththelastflickeringlightofthecandle-endplayinguponitmadeasickeningimpression.
SheseemedtoRaskolnikovaboutthirtyyearsoldandwascertainlyastrangewifeforMarmeladov….
Shehadnotheardthemanddidnotnoticethemcomingin.
Sheseemedtobelostinthought,hearingandseeingnothing.
Theroomwasclose,butshehadnotopenedthewindow;astenchrosefromthestaircase,butthedoorontothestairswasnotclosed.
Fromtheinnerroomscloudsoftobaccosmokefloatedin,shekeptcoughing,butdidnotclosethedoor.
Theyoungestchild,agirlofsix,wasasleep,sittingcurleduponthefloorwithherheadonthesofa.
Aboyayearolderstoodcryingandshakinginthecorner,probablyhehadjusthadabeating.
Besidehimstoodagirlofnineyearsold,tallandthin,wearingathinandraggedchemisewithanancientcashmerepelisseflungoverherbareshoulders,longoutgrownandbarelyreachingherknees.
Herarm,asthinasastick,wasroundherbrother’sneck.
Shewastryingtocomforthim,whisperingsomethingtohim,anddoingallshecouldtokeephimfromwhimperingagain.
Atthesametimeherlargedarkeyes,whichlookedlargerstillfromthethinnessofherfrightenedface,werewatchinghermotherwithalarm.
Marmeladovdidnotenterthedoor,butdroppedonhiskneesintheverydoorway,pushingRaskolnikovinfrontofhim.
Thewomanseeingastrangerstoppedindifferentlyfacinghim,comingtoherselfforamomentandapparentlywonderingwhathehadcomefor.
Butevidentlyshedecidedthathewasgoingintothenextroom,ashehadtopassthroughherstogetthere.
Takingnofurthernoticeofhim,shewalkedtowardstheouterdoortocloseitandutteredasuddenscreamonseeingherhusbandonhiskneesinthedoorway.
“Ah!”shecriedoutinafrenzy,“hehascomeback!Thecriminal!themonster!...Andwhereisthemoney?What’sinyourpocket,showme!Andyourclothesarealldifferent!Whereareyourclothes?Whereisthemoney!Speak!”
Andshefelltosearchinghim.Marmeladovsubmissivelyandobedientlyheldupbotharmstofacilitatethesearch.Notafarthingwasthere.
“Whereisthemoney?”shecried—”Mercyonus,canhehavedrunkitall?
Thereweretwelvesilverroublesleftinthechest!”
andinafurysheseizedhimbythehairanddraggedhimintotheroom.
Marmeladovsecondedhereffortsbymeeklycrawlingalongonhisknees.
“Andthisisaconsolationtome!Thisdoesnothurtme,butisapositivecon-so-la-tion,ho-nou-redsir,”hecalledout,shakentoandfrobyhishairandevenoncestrikingthegroundwithhisforehead.
Thechildasleeponthefloorwokeup,andbegantocry.
Theboyinthecornerlosingallcontrolbegantremblingandscreamingandrushedtohissisterinviolentterror,almostinafit.
Theeldestgirlwasshakinglikealeaf.
“He’sdrunkit!he’sdrunkitall,”thepoorwomanscreamedindespair—”andhisclothesaregone!Andtheyarehungry,hungry!”
—andwringingherhandsshepointedtothechildren.“Oh,accursedlife!Andyou,areyounotashamed?”
—shepouncedallatonceuponRaskolnikov—”fromthetavern!Haveyoubeendrinkingwithhim?Youhavebeendrinkingwithhim,too!Goaway!”
Theyoungmanwashasteningawaywithoututteringaword.
Theinnerdoorwasthrownwideopenandinquisitivefaceswerepeeringinatit.
Coarselaughingfaceswithpipesandcigarettesandheadswearingcapsthrustthemselvesinatthedoorway.
Furtherincouldbeseenfiguresindressinggownsflungopen,incostumesofunseemlyscantiness,someofthemwithcardsintheirhands.
Theywereparticularlydiverted,whenMarmeladov,draggedaboutbyhishair,shoutedthatitwasaconsolationtohim.
Theyevenbegantocomeintotheroom;atlastasinistershrilloutcrywasheard:thiscamefromAmaliaLippevechselherselfpushingherwayamongstthemandtryingtorestoreorderafterherownfashionandforthehundredthtimetofrightenthepoorwomanbyorderingherwithcoarseabusetoclearoutoftheroomnextday.
Ashewentout,Raskolnikovhadtimetoputhishandintohispocket,tosnatchupthecoppershehadreceivedinexchangeforhisroubleinthetavernandtolaythemunnoticedonthewindow.
Afterwardsonthestairs,hechangedhismindandwouldhavegoneback.
“WhatastupidthingI’vedone,”hethoughttohimself,“theyhaveSoniaandIwantitmyself.”
Butreflectingthatitwouldbeimpossibletotakeitbacknowandthatinanycasehewouldnothavetakenit,hedismisseditwithawaveofhishandandwentbacktohislodging.
“Soniawantspomatumtoo,”hesaidashewalkedalongthestreet,andhelaughedmalignantly—”suchsmartnesscostsmoney….Hm!
AndmaybeSoniaherselfwillbebankruptto-day,forthereisalwaysarisk,huntingbiggame…diggingforgold…thentheywouldallbewithoutacrustto-morrowexceptformymoney.HurrahforSonia!Whataminethey’vedugthere!Andthey’remakingthemostofit!Yes,theyaremakingthemostofit!
They’veweptoveritandgrownusedtoit.
Mangrowsusedtoeverything,thescoundrel!”
Hesankintothought.
“AndwhatifIamwrong,”hecriedsuddenlyafteramoment’sthought.
“Whatifmanisnotreallyascoundrel,maningeneral,Imean,thewholeraceofmankind—thenalltherestisprejudice,simplyartificialterrorsandtherearenobarriersandit’sallasitshouldbe.”
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