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OnanexceptionallyhoteveningearlyinJulyayoungmancameoutofthegarretinwhichhelodgedinS.Placeandwalkedslowly,asthoughinhesitation,towardsK.bridge.
Hehadsuccessfullyavoidedmeetinghislandladyonthestaircase.
Hisgarretwasundertheroofofahigh,five-storiedhouseandwasmorelikeacupboardthanaroom.
Thelandladywhoprovidedhimwithgarret,dinners,andattendance,livedonthefloorbelow,andeverytimehewentouthewasobligedtopassherkitchen,thedoorofwhichinvariablystoodopen.
Andeachtimehepassed,theyoungmanhadasick,frightenedfeeling,whichmadehimscowlandfeelashamed.
Hewashopelesslyindebttohislandlady,andwasafraidofmeetingher.
Thiswasnotbecausehewascowardlyandabject,quitethecontrary;butforsometimepasthehadbeeninanoverstrainedirritablecondition,vergingonhypochondria.
Hehadbecomesocompletelyabsorbedinhimself,andisolatedfromhisfellowsthathedreadedmeeting,notonlyhislandlady,butanyoneatall.
Hewascrushedbypoverty,buttheanxietiesofhispositionhadoflateceasedtoweighuponhim.
Hehadgivenupattendingtomattersofpracticalimportance;hehadlostalldesiretodoso.
Nothingthatanylandladycoulddohadarealterrorforhim.
Buttobestoppedonthestairs,tobeforcedtolistentohertrivial,irrelevantgossip,topesteringdemandsforpayment,threatsandcomplaints,andtorackhisbrainsforexcuses,toprevaricate,tolie—no,ratherthanthat,hewouldcreepdownthestairslikeacatandslipoutunseen.
Thisevening,however,oncomingoutintothestreet,hebecameacutelyawareofhisfears.
“Iwanttoattemptathinglikethatandamfrightenedbythesetrifles,”hethought,withanoddsmile.
“Hm…yes,allisinaman’shandsandheletsitallslipfromcowardice,that’sanaxiom.
Itwouldbeinterestingtoknowwhatitismenaremostafraidof.
Takinganewstep,utteringanewwordiswhattheyfearmost….ButIamtalkingtoomuch.
It’sbecauseIchatterthatIdonothing.
OrperhapsitisthatIchatterbecauseIdonothing.
I’velearnedtochatterthislastmonth,lyingfordaystogetherinmydenthinking…ofJacktheGiant-killer.WhyamIgoingtherenow?AmIcapableofthat?Isthatserious?Itisnotseriousatall.
It’ssimplyafantasytoamusemyself;aplaything!Yes,maybeitisaplaything.”
Theheatinthestreetwasterrible:andtheairlessness,thebustleandtheplaster,scaffolding,bricks,anddustallabouthim,andthatspecialPetersburgstench,sofamiliartoallwhoareunabletogetoutoftowninsummer—allworkedpainfullyupontheyoungman’salreadyoverwroughtnerves.
Theinsufferablestenchfromthepot-houses,whichareparticularlynumerousinthatpartofthetown,andthedrunkenmenwhomhemetcontinually,althoughitwasaworkingday,completedtherevoltingmiseryofthepicture.
Anexpressionoftheprofoundestdisgustgleamedforamomentintheyoungman’srefinedface.
Hewas,bytheway,exceptionallyhandsome,abovetheaverageinheight,slim,well-built,withbeautifuldarkeyesanddarkbrownhair.
Soonhesankintodeepthought,ormoreaccuratelyspeakingintoacompleteblanknessofmind;hewalkedalongnotobservingwhatwasabouthimandnotcaringtoobserveit.
Fromtimetotime,hewouldmuttersomething,fromthehabitoftalkingtohimself,towhichhehadjustconfessed.
Atthesemomentshewouldbecomeconsciousthathisideasweresometimesinatangleandthathewasveryweak;fortwodayshehadscarcelytastedfood.
Hewassobadlydressedthatevenamanaccustomedtoshabbinesswouldhavebeenashamedtobeseeninthestreetinsuchrags.
Inthatquarterofthetown,however,scarcelyanyshortcomingindresswouldhavecreatedsurprise.
OwingtotheproximityoftheHayMarket,thenumberofestablishmentsofbadcharacter,thepreponderanceofthetradingandworkingclasspopulationcrowdedinthesestreetsandalleysintheheartofPetersburg,typessovariousweretobeseeninthestreetsthatnofigure,howeverqueer,wouldhavecausedsurprise.
Buttherewassuchaccumulatedbitternessandcontemptintheyoungman’sheart,that,inspiteofallthefastidiousnessofyouth,hemindedhisragsleastofallinthestreet.
Itwasadifferentmatterwhenhemetwithacquaintancesorwithformerfellowstudents,whom,indeed,hedislikedmeetingatanytime.
Andyetwhenadrunkenmanwho,forsomeunknownreason,wasbeingtakensomewhereinahugewaggondraggedbyaheavydrayhorse,suddenlyshoutedathimashedrovepast:“Heythere,Germanhatter”bawlingatthetopofhisvoiceandpointingathim—theyoungmanstoppedsuddenlyandclutchedtremulouslyathishat.
ItwasatallroundhatfromZimmerman’s,butcompletelywornout,rustywithage,alltornandbespattered,brimlessandbentononesideinamostunseemlyfashion.
Notshame,however,butquiteanotherfeelingakintoterrorhadovertakenhim.
“Iknewit,”hemutteredinconfusion,“Ithoughtso!That’stheworstofall!
Why,astupidthinglikethis,themosttrivialdetailmightspoilthewholeplan.Yes,myhatistoonoticeable….
Itlooksabsurdandthatmakesitnoticeable….
WithmyragsIoughttowearacap,anysortofoldpancake,butnotthisgrotesquething.
Nobodywearssuchahat,itwouldbenoticedamileoff,itwouldberemembered….
Whatmattersisthatpeoplewouldrememberit,andthatwouldgivethemaclue.
Forthisbusinessoneshouldbeaslittleconspicuousaspossible….Trifles,triflesarewhatmatter!
Why,it’sjustsuchtriflesthatalwaysruineverything….”
Hehadnotfartogo;heknewindeedhowmanystepsitwasfromthegateofhislodginghouse:exactlysevenhundredandthirty.
Hehadcountedthemoncewhenhehadbeenlostindreams.
Atthetimehehadputnofaithinthosedreamsandwasonlytantalisinghimselfbytheirhideousbutdaringrecklessness.
Now,amonthlater,hehadbeguntolookuponthemdifferently,and,inspiteofthemonologuesinwhichhejeeredathisownimpotenceandindecision,hehadinvoluntarilycometoregardthis“hideous”dreamasanexploittobeattempted,althoughhestilldidnotrealisethishimself.
Hewaspositivelygoingnowfora“rehearsal”ofhisproject,andateverystephisexcitementgrewmoreandmoreviolent.
Withasinkingheartandanervoustremor,hewentuptoahugehousewhichononesidelookedontothecanal,andontheotherintothestreet.
Thishousewasletoutintinytenementsandwasinhabitedbyworkingpeopleofallkinds—tailors,locksmiths,cooks,Germansofsorts,girlspickingupalivingasbesttheycould,pettyclerks,etc.
Therewasacontinualcomingandgoingthroughthetwogatesandinthetwocourtyardsofthehouse.
Threeorfourdoor-keeperswereemployedonthebuilding.
Theyoungmanwasverygladtomeetnoneofthem,andatonceslippedunnoticedthroughthedoorontheright,andupthestaircase.
Itwasabackstaircase,darkandnarrow,buthewasfamiliarwithitalready,andknewhisway,andhelikedallthesesurroundings:insuchdarknesseventhemostinquisitiveeyeswerenottobedreaded.
“IfIamsoscarednow,whatwoulditbeifitsomehowcametopassthatIwerereallygoingtodoit?”
hecouldnothelpaskinghimselfashereachedthefourthstorey.
Therehisprogresswasbarredbysomeporterswhowereengagedinmovingfurnitureoutofaflat.
HeknewthattheflathadbeenoccupiedbyaGermanclerkinthecivilservice,andhisfamily.
ThisGermanwasmovingoutthen,andsothefourthflooronthisstaircasewouldbeuntenantedexceptbytheoldwoman.
“That’sagoodthinganyway,”hethoughttohimself,asherangthebelloftheoldwoman’sflat.
Thebellgaveafainttinkleasthoughitweremadeoftinandnotofcopper.
Thelittleflatsinsuchhousesalwayshavebellsthatringlikethat.
Hehadforgottenthenoteofthatbell,andnowitspeculiartinkleseemedtoremindhimofsomethingandtobringitclearlybeforehim….
Hestarted,hisnerveswereterriblyoverstrainedbynow.
Inalittlewhile,thedoorwasopenedatinycrack:theoldwomaneyedhervisitorwithevidentdistrustthroughthecrack,andnothingcouldbeseenbutherlittleeyes,glitteringinthedarkness.
But,seeinganumberofpeopleonthelanding,shegrewbolder,andopenedthedoorwide.
Theyoungmansteppedintothedarkentry,whichwaspartitionedofffromthetinykitchen.
Theoldwomanstoodfacinghiminsilenceandlookinginquiringlyathim.
Shewasadiminutive,witheredupoldwomanofsixty,withsharpmalignanteyesandasharplittlenose.
Hercolourless,somewhatgrizzledhairwasthicklysmearedwithoil,andsheworenokerchiefoverit.
Roundherthinlongneck,whichlookedlikeahen’sleg,wasknottedsomesortofflannelrag,and,inspiteoftheheat,therehungflappingonhershoulders,amangyfurcape,yellowwithage.
Theoldwomancoughedandgroanedateveryinstant.
Theyoungmanmusthavelookedatherwitharatherpeculiarexpression,foragleamofmistrustcameintohereyesagain.
“Raskolnikov,astudent,Icamehereamonthago,”theyoungmanmadehastetomutter,withahalfbow,rememberingthatheoughttobemorepolite.
“Iremember,mygoodsir,Irememberquitewellyourcominghere,”theoldwomansaiddistinctly,stillkeepingherinquiringeyesonhisface.
“Andhere…Iamagainonthesameerrand,”Raskolnikovcontinued,alittledisconcertedandsurprisedattheoldwoman’smistrust.
“Perhapssheisalwayslikethatthough,onlyIdidnotnoticeittheothertime,”hethoughtwithanuneasyfeeling.
Theoldwomanpaused,asthoughhesitating;thensteppedononeside,andpointingtothedooroftheroom,shesaid,lettinghervisitorpassinfrontofher:
“Stepin,mygoodsir.”
Thelittleroomintowhichtheyoungmanwalked,withyellowpaperonthewalls,geraniumsandmuslincurtainsinthewindows,wasbrightlylightedupatthatmomentbythesettingsun.
“Sothesunwillshinelikethisthentoo!”
flashedasitwerebychancethroughRaskolnikov’smind,andwitharapidglancehescannedeverythingintheroom,tryingasfaraspossibletonoticeandrememberitsarrangement.
Buttherewasnothingspecialintheroom.
Thefurniture,allveryoldandofyellowwood,consistedofasofawithahugebentwoodenback,anovaltableinfrontofthesofa,adressing-tablewithalooking-glassfixedonitbetweenthewindows,chairsalongthewallsandtwoorthreehalf-pennyprintsinyellowframes,representingGermandamselswithbirdsintheirhands—thatwasall.
Inthecorneralightwasburningbeforeasmallikon.
Everythingwasveryclean;thefloorandthefurniturewerebrightlypolished;everythingshone.
“Lizaveta’swork,”thoughttheyoungman.Therewasnotaspeckofdusttobeseeninthewholeflat.
“It’sinthehousesofspitefuloldwidowsthatonefindssuchcleanliness,”Raskolnikovthoughtagain,andhestoleacuriousglanceatthecottoncurtainoverthedoorleadingintoanothertinyroom,inwhichstoodtheoldwoman’sbedandchestofdrawersandintowhichhehadneverlookedbefore.Thesetworoomsmadeupthewholeflat.
“Whatdoyouwant?”theoldwomansaidseverely,comingintotheroomand,asbefore,standinginfrontofhimsoastolookhimstraightintheface.
“I’vebroughtsomethingtopawnhere,”andhedrewoutofhispocketanold-fashionedflatsilverwatch,onthebackofwhichwasengravedaglobe;thechainwasofsteel.
“Butthetimeisupforyourlastpledge.Themonthwasupthedaybeforeyesterday.”
“Iwillbringyoutheinterestforanothermonth;waitalittle.”
“Butthat’sformetodoasIplease,mygoodsir,towaitortosellyourpledgeatonce.”
“Howmuchwillyougivemeforthewatch,AlyonaIvanovna?”
“Youcomewithsuchtrifles,mygoodsir,it’sscarcelyworthanything.Igaveyoutworoubleslasttimeforyourringandonecouldbuyitquitenewatajeweler’sforaroubleandahalf.”
“Givemefourroublesforit,Ishallredeemit,itwasmyfather’s.Ishallbegettingsomemoneysoon.”
“Aroubleandahalf,andinterestinadvance,ifyoulike!”
“Aroubleandahalf!”criedtheyoungman.
“Pleaseyourself”—andtheoldwomanhandedhimbackthewatch.
Theyoungmantookit,andwassoangrythathewasonthepointofgoingaway;butcheckedhimselfatonce,rememberingthattherewasnowhereelsehecouldgo,andthathehadhadanotherobjectalsoincoming.
“Handitover,”hesaidroughly.
Theoldwomanfumbledinherpocketforherkeys,anddisappearedbehindthecurtainintotheotherroom.
Theyoungman,leftstandingaloneinthemiddleoftheroom,listenedinquisitively,thinking.
Hecouldhearherunlockingthechestofdrawers.
“Itmustbethetopdrawer,”hereflected.
“Soshecarriesthekeysinapocketontheright.Allinonebunchonasteelring….
Andthere’sonekeythere,threetimesasbigasalltheothers,withdeepnotches;thatcan’tbethekeyofthechestofdrawers…thentheremustbesomeotherchestorstrong-box…that’sworthknowing.
Strong-boxesalwayshavekeyslikethat…buthowdegradingitallis.”
Theoldwomancameback.
“Here,sir:aswesaytencopeckstheroubleamonth,soImusttakefifteencopecksfromaroubleandahalfforthemonthinadvance.
ButforthetworoublesIlentyoubefore,youowemenowtwentycopecksonthesamereckoninginadvance.
Thatmakesthirty-fivecopecksaltogether.
SoImustgiveyouaroubleandfifteencopecksforthewatch.Hereitis.”
“What!onlyaroubleandfifteencopecksnow!”
“Justso.”
Theyoungmandidnotdisputeitandtookthemoney.
Helookedattheoldwoman,andwasinnohurrytogetaway,asthoughtherewasstillsomethinghewantedtosayortodo,buthedidnothimselfquiteknowwhat.
“Imaybebringingyousomethingelseinadayortwo,AlyonaIvanovna—avaluablething—silver—acigarette-box,assoonasIgetitbackfromafriend…”hebrokeoffinconfusion.
“Well,wewilltalkaboutitthen,sir.”
“Good-bye—areyoualwaysathomealone,yoursisterisnotherewithyou?”Heaskedherascasuallyaspossibleashewentoutintothepassage.
“Whatbusinessissheofyours,mygoodsir?”
“Oh,nothingparticular,Isimplyasked.Youaretooquick….Good-day,AlyonaIvanovna.”
Raskolnikovwentoutincompleteconfusion.
Thisconfusionbecamemoreandmoreintense.
Ashewentdownthestairs,heevenstoppedshort,twoorthreetimes,asthoughsuddenlystruckbysomethought.
Whenhewasinthestreethecriedout,“Oh,God,howloathsomeitallis!andcanI,canIpossibly….No,it’snonsense,it’srubbish!”headdedresolutely.
“Andhowcouldsuchanatrociousthingcomeintomyhead?
Whatfilthythingsmyheartiscapableof.
Yes,filthyaboveall,disgusting,loathsome,loathsome!—andforawholemonthI’vebeen….”
Butnowords,noexclamations,couldexpresshisagitation.
Thefeelingofintenserepulsion,whichhadbeguntooppressandtorturehisheartwhilehewasonhiswaytotheoldwoman,hadbynowreachedsuchapitchandhadtakensuchadefiniteformthathedidnotknowwhattodowithhimselftoescapefromhiswretchedness.
Hewalkedalongthepavementlikeadrunkenman,regardlessofthepassers-by,andjostlingagainstthem,andonlycametohissenseswhenhewasinthenextstreet.
Lookinground,henoticedthathewasstandingclosetoatavernwhichwasenteredbystepsleadingfromthepavementtothebasement.
Atthatinstanttwodrunkenmencameoutatthedoor,andabusingandsupportingoneanother,theymountedthesteps.
Withoutstoppingtothink,Raskolnikovwentdownthestepsatonce.
Tillthatmomenthehadneverbeenintoatavern,butnowhefeltgiddyandwastormentedbyaburningthirst.
Helongedforadrinkofcoldbeer,andattributedhissuddenweaknesstothewantoffood.
Hesatdownatastickylittletableinadarkanddirtycorner;orderedsomebeer,andeagerlydrankoffthefirstglassful.
Atoncehefelteasier;andhisthoughtsbecameclear.
“Allthat’snonsense,”hesaidhopefully,“andthereisnothinginitalltoworryabout!It’ssimplyphysicalderangement.
Justaglassofbeer,apieceofdrybread—andinonemomentthebrainisstronger,themindisclearerandthewillisfirm!Phew,howutterlypettyitallis!”
Butinspiteofthisscornfulreflection,hewasbynowlookingcheerfulasthoughheweresuddenlysetfreefromaterribleburden:andhegazedroundinafriendlywayatthepeopleintheroom.
Butevenatthatmomenthehadadimforebodingthatthishappierframeofmindwasalsonotnormal.
Therewerefewpeopleatthetimeinthetavern.
Besidesthetwodrunkenmenhehadmetonthesteps,agroupconsistingofaboutfivemenandagirlwithaconcertinahadgoneoutatthesametime.
Theirdeparturelefttheroomquietandratherempty.
Thepersonsstillinthetavernwereamanwhoappearedtobeanartisan,drunk,butnotextremelyso,sittingbeforeapotofbeer,andhiscompanion,ahuge,stoutmanwithagreybeard,inashortfull-skirtedcoat.
Hewasverydrunk:andhaddroppedasleeponthebench;everynowandthen,hebeganasthoughinhissleep,crackinghisfingers,withhisarmswideapartandtheupperpartofhisbodyboundingaboutonthebench,whilehehummedsomemeaninglessrefrain,tryingtorecallsomesuchlinesasthese:
“HiswifeayearhefondlylovedHiswifea—ayearhe—fondlyloved.”
Orsuddenlywakingupagain:
“WalkingalongthecrowdedrowHemettheoneheusedtoknow.”
Butnoonesharedhisenjoyment:hissilentcompanionlookedwithpositivehostilityandmistrustatallthesemanifestations.
Therewasanothermanintheroomwholookedsomewhatlikearetiredgovernmentclerk.
Hewassittingapart,nowandthensippingfromhispotandlookingroundatthecompany.
He,too,appearedtobeinsomeagitation.
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